A Tosser's Tale (Safari, photos, forms, phone calls)

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Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:09 pm

Here is a bait that has been going on for almost 1 year.

I made exactly the mistake that Shiver tells us not to and I waited until now to start formatting it.

Silly move because I am crap at formatting the code within the quote boxes anyhow. So leaving it all this time to format 153 pages was just too much.

So I just formatted in OpenOffice and converted to PDF and posted it in Google Docs.

Here is the link.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0BzbVuNE0PadOMmFmYmE4ODYtYTU5Yy00NDIxLTgyMzMtN2Y5ZjkxNjY1YThj&hl=en&authkey=CKn26I0B

Enjoy Dear Baiters

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 6:16 pm

Great work! Glad to be involved for just a little bit! Smile

Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 4:40 pm

Brilliant! clapping

Baiting Guru Joined: 10 Oct 2010 Posts: 3877

he can be proud.

he is now a complete tosser Twisted Evil

How will this bait go further?

Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 10:27 pm

Well of course his fiancee has not yet tried to get the plane to Lagos.

I can see all kinds of issues with that.

These could well involve their planned honeymoon venue which will be a Simba Safari Park.

Also he has sent her and the Church a name and ID that he admits to be fake.

So I think he will almost certainly get rumbled one way or another and have to build the Holy Order of the Immaculate Shining Knob Altar of Forgiveness.

I haven't starting designing it yet but I'm thinking of like a big stage of sandbags maybe 2m high with some sort of Immaculate Shining Knob in the middle.

That should keep him and his mates busy for a while.

Then maybe we can promote him to "Abject Tosser", "Total Knob" and eventually "Grand Plonker Of the Holy Secret"

For that of course you need a Tattoo. jump_4_joy

Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 12:41 am

pi_eyed wrote:

For that of course you need a Tattoo. jump_4_joy

I dread to think where that might be...

Not quite a Newb Joined: 21 Jan 2009 Posts: 53

Great bait, sad story! Very Happy

Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 9:56 am

I don't know. I was giggling all the way through it. Twisted Evil

Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:07 am

Well. I've sent him 4 different emails since then, from each one of four of the baiting characters in the story with no reply.

The last one I sent with a .Readnotify.com tag.

And he opened it so sadly he did not come to a sticky end on the road back from Lome.

I think the bait is over.

Tha tha that's all folks!!!!

Mr. Green

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 17 Feb 2010 Posts: 9

Wonderful fun read, thank you so much for publishing it. The anguish in the lad's tearful grovelling was truly sickening, in a good way!

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 9:27 am

I think maybe I have pushed him over the edge.

Shocked

He is convinced that Kaiser is reading his emails so he switched email addresses (again), and contacted Desiree, no doubt trying once again to shut Kaiser out of the deal.

So for a reply I copied and pasted some hex file script.

That has driven him to new heights of paranoia. So Kaiser tries to reassure him.

Quote:

Dear Godwin,

Thank you for your email.
I have no idea what you are talking about, disturbed, disdain, misrepresentation, working for no money.
I know nothing of any of these things.
I thought we had agreed your percentage of the finished job.
Is there something you want? Please tell me if you want a different percentage.
Come Godwin. We are into the New Year now. Let us have no more small boi crying.
Let us have no more of your lies and duplicitousness.
Let us be men. Let us start again. Let us be good friends.
Please tell me what you want in terms of a percentage of the finished job
Then please continue as you were. We may not have much time. Suppose Interpol are closing in on her? We need to apprehend her before they do.

Your very good friend.

Kaiser.

So then he sent this to Kaiser. Oooops. He gone over to the unhinged side I reckon

Quote:

Dear Mr. Kaiser Soze Sir,
Thank you very much for your message. However you make me look like a small boi you always call me by saying you do not know what i am talking about.

I am not quarelling with your sopken percentage but i am worried that i do not see you giving me a cent out of it otherwise you would have done so or even less this past Christmas reason when even percieved enemies manage to give gifts to those they do not really like just because of the season.

I could by God's grace finish up the work but it is when it is time to eat you will bring up all your spoken and unspoken bitterness on me with your convinced reasons to tell me for so so reason you do not owe me anything, just as you are talking about what you call my LIES and DUPLICITOUSNESS. In you is full of anger and hatred of my person, nothing good about me.

In terms of the finished job i want just that thing you have already made up your mind to give me considering my betrayal feeling of yours. I want it sent to me via account because you have made me to have reason not to feel free meeting you again, remember you have told me you will roast me alive, your soldiers, your men all with you because you are rich.

I have made several moves to reach macbeth and you blocked all. My moves was because of your hatred on me and refusal to give anything and no sign of anything coming to me in future even if i do all your will to the fullest because you just have hated me. If you are in my shoes, you may feel and do as i did.

See my dear Mr. Kaiser sir, believe it or not, i am not a greedy person, i am not heartless but i could think a little. This little thinking of mine is making me restless that i am working without wages.

Tell me your word and I WORK FOR YOU BECAUSE I AM WORKING FOR YOU ALTHOUGH YOU WANT ME DEAD.
The delay is caused by you and i am willing to move on and get all you want me get from her.
Godwin.

However as we cannot fail to notice. If I were to send him some money then he would feel much better.

Oh Dear Shocked

I think things although at a pretty low state, could get even worse.

His emails are now infrequent so he will probably give up soon.

Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 9:04 pm

Somebody grassed him up to his Church that he had used a false name and ID to join, so the Chuch excommunicated him pending an apology.

The lad is sure that it is his OGA (me) that squealed on him.

Anyhow he was bitching so much about not receiving any money for over one year's work that I gave him a local job.

I had another lad lined up to meet him. I told each lad that the other owed me money and he should collect and keep 50%. I was looking forward to hearing about the fireworks but he has refused.

So we finally say our tearful farewells to each other.

Quote:

Kaiser Sir,

Thank you for your mail.

Please do note that i dissociate myself from collecting and pocessing your debt either in part or in full. Again, i have sat down and review my involvement in this your transaction about a yr now including my benefit, my spendings in time and cash not to talk of the risks and other inconveniences. I do not wish to continue.

I find out you have hidden agenda for taking our photos one of which is to put me to trouble, this is made evident in your calling the church and telling them that Johnson was not the real person who applied for their membership, they claimed the caller also gave them evidence which according to them was forwarded to their lab.

I meant well and good for you. Only you know your mind for me. Everything that has begining has end although i had thought of being a long time friend of yours.

I wish you well. Thanks and bye.
Godwin.

And so his Oga says a tearful goodbye.

Quote:

My Dear Godwin,

I completely and implicitly deny your ridiculous accusations.
I have not, under any circumstances told the Church of anything to do with your true identity.
Why on earth would I do that?? It would only spoil our job. It makes no sense to do it.
I regret that you labour under this misaprehension, however I admit that I am unable to point to an alternative culprit.
Perhaps you are unaware, being only an accolyte, but the Holy Order of the Immaculate Shining Knob is an octopus of an institution with tentacles in all countries and in all walks of life.
It is conceivable that you were reported by one of your so called freinds.
It is also conceivable that the Church has used a forensic detective, some of whom are members of the Church.
I know a very clever French detective called Aristide Pamplemousse who you may have heard of. He is a member of the Church.
I have seen him take a photo of a man, his fingerprints, his voice recording on a telephone, and say. This photo is not the man who made these fingerprints, is not the man whose voice I hear.
He has solved many infamous crimes in that way.
The church is in possession of all these things of yours Godwin.
I have no doubt that they review selected applications for validity.
After all, further up the ranks of the Church elders are always rich from the Church grants. I mean Johnson, you only needed only one small promotion to be a Total Tosser and that would have put you in line for a grant to start new church in Lagos. So the Church needs to be careful who it is giving large grants to.
And do not forget, had you not been dishonest in your application, we would not be where we are now.
Your decision to back out of our agreement is disappointing.
However, I am prepared to let you go.
I think that I have found the guy who can replace you. He has excellent English. He is Nigerian but went to an English Grammar school, has an IQ of 162, whereas your IQ is somewhere near your shoe size.
He is probably the person I should have worked with in the first place instead of wasting my time with you.
I will now take time to compose an email to Mrs Macbeth to tell her that I have news that you have sadly passed away in an accident which involved you being mistaken for an oversized sex toy.

Farewell Tosser.

Kaiser Soze.

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