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Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 3:54 pm

Please excuse the length of this post. Got a bit behind. So my female character Doughnut gets the appropriately named Mr CONnor and his lovely daughter Susan on the hook. Mike thinks the world of his little girl. Doughnut appears to like her too. She's just a bit off-centre with her parenting skills.
After the initial tell me more and is that your daughter in the photo mails. The script starts coming in "tru love, ex wife, yada yada" but here are a few highlights:
MIKE

Quote:

Yes baby that my lovely daughter i do love her so much, cos she is the only one i have in life Susan always making me happy she is child she is my wife [[b isn't that illegal? And genetically unsafe?[/b]] she everything have in life,
Thanks for your mail Hope too hear back from You again
Mike

MIKE

Quote:

I have been so busy with a lot of constructional projects that seem too difficult but getting to the top though.

Really, I have missed you like I am living without air in my world, only wish you could believe me, well, I did traveled back to the US to secure loan to complete a Super Hotel project in the UK which was not granted but a friend lent me $20,000.00 to get it done before I would get paid.

And, about Susan, she is missing you, even more than I am, you cannot believe it, she likes everything about you... "Dad, I would like to meet her soon" was what she said to me on phone the last time I called, she is in the UK, remember the hotel I told you we stay? Well, she stays with the manager anytime I am off to the office. [well that's trusting.]

I just want you to have it at the back of your mind that I have missed you so much, I think about you always and I am happy to have come across a caring woman like you because you are 10 times better than my ex, I love you.

Mike

DOUGHNUT:

Quote:

Oh mike. How wonderful to hear from you. I had given up all hope. I didn't get any valentines and my bastard ex-husband wants �200,000 of the alimony back but he's not getting it! I want to start a new life. I like to think it might be with you, I'm glad the super hotel project is going well. Send a big kiss to susan and tell her to be a good girl. If she is naughty I find a good dark coal cellar for a couple of hours works well. I would like to meet you both soon too if it is possible. Nd you are 100x better than my ex believe me.

Lots of love, I love you too.

Doughnut XXX

A sudden change of tone and text in italics hint that more than one lad is working this scam:
MIKE:

Quote:

Hello Doughnut,

Thanks so very much for your so kind and lovely mail which i find very charming and wonderful too <snip boring> susan has always been a good girl and has always wanted me to be happy in love to make my our family and i'm sure you both will get along pretty good. with the hope to read you soon, lots of kisses and hugs, thinking so much of you here,
Mike.

MIKE:

Quote:

Good Morning my sweet angel..Baby, you are too good with warms words, believe me and about the Hotel Project, there has been improvement but the fact relies that I am not yet paid, I have gotten into a lot of debts, that is by the way. About Susan, she is 13 years old and she has promised to write to you after school today, anyways, you asked if I am romantic or not... Baby, I am very romantic, I will make you feel like a real woman [ Very Happy

Oh, the irony!], never will I hurt or make you cry, I promise and I want you to believe me, well, you could send me your some pictures of you.

Morning Kiss.. missed You so much.. have been working here

I then get a letter from little susan:
SUSAN

Quote:

Aww... It is good to have come across someone special like you in our lives. Sincerely, Dad had told me about so much about you and I believe we could be compatible living together as family. Anyways, it was Dad that asked me to write you when he got back from office yesterday, so, I thought I should leave you this message before going to school. Well, I have a question... When will you come and join us and live together forever as a family? I have missed my Mum, I want a mother, will you marry Dad?

Susan

And next in the body of the email because obviously little girls love smileys came the biggest cut and paste emoticon dump I have ever seen. 800 little roses, 600 kissy yellow faces and bizarrely two little chicken heads and the words We Love You So Much Mum Susan interspersed amongst them.
Then Mike sends

Quote:

Good Morning My Lovely Wife am just thinking dreaming of you. i can't wait to meet you in person and spend the rest of my life with you

and includes a massive sparkling hearts and roses combination. He's not being too lazy, I have to give him that.

DOUGHNUT

Quote:

Oh Mike. what lovely beautiful letters you write. I love all the hearts and flowers and smiley faces!! I wish I knew how to do that on computers. You are SO clever! And handsome! You write such sweet things. You are a very rare man and I'm lucky to have met you.
I know it's early days and I don't want to take things too fast. But I could be falling for you. Hope you like my photo. My daughter put it on the computer for me. Can you send me any other pictures of you? And some of Susan if you want.
Oh Mike. when I think of you I get damp. You know moist? Wet. Down there. In my flower. And I get kind of tingling in my breast-buds. It's been a long time since a man made me feel weird like that. I hope it's a good sign and not flu.

I love you. X Doughnut.

PS. This is for Susan. I hope you don't mind if I try to make friends with her. Children can be quite difficult.

Dear little Susan, What a lovely letter you wrote. Well done. Such a clever girl. Did you do that all by yourself? Or did Daddy help you? Tell the truth! Because you know what happens to liars? Their tongues turn black. And fall out.
Now your daddy loves you very much. Your mummy obviously doesn't because she ran away. But I would love to maybe one day be your new Mummy. But we will have to wait and see how me and your daddy get on. You must be patient my lovely little girl. because you know what happens to impatient little girls? They have to wait a long time in the coal cellar.
Do write to me again because it's important for us ladies to talk about girl things isn't it. Maybe ask your daddy if you can have your own email because you're old enough and you might want to tell me things you can't tell Daddy.

More changes in style and fonts continue:
MIKE:

Quote:

Dearies, really, I am impressed with your warm words, it is captivating and my heart is melting. Anyways, I like you in the picture,

DOUGHNUT:

Quote:

My dear Mike,

I am melting too. You are a fine man. Did Susan get her letter from me? I hope she is well. Mike I feel close to you I want to know you more intimately. I want to know your desires and fantasies and dreams. I want you in my bed with me to keep me warm. I hope you are a passionate man Mike as I can be quite demanding. I need a lot of strong love.

Missing you,

Doughnut XX

MIKE:

Quote:

Nice one there... Really, I like the content of the short note you wrote.

DOUGHNUT:

Quote:

Hi Mike. If you like that I hope you LOVE this. [pic of large lady in basque]Sorry, I've had a bit of wine and feel sexy. I'm going to think of you while I torch myself. [spelling mistake deliberate]I'll write soon XX

MIKE: [edited]

Quote:

Wow i love it so much very sexy and lovely wish am there with you my love. i can't wait to hold you and be your husband
Let me start by saying that I thank God every night since I found you. You have totally changed my outlook in life and I thank you for that. I feel as if I'm walking over clouds just thinking about you. I know you've said we could do foolish things while in love, but you know what? With you I wouldn't mind being a fool for the rest of my life. [You said it, pal!]Today I promise you that I would do anything in my power to make you a great person, outstanding father and loving husband. I LOVE YOU!!

Mike

Followed by about three script mails. And one from Susan:
SUSAN:

Quote:

Doughnut my daddy love you so much always thinking of you..

The Yahoo ID Am Using Before My Mum Open It For Me My mum Is a Bad Mother i Don't like Her She Hurt Daddy So Much Doughnut i Want You To Open a New Yahoo ID For Me, Cos If You Send Me An Email My Mum Knows My Password She Will Always Check On it. That Why i Always Send An Email From My Daddy Box..Doughnut Open a New ID For Me With Ur Name If You Know u Want Me As Your Lovely Daughter Okay Love You So Much
Susan

It's quite amusing how the lad imagines a thirteen year old girl writes.

DOUGHNUT:

Quote:

Oh Mike. Your letters are beautiful. You write so well. I wish I could fill my words with the stuff you come out with but I'm not as clever. I miss you too. I have already started thinking about a future with you and Susan. I can hardly believe my luck. I thought about last night while I was watching the televison and eating cookie dough. There was a scene where the man in the film crept into a lady's bedroom and had sex with her while she was asleep. It was very romantic. Would you do the same? I like to think so.
Today is a nice day. I'm still in my pink nightie and I haven't had a bath or a shower. Just being lazy. I hope your day is good too. I have written a separate letter to Susan please make sure she gets it.

Love you,

Doughnut XX

DOUGHNUT:

Quote:

hello Susan. Thank you for the lovely letter. I'm sorry but I don't know how to do a yahoo. I'm not very good with computers. You young kids today seem to know all about them but when I was your age we didn't even have them. Or mobile phones!! Ask daddy to make a special email for you and send it to me then we can talk properly woman to girl.

You are right about your mummy. She is a bad and wicked person for what she did to your daddy and you. A horrible old witch with downstairs lady parts like a dry walnut. whereas mine are big and pink and luscious like a split peach. You will be feeling like a woman soon. Have you had your first period yet? i know you might not be able to talk to daddy about these things but you can tell me everything.
Be good. Because remember naughty girls get smacked with a rolled-up newspaper or a brick.

Lots of love your Mummy Doughnut XXX

I think Doughnut may have some issues.
Love Phil X

Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:21 am

Phil, it is a rare occasion that I come into the romance forum and I can see that it is entirely my loss.

Quote:

Because remember naughty girls get smacked with a rolled-up newspaper or a brick.

HILARIOUS! Laughing

I will be back to read more. I think Doughnut is great! Very Happy

Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2011 9:50 am

^^^
Darth Phileus always delivers Twisted Evil

(yes, I'm a Phil/Chrys fanboy, I admit it Embarassed

)

insults and more · Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:11 pm

^^^ Baiting lovelads seems to require a minimum level of awesomeness just short of that required to punch a hole in a 2x4 using only one's genitals.

Phil: Doughnut reminds me a bit of Daphne, from Frasier. Recollections that start out nostalgic, and end with a terrified shaggy dog.

Posted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:45 pm

@Dora. Thanks for the compliment - from you - high praise indeed! I'm growing to like Doughnut too. It's weird what comes out of one's head when one is typing. I'm beginning to wonder if Doughnut lives in her own fantasy world and that she believes she has children in a "Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf" kind of way. But she isn't malicious with her parental advice - just…wrong. So very wrong!

@Terror. cheers! Embarassed

The love is reciprocated in a fraternal hug.

@leon. Ha! Yes, the wonderful Daphne. I can see the comparison. Hard-luck stories innocently told and normally leading to a case of rickets!

Well, Mike's been busy. About three or four mails so far which I haven't replied to yet. But will shortly. This just in from little Susan though. And remarkably, although somewhat surprised by it, the lad has tackled the question about when his period started! Laughing

Quote:

Hello Dearies,

It was nice hearing from you and I must tender an appology for replying late, though, it was not intentionsal, I have exams, that was why, anyways, Dad had told me a lot about you, which I really liked most things about you and I appreciate that you love Dad.

I have a BUT, Dearies, when will you come and join us? I need a Mom and Dad needs a companion, please...

About one question you asked which I never let saw at all, wow, it is only a caring Super Mom that would ask such, well, I started seeing my period late last year, September, aww, my bad, it is Susan, I hope to hear from you, soon, ciao.

From Your lovely daughter Susan Missed You so much Mum and i can't wait to see You Mum

Susan

I LOVE little "Aww, my bad" Susan. Will edit in reply later.

EDIT. My reply to Susan:

Quote:

Hello my little girl!
You don't need to apologise for trying to make something of your life through hard work and education. There are already too many lazy, ignorant you-know-what's in this world!!
Honey I will come and join you when Daddy says the time is right. It's up to him not me. But I'm so glad that you want me to be your mummy. And thank-you for calling me a super mom! sweet. You are my super girl. I'm glad that we can talk about your girl things. And you know don't you that because you have started your monthly drip-cycle that now you are becoming a woman.Do you have a boyfriend? If you do, under no circumstance let him park his pedal-car in your garage. Kissing and holding hands is fine but if he asks for extras tell him to go to Thailand where I hear men get that kind of service for just ordering a beer.

Au revoir my little bi-lingual daughter.

Doughnut XXX

Mike's missives are full of script but this one is amusing:

Quote:

Hello Baby,

I know you must have missed me as you have claimed... It was not my fault either... You know the kind of work I do... It requires hardworking and alot of concentration to derive at a pleasant outcome, Baby, it is what you know.

I have really missed you, I kept thinking of you, the wonderful flutters I get in the pit of my stomach when you write me, the tender encouraging words and advice you give to me, you are so open to love and it is hard to describe the emotion churning inside of me.

Well, like I have been saying... I will always make it up to you, no matter what... Mmm, I am sorry was unable to reply your mails... really, I am and I want you to trust me because everything I say, I mean them.

About Susan, she has missed you, more than I do... Imagine this Baby, she fought over your issue overnight... Want to know what the cause was? She asked if I had spoken with you lately and I said NO, then, she picked an offense from that... Told me she will stop talking me if I do not get in touch with you today and that is why I am writing you this, she loves you alot.

Well, I open my eyes and expect to see your face, but see nothing except an empty space, [isn't this a song?]there is nothing in this world that can compare to you and over these past years I have come to conclude that I feel like I am nothing without someone like you, please, believe.

Anyways, I will like to resume back to work while you smile reading this note and I will get Susan a new e-mail that you two can always talk on because I do not read mails that is hers... So, do not think I read the previous one you sent her, she had read though... But, she told me would reply you after her exams because she is being a good girl, she is always reading.

Mike

It won't be just flutters Mike feels in the pit of his stomach. I have a feeling at some point he's also going to feel sick.

EDIT: My response. Hmm…maybe that queasy feeling will be here sooner rather than later. I write:

Quote:

Hi my lovely "husband".

So nice to get all your letters. I read them and read them over and over again. They make me so happy. You make me happy. I thought about you the other day while I was on the sofa having my sponge-on-a-stick bath. I know! but honestly darling it's easier for me than trying to get to the bathroom. And while I was , well, cleaning my flower, I imagined you were there doing it for me. And darling you were amazing. Very thorough. Getting into all the nooks and crannies. I've never felt so fresh! I do hope that you can do it for real soon.
So how is work? I hope the super-hotel is coming along. Maybe one day we can stay in it? Will it have a heavy-goods elevator?

I love you darling. Write soon. Kiss kiss.

PS I've also sent a letter to Susan. She is so adorable.

Doughnut XXXXXXXXXX

Love Phil X

Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 3:25 pm

Mike sends me 3 script letters. Lazy boy! However he does tell me that:

Quote:

You are like God's dove

which is nice. Also some news:

Quote:

Yes, I fought cancer and won and now I'm going to fight for this love to get stronger than ever, and in time it will.

I didn't even know he'd been ill. However on one of his letters he makes a schoolboy error that cannot be ignored. Bearing in mind there are multiple lads writing to me as Mike, I felt duty-bound to point out the slip-up in hope of getting one of them into trouble.

Quote:

Good Morning ,,,,,, [I see a cut and paste job!]Before I met you, my life was not going well at all. Then I met you and I forgot about all my troubles.
I know that I may not be the best man,but I love you from the bottom of my heart. There is nothing in this world that could amount to the love I have for you. Boo, there is nothing in this world that would stop me from loving you. I hope and pray that we stay together forever no matter what.

I reply:

Quote:

Hello Mike.

Thank you for the letters. I just have one question. Who the fuck is BOO? Are you cheating me? Are you seeing another woman? You better have a VERY good explanation, Mr.

D.

Well, he deserved a slap anyway. A woman can only take so much Format. I have needs!
Love Phil X

Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 9:35 am

Mike is heartily offended that I should doubt his honesty and manages to weasel out of his faux-pas with a slick bit of patter:

Quote:

Why should you have thought like that, tell me, why do you even have to sound like that or does it mean you do not love me or something, fed up of me or seeking for a means to tell me goodbye and why do you have to call me a cheat?
Listen up, if I call you Dearie, Baby, Honey, Boo, Love and Sweetie... I am still referring to the same thing, get it, I am not a cheat and if I were one, do you think I would have time to always schedule myself to come online to mail you?
Anyways, if I must let you know... You made me shed tears because you just accused me of what is not true, but, I thought you once said that you believe me, why doubt me now?
I just want to let you know that you never made my day smooth, well, I will be patiently waiting to hear back from you, Mike.

Of course Doughnut is distraught:

Quote:

Oh Mike. I am so sorry. I cried and cried and cried when I read your last letter. There was a girl at my Catholic school, Saint Sarah Leeso of the Bleeding Conception called Boo Radley and while I didn't think it was her you were talking about I did think that you were calling me by another girl's name. I was mistaken. I should never have doubted your love. I see now that you were just being affectionate.
Oh Mike please forgive me but I'm sure you can understand why I was so upset. Promise me you'll never leave me. I don't know what I'd do without you. I was so sad I ate a whole chocolate cake and a 6 pack of Monster Munch pickled Onion flavour. I don't want you to go. I love you Mike. I LOVE YOU. PLEASE PLEASE don't be angry with me. I can't imagine what I'd do if you ever left me. But it would probably involve food of some kind.
Oh Mike. MMMMMMIIIIIKE.

Your sad doughnut with all her jam squeezed out because she's been dropped on the floor and someone has stood on her but it's ok because you can just brush the dirt off and there's no point wasting it.

XXXX

Mike better be careful. Doughnut will do ANYTHING for love. And a bacon sammich.

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:52 am

Mike's ego has been sufficiently smoothed by Doughnut's emotional outburst. He writes to her and gives if any further evidence were needed that there are no depths to which these opportunistic and morally repugnant thieves will not sink.

Quote:

Well, I can understand why you had to act like that, I did put myself in your shoe s but you have taken it too personal which is not suppose to be so, anyways, I do not know any lady called Boo Radley and I have never been to Saint Sarah Leeso of the Bleeding Conception and even if I do I can never put her anybody's name in place of yours because you mean so much to me now but you seem not to know how meaningful you are to me.

As par the promise... Baby, I do, I will never leave you for anyone, just believe me, that is all I need from you now, if you put the whole of your trust me and you understand me to the fullest, I bet you, things will always work out smooth and fine.

But, guess what? Because of the little confusion you made me faced, I went through some difficulties which led to so many mistakes on the Hotel Project, I am in serious debt, could you ever imagine such happen to me? Well, it did and I am trying to get myself over it but it seem unbearable... I think I will need your assistance any time from now and I do hope you would comply.

Want to know how I got into debt? Mmm... It is nothing good to write home about, you made me cry more, even more and more than you did when a one-part-side of the Hotel with Crystal Wall fell off and got destroyed, you want to know how much debt that has cost me and not to mention the Worker's Salaries? [Crystal Wall? What's he building a set for another Indiana Jones movie?]

Now... See what you have caused... [Oh. Here comes the blood-boiler.]Anyways, I am with the Tokyo Building Team, trying to estimate the damages, this was all because of you, not to worry, Baby, I still very much love you, you just have to try and always be patient, exercise more of patience, missed you Baby.

Mike

I will edit in a reply later. This sack of shit needs a game-plan of pain.

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 10:02 am

Wow, that was the worst guilt trip I have ever seen.

I mean, "you distracted me and I made a mistake which may cost millions"?
What's that, a remake of the Towering Inferno? Very Happy

Bad move. Show'im the dark side of the Force Twisted Evil

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 10:10 am

Oh I will, Terror, I will. Very Happy

But what really got my goat was this:

Quote:

Anyways, I am with the Tokyo Building Team, trying to estimate the damages

I know scammers use every tool in the box but christ, that's just jumping on the graves isn't it?

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 10:18 am

You tell me, mate. One of my acquaintances' wife is Japanese.
Luckily for her, no harm done to her family, but I got the chance to visit hubby & wife and she was devastated (she worked as a nurse there and she's quite....empathic)
'Nuff said.

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 10:52 am

Finally Phil rides again! I had severe withdrawal symptoms. jump_4_joy

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:08 am

Much to the perverse joy of his loyal fanbase Very Happy

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 12:46 pm

Aw! Youz guyz. C'mere.
*gets Terror in a headlock and tries to rub my knuckles on his mask*
*gives Jeanette a saucer of milk and a fish-shaped treat*

You make an old baiter with way too much time on his hands very happy.

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:13 pm

Sooo. Here is my reply to Mike and a special letter for little Susan too.

Quote:

Oh Mike. I was so glad to get your letters. I knew you would be understanding and forgiving as you have such a big heart that I just want to crush with one of my fleshy hugs. If I am too personal it is only because I love you so much that it frightens me and makes a bit of wee in my pants.
I trust you more than anything in the whole world. I know you will make everything ok.
Oh Mike how horrible to hear about the crystal wall. I hope it can be fixed with some glue or tape or something. I don't know much about engineering I'm just a silly girl.
wow. I think it is so brave and noble of you to be in japan at the moment with the Tokyo Building Company helping all those poor unfortunate japan people.
YOU ARE MY HERO!!!
I guess you must be really busy. So I will understand if I don't hear from you for a while but I will think of you EVERY DAY. Be very careful out there. I wouldn't want you to get hurt.
All my love. Doughnut XXX

PS I've put a little picture present for you with this to help you during the nights to think about me and what I would like to do with you. I have also sent a letter to Susan as she must be worried about you too.

Quote:

Hello my darling susan.

Thank you so much for talking to your Dad. He sent me two lovely letters and I've replied to him. You are a very good girl and make me proud to be your new Mum. I am also VERY proud of your Dad. Now your Daddy has told me that he has gone to help in japan with all the buildings that have fallen down. I don't want you to worry because if your daddy doesn't come back home because it is so dangerous there then I will look after you. You are my little susan and I am your big Doughnut.
As long as you can promise to follow these 3 simple rules everything will be ok.
1. Don't look at me when I'm eating
2. Never EVER laugh at me
3. Do not touch Mummy's skin with your bare hands ALWAYS wear the mittens.

But I'm sure Daddy will be home soon. I hope the manager at the hotel is looking after you and hasn't suggested anything improper.

Love your Mummy Doughnut XXX

Mike is hinting at financial ruin but I admire the gang's patience. They must be itching to get to the money but I can see they're biding their time, building trust. Well, that's one building I'll be happy to demolish!

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:52 pm

So wonderfully psychotic Twisted Evil

Doughnut is an Annie Wilkes in the making (if you ever read the book Misery, it should be a treasure of ideas on how to portray mental illnesses in a dramatic way. And should the need arise, I'm quite versed in real life serial killer history and profiling - which includes female ones, like Marybeth Tinning, so consider me at your disposal Very Happy

)

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:23 pm

I have close friends in Japan. Fortunately they're fine, but please Phil, tear them a new one

Chrys

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 1:20 pm

Thanks Chrys! I'll do my best. Not sure how I'm going to play the money request yet I'm more of an on the fly type of guy but maximum frustration and pain is my goal.

Talking of pain. Can I just say "Oh my eyes! My beautiful eyes!" Mike sent me a picture of some bloke's erect schlong. I guess that's collateral damage when one is posing as a woman.

First I got from susan:

Quote:

Hi Mum daddy is Back.. Thanks For the Care I Love You Mum

Susan

And a nice jpeg of a bunch of flowers.
Then from Mike:

Quote:

(((((********Good Morning My Love Wife)))))************Let me start off by telling you what an amazing woman you are and that you fill my life with joy and satisfaction and my heart with love and happiness. Before I met you I had started to lose my faith in love, and I wasn't sure there was a someone out there for me. Now I am positive that there is no one in the world that could complete me like you do or even come close. Love seems more real and true than I ever thought it could and I just want to say thank you, thank you for being persistent in your fight to win my heart because you have won it and me over completely - my heart is yours forever. and always
Honey am ready to spend the rest of my life with you. and i promise too love you in good day and in bad day i can't wait too be with you there my love i always thinking dreaming of you... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY ..... Oh My God am very happy to found a lovely, and honest, caring woman like you.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH Missed You So Much

Mike

Followed by:

Quote:

Honey This for You Only i take it just cos of you, am just missed you so much.. hope all is well with You My wife?

Mike

with the aforementioned retina-burning image. Doughnut was so overcome with Shocked

emotion, that she sent her mails in the wrong order!
To Susan:

Quote:

Oh god. You are amazing. What a gorgeous meaty dinkle you have. I want you to put it inside my special flower and fill me with your slush-puppy. I want you to suffocate between my buds and I want to sit on you and crush you like a bug. I want to feel your hands all over every square foot of my body. I want you Mike like I have never wanted anything. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I can't wait to have you next to me in the specially reinforced bed.You make me so happy and so watery in my downstairs lady department.
Oh Mike. I have never talked like this before. So dirty and sexy but you make me realise the woman I am and the woman I can be. I hope you are not shocked. Mike, what would you like to do to me? I want you to be wild and free and horny like a rutting goat.

Your sexy big Doughnut with chocolate icing on the top and a lovely cream filling (box of 12)

XXXXXX

To Mike:

Quote:

I am so glad your Daddy is home safely from Japan. he must have worked really hard and really quick to make all the buildings better over there. And you have been such a good girl. Mummy loves you very much. i mean me, of course because I am your new mummy. Not the evil, battered old hag who actually gave birth to you. She's probably drunk in the alley behind a bar charging £1 a go.

Your new, better Mummy

Doughnut XXX

I wonder if Mike will notice. I hope he does. I might mention my mistake later if he doesn't spot it. Poor Susan. As if that little girl hasn't suffered enough already.

Love Phil X

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 5:02 pm

doesn't the pic entitle you to become a member of the Todger club? puke

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 5:49 pm

I'm not sure, Josey. As much as I would be honoured to join that illustrious and exclusive "gentleman's club" I imagine to qualify it must be an actual lad's dinkle not just some cropped bit of internet pron?

Perhaps some other…ahem, members, can enlighten me?

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 12:02 am

As a card carrying member of the todger club, I've had one of each. I'd try for the real thing, just to be safe. Though will need to gouge your eyes with a sharp stick afterwards

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2011 12:49 pm

Thanks Chrys. That's what I thought. Only genuine todgers count. I…er…can't wait to receive my first real one.

Mike sends me a crap, lazy mail with some cut n paste soft pron description of getting jiggy. I reply:

Quote:

Well, Mike that was an interesting email. It certainly made me come out in a hot rash. To be honest though my love I would much prefer you to decribe our love-making in your own words. You write so beautifully you don't need to copy things from a book. I look forward to your next email, Mike. You don't need to pretend to be anyone other than who you are. It's YOU that I love and it's YOUR voice and YOUR words that I want to hear and read.

I miss you so much too. I do love you Mike. I'm thinking of you now while I sit here on the commode which is next to the sofa and I'm straining with love for you. You make me have a funny feeling in my bellies. I want you to breathe the air that is coming out of me.

With all my heart and a sole,

your Doughnut XX

As expected he didn't even notice the little susan mix-up but I think I might use that again later - hopefully with disastrous results!

Love Phil X

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2011 5:53 pm

Oooo, HOT HOT Very Happy

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go embrace the toilet and retch my soul out Very Happy

Nice going as always. Next stop: NIPPLE PINS Razz

Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:07 pm

Time and time again Phil manages to make me fall over laughing and piddle myself.

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 10:27 am

Thanks lespa! Glad you're enjoying the warped sense of humour.
@Terror. While you've got your head? in the bowl could you see if there are any lads bobbing about or stuck to the sides? Very Happy

Mike's been busy with a flurry of mails and takes exception to my accusations of plagiarism. Here's some edited bits:

Quote:

Sincerely, Doughnut, I never thought you would ever doubt me for what-so-ever! Baby, so, you meant I copied-pasted or borrow words from somewhere which I sent to you? You are beginning to make me feel guilty which I will not welcome from you because it took me hours when I arose from bed after the dream I had, I try and remember, I put it in writing and e-mailed it to you, yet, you never appreciated it, all you did was criticize my effort, anyways, I do not need to sweat much over this mere issue, I am only trying to convince you that I wrote it as I saw it in the dream.

Well, how was your night? I guess it was sweet and I hope it was fun all the way. Anyways, Susan is really missing you and I am missing you more and even more than you are missing me.

Mike

Good Morning my wife,You, you, i know you are alone there and i wish i could be with you there but i promise you that one day i will be there with you in person i love you alone, <snip>
I will always be honest, transparent and sincere<snip>
Honey where are u been? i can't hear from you missed you love
Honey, you have changed my life completely. You're the one who makes me handsome <snip>

I replied:

Quote:

O my darling husband Mike,

I have returned from a few days away visiting my Granny at her cottage. Sadly she is very ill and has a lot of swelling. Her eyes and mouth have become very big and the doctors say it may be something like Vulpinitis - I don't really understand medical terms. Poor Granny. I'm the only person she has left now. So I was very excited to see so many wonderful letters from you. You made me so happy.
I would love to get another sexy letter from you my darling if you have time to write one. And if it is good maybe I'll send you another little photo present. Write soon Mike I miss you so much.

Little Susan also sent a letter:

Quote:

Hi My Lovely Super Mum... Mum i can't bear it anymore am thinking crying i need you so much in my life Mum, Know one will take good care of me like you Mum, if you know you do care about me do something about this, am missed you so much in my life. Mum if you don't do something about this i will kill my self i need you i want too be with you I LOVE YOU MUM...Susan

Susan needed you now pls do something Mum

And got her, by now, expected dark response:

Quote:

Hi my darling little daughter.

I love you very much and I want to look after you and daddy. It makes me sad to think of you killing yourself because that is a sin and you will go to hell where demons will tear your little body apart with their claws and pointy teeth and then stick you back together with sellotape and then do it all over again forever and ever. Is that what you want? Obviously if you were dead it would mean I could have Daddy all to myself but that's not what I want. I want you to be good and brave and stop crying like a baby you silly little tart.

with all my love from your Super Mum

Doughnut XXXXX

I don't think Granny is long for this world. I wonder if Mike would be interested in the massive inheritance I'm due? Trouble is, I don't want my ex-husband to get any of it. If only Mike had a bank account I could put it in… Wink

Love Phil X