My first slap in two years!

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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:55 pm

So, I've delivered my first slap in about 2 years and by God was it satisfying, I actually forgot how good I was at it! My Barrister hasnt written to me in 5 days in regards to our business deal (a whopping $280m), but I at least got a quick reply after pressing his buttons a little...

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Dear ,

Thanks for your detailed response.I thank the almighty father for this opportunity to ventilate your mind.May the almighty God give you the fortitude to achieve your heart desires.I still believe that you are a great man of wisdom and that is why her Excellency chose you for this assignment.My only fear is delay,delay is not good at all at this stage of the transaction.Please kindly get back to me with the filled documents so that we can complete the paper work without delays.

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Dear Barr Kayamo,
Good day to you. Well, I must say, I dont know if there is a world record for replying to an email, but if there is, then I doubt very much that Norris McWhirter of the hit TV show "Record Breakers" will be paying you a visit anytime soon. Mr Kayamo, there are $240m at stake, I need this deal to be your top priority and waiting 5 days for a reply from you is not satisfactory at all. Should such a lack of urgency continue on your part, I will have no choice but to contact Ms Yar'Adua and ask her to find another, more reliable barrister to deal with the case.

Now, I am out at the moment, but we have a show at the local church hall tonight where I will send you the documents you require, but Barr Kayamo, I warn you, any more stalling tactics from you and I will not hesitate to remove your involvement from this deal. Ms Yar'Adua is still mourning the death of her late husband, Im sure she does not want to be bothered by me having to tell her that the Barrister she has employed is a timewasting charlatan. To prove that you are serious, Barr Kayamo, I want you to email me confirming EXACTLY what I have to send you before I will even think about replying. I want this email to be in my inbox as soon as possible, no messing around.

If you will excuse me, Mr Kayamo, I must go now. We have an exciting show lined up for this evening and the build up to WrestlingMania is well underway. Housefire Harry Nugent is fast becoming a fans favourite and I've decided to have him win our Heavyweight Championship in the Barnyard Brawl with Amos Tupper in the main event at WrestlingMania. I've booked them in to appear at tonights show, but Tupper is having some serious problems with his Valium addiction and at the moment can hardly even speak let alone wrestle, and the Mexico Men are complaining that I havent been paying them. They'd better stop whining or I'll be reporting them to immigration and have them shipped straight back to the diarreah trail in Mexico where they came from.
Regards

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Dear Frederick Thwistle,

In Reference to your recent email of this morning.If you were so serious about this deal,you would have find a means to sign and send back the MOU because without a binding agreement between both parties there is no way we can start up the transaction properly.Be wraned that the court will not be waiting for you.Send back the court form along with the MOU i emailed you previously.

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Dear Barr Keyamo,
Great Scot! Listen here you cheeky swine, if it werent for the fact that you have still not explained to me what the Capital Flights Enforcement Policy is, we would have already have the money in our accounts. I have asked you on two previous occasions and to date you have still not explained it to me. How am I expected to do business with a Barrister who cannot even explain simple law terms with me and takes almost a week at a time to reply to my emails. Honestly, did you steal your license to practice law?

Now look, theres no point us bickering when it is very obvious that all the blame here lies with one party. We can sort out our personal differences once the deal is complete, but in the meantime I would ask you to stop being childish and throwing around ridiculous accusations about my commitment to this deal. If I wasnt commited, I wouldnt be spending time here atempting to deal with a man who clearly is more arse over tit than mind over matter when it comes to dealing with business transactions.

I shall send you the MOU and my passport this evening when I get the chance to scan them. In the meantime I suggest you take a few minutes to think about how important this money is to everyone involved, and take note of your unproffesional behaviour so far in this deal.

Regards,

Lets hope he bites! Laughing

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