Should Chris go to Ghana (NSFW)

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Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:09 am

So I have a ladette from 4ppl.com on the boil. It's been 4 days and she's already making marriage plans. Rita is in Ghana, Chris is in Melbourne.

A complete lack of spacing is her work, not mine btw:

Quote:

On Thu, 02 Dec 2010 18:18 -0800, "R1ta the ETA eater" <R1ta the ETA eater> wrote:

hi dear how are you am rita the lady i spoke with yhou at 4ppl and am now here to send you some greetging ? and now i what to know more about you and hnow you behave in life what you like and what you dont like so that i will not do it to hate you as well as ou are new to me i want to know more too from you like 1. what is your name? 2 WHERE DO YOU COME FROM? 3 what work do you do for liven? 4 are you single and can you marry me as your wife 5 do you stay alone and do you have a child ? the rest will be ask when you ask of me too and i will ask you again ok have anice words from me your xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I replied with:

Quote:

Hi rita,

To answer your questions, my name is . I live in Melbourne Australia but sometimes travel for work. I'm the IT manager for , who are based in Sydney but have offices all over Australia. Music is my passion, to the extent that I used to be the lead singer of a heavy metal band called static aisle Chop Monkey, but that era is passed now, and I left the band three years ago to settle down.

I am single, never married with no kids and have just put down a deposit on my apartment in the CBD of Melbourne, so I guess the bank owns my apartment right now, but it'll be mine in about ten years Smile

what about you?

Chris

And she comes back with this jumbled mess:

Quote:

thank chris
am happy to know more ab out you dear am also a lady in passion honest to my follow friends but know i can say is not a friend am seriously looking for my love and my soul owner to care and love me tgill the rest of my live
ABOUT ME
am a single lady not married no children and i have just complete my national service as a teacher in ghana here but i so now i dont have a work now am in the house
i stay with my parents and they are honest to be stay with all ways
AND NOW ABOUT YOU ANS, ME?
1 will you like to marry me if you no me better and will you care for me?
2relocation is inportant will you come here or i will come there i mean coming christmas for hlidays?
3,,,,your full name ?

So, whaddya think guys and gals, should Chris go to Ghana???

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:47 am

In the meantime, Chris is unsure about what to do (That's why he needs your help, peeps):

Quote:

Hi Rita ,

As I get to know you, I will have to consider your question carefully. To be honest I know nothing about Africa, let alone Ghana, so maybe you would consider relocating. Or you can tell me all about Ghana. What is it like? What language is spoken there? Plus the fact I've just bought my apartment...

I have travelled most of Europe with my old band, but not Africa. Seems there wasn't much of a market for Heavy Metal in Africa. My full name is <snipped, but has Tiberius as a middle name>, why do you ask?

Do you think your teaching credentials would be useful in Australia? Would my IT credentials be recognised in Africa? So many questions, so little time. My head is swimming.

Chris

Let's hope she bites. I might have to warn her about the dangers of drop bears to get her to stay there Wink

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:08 pm

I've had a few romance scammers come my way. In every case the laddette was "in love" with me as soon as I wrote back with anything, and very often wanted to marry me by the second email, even if the only thing I'd written was to question why anyone would be interested in an old man like me. (I send them a picture of the late, great Don Knots taken about a year before he passed away.)

I used to wonder how on earth they ever could be successful with such obviously unrealistic interactions, and then it occurred to me that those who fall for this must be desperately lonely. These scammers are cruel beyond belief. They must know that the people that they are cheating are already miserable and feel utterly unloved. Adding the insult and injury of their scam must leave their victims utterly devastated.

Whatever you do to this one, please be sure it wastes plenty of his/her time--and don't be gentle.

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:17 pm

- chris is always gentle UNTIL THE END. Twisted Evil

- he'll have her so worked up, that she won't know what happened. banghead

--- go get her, chris clapping

Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:08 am

Haven't heard anything from R1ta the ETA eater yet, so I decided to pretend I'm romantic at heart. I send her this:

Quote:

Hi Rita,

I have thought about this carefully. I have tried so hard to not fell with my heart yet my heart cannot remove you from it. To be honest, I am normally a VERY logical person and I have never had feelings like this before.

I want -no- need you in my life. I must have you, physically, emotionally and sexually. Your beauty is beyond compare and you are as beautiful on the inside as the outside. I must confirm you do mind the tattoos, as a lot of people become very concerned about the amount of tattoos I have. If you do not mind them, I do not mind if you have any as well

Just tell me where we are to go from here.

Chris

What she doesn't know yet, is that where we're going is 5imba in Benin Wink

Posted: Thu Dec 09, 2010 1:43 am

So today I get this back from R1ta the ETA eater:

Quote:

hi chris,
how are you? thank you for your mail and i was happy when i read your mail thank you very much for your care and passion you have for me am well grad to be a woman in your life,never mine of the tatoos ok and am waiting till put me to nest level ok my heart is for you ok i will allways love you ok but i hate promise and fail so where will you enjoy you E-Max holidays

So, I think about it, and since I've nicknamed her R1ta the ETA eater, why not put it onto the bait? No I should warn you guys, this WILL get very ICKY (and may even be NSFW). For our Aussie readers, they may enjoy this. For those from elsewhere, ETA was a brand of Peanut butter, promoted by "Bunny" Gibson as "R1ta the ETA eater". Enjoy:

Quote:

My dear R1ta the ETA eater,

I hope you don't mind my pet name for you. All of my past girlfriends LOVED the names I came up with for them and I'm hoping you will be no different. It showed them the faith I put into the relationship, and I plan to truly make this one special.

I hope you won't tell anyone, but yours is a truly special name is ETA is what I call my penis (You DO know all men name their penis, mine is ETA!)

I have decided to put the apartment back on the market and sell it, and use some of the funds from my CD royalty checks to travel to Africa. I am currently looking at working out my travel plans and will let you know when and where I am travelling too. Of course you will join me there, and while I make deep passionate love to you, you will truly enjoy the taste of ETA.

I love you so much my darling R1ta the ETA eater!

Chris

Let's see what she makes if THAT! Wink

Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 12:19 am

ahh…big Chrys always thinking about little chrys! To be honest I thought with the whole peanut butter thing you were going down the Jagger/Faithful mars bar route. But knowing you you'll probably work that in too!!

Come to think of it isn't there a peanut butter brand called Happy Valley? Or is that just my dirty mind Wink

Love Phil X

Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 1:09 pm

I got this back from R1ta the ETA eater (I'm having to leet, as the bait came up in google):

Quote:

Hi chris,

thank you very much for your mail am also fine and how is my ETA Hehehehe ok and my is also fine and i use to call it atu,i hope you will like it and it will be nice to se you reality but not good for you to seal your apartment stop!!!ok i dont like that ok so

so dear what do you have for me these christmas am waiting to hear from you ok

You can't imagine how overjoyed I was to see she bit! I send this back:

Quote:

My dear R1ta the ETA eater,

There has been a bit of interest in the Apartment, being in the CBD and so close to everything the city has to offer. I could sell and make a tidy profit if things keep going as they are. Am still looking at travel itineraries, will let you know when it'd finalised

What would you like for Christmas (apart from my ETA of course)???

Chris

Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 3:36 am

Okies, seems R1ta the ETA eater is happy to work weekends. Unfortunately she now includes crap poems. Her complete lack of spacing is hers:

Quote:

hi Chris ,
am so much happy to hear that you are about to come to me to enjoy your eta ok i have great feeling for that ,, but dear what worries me most is that i dont want you to seal it ok
My heart aches no matter
where it goes.
I see the sky and wished
you'd be home.
I try to see things clearly
but somthings not forfeeling.
An empty space is kept.
No one can ever notice that
it was just.me and you.
everyone thinks its easy.
why cant they leave me alone
if the only thing i ever
wanted was for you to come home.
I thought everything was okay.
Now i see things different.
My hearts half gone.
why cant life ever be easy?
My memory stays with you.
my heart isnt fooled.
I'll cry till the end,
beacsue we were so close to
saying i do.hat i don't want you to seal you apartment ok because

I have found my one true love
a man i had always dreamed of
a man who is rear
a man who feels and cry's just like i do
a man who don't mind cleaning
a man that cares for his kids and at the same time can be a kid him self
a man i know will love me for a life time
I have found my one true love
how about you ?

nice to read it, have nice day
from Rita your love.

2nd email of the day, the requests start up:

Quote:

hello chris,

i will be glade if you can send me laptop as a Christmas gift and i will never for get even if i collet money from you i will spend it and if i get the laptop i will always remember you

Last AND least:

Quote:

When I look into your eyes,
I can feel eternity.
It Shows, no surprise,
That we were meant to be.

With every single kiss,
There's a flutter in my heart.
Feeling's I can't dismiss.
God's work of fine art.

Every warm embrace,
Gives me an emotional high.
A love as delicate as lace,
But strong enough to never die.

Whenever I see your smile,
My heart melts inside.
More beautiful than The Emerald Isle.
Together our souls are tied

Each time I hear you voice,
The words "I Love You" sound so sweet.
My soul begins to rejoice.
Without you, I would be incomplete.

Well if she can force me to put up with shitty poetry the LEAST I can do is send her to 5imba! More soon... Twisted Evil

Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 5:05 am

So I decide to send this back. I would normally edit to add, but I wanted to make sure the post didn't get more confusing than it already is. Bolding and notes are mine:

Quote:

My darling R1ta the ETA eater,

The poems were so sweet, thank you for making them up for me (yeah, riiiggghhht). I feel honoured that you would go to such trouble... (to googling a couple of crappy poems that I barely glanced at)

While I'm not certain I can be there by Christmas ('Cos in real life I'm not planning on leaving Melbourne), I will try be there if I can. A friend has recommended a place he visited when he was in Africa ( A friend called 5imba) Wink

, I will find out the details and maybe we can go there. He said it was well wicked, and if it is that Brill, I wanna be part of it! My travel agent <the Ditz> is looking into it, and seeing what sort of travel deals I can get. I've known Kathrin for most of her life, she used to do all the travel arrangements for the band back in the day.

Oh Rita, of course I will buy a laptop! In fact I will get the most serious gaming machine I can find! It is of course Alienware's new laptop the m17x, and I am doing a deal with dell to make sure you get the best of everything, with World of Warcraft pre-installed naturally. And a BARGAIN at $5176.93. I am placing an order now and will let you know when it will be delivered (To my character) Embarassed

And don't worry about cash, I will bring more than enough when I finally arrive for us to have a grand old time in. What dress size are you sexy Rita? I am on the Victoria's secret website, and I am seeing some DAMN sexy little numbers that would look hot on you!!! I will pick some up for you! (that would look GREAT on a fat balding middle aged MAN!)

I will hopefully be seeing you soon, my darling. (Seeing you at 5imba, beatch!!!) beating

Chris

Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 2:56 am

Bitch! It's been days now and not a sausage. I send her the bad news as a test to see if I've been dropped. As usual, LANGUAGE WARNING!:

Quote:

My dear Rita,

I am sorry to say Dell will not have the laptop ready before Christmas. They did offer a cheaper one sooner, but if you're going to play games on a laptop, you need a gaming machine. I don't want to sound rude about it, but I'm really fucked off about it. I've bought all my gaming devices from Dell in the past, hell I'm even typing to you from one right now, I think they should get their shit together.

I will have my travel plans finalised by the end of the week. Kathrin has suggested a place called Benin, which from all accounts looks lovely. I will tell you more soon.

Chris

There's only been ONE truth in this whole bait... I actually AM on a Dell Laptop Wink

Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 2:34 pm

R1ta the ETA eater FINALLY gets back, and she's made this bait NSFW. Spacing is hers:

Quote:

hi Chris,
thank you very much for your mail ok,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
dear am grad to read your mail and i hope you are coming to Africa and i will be grad to meet you here or you will allow me to come to you in Benin,,,,,,,, when i come there then that day is going to be boom am going to feel your eta and i will totally fuck by you in you presence mmmmmmmmmmmm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and is going to be a great day in my life been fuck by you as my husband i love it i will be happiest day in my life

dear don't worry ok i will wait till you you will get me the lap top ok i love you so much
but dear will you send me some money to by food staff as Christmas gift
here are the ditals of the sending of the money ok
NAME ,,,R1TA ADOBEAH
COUNTRY,,GHANA
CITY,,BEREKUM

and i will be happy of it
yours ever rita

Will edit in a reply as soon as I think of one

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 3:57 am

I got sidetracked by sleep/soldier of fortune II: double helix. It's time to not only reply but to introduce S1mba:

Quote:

My Dear R1ta the ETA eater,

The details to Benin will be finalised tomorrow hopefully, and I would love for you to join me. Kathrin has been working ll weekend to get the details finalised 'cos I want to be there hopefully before Xmas. you don't want to tell me your dress size? I saw some very sexy swimsuits I would love to get for you, and then hopefully I will get you out of it. Have you ever made love in the Ocean Rita? I have it's awesome.

As I said I am travelling to Benin. I wasn't all that certain but Kathrin was adamant and after seeing the website, I am converted. Have a look for yourself:

<snipped in case of Google, but S1mba in Benin>

Hopefully you will join me there, and I will make love to you day and night for the week I will be there

Chris

Not quite a Newb Joined: 19 Dec 2010 Posts: 43

I'm new to this site but love what you guys do. I must be a bit naive because I wasn't 100% sure he/she was a scammer till he/she asked for cash and a laptop!

By the way I believe that Rita the ETA eater was about margarine. I remember because it was such an annoying series of advertisements at the time.

Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 2:02 am

@ Binda: You are absolutely right about good ol' Rita. I took the ad out of context for shits and giggles. And yes, they WERE annoying ads weren't they!

Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 1:34 am

So, bitchface hasn't written back. So I may be dropped. Let's find out, it seems I leave for Benin tomorrow:

Quote:

My darling R1ta the ETA eater,

Kathrin has rushed this through and I leave for Benin tomorrow and arrive at Cotonou ON Xmas day at 5.40 pm on Kanya airways flight KQ 542! Rita I must say I am SO excited, I have never been to Africa before, and the prospect of finally meeting you is so exciting. Dell have said the laptop has been shipped so I expect to be delivered soon.

I have attached a screen shot of my travel plans to make it easier for you to meet me. And my darling when we meet we'll go through the Victoria's secret catalogue together. There's some things in there you would look sensational in (or out of).

Chris

Let's see if she bites. I attached a screenshot, but added so much blurriness, she can't see that I deliberately added the "Mugu must pay" face book page to it. If not, it's on to the next one. 4ppl had to be good for SOMETHING! Wink

Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:10 am

So, bitchface decides to write back (I was convinced I'd been dropped). 1st I get a crappy love poem (stolen from 1 million poems.com. It was number 1882):

Quote:

I love you more than life itself
Your love's the kind that makes me melt
Although I'm human I feel like ice, your love's the warmth that brings new life.
I know our time so far has been short but still you've shown me love, and soo much more.
There's still alot I have to do to show you my love is kind and true.
I love it when we sit and talk, I even like to watch you walk.
I love to stare into your eyes and know that all I see is mine.
I like to watch you brush your hair, I love to know you'll always be there.
I see you when i close my eyes, I see you in my dreams at night.
You're all thats ever on my mind, I think of you when I need to unwind.
Even though we fuss and fight it all just strengthens our love, our bind.
This bind is what makes our loves so strong and how I know it will last soo long.
chris you are the love of my life and if you are willing to put up with me for the rest of yours I'd be the luckiest man alive to have you as my housband

Then the reminder she wants a laptop:

Quote:

dear thank you very much f or your mail
dear you told me you are in Bennie ok
am also still waiting for you to come to Ghana and i will be grad o f you dear
dear i will be happy if you send me the laptop as a gift and i will be proud of you?
what is you main reason you are coming to benine to do what there for work of just for tourism and i will like you t o come to ghana than that place i want you to come to ghana

And finally this:

Quote:

dear thank you very much f or your mail
dear you told me you are in Bennie ok
am also still waiting for you to come to Ghana and i will be grad o f you dear
dear i will be happy if you send me the laptop as a gift and i will be proud of you?
what is you main reason you are coming to benine to do what there for work of just for tourism and i will like you t o come to ghana than that place i want you to come to ghana

I'd better let her know I'm having a grand old time Wink

And Here is my response. I seriously doubt she'll actually travel, but one can hope:

Quote:

My dear R1ta the ETA eater,

Benin is wonderful! I arrived on Xmas day, and the shuttle bus was already there waiting to pick me up. 5imba is SUCH a beautiful Safari park, you should join me here. I will speak to the Safari camp owners, and see if they can send the shuttle bus for you. I can't wait for you to join me here in Benin. Let me know when you get to Cotonou and I will get the shuttle to pick you up.

Oh before I forget, the laptop has been despatched, it will hopefully arrive soon. I hope you don't mind, but I picked out a couple of numbers from the Victoria's secret catalogue, I hope you like them, I think they will look very sexy on you. If not, I'll happily take them off (If you know what I mean and think you do) Wink

I can't wait for you to meet me here, I am so happy you will meet me here

Chris

Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:25 am

Oh,and Binda, can you please leet your rita comment?

It's coming up on the 1st page of a google search. While I have my doubts Rita will google the phrase, it's better to be safe than sorry

Cheers,

Chrys

Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:27 am

So bitchface is keen to join me. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't want to go by bus. and let me assure you it is now most definitely NSFW:

Quote:

hello my dear Chris ,
i will be happy to come to you at Benin and now as am in Ghana why can't i come there with plain and it will be good than bus because is long journey i can not site in buss for about two day in buss but as for plain one hour and am there so that you can pic me from the port OK
dear think about that you can let your wonderful wife like me to travel with buss with all these long journey OK
dear when i come to you how many rounds can you make me feel on bed so that i can prepare for that ok dear i will be grad to enjoy your ETA,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,no is not for any more is for me and i will own it for ever i will suck it till you cum in my mouth
tell the dell company to send the laptop fast OK so that i will always send you massages on it am now using my friends own now

And I get this as well...:

Quote:

I wrote this one also, the morning after we got married!
It is a foggy morning, beautiful and still
As I watch you dreaming, maybe of me.
The fog in my mind slowly clears until
Reality dawns with the sun,
My body feels remade: every fiber renewed,
Every muscle relaxed as peace settles in.
We are not changed, yet we’ll never be the same
The universe shifted and took us with it.
We are more than the sum of two bodies
More than our collective hopes,
More than partners and friends.
We were two, and created one more.
Now we are three in this bed:
There is you, whom I will never own,
And me, still free but not alone,
And a “we” created of love.
I watch you sleep and yet,
There is a silvery connection
Helping me touch your soul,
And bind it to mine in perfection.

Of course the poem came up in google (40,100 times): Seems I got hitched at the same chapel as Homer Simpson... We bear a resemblance as well Wink

I send her this back, of course I have no intention of sending anything to help her travel:

Quote:

My dear R1ta the ETA eater,

I would love for you to be here with me. I love this place so much I have extended my stay from a week to a month. Let me know when you are arriving and at what airport and I will try to have the shuttle bus meet you there. Then you can join me at Simba and we can make love in the Niger River

Chris

Next up, the laptop FINALLY arrives... In Melbourne!

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 3:54 am

So, bitchface writes back... Of COURSE she wants me to pay for her ticket:

Quote:

hello dear ,
am very happy that you have extended you plan from week to mounth that is good 0of you like that most dear i love the lovely words from you mouth
honey as i said i don't have enouth money to buy plain ticket and so you send little money to be add to my ok if you don't have it now ok
then you come to ghana and i will be with you in the air port ok don't worry as at now i don't work that is why dear if i WORK i wouldn't have let you pay for my bill but my plan is dear if you help me to get my own work i will be proud of you and i will like to have a work like internet cafe and i will be happy as you said you are going to send me laptop then try it early ok i always say laptop but as for the cafe i will use desktop so dear think much about it ,,,,,,, so that if is time for me to come to you in USA i will soul port much of the bill
thank you very much for reading my mail
you's ever
rita

I also get a poem, I won't bore you with it (It sure as hell bored me), let's just say this poem has 1.6 million hits on it, so of course I believe she wrote it. Needless to say there's gonna be a problem with Chris sending her the money:

Quote:

My dear R1ta the ETA eater,

I left my credit card in Melbourne, I always do when I'm on tour. I was robbed in Germany during my band's tour of Europe in 2003, and the thief had spent $3000 before the card was finally stopped. I have traveller's cheques here at 5imba, and since everything is included, I have had no need to use them.

My darling Rita. It would be best if you just caught the plane and I re-embursed you whatever you spend upon your arrival at the 5imba 5afari camp. As I said my darling Rita, let me know what flight you're on, so I can have the shuttle bus pick up from the airport. It's a long way from the airport to the camp, but my god, what an amazing journey. You will love 5imba, dear Rita. It is so beautiful

Let me know when the laptop arrives. As an IT Manager, I can teach you all you will ever need to know about how the laptop works, how to connect to the internet, and how to play the pre-installed copy of World of warcraft. I can even get an upgrades or software you may need for your laptop cheaper than anywhere else. If need be, I can even teach you how to open it up and fix it, I used to work in the repair department at , before being promoted to being IT manager.

I can't wait to finally meet you

Chris

Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2011 3:35 am

Bitchface is happy to work weekends. She asks about the laptop (not about Chris). I get this as a subject header:

": MY PRECIOUS KING IN MY HEAR ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,":

Quote:

hi chris,
am happy you said you have send me the laptop,,,,,,,,,,,, dear when did you send it and let me know how i can get it ok dear , honey i love you so much did you send it true DHL or what company dear i will be happy if i get the laptop dear any software you wish to install on it do it ok dear dear my amount on me can not even buy a ticket ok so if that be the case i will wait for you till you finish your toure ok and you come over here for me ok i love that most ok i love you and i need you in my heart ,,,,,,,,,,,, dear you come to ghana ok and i will make love to you any time you want ok

love you for ever my king
from RITA

I also get this. Seems she wants another pic of Angry Anderson:

Quote:

hi dear
i have miss you dear can you send me one pictuer of you and i will like to look at your face when i am going to sleep to dream more about you dear my mother ask me of your full name and i only said Chris what is the other name please tell me and i will tell my mum ok

Maybe I should slap her for not even knowing my name Twisted Evil

ETA: I slapped her hard, since my name is my email signature, and is at the bottom of every email I send her. I also decide to up the ante. Seems a pretty blonde has eyes for Chris as well:

Quote:

My dear R1ta the ETA eater,

As for the laptop, Dell is shipping it out as part of the purchase price and I haven't been really paying attention as to when it was sent out, but I will get in touch with them soon and let you know when it is due to arrive.

But I must say that I am most disappointed that you do not even remember my name, which not only did I send to you in the earliest of the emails I've sent you, it is also at the bottom of every email I send you! I hate to admit it, but it tells me that you don't do not love me like I love you.

Maybe I should stop spurning the advances of the simply gorgeous Anja, who I met here at the camp. I have been fighting the urge to sleep with her, based on your love for me. And since that doesn't seem to be the case, I think she and I will hook up! You know, she's willing to put out for me...

I've attached a pic of me and Anja partying last night at the 5imba 5afari Camp here in Benin. She's cute don't you think? At least she can remember my name!

I found this pic online, and sent it to Rita:

Let's see what bitchface makes of THAT!

Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 7:30 am

I've decided Bitchface isn't working hard enough. Time to light another fire under her ass:

Quote:

Dear Rita,

I have spoken to Dell and they say the package was delivered yesterday. Let me know what you think of the laptop. I'm assured by my gamer friends it's the best you can get.

Anja and I are off for drinks at the 5afari camp bar. she's gonna teach me how to make a drink called a "Screaming orgasm". sounds like fun

Chris

I am about to get FAR more demanding... Wink

Chrys

Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 4:37 am

Bitchface FINALLY gets back to me. Of COURSE, she cares more about the laptop than she does me. I WILL be hurt about it, that's for sure: Wink

Quote:

hi Chris,
hi dear how are you doing today dear i was sad when you reply me back with my mail dear am sad once again sad ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,dear i have been disappointed in you too,,,,,you promised to love me for ever but dear that also sound that you don't love me too dear my heart is for you hold it well for me ,,,,dear i don't want any broken heart please ,,,,,,,

dear who is that bitch who want to snatched you from me ,,,dear i don't want you any more to talk to me to hear that lady's name any more how there she to talk to you like that ,,,,,,,,,

dear make her understand that she is not yours ,,am yours and i will be proud of you ok dear

if you have get the laptop send it through this address

name: Bitchface
country:GHANA
city:BEREKUM

dear if you are sending it send it true DHL and send the resit through this address ,,,,

GYAN M1CHEAL
<snipped PO Box addy>
% Bitchface

so that dear i will get the resit fast to go to the DHL office to get the laptop ok so dear i will be proud to get the laptop
because i have told you before that i dont have my own i always visit my friend to reply your mail always and sometimes i go to cafe too ,,,,,,,,, so dear try all your best to help me with that ok

I LOVE how she's trying to make me feel guilty about being with Anja. I think I'll rub Anja into her face a little more. Slappage time methinks. Will edit in a reply as soon as I think of one. Edited to add my reply:

Quote:

Rita,

You DON'T have the laptop??? I was told by Dell's head office in the United States that it was delivered and signed for by YOU late last week. I will have to look into this, and get back to you. Of course I don't have the paperwork ON me, I am in Benin (where YOU should be by the way) and the paperwork is in Melbourne, but I will have my brother go to my place and email me the receipt.

I wan't you to call Dell's Integrated Customer call Centre at <snipped, but one of the fake numbers on the help and tips forum> and get this sorted. I spent five grand on that thing, and if it's lost my insurance will cover it, but the excess fees will be phenomenal and my no claim bonus will go out the window! By the way Dell do not seem to use DHL, they have their own courier service. For the amount of money I spent on that beast, they'd better!

As for Anja, please do not be rude to her, as jealousy is unbecoming of you. Unlike you, Anja can at least remember my name, and has travelled from Germany (Koln more specifically). You seem to unwilling to travel from Ghana which is much closer. I find myself falling for her, and it is such a struggle not to make passionate love to her. As you saw from the photo I sent you, she is so pretty and we have so much in common.

You should be here, and not in Ghana, as soon I will be unable to resist her charms. I constantly fight the urge to make love to her, especially here in the camp which is such a romantic place to be. Anja has even suggested that if we still get as well as we do at the end of my visit, I should return to Koln with her. My European Union passport is still valid and I am considering it to be honest.

My dear Rita, I wan't to be with you, can't you travel here and spend time with me? I leave for Melbourne in two and a half weeks, or with Anja if things work out.

Chris

Up next fake receipt to be sent. Good enough slap hopefully. Edited to add... After making said fake dell receipt, 30 minutes of uploading pics to facebook, checking my mail and a bit of playing about on the net generally, I send her this back. Bolding and comments are mine:

Quote:

Dear Rita,

I have spoken to my brother George (against 5imba 5afari Camp regulations I might add), and he has sent a copy of the receipt, which I attached to this email. And after speaking to Dell they have sent me a scan of the signature of the person who signed for the laptop, which I've also attached.

Isn't that you're signature? (made up from one of the links on the help and tips forum) Look Rita, I need you to sort this out. Did you ring the number I gave you? I can't really do much of anything from here. God I wish my brother George was here! (sorry, couldn't resist)

Anja has raised an interesting point. She thinks it's just an attempt to get another laptop out of me, she says you're being horrible and needy, and are just after me for my money (what little I have). You WOULDN'T do anything like that to me would you? I would be HORRIFIED if that was the case! God this is a disaster... A $5,000 laptop floating through the wilds of Africa. (if she bothers to read the receipt, she'll see the delivery address is in Melbourne. With luck she'll try slap me for that, I will argue about her signature)

I need a drink, let me know what you do.

Chris

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:57 am

So today, I get this back, the spacing and grammar are hers:

Quote:

hi dear ,
am very happy when you send me the receipt ,,,,,dear may i ask have you send the laptop and you gave me a number when i call no body pick my call so dear and i don't even i don't know what you mean about your mail

do you mean i should singn my signature and attach it to you or what should i do
dear or what way will you alow me to get the laptop
dear if you love me forget what your brother is saying
if am not good for you then i,,you too you don't love me ,,,dear i will tell you know what i do in life i work as pay time in a salon evry day and is my duty to take care of my mother every day that is why i am not coming to you and the most important thing is that i don't have the money to buy ticket to come to Benin that is why ,,,,,,,,,,,,,dear i love you so forget inja ok she is not your love she is just want to play with you ok
dear i will make you happy always ok dear am not in your life for your money ,,but real love is power to me i will keep on loving you and am going to put down my pussy for you only till we meet and is my wish that i will save money so if you go back you the state i will use it and come to you there and there in the state we are going to have many fun ok so don't say you are just here in Benin and i don't want to come ok i love you and i want to have children with you ok and i want true love not fake love don't let any one pollute your maid
i love you from the bottom of my heart

This gal's starting to bore me now, I think it's time to issue an ultimatum, come to Benin, or else! edited to add my reply! Wink

Quote:

Rita,

How dare you tell me to forget my brother!!! Unlike you, he is my flesh and blood. He let me stay at his home after I left the band. He helped me find my course, and the apartment I currently live in. So no, that isn't on the cards.

I'm going to straight up Rita. I have finally tracked down the laptop, it was sent to my home in Melbourne. I will have it sent to Benin, and if you want it, you WILL join me here. I do not care how you do it, but you will let me know when you are in Cotonou, and I will get the 5afari camp shuttle bus to pick you up from the airport and drive you to the 5afari camp here on the river Niger. I have travelled half way around the world Rita, and you can't even be bothered to travel the few hundred miles from Ghana to Benin. I think that tells me very succinctly who loves who.

Let me know when you will arrive, our love depends on you coming here

Chris

Let's see what Bitchface makes of THAT!

Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:57 am

Bitchface piles it on, and I mean REALLY piles it on. I wondered if there was any life in the old hag:

Quote:

hi Chris ,
i am sad of your mail when i read it dear i have a sick mother here ,,,so you want me tpo live her alon in our house and come to you there oooohhhhh that is pity you no i love you and i will be unhappy if i come to you when i will be hearing that my mother is dead ,,,,,,,
i need to bee with her for some time before OK that is why i told you to come to Ghana and you told me is a small kilometers from Cotonou to Accra is true,,,,,,,,,,, but if you love me most and you really want me as your wife come to me i will welcome you very well in our house OK and i will be happy if i see you OK dear is not like i don't wont to come is because of my mothers condition

honey do you know the reson why i have kept long fort not replying you or is my friend i use to visit his pc was not in town that is why is was lat dear if you love why don't you let me get the laptop[ so that i can reply you as soon as i saw your mail OK dear don't think tat i am not in love with you OK i love you 100% in my heart only God knows OK i can't forget you like that in my heart i can't have any broken heart OK so don't brake my heart OK i love you soo much

Again, I'll edit in a reply as soon as I think of one. And here it is. Seems Chris is not having a bar of it:

Quote:

My dear Rita,

You mentioned you're mother, I was fully expecting you to bring her along. Again, I will re-emburse you for any money you spend.

The laptop is due here by the end of the week, you have until then to decide whether you really want to be with me. Anja says that the mother thing is just a ruse, I hope you will prove me wrong and come to Benin. Anja is also dubious that you'll show up, but she says that's fine, because we have agreed that if you do not arrive at the Safari camp, I will return to Köln in Germany with her for awhile. I've always loved Germany, it's where we had our best receptions when I was in the metal band back in the early noughties.

I also remind you that YOU are the one who tried to get me to ignore my own brother. If I am to that, then you will ignore your mother. Surely there is someone else in your family who can look after her for just a few days? After that, I will return to Ghana with you and help you get some specialised care for her. Isn't it time that you looked after yourself for a change? You can't take care of her forever, and you should start thinking of your life after her. I know you do not want to hear this, but after taking care of MY late mother (who died after 28months from an Infected Madagascar), I realise now that I didn't look after me, something I will never do again.

My original position stands. I don't care how you get here (and again, bring your mother with you), but if you do not, then Anja and I are off to Köln after the weekend. I await your response eagerly

Chris

Game ON, MOLES! Rolling Eyes

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