Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:21 pm

What's the difference betweena a policeman's truncheon and a magician's wand ?

A magician's wand is for cunning stunts !!

Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:22 pm

In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The programme was never aired…..

Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 8:08 pm

What's the difference between a dead possum on the road and a dead scammer?

There are skids marks before the possum... Twisted Evil

Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:33 am

The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? fuck! .... Is it midnight already?'

Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:35 am

An illegal immigrant picks up a lady of the night.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"£100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you £200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you £300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you £400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay £1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting, But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 5:30 pm

The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, wee Jimmy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Wee Jimmy replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Jimmy's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Jimmy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "James, how is your hearing now?"

Wee Jimmy answered,

" Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."

Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:07 am

Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 2:30 am

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.

Quote:

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today and the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town.

The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 5:15 am

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist, who shared offices with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the desk, he noticed that the receptionist was

a large, unfriendly appearing woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!

Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 5:18 am

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, 'Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!

Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:37 am

Not a joke, but a random link - bizzarest headline I've seen all week:

Woman fights bear with courgette

Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:42 am

bill2 wrote:

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.

Quote:

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

Actually most, if not all, of those "real examples" pre-date Kulula by a fair margin.

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/announce.asp

Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:04 pm

Many aspects of human sexuality are puzzling.
Take celibacy, for example.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Tony's life of celibacy....

Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:05 pm

Central Africa white farmer was woken up by loud banging on the door.
He opens the door a black chap stood there.
He said "My wife has just had a baby and it is white,you must be the father"
The farmer said,Now look here old son just because your wife had a white baby
it do not mean that I am the father,It is all to do to genes,I have a flock of white sheep but every now and again they have a black lambs.
OK OK I know what you are on about you stay away from my wife and I will stay away from your sheep.

Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:07 pm

A Chinese family of five, Bu, Chu, Fu, Hu and Su, were considering emigrating to the USA. Their applications were accepted but staff at the US Embassy in Beijing suggested that they should consider adopting American-sounding names to help with their integration. So

Bu became Buck

Chu became Chuck

Hu became Huck

And Fu and Su decided to stay in China....... Laughing

Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:08 pm

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ......

'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE with all the wrapping!'

Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:10 pm

A London Fire

In a run-down part of East London a fire
destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house

that had been divided into four flats.*

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.

But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.

Why was just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed,and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ...

"Because they were both at work."

Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:40 am

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:47 am

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Miaow!"

Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 5:20 pm

The Hunter walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged shooting the Hunter in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well Sir, I have some good news and some bad news . . . The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot ."
"What's the bad news?" asked the Hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I reckon that isn't too bad," the Hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's in the Larkhall Flute Band. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face."

Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 5:26 pm

MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMPUTING
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

When you need to send an email quick, that’s when the modem won’t connect!

Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 9:19 pm

Google Products We'll Never See

1. Google Hitman Assistant - Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.

2. Googlearchy - Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.

3. Google Smite - An extension of Google Earth; uses laser beams attached to satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.

4. Google Carnage - Use real-time satellite images to zoom in an see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.

5. Google Ogle - The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.

6. Googlebator - Google's first attempt at hardware; to be used in conjunction with Google Ogle

7. Google Alibi - Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.

8. Google Telegraph - Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash

9. Google Gaggle - The only search engine for geese.

10. Google Invading Force - Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google's new troop management tool.

11. Gogoel - Search tool for dyslexics.

Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 9:23 pm

Things To Do When Your ISP Is Down

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past two years.

3. Shower.

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

7. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

8. You mean there's something else to do?

Laughing

Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 10:07 pm

a man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 10:21 pm

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said Goats." Wink

Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day	View next topic View previous topic