The Love Bank wants to give me a deposit

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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:28 pm

Well, this is a new one on me. I find a mail from a bank in Nigeria that says I'm in line for compensation due to Romance Scams!! ORLLY?? Thank you. That will do nicely. I ask what it's all about and get this in reply:

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX

I was directed by the united nation for anti love compensation Mr Wan Ki-Moon ( Laughing

)
.I recieved your file in my office last week monday in other to verified the information i have with me here.The purpose of this compensation is to edge individual been scammed as a result of marriage and love.If this mail is not yours please kindly delete if from your mail box but if you are the own please kindly forward the required information as it was demanded (mind your tone, Mr) from you.
Thanks
Yours Faithfully,

Yep. Idiot forgot to sign the script.
I replied:

Quote:

Dear Mr Wanki,

I can confirm that the message was sent by me. Can you tell me a bit more about this please?

Thank you,
Elena XXXX

Quote:

Dear Sir Elena XXXX, (well done, idiot, schoolboy error number 2)

How are you today? I am not in position to answer your question but i forwarded what your mail that you sent to me to prof saliso lamido he is in position to answer your question because he is the one that approved this compensation initiated by Mr Ki-Ban moon and for me to carry the the payment compensation out.I have explained every information i knew about this,

Your Faithfully,
Mr Jim O via

Quote:

Dear Mr Jim Ovum,

Thank you for forwarding my mail to Prof Salsa Lambdo

I hope Mr Wanki Moon is ok. I look forward to hearing about the compensation because I have been very unlucky in love due to the fact that I am pug-ugly.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Ms XXXX

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX,

I recieved your mail and is well noted.I forwarded your last mail to prof saliso lamido .You know that banks that are here do not work on weekend so their no how i will attend to your mail.Kindly forward your information as we demanded ( Shocked

) from you .This is the very last time i will demand ( Evil or Very Mad

) this information from you.

Yours faithfully
Mr Jim Ovia

Hmm. Pushy little git.

Quote:

Dear Mr Ovum,

You seem to think I know a lot more than I do. I didn't know that banks don't work on saturdays in Nigeria. How would I know that? I've never been abroad. I went to London once and that was enough travel for me! Also, You haven't demanded any information from me. I don't know what information you need. It's all a bit confusing. Am I entitled to love compensation or not? Please ask Mr Wanki, Professor Salad or whoever is dealing with thiss exactly what's going on.

Thank you.

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX,

How are you? I am expecting your information not this mail. (Oh, there will be a lot of things you won't be expecting. This is just the start!) My dear since you claim that you do not know the information i needed from you there is no problem.
This is the information as follows

(I) Address
(2) International passport
(3)You name in other to acertain your information i have with me.
(4) Your telephone number
This will enable me to transfer your money with out a delay or if you do not want this transfer to take place you can contact prof saliso lamido so that we can take our hand off to your transaction transfer.

I forwarded the mail that you sent to me to prof saliso lamido to let him understand that you are the delaying your payment transaction.

Your faithfully
Mr jim ovia

Quote:

Dear Mr Ovum,

Thank you for sending me the details you need. I have all the information here. My address is 7 Maidsa Milkin, Fife Goldrings, Part Ridge, Peartree, BA1 TER in the UK. I have a full british passport, my name is Elena XXXX and my telephone number is XXXXX (fake number goes to "hilarious" you've called the wrong number message). I hope I am entitled to a lot of compensation because I really am quite abhorrent to look at and have been tricked many times into thinking that a man will have sex with me when actually he has just been dared by his friends after too many pints. I have been called a two-bagger on many occasions. This is humiliating and cruel. if you are not aware of this it is said that when you have sex with an ugly woman you need two bags. One to put over her head and one to put over your own head in case hers fall off. I am very upset by this and hope your compensation will make amends. Please tell me how much I am likely to receive for looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Thank you so much,

Elena XXXX (Ms)

I like the sound of this Mr Ovum though. Pushy, demanding, works for a bank, mixes with intellectuals and possible Asian dictators. I think I might be falling in love! And the money will come in handy, of course!

Love Phil X

Not quite a Newb Joined: 24 Feb 2011 Posts: 72

I am getting these regulary. Same as letters from those women in a refugee camp that asked for help. After a while they write again saying they got out with the help of someone else, but still want to thank you. All you need to do is contact the reverend to collect your 100.000 USD.

Just scammers giving it a second shot.

419Eater is my life Joined: 29 Sep 2010 Posts: 407

Ah yes...the "fun with names" modality. Got to be one of my favs!
Nice work Laughing

Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 12:05 pm

Thanks extremb! Just keeping old Shiver's memory alive! Cheers, Linoge and Genermarie - this has scam not only written all over it, but through it like a stick of rock. Turns out it's going to be the ATM card scam but I'm going to try and turn that non-existant piece of plastic into LOVE!

I receive:

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX,

I recieved your information this morning and is well clear when i compared with your payment file brought from C. B. N COURIER SERVICE on 16th january, 2011. it was approved and silead with C.B .N STAMP .

The information that you gave to me will be send to the fedex courier service after we might have concluded all the whole arrangement today in the meeting.This payment transation must be confidential until you recieved your money alright.

The reason you have to re-send your information to the courier service because they will use it to deliver your A T M card, and the pin number will be giving to you from our office here for you to activate the A. T. M the card. Mr Elena Startz i did not seen your scan international passport.

Your faithfully ,

Mr Jim Ovia

And reply:

Quote:

Dear Mr Ovoid,

Thank you for your letter. I'm a bit confused with all the jargon. CBATM FEDEX?? Oh well, I'm sure it will all become clear. You haven't answered my question about the money though. How much will I be getting for looking like the back of a bus? As for my passport, I told you it was a full british one but what does scan mean? You'll have to be much clearer in your instructions. I told you I'm not very good with computers. Also. Are you a single man Mr Ovoid? You sound very strong and masterful in your letters.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Miss Elena

I wonder what he looks like? Maybe he'll send me a photo. If I ask nicely.

Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 12:55 pm

ANTI love compensation?

Tell him that you're a proud hate supporter and ask for an extra Twisted Evil

Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 12:58 am

@Terror: ha! I'll certainly be looking for some extras from this correspondence.

I receive:

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX,

How are yo today? I recieved your mail and you was saying that everything sound so confusing.I really appreciated your question and it will properly answered in the way you will understand it. Miss Elena your payment compensation is $ 10 .5 millom US dollars. Prof salis lamido the Centrial Bank Of Nigeria Governor approved and the Zenith bank Nigeria plc are the bank incharged to effcet your payment. I mr Jim Ovia have concluded with my work on how to transfer your money through A .T.M card or will you like our bank to send the money through online bank so that you can confirm you money online.I have been trying to reach through your number it was not going through.I want you to send the number with the code so that i can explain to you more.What i mean is that you have scan an d attach your passport and send it to our bank because the fedex courier servic is what our bank normally used in despatching there financial materials. I am not using strong voice rather i am trying to be care and reserved my work .I am 48 years of age , married with three grown -up children.
Your Faithfully
Mr Jim Ovia

And reply:

Quote:

Dear Mr Oval. Can I call you Jim? I feel through your emails that we are getting to know each other and I'm glad. Firstly can I just say WOW. $10.5 milliom US dollars. That is a lot of money. I know I have a face like a punched clown but I really wasn't expecting that much. That is wonderful. You have change my life. I think I will use the money to have plastic surgery and make myself look like a Hollywood Star. Jim, which is your favourite star because I would like to look like her. I think you might be a Marilyn Monroe fan? I could sing Happy Birthday Mr Ovium to you and blow you a kiss with my preposturously enhanced lips. Anyway. I'm rambling. Jim. When you say that you have concluded your work I hope it doesn't mean we can't talk. I know you're married with children but Jim don't you ever crave excitement? To feel the thrill of adventure and the wind in your hair. If you have any. You might be bald. Perhaps you could send me a picture of yourself. I have sent you one of me. I'm so sorry to be stupid but I tried scanning my passport in the computer but it wouldn't fit in the little tray that pops out. I don't mind if you want to use your strong voice with me. I like virile, upstanding men.

Kiss kiss
Doughnut (the name my friends call me)

Wait 'till he finds out I'm the heiress to a condom manufacturing fortune. The "Rib-Tickler"? That's one of ours. Just have to wait for terminally ill Daddy to die and it's all mine!

Love Phil X

Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2011 5:35 am

Phil Yerboots wrote:

I'm so sorry to be stupid but I tried scanning my passport in the computer but it wouldn't fit in the little tray that pops out.

Once again, I need a new Laptop screen. But I am SO stealing that Wink

Awesome, JUST awesome

Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 9:36 am

Thanks Chrys! Please feel free to steal. I based it on the apparently true story that someone once called a tech support department to say they needed a new cup-holder for their computer.

I received a reply from the bank, a nice photo of the red-tie wearing mr Ovia and a shocking revelation:

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX ,

How are you today? I recieved your mail and i was highly impressed with your attitude.The money is yours and yours alone that is the reason why i told you that this payment transaction will confidential until this transaction is over.I am sorry you are delaying this transaction by not sending your cell phone number to relate things that are very important to you. One thing about this A. T .M payment card transaction is that you are entittle to withdraw the sum $20 ,000 on day basis untill the transaction is over.Miss Elena XXXX before will can transfer this money you will scan your international passport and send your telephone number to this office so that will give an urgent messages and if there is new development will be able to let you know especially on weekends we do not go to work. I am married and with grow-up children .I am the managing director of Zenith bank nigeria plc at my age do not think that i will be influenced by anything.

This the courier service company that will deliever your A.T.M card and you will recieve your activation number after 24 hours your A.T.M has been delieved to you.

Kindly contact the courier service below.
[Dan, dan ,Daaaaan!!!]

CONTACT; Mr Bello Usman.
EMAIL: <snip>
TELE:<snip>
Your faithfully
Mr Jim Ovia

I replied:

Quote:

Dear Jim,

Thank you so much for the compliments. It's been a long time sine a man told me he was impressed with me. I like your attitude too. Unfortunately I do not have a cell phone as I have never been able to find one big enough for my chubby sausage fingers. I hope this will not count agianst me as I really want this money. I still have to wait another year before I inherit my father's fortune and that is too long. Jim I already told you that I tried to scan my passport but it wouldn't work. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And I don't know how to do it better.

Can I just say that i LOVE your photo. Wow! You are really hard and powerful looking. I know that you are a successful director of a bank but surely even executives need a little relief? If you know what I mean????!!!!

here is another photo. [in my undearwear] Hope you like it. I will contact Mr Bellend at the courier company as soon as I hear from you that all is well.

Love Doughnut XXX

He replied:

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX,

I am sorry i did not think that this payment transaction will take place untill you comply with our office instructions.I am not here for childish play alright.I am withdrawing your A.T.M card payment transaction from mr Usman Bello from AFRI COURIER SERVICE COMPANY IN THE NEXT 24hours and i am send prof saliso lamido the start mail not to carry out this payment transaction again .He can look for another bank for you.Where do you work presently can you scan and send me your working identity card if you fail to do all these write prof saliso lamido to arrange a new bank for you.
Your faithfully
Mr Jim Ovia

Oooo, so masterful. I like him. Not sure about mr Bello though. He sounds scary!! Wink

I reply:

Quote:

Dear Jam,

You sound angry. I have been a naughty girl I know and you should be stern with me. I don't want you to withdraw, I want you to stay in. I don't want childish play either, I think we should have adult play which would be much better! Please tell Mr Bellows that he will have to stop my ATM because I don't work. I just live on Daddy's money so I don't have a work card. That's ok. I would have liked the money but I have enough of my own. I shouldn't be greedy. I will write to Prof Lambada and tell him this too. But Jim I hope we can still be friends and write to each other. I have other photos if you would like to see them.

Love doughnut XX

I do hope Jim will leave his wife, kids and important bank job for me. I have so much love to give!

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:40 am

Well. Looks like Doughnut may still be in line for some anti-love money. She's been contacted by the mad professor!

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX,

I am sorry the ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC have returned your united nation compensation of $10 .5 million us dollars file on wensday 9th 2011 because of your necglegence towards the payment transcation

I was telling you and you taught all is lier for the bank to bring out your file again is going cost you $20 us dollars.

I have make sure that you have send your account details and telephone to [email protected] for immediate transfer of your payment.I am hoping to hear from you to day so that I can effect my signataries of your document before send it to the bank alright.

Your sincerely

Saliso L amido

I reply:

Quote:

Dear Professor Landio,

Thank you for contacting me. I don't really know why the lovely Jim Ovim at Zenith sent back everything because I gave him all my details and told him all about the horrid men who have cheated and failed me in love. It's not my fault I have a face like a smacked arse. I hope you will be able to help me where he couldn't. To be honest I think he may have been a bit simple even though he works for an important bank. I look forward to hearing from you very soon with instructions as to what to do next.

Best wishes.

Doughnut. XX

It seems the money has been transferred into another bank.

Quote:

Dear Customer,

Central Bank of Nigeria want to inform you that your funds is with us and ready to transfer to your account without any further delay. Central Bank of Nigeria want to receive your banking details so that your funds transfer will start processing

Waiting to hear from you,

Regard,

Lamido Sanusi
Governor Central Bank of Nigeria

Wow. What are the chances of the professor and the bank governor having such similar names? I reply:

Quote:

Dear Mr Zannussi,

Thank you so much for contacting me. I have also had an email from professor Lamdid telling me that Jim Ovium has messed everything up. I hope you are better at your job than he was. I am very glad that my anti-love compensation money for looking like WC Fields in drag is safe in your hands. I see also by your picture that you are a man to be trusted and handsome too I might add.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Doughnut XX

It would appear that it's not just my money that's in safe hands. Have a look at the bank's logo - is it just me or does that look like they have extra customer satisfaction on offer? Now that's what I call a golden handshake!

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:51 am

internationalchrysis wrote:

Phil Yerboots wrote:

I'm so sorry to be stupid but I tried scanning my passport in the computer but it wouldn't fit in the little tray that pops out.

Once again, I need a new Laptop screen. But I am SO stealing that Wink

Awesome, JUST awesome

Try working at tech support, Chrys. You'll hear MUCH worse Very Happy

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:32 pm

@Terror. Ah yes, Tech Support. Where programmers go to die.

The bank have been in touch. Seems I'm still in the running for my bumper payout.

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX,

I received went through your mail this afternoon. I will assign a standard trust bank to you that will transfer your fund in the next 72 hours because your file has been return to the office of payment unit it will take the time again to sort the file through the reference or tally number. I want you to forward your account details and telephone number to me.

The two bank that are responsible to transfer your fund of $10.5 million us dollars to the zenith bank Nigeria plc and the standard trust bank .I assure you as soon as you send all the information required I will make sure that you received your fund in the next 72 hours as I said early.

Elena you make that any information you received from them must be forward to this office for self reference and the safety of your fund alright. Miss Elena you have to disregard any communication concerning this transaction with any boby for your own benefit and make sure that you keep everything concerning this transaction secret until until you receive your fund .

Contact Anthony Elumelu [email protected]

Yours Faithfully,

Saliso Lamido.

Sadly this does nothing to help in the confusion. I reply:

Quote:

Oh Mr Lamdildo,

I am so confused. I have already given my bank details and telephone number. I am happy to give them again but I don't know who to? There are so many of you. First it was Mr Wanki Moon then Professor Salad then Mr Ovum then oh I don't know. Are you Professor Lamdildo or are you the bank man Mr Lamdio? And now I have to contact this new person Mr Elumullelulu?

Please help me. I want to do everything right. I would like to have my money for looking like a hippo's vagina. I hope you are the person to sort this out for me. I have also sent this to Mr Elelmelleuel.

Thank you so much.

Doughnut (Ms)

Still, can't be long now before I can afford that corrective surgery.

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:57 pm

Phil: I *am* a programmer, got in tech support alive, died there and returned as an undead programmer (which means a programmer who has even stricter rules on user interface) Very Happy

As always, wonderfully confusing Very Happy

419Eater is my life Joined: 29 Sep 2010 Posts: 407

Phil Yerboots wrote:

Dr Emmett Brown slipped and cracked his head off the toilet, and when he woke up, he had a vision

Maybe your lad or whoever designed the bank logo had a similar experience

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 9:59 am

Ha! Nice one extremeb! Either that or he wants to "Liberator" the money from my account!

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 11:20 pm

Ooooh, as a fan of Blake's 7 from when I was a kid (not to mention a fan as a kid of 47), I'm gonna go with the liberator. 'Cos you'd hate to have to go all scorpio on his ass

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:13 am

Uh. Sorry, pals, I'm lost here Very Happy

What's that? A prototype Star Destroyer?

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:13 am

It's Blake's 7, Terror, the show that we, as kids, moved on to after Doctor Who. Don't know about Chrys but I always had a bit of a thing for Servalan - the evil President of the Federation even though she looked a bit like Gary Numan.

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:20 am

Ah, I guess I'm too young for that. Or born in the wrong country.

First sci-fi serial I remember watching as a kid was Battlestar Galactica (the one with A-Team's "Face" as Starbuck) Very Happy

Good times, good times Very Happy

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:57 am

Phil Yerboots wrote:

It's Blake's 7, Terror, the show that we, as kids, moved on to after Doctor Who. Don't know about Chrys but I always had a bit of a thing for Servalan - the evil President of the Federation even though she looked a bit like Gary Numan.

After Dr Who? There cannot possibly be an SF show after Dr Who!!! (Perhaps with the exception of Torchwood.) Wink

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 4:43 pm

Sorry Jeanette but for some of us it went Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, meh. Wink

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:02 pm

And as the UK version of Queer as folk points out, Paul McGann doesn't count!

@ Phil, as a horny teenager, I too had a thing for Servilan! Yummo! For me, even after all this time, she's still the best thing in the show. I wonder if the fact that the Character of Anna from the new V has a fair resemblance is an accident, but needs CGI for actual menace, something Servilan had in spades.

And I feel for Peter Davidson. How the hell do you follow Tom Baker??? As for Colin Baker, well, the less said the better

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 2:24 pm

@Chrys …and what were they thinking with Sylvester McCoy? By then I'd given up.

The Anti-Love Compensation Bank of Ineptitude has got back to me:

Quote:

Dear Elena XXXX

Standard Trust Bank have done everything to make sure that you received your funds into your account without any further delay.

You have to re-send your banking details to Standard Trust Bank included your cell phone number immediately so that we will start processing to transfer your funds.
Waiting to hear from you immediately.

Your Faithfully,
Saliso Lamido

But I'm confused:

Quote:

Dear Mr Lumbago,

Now you have me thoroughly confused. You tell me YOU are waiting to hear from me. Does this mean I send you the details WHICH I HAVE ALREADY SENT to you and you will send them to the Bank of Trust or do I send the details WHICH I HAVE ALREADY SENT to the Bank of Trust and tell them that it was you who told me to send them to them.

I hope you can help. I really need this money to be sorted out as soon as possible. I'm not getting any prettier sat here. In fact if anything, I'm getting uglier. Do you want me to experience the joy of love-making with a man who is neither blind nor mad or not?

Thank you so much.

Yours,

Doughnut (Ms) (Hopefully not for much longer)

They seem to have an inexhaustible supply of names:

Quote:

This is to bring to your notice that we are still waiting for the Original documents via courier posting to enable us effect your transfer.On receipts of the mentioned documents, we shall verify them and process your claim to effect the transfer into your nominated bank account without delay.

Thanks for your co-operation.

Truly Yours,
Dr. Leed Hanson.
Transfer officer
(Foreign/Transfer Department)
RABO BANK OF LONDON PLC.

I decide to deal with Lambada again:

Quote:

Dear Mr Salisimo

Au contraire, Monsieur, au contraire.

I will put this into simple words so that you can understand it because you are obviously a simpleton.

I have sent details already.

I have sent my details to two different people.

You keep asking me to send my details. Honestly. I want to deal with your manager from now on. Not you. You are as thick as a piece of wood or hardened cow poo.

For the last time here they are:
<snip>
Now I hope to hear from someone higher up in your organisation because it is obvious you are not fit to have a job.

Thank you.

Ms E. XXXX

Let's see if we can raise his temperature!

Love Phil X

Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2011 1:35 pm

The Professor's back:

Quote:

I spoke with the standard trust bank manager on Friday , he said that you have to exercise patience ,the delay is as a result of election and holidays here in the country.
He promised that he want to make sure that your fund gets to you on a good condition and he taught of raising one document on your behalf for the safety of your fund.I will like you to for any information and document you received from the bank so that we can file it for reference purpose alright

Your Faithfully,

I reply:

Quote:

My dear Pro,

Thank you SO much for contacting me. You are the only one who seems to know what is going on. Everyone else is an idiot! The bank the lawyers. No one seems to have a clue. I am so glad you are giving this matter your PERSONAL ATTENTION. I will be patient for you Pro. I will wait for your email in my box.

Pro, may I ask a question. I hope you won't think it is forward of me. Are you married?

Ms Doughnut. x

Then it would appear he saw the mail about idiots and hardened cow poo:

Quote:

I am very happy going through your mail this morning .Miss Elena kindly contact the standard trust bank immediately so that they will transfer your fund. The manager told me that he wrote you mail yesterday on telephone conversation this morning
Miss Elena you should not forget to send your self phone number to me and to the manager standard trust bank .Your self phone number will help us to reach you with new development alright.
With regards to your question, I am happy married and 68 years of age, with three children two male and one female.
Miss Elena I am not happy the way you insult people that are helping you do not try it again. They are working and are very responsible. Please you have to respect them .I will not take this from you if any of them report to me that you insulted them ,because you do not have any reason to called them idiot in your mail to me

Yours Faithfully

Hmm 68? I like an older married man. I let him wait and receive:

Quote:

Dear Elena XXX,
What is happening to you these days? I do not really understand you any longer concerning your attitude towards this payment compensation.
I learn t you have not written the bank with their requirements .I am now suspecting that you are not the really Miss Elena XXX I am dealing with.

Yours Faithfully,

I write back:

Quote:

Dear Pro,

I'm sorry it's taking so long too. I am so dreadfully confused. So many different people have written to me. Do I need to list them again? I think there are now about 10 people who have all contacted me at some point or another regarding this United Nations Ant-love. I need that money and I have money to pay for the transfer. I don't know what is going on anymore as I have lost track of all the emails I have received and all the emails I have sent. Please Pro can you help me? You sound like a lovely man. I'm sorry that you are happy married because if you were not then I would love to email you personally but if you have any problems with your wife contact me because she will never need to know.

Pro can I just email my bank details to you? Would you be able to handle it for me? Please? I don't trust the Trust Bank because I said they were idiots and they probably don't like me anymore. They will listen to you. Would you like to see a photo of me?

Thank you so much.

I guess it's taking so long because the United Nations are a bit busy at the moment.

Love Phil X

Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2011 1:39 pm

Excellent. THAT will send'em scurrying like cockroaches Twisted Evil

Your timing, Phil, is always perfect Very Happy

(though I admit I prefer the creepier Doughnut of your other bait Wink

)

Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2011 3:21 pm

Ah. Just like you Terror, Doughnut is always reforming. She has many sides.
And all of them round.

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