Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:56 am

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 7:04 am

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the
hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 7:05 am

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 7:09 am

Neil Armstrong
When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 7:11 am

Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments.

The first horse boasts “I’ve been in 59 races and I’ve won 35 of them.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second horse. “I’ve raced 97 times, and I’ve won 78 of them!”

The third horse joins in: “Well, I’ve raced 122 times and I’ve won 102!”

Just then, the horses hear a voice say, “I’ve got you all beat!”

The horses look down and see a greyhound.

“I’ve raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!”

The horses look at the dog in amazement.

One of them says “How about that! A talking dog!

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 7:35 am

Vampiremerchant wrote:

Neil Armstrong
When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

It's a long-debunked urban legend:

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 3:02 pm

^^^^^^

Aye but it's still a cracking story........ Laughing

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:21 pm

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:41 pm

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 7:02 pm

Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?”

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!

Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 7:03 pm

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of -factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son… Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the Dad answers, “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.

With a sigh, the Dad replied, “Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…

Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:50 pm

The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office.

"Coach," she says, "I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"Oh my God!" yells the coach. "Well, how far down does it go?"
"Down to my balls," she replies, "and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about!"

Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:15 am

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent ~censored~," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."

Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:18 am

had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise
with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the
whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured
the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down
the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I
don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I
get.

Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:21 am

defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense?s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didnt."

Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:32 am

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous! And I think she's a flight attendant...but which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Hmm, no, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again; "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!"

This time the woman looked at him, irritated, and screamed "What the $%#! do you want?!"

The man slumped back in his chair, and said: "Ahh, Finnair..."

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Quote:

Rejected Hallmark Cards

I always wanted
To have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
(inside card)
After meeting you ...
I changed my mind.

I must admit,
You brought religion into my life ...
(inside card)
I never believed in Hell
Until I met you.

As the days go by,
I think how lucky I am ...
(inside card)
That you're not here
To ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
(inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry ...
(inside card)
Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age ...
(inside card)
Almost life-like!

When we were together,
You said you'd die for me ...
(inside card)
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time
To keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time ...
(inside card)
What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...
(inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ...
(inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend!
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted
to do something really special
for your birthday ...
(inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and West Virginia)

Looking back o'er the years
We've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
(inside card)
What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(inside card)
Guess you didn't tell this one that you have genital herpes.

How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card)
Have such an ugly baby?

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:00 pm

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

A month later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

"Why didn’t you fill it?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies............ "we don't want you to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:19 pm

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming
over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three
Kick Rule.''
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin! and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old
fart. Now it's my turn.'
The old farmer smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:00 pm

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.'

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:07 pm

Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally move to New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long: the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center, and others.

Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand.

Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.

The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says: "What part of the dog did you get?"

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Vampiremerchant wrote:

. . . .
The old farmer smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

You should be banned for that one Wink

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 4:05 am

Thanks to GoldHat for the encouragment please watch your keyboard !

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.

"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"

"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."

"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.

"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did." He continued,

"We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said

'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 4:09 am

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board . Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer...

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 4:13 am

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good...) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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