Albert wins the lottery

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Posted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:24 am

Mr Umbongo writes back to the lawyer:

DEAR VALUED CLIENT,

Please call +<snipped> lets discuss this.

It is a different number to the two supplied btw

Posted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:38 am

I send this back. Hopefully enough to be believeable:

Dear Austen,

I am going to be honest with you here.

I have written to you from a yahoo account (and not a work account), because I want, no need, plausible deniability. If this deal goes south, I want to be able to say I have no idea what you're talking about when they ask about this account. That's why I think (in the short term at least), we should stick to emails.

In Australia we do not have disposable cell phones like they do in America, or indeed Abuja. If I call you, the call can be traced, and I only have the company blackberry or company phones to ring from. If I type to you I can at least pretend I am working on company business as I type from my laptop.

Agreed we should talk, but let's stick to email for now. And what did you say to Albert by the way, he is showing an interest in me I have never seen before...

After all, I AM trying to "commit fraud" against myself... Rolling Eyes

Posted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 2:53 pm

It seems the ditz is in:

DEAR VALUED CLIENT,

Ok lets do this but you will give me 40%

Agreed?

Up next, Albert's Incontinence.

Posted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:09 am

But not so fast, the ditz thinks you're getting greedy:

Austen,

You are JOKING right??? If I get caught, I will go to jail and you know it. I will lose my license to practise law and let's face it I am taking big risks trying to bilk Albert of his cash. You just sit there and lead him on telling him everything is good and things are going smoothly. If this goes south, all that will happen to you is that you MIGHT have to change internet cafes. I on the other hand will be sharing a prison cell will big butch diesel dyke, too scared to drop the soap

I get 75% you get 25%

Get back to me,

Kathrin

It's haggling time
Wink

Posted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:27 am

Now we all know that lads rarely work weekends, but I wanted to have a few giggles. So taking on board a suggestion from Gomerpyle I decide to write about incontinence. That said it's more like "It's incontinence Jim, but not as we know it"! I send him this, with the heading "What's going on there in Umbongoland"? The misspelling of country is deliberate:

Dear Mr Umbongo,

What is going on over there? Why are you not talking to me? Is it because you have incontinence Issues??? Just because I am in Australia and you are in Umbongoland doesn't mean I can't get my Money!
They may be two different continences, but we're talking via this electronic post box thingy so incontinence shouldn't be an issue! Is Umbongoland an actual continence by the way? Or is Umbongoland just a little cuntry somewhere? Some tinpot dictatorship like Pol Pot or like Adolf Hitler is nowdays (did you fight the nazi hun? I did!). In fact, Mr Umbongo why don't you tell me about Umbongoland sometime? After I get my winnings we can have a beer together, while I get me an asian hottie (I may be 92, but I'm not dead yet! Ask me again in a few hours)...

I will speak to Ms Baier to see if I can get her to talk to you, things must be pretty bad in your incontinence if you can't be bothered to do your damn job.

Albert

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 2:31 pm

This thread has my attention. Crooked lawyers haggling over percentages and victims with digestive problems. I sure hope this lotto lad has the good sense to make a deal. Very Happy

Posted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:50 am

He did indeed have the sense to do a deal:

DEAR VALUED CLIENT,

Ok lets do this

Agreed?

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:30 pm

Sweet.

Posted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:31 am

kathrin agrees:

Agreed,

Now get onto Albert Fish and tell him the crap he needs to hear. Just stick to your script and I'll work at getting him to be compliant! Time is off the essence, this guy is not gonna be here forever, hell I'm amazed he's here now!

Am thinking maybe a piggy... Wink

419Eater is my life Joined: 10 Jul 2008 Posts: 366

^^^ Nothing like a lawyer with a warm compassionate heart. Evil or Very Mad

p.

Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:19 am

So Mr Umbongo resends the form we filled in awhile back. Unsurprisingly Albert's not amused:

Dear Mr Umbongo,

Don't you HAVE my copy of this form??? I sent it ages ago. I may be 92 (are you 92? I am), but am not totally senile yet! What's this warm feeling dripping down my pants...

I await my cheque Mr Umbongo, WITH interest since you've been holding onto the damn thing for so long!

Albert

It's good to be 92 sometimes Wink

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 1:10 am

I get this back:

GIVE KATRINA THE $5000 TO SEND

Apart from the WHA??? factor, I think it's time for Albert to get crotchety again

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 1:24 am

I send this back to our Boi and my "Lawyer":

Dear Mr Umbongo,

I do not know what is going on over there in your incontinence but here In Australia we have checks and balances, and we DO NOT send money to complete strangers.

Who IS this Katrina you are talking about, and why do you want me to send her money??? Are you f*cking her? Is she f*ckable? Will she f*ck me?

I'm gonna have to get back to the lawyer about this, because you are now clearly going insane! You have been holding onto my winnings for weeks now and seem to be unwilling to make any attempt to do your goddamn job. I think maybe I might have to find a proper lawyer, and sue your sorry ass into the next millenium. Get it into your head Mr Umbongo, you are SUPPOSED to be helping me, not trying to get me to give money to complete strangers!

I think I will also write to the Lotteries commission and ask they stop using Umbongoland to distribute Australian lottery winnings. There has top be a better cuntry than Umbongoland to outsource lottery winnings surely. You guys are a complete pack of dropbears!

Albert

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 1:33 am

Oddly enough, "katrina" (Nee Kathrin) isn't happy either:

Austen,

Are you a complete IDIOT???

I get this from Albert just as I'm about to present your case to him to pay the cash you seek!

I said lead him on, make him think you are doing what you are supposed to be doing. For Fuck's sake, how can I do my job if you can't even get my NAME RIGHT??? Jesus Christ Austen, I am putting my entire career on the line here and you can't even get my fucking name right!

Go through your scripts again and put this man at ease. If not I will find a better Nigerian scammer to do business with. And remember, you're dealing a crotchety 92 year old man on the verge of dementia. Make him think you are doing your job properly and we'll be rich. If not, then we'll part ways here, while I still have plausible deniability.

Get your shit together Austen, $5000 is chicken feed compared to what's sitting under this pervert's mattress!!!

Let's see what happens next. Am thinking dolla chop. Anyone interested?

419Eater is my life Joined: 11 Dec 2009 Posts: 316

Quote:

Let's see what happens next. Am thinking dolla chop. Anyone interested?

Hi, I am one of the chuckling readers of Mr. Alberts adventure. Great!
Because of lack of free time I can not jump in. Would love to.
Hope, he finally gets the lotto-winnings from Umbongoland.
Good luck to (are you 92? I am) !