Star Wars Safari--Day 13. Sick, tired, broke.

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Posted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:45 pm

I have a feeling that this is about to get good.

Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 5:10 am

Get this.

I missed a call from the Pastor today, and when I called him back someone answered and said 'Hello Mr. so and so,' I said 'what?' the person said, 'Yes, I sent you an email,' I said 'who is this?' they said, 'Central Bank of Nigeria,' I said, 'Uh...I need to speak to the Pastor,'
There was a bit of a confused silence. Then the person said 'Oh, the Pastor, yes, here he is.' and handed the phone over. The Pastor apologized saying that his call was intercepted by another person, blah blah. I didn't press the issue that he should get his cons straight. I just want him to go already.

Suffice it to say, after the recent Jos attacks he is very nervous. He asked me again what a GPS system is used for, how far off the road the money is buried, what he should say to someone if they ask what he is doing there. He said he is nervous that someone might think he is planting a bomb. Everyone in Nigeria is suspicious, he said.

He tells me that he will be going by road--which I was hoping--and he said he will travel day and night to get to the money.

He should be leaving shortly, if he hasn't left already.

Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:46 am

Happy fourth day of Christmas (Holy Innocents' Day) to all.

I'm catching up with the thread after a most strenuous RL filled day.
I've just read this

Quote:

BUT WHAT IF SOMEONE LIKE THE POLICE HAPPENS TO MEET ME WHY DIGGING THE HOLE , AND ASK WHAT I AM DOING THERE, WHAT WILL I ANSWER THE COP?

My mid-morning Zubrowka was drunk in honour of the cop.

Quote:

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TO TELL ME THE ORIGIN OF THE FUNDS? AND I CAN KNOW HOW TO PLACE MY WORDS. BECAUSE EVEN THE TAXI DRIVER THAT WILL CONVEY ME THERE WILL LIKE TO KNOW WHAT I CAME THERE FOR.

And the second mmZ, in honour of the taxi driver.

@NWM, so the lad uses a shared phone, possibly in a cyber-cafe.
Hmmm. So many possibilities for lad pain here.

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:48 am

@Psychicbait: I can't keep his numbers straight. He uses several.

Just had this conversation with him tonight. Looks like his friend couldn't get him the money because the banks were closed for the holidays, or something.

http://www.4shared.com/audio/LqUS0DFw/banks.html

He needs to get moving, man, I'm sick of him delaying his safari.

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:57 pm

This guy is pissing me off!!!

Pastor to H4ns

Quote:

I AM A PASTOR NOT BY MERIT BUT THE SPECIAL GRACE OF GOD. I PRAYED OVER THE SUPPOSE TRIP TO NIGERIA, BUT I HAVE NOT GOTTEN ANY VISION, SO I WAS WORRIED AND I CALLED MY SON IN THE LORD AND ASK HIM TO LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME HOW HE CAME IN CONTACT WITH YOU? BECAUSE I WAS TOLD YOU GAVE HIM A PROPOSAL WITHOUT KNOWING HOW THE PROPOSAL CAME TO BE. SO HE OPENED UP TO ME THAT HE PROPOSE A BUSINESS TO YOU, AND YOU WROTE AND CALLED HIM A SCAM. BUT HE SAID YOU TOLD HIM THAT YOU WILL GIVE HIM A JOB TO DO FOR YOU. AND THAT WAS HOW THIS PROPOSAL CAME UP. THOUGH, I DID NOT ASK HIM THE KIND OF PROPOSAL HE SENT TO YOU.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU ENTRUSTED SUCH MONETARY PROPOSAL TO ONE WHOM YOU SAID WANTED TO SCAM YOU. BECAUSE ALL MY TRUSTED ASSOCIATE I ASK FOR MONEY TURNED ME DOWN, I KEEP ASKING WHAT WAS HAPPENING? THINGS HAVE NEVER GONE SO CRITICAL THAT I ASK PEOPLE FOR ASSISTANCE AND THEY TURNED ME DOWN, EVEN YOU THAT I ASK TO SEND MONEY DOWN SO THAT I CAN PROCEED FOR THE JOURNEY, YOU GUYS REFUSED. WHAT IS REALLY THE PROBLEM? NOW I AM WILLING TO USE MY PERSONAL MONEY BUT WILL NOT TAKE ME TO BAUCHI WHICH IS MY MAIN CONCERN.

PLEASE, WRITE AND TELL ME SOMETHING BECAUSE, I AM A SHEPARD OF GOD AND DEMAND A COGENT ANSWER BEFORE I LEAVE FOR THE JOURNEY.

BEST WISHES

I respond:

Quote:

Look, I'll explain it to you.

K3lvin emailed me something about a gold selling business. You and I both know K3lvin isn't in the gold selling business. I get those emails all the time. I don't care how K3lvin makes his money, we all need to make money somehow. I needed to find someone like him that would be willing to undertake a job like this, so I emailed him back.

Over the course of our emails, I began to trust K3lvin so I opened up the details of this job to him. It was originally meant for him. Then he brought you into the deal. Over the last couple of weeks you have earned my trust. I think you can do this job, and I want you to be the one who gets the share of the money. Aside from that, I like you on a personal level. I don't care how you split the money with K3lvin, or if you split it with K3lvin. That is between you guys.

My advice to you would be to go by road. It may take a little longer, but it will be cheaper, and after you recover the money you can fly back first class if you want to.

We need to get this money out of the ground. I am not worried about the GPS battery failing quite yet, but if we delay much longer it could certainly be a possibility, so we need to act on this as soon as possible.

Pastor replies:

Quote:

I UNDERSTAND ALL YOU SAID, BUT TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM HAS RISEN TO AN EXTENT THAT PEOPLE DON'T CARE, BECAUSE OF THE XMAS CELEBRATION. THIS HAS BEEN NORMAL WITH AFRICAN COUNTRIES, I DO NOT KNOW OF THE WESTERN WORLD. THE INCREMENT OF TRANSPORT COST RISE TO %200. EVEN IF I GO BY ROAD MY PERSONAL MONEY IS JUST $200 CONVERSION RATE. WHICH WILL ONLY TAKE ME TO LAGOS AND BEYOND. BUT WILL NOT TAKE ME TO JOS, MUCH LESS HIRE A TAXI THAT WILL TAKE ME TO BAUCHI. I HAVE FAMILY WHICH I AM LIVING BEHIND, AND I KNOW YOU WILL NOT ADVICE ME TO LIVE THEM EMPTY, WITHOUT GIVING THEM FEEDING MONEY FOR THE NEW YEAR CELEBRATION. DEFINITELY, I KNOW MY NEW YEAR WILL BE ON THE ROAD.

PLEASE, IS THERE NOTHING YOU GUYS CAN DO?

H4ns to Pastor

Quote:

We have told you before that there is nothing we can do from our end at this point. Any movement of money could look suspicious if anyone ever investigated.

My advice to you would be that you and K3lvin put together your money and just one of you makes the trip. The one that goes could pay the other back upon return.

Let me know about this as soon as possible, because you told us that you were going to do it, and we (my partners and I) agreed not to talk to anyone else about this project, or to give anyone else the map to the location.

This jackass is going to make the trip if it's the last thing I do.

Maybe I can partner him up with another lad in Lagos and the two can make the trip from Lagos to Bauchi together.

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:13 pm

Quote:

DEFINITELY, I KNOW MY NEW YEAR WILL BE ON THE ROAD

Priceless.

If one of my lads sent that to me, I'd have to delete something in my siggy to crowbar it in Smile

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:20 pm

@Roycropper: definitely siggy material.

Ok, here is the latest. MF'r has agreed to leave if we can assist him on the road. As long as he is moving I see no reason why we can't send him some funds once he gets to Lagos. I mean, what could go wrong?

http://www.4shared.com/audio/nR8C0_A2/going.html

He LOVES playing this 'Im a Pastor' thing. What a shmuck.

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:54 am

Ladies and gentleman, we have a traveling lad!

Where is he going? Could it be the Degobah System to find his Lad Force? Could it be Cloud City to rally with the Empire? Or perhaps the unfortunate lad finds himself on Alderaan just before it is obliterated by the Death Star? Wherever he wants to go, he is going to need money, so first GET THE MONEY!

After much, much, much, schmoozing, cajoling, and gently nudging our Chosen One towards his destiny, he has at last departed for the land of dreams--Nigeria!

Quote:

Subject: I AM ON MY WAY

DEAR BRO. H4NS.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO IS BASED ON WHAT WE DISCUSSED ON LINE WITH YOU. I WILL BE ON MY WAY RIGHT AWAY, BUT YOU GAVE ME AN ASSURANCE THAT WHEN I EMBARK ON THE JOURNEY AND GETS TO WHERE I NEEDED HELP, YOU GUYS WILL BE THERE FOR ME. I AM LEAVING RIGHT AWAY, SO ALL I WANTED IS FOR YOU GUYS TO KNOW THAT I MUST GET TO THE PLACE AND YOU GUYS MUST BE THERE WHEN I CALL FOR ASSISTANCE.

NEVERTHELESS, I WILL CALL YOU WHEN I GET TO NIGERIA AND LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM IN NIGERIA. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR

BEST WISHES,
P4STOR CL3TUS.

Ah, that is so sweet of him!

I placed a quick call to the Pastor and he was just stepping onto the train. He said it will take him 12 hours to get there. My stupid Skype recorder didn't work, so I will call him back later and make sure he is on the choo choo and instruct him on what to do.

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 7:23 am

Happy sixth day of Christmas to all.
I'm listening that posted call-
"I'm going to starve myself to get a passport"
"I'm not greedy"

It's fascinating (oops, wrong sci-fi!) to listen to the lad actually convincing himself to safari.
What a lad!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSRwzP23ifI

My pre-dawn Zubrowka was drunk as a stirrup-cup to the lad's departure.

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 3:01 pm

Great! Yes Pastor we will be happy to help as soon as you run into trouble Twisted Evil

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 8:25 pm

The Pastor has landed!

15 hours by road. He said the traffic was terrible. I could barely hear him because there was so much commotion in the background.

Waiting for him to go check his email and get back to me so that we have confirmation.

Let the fun begin!

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:05 pm

Hopefully he'll be on the road to Jos tomorrow. I'd hate to think of him enjoying himself at a New Year's party, when he could be stuck on a bus in a traffic jam somewhere. Twisted Evil

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:51 pm

Oh, man! this is getting good already!

Pastor has made it to Lagos and has boarded a public transport to Abuja. He tells me he has spent all the money he brought with him (not sure what he plans on doing for the night once he gets to Abuja) and he has eaten some ICE CREAM for dinner--I kid you not, those are his exact words.

It was so noisy on the bus that I could hardly hear him. He asked me to call him back in an hour. I'll be home from work around then so I can record it.

This is only day one of his Star Wars Safari and already he is fucked!

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 11:23 pm

Wow already hit the road to Abuja! Let me guess he will sell his watch once he gets there.

Maybe you should forget to call him so he has to email you...

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 11:23 pm

Whoo Hoo!!! Way to go folks! jump_4_joy

Run mugu run!

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 11:52 pm

@Badgerbait: Thanks! This guy really took some convincing.

@Bravo: Lad seems pretty stressed out already. He called me at 2:40 my time but it was a bit loud on the bus, or train, or whatever he is on, so he told me to call him back in an hour. Then he called back at 3:15 asking why I hadn't called.

'You told me to call you in an hour,' I said.
'It's been over an hour,' he said.

hahahaha!

I am definitely going to call him back because he said he wants to tell me the details of his trip. I'll tell him that he needs to check his email in the morning for some reason or another, and we'll get confirmation that way.

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:03 am

Well I can't wait hear his tales of his journey so looking forward to it. I can't believe he went straight on to Abuja.

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:07 am

This guy is incredible! After taking 3 weeks to convince him to get off his ass and make the trip, he is suddenly going lightning speed across greater West Africa. He will be in Abuja in 5 or 6 hours.

Here is the call:

http://www.4shared.com/audio/PmPmu6vE/ontheroad.html

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:11 am

Did you loan him the Millennium Falcon? Laughing

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:24 am

No Chewie lost the keys again.

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 4:14 am

I love the thought of him spending his last shekel on an ice cream sandwich in a bus station in Lagos and thinking 'Shit, man, this is my dinner?'

We need to slow this guy down a little. He'll be digging up the roadside by tonight if we don't do something.

insults and more · Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 6:24 am

When I contact him, I might be able to throw him a bit.

I'm thinking about having him swear on the life of his firstborn that he has never had anything to do with L3yah. And then rant about the inscrutability of women, moan about how I screwed up the relationship, etc.

Perhaps I should, in my best Tom Waits growl, simply pine/enter homicidal fury for my lost love.

Edit: The above, in such a way as to not scare him too much. I'll drop some enticements that'll make him want to meet her.

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:22 am

@Leonsumbitches: Your avatar is fucking classic! I love it!

It's 12:30 a.m. my time, and so far no calls or emails from Lad Pastor. I am assuming that his journey is taking much longer than expected.

I can't imagine ice cream being much of a stick-to-the-ribs food. His tummy is probably grumbling. Poor lad.

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:30 am

I'm listening to the call.
Great work, NWM! You just let him go on and on with the occasional question when he showed signs of slowing down.
He practically baits himself.
He sounds so proud of himself as he tells you how resourceful he's been to get this far.

I'm sure any woman would be glad to meet a fascinating man like that.
Especially a (NY jewish or poor little rich girl type) princess recovering from a sad break-up.
Sigh.
Those Italians, can't live with them, can't live without them.

I like the way he lost his first connection in Lagos Cool

Next stop Abuja, surviving on ice cream.
Sweet.

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 9:55 am

Are you really doing an impression of 'Jimmy Stewart'? Or is that natural .. brilliant.

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