Albert wins the lottery

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Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 1:02 am

A friend of mine is the President of the Life Models society here in Melbourne. He gets an email telling the society they've won the AUSTRALIAN lotery. But of course they have to pick it up via NIGERIA (surprise surprise). Knowing I have an involvement here, he sends me the mail. I decide it's time for 92 year old Albert to pick up his winnings:

AUSTRALIAN LOTTO LOTTERY INC
ELECTRONIC MAIL WINNING NOTIFICATION
AWARD PRESENTATION AWARD CENTER AUSTRALIA
www.lottery.com.au

Ref: 475061725
Batch: 7056490902/188
Winning no: GB8701/LPRC

Dear Lucky Winner,

Thank you for participating in the 2010 Australian lottery program.

The 2010 Australian lottery program selection has been performed at our
African Corporate headquarters here in Nigeria. The Australian lottery
program is registered and organized in accordance with the British
Gaming Board (B.G.B.) and the World Lottery Regulation Act (W.L.R.A.).

We are therefore pleased to officially notify you of the status of your
Winning. An official notification of winning is hereby issued to you as
your email ticket number; LV-09-0-96-09, and Ref: 475061725 in batch
7056490902/188 randomly drew for the lucky winning numbers GB8701/LPRC
which selected your email address as a winner of our Yearly lottery
program. You have therefore consequently won the Australian Lottery,
2010 lottery promo in its first batch.

As regards the above, we have officially approved a sum payout of
$500,000.00 (Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars) only to you as
our lottery winner.

This amount is from the total prize cash of $2,500,000.00 randomly
distributed among our five (5) International winners selected by our
Lottery Random System Selection (L.R.S.S.).

The Australian 2010 lottery program's Organizing Committee (A.L.O.C.)
will immediately commence the immediate dispatch of your $500,000.00 as
soon as you have contacted them. You are therefore advised to contact
the Australian lottery program's Organizing Committee (A.L.O.C.)
immediately as stated below;

================================================================
Contact Person: JOHN PETERSON
Dispatch Officer in Charge
Australian 2010 lottery program's Organizing Committee (L.O.C.) in
Africa (Nigeria)
Email: <snipped>
Phone: <also snipped)

================================================================

Please provide them with the under listed informations below as soon as
possible; Done below

Hearty congratulations from my humble self and all members of the 2010
Australian lottery program's Organizing Committee (A.L.O.C.)

Your's Sincerely,
Carol Smith
Coordinator

2010 Australian lottery program's Organizing Committee (A.L.O.C.) For
and on behalf of Australian Lottery.

© Australian Lottery 2010

To which Albert responds:

I won? I really won??? Fan fugging tastic! To be honest I don't
actually remember putting in a ticket, but at 92 your memory isn't what
it used to be. (By the way, are you 92? I am). Here's the bit you
asked for...

Please provide them with the under listed informations below as soon as
possible;

1. Names in Full: Albert Fish

2. Delivery Address (P.o.box not accepted): c/o The Dame Edna Everage
Memorial Retirement Village

3. Nationality: American Born Australian Citizen

4) Present Location: In room 213

5. Occupation: Retired Boxer (I was known back in the day as "The
werewolf of Wysteria"! Do you box? I did)

6. Phone Number(s): They don't let me use the phone here at the
Retirement Centre

7) Age: 92 (are you 92? I am)

Cool

Sex: Not since 1978

what happens next?

Albert

More to come soon

Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 1:08 am

God bless Fastmail. I get a reply and when I open it there's a HUGE warning about possible phishing attempts (which I'll leave in. If it blows out the page, I'll remove it again). I had to remove it when I replied to the "reverend":

Dear Winner Albert Fish,

I have received your information and wish to let you know that i have
forwarded them to the bank that will transfer your winning to you for
immediate action.All you need now is to contact the bank immediately
through the below contact:

The Director
International Remittance Department
Union Bank Nigeria Plc
Contact Person: Mr Austin Obigwe
Email: FastMail.FM WARNING: URL text and host don't match, possible phishing attempt. URL disabled. Original URL=<snipped> Original text='[email protected]'. For more information on phishing click here. or FastMail.FM WARNING: URL text and host don't match, possible phishing attempt. URL disabled. Original URL=<snipped>'. Original text='<snipped>'. For more information on phishing click here.

Phone: <snipped>

While contacting him,let him know that you are one of the lottery
winners directed by Rev J0hn Peterson

The bank has 2 modes in which they make international remittance of funds.

1)Through bank-bank where the fund will be wired to your account using
telegraphic mode.

2)Through ATM where the fund will be loaded into an ATM card and be
sent to you so you can make withdrawals from there.

Contact the bank immediately and let them know the mode you wish to
receive the fund.

Please note that the Lottery Board has insured this fund before
depositing it to this paying bank.This means that no one can tamper or
make any deductions from your lottery fund.You shall receive the funds
as it was informed to you.

Also ensure to keep your winning detail confidential.Do not disclose
this to anyone to avoid double claiming which might result to
disqualification.Keep this to yourself and follow the bank
instructions until the fund hits your account.

Hard copies of your winning documents will be sent to you through a
registered mail as soon as you receive the fund.

Meanwhile keep on updating me as you proceed with the bank.

Congratulations and God bless you

You may call me on <snipped>

Rev J0hn Peterson
Your Lottery Agent

edited for typos Embarassed

Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 1:09 am

To which Albert responds:

Dear Mr Umbongo,

My name is Albert Fish and I am the 92 year old winner of the Australian Lottery (Are you 92? I am). A reverend told me to write to you to collect my winnings, which will allow me to leave the retirement home and by me a hottie from the Phillipines.

So tell me your bank account details so I can get the money thanks. After all, what the hell would I do with an ATM card? I live in a retirement home, and have no need to ride the trains.

Albert

PS: Am looking forward to my Filipino Hottie. Now that I am rich, would you like one too?

Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 1:12 am

So, they send me a form (which I won't bother to type out since my answer is pretty much the form itself. But it's great Proof they didn't bother to read what I sent back:

Dear Mr Umbongo,

Here are the details you asked for. I look forward to getting my money

Albert

APPLICANTS FIRST NAME: Albert

MIDDLE NAME:

SURNAME: Fish

OCCUPATION: Boxer (retired)

AGE: 92 (are you 92? I am)

MARITAL STATUS: Widowed

DATE OF BIRTH: January 13th, 1918

NATIONALITY: American born Australian Citizen

PRESENT ADDRESS: c/o The Dame Edna Everage Retirement Village. 67 Henry Moss Court LAURA SA 5480

TELEPHONE: They don't let me use the phone, not since that young woman complained about me moaning.

BENEFICIARY BANK DETAILS

BANK NAME:

BANK ADDRESS:

ACCOUNT NAME:

ACCOUNT NUMBER:

SWIFT CODE:

ROUTING NUMBER (IF ANY):

I don't trust the banks, they are the spawn of the devil! I keep my money under the mattress on my bed. I don't trust the nurses either (except for the one with the big boobs), so I count my money every day.

You can just send the money as a cheque to my retirement village. I have scanned my passport as requested

Albert

I sent them a JPG of a passport cover

Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 1:13 am

YOU GO GIRL! clapping

Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 1:17 am

But the passport cover was good enough I received TWO copies of this email today:

DEAR VALUED CLIENT,

FINAL CHECK RELEASE REQUIREMENTS

This memo is to let you know that your filled form for the preparation of the check has been received and the check is out but cannot be released completely without been insured and also without getting the Legal papers to back up the claim.

To get this all done, you are required to provide the sum of $5000 which will be used to insure the check and also to get the Legal papers to avoid any legal hitch during the delivery process.

We wish to let you know that the legal bonding and security on the funds does not permit us for deduction and that was why we could not deduct this amount from the funds.

In other to provide this fee to us, you are required to send it through western union or money gram.

We shall give you the information to send the money on receipt of your response.

Please read this instruction carefully and act accordingly.

WE ARE POISED TO SERVE YOU BETTER, AWAITING YOUR URGENT RESPONSE!

Thank-you.

REGARDS,
AUSTEN Umbongo(MR)
FINANCIAL CONTROL DEPT,
LOTTO CASH REMITTANCE DEPT.

Tracking Number:44363473648383-657

it's a pity that Albert isn't allowed to leave the retirement home. I wonder if I can try for a bank account, since I couldn't be bothered sending Albert's (completely fictional) bank details

Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 2:37 am

Albert can't leave the retirement village:

Dear Mr Umbongo,

Since I'm not allowed to leave the retirement village, why not just take the fees out of my winnings?

I await my cheque

Albert

Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 11:28 am

Albert gets this back. seems it's a legal matter:

DEAR VALUED CLIENT,

FINAL CHECK RELEASE REQUIREMENTS

Please be informed that the security and legal bond on the fund does not permit us from deducting the fee from the fund.

Kindly look for one of the nurses and tell him/her to assist you in sending the money through western union. Tell him not to disclose it to anyone.

We shall give you information to send the money on demand.

Please read this instruction carefully and act accordingly.

WE ARE POISED TO SERVE YOU BETTER, AWAITING YOUR URGENT RESPONSE!

Thank-you.

REGARDS,
AUSTEN Umbongo (MR)
FINANCIAL CONTROL DEPT,
LOTTO CASH REMITTANCE DEPT.

since Albert distrusts the banks so much, it might become a Legal(ese) matter

Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 11:46 am

Albert is NOT happy. They'll probably drop me for this, but it'll be worth it. Bolding is mine:

Dear Mr Umbongo

This is EXACTLY why I told you that I don't trust banks (are THEY 92? I am and I don't think they are)! The Banks are a lying pack of seedy c***s (are you a seedy c**t? I am), who will skin every last cent off you if they have the chance.

I have decided I will talk to the Retirement Centre's Lawyer before I pursue this any further as I am CERTAIN that in the Australian Lottery Code Reform Laws of 1996 (section three, subsection two, paragraph six), Something I made up on the spot you CAN simply withdraw your fees from the winnings and that it happens all the time.

If you cannot, then I would need the exact law shown to me in writing so I can give the email to the Centre's lawyers to appeal.

Those f****ng bastards in the banks are NOT getting my money (Do YOU keep your money under a mattress??? I do!)

Albert

Posted: Sun May 23, 2010 3:35 am

You know the scary thing? I can just imagine hearing Albert. You type like an screwy old fart talks! Very Happy

And I mean that with all due respect

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Posts: 1301

It can sometimes help when the lad asks for assistance from a friend of the victim - in your case your care assistant. It opens up lots of opportunities to introduce confusion, chops etc. and it is all the lads fault because he told you to do it.

Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 7:42 am

Breech Birth wrote:

You type like an screwy old fart talks! Very Happy

And I mean that with all due respect

I think I need a new laptop monitor now, this one has coffee all over it from me laughing so hard! Thank you, you've made my day Smile

Chrys

Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:17 am

So, Mr Umbongo sends his reply. Touchy I think is the word:

Attention: Albert Fish,

Please be informed that we are following the necessary bank process. If you want us to send out the check without the normal insurance and legal back ups, we can do that and you bear the consequences yourself.

We are trying to make things easy for you and also obey the necessary rules and legal processes.

Email me back and let me have your second thought.

Thanks

Austen umbongo

Naturally, Albert gives him his "Second thought" (and a few others for good measure. Please note: LANGUAGE WARNING!):

Mr Umbongo,

I don't know how you do things over there in Umbongoland, but here in Australia we do things differently. None of your namby pamby rules and regs, we're REAL men here in Australia, that's why I emigrated here.

Of course I want my money sent to me, as I said simply deduct any fees from my winnings. I told you before I don't trust banks, they're a pack of c*nts, ANY true blue Australian will tell you that (Are you true blue? It's a sh*t song!). I looked into it, and in fact according to the Lotteries, Competitions and Dropbear Reform act of 1982, you're SUPPOSED to deduct any fees from my winnings, failure to do so can result in Criminal Prosecution from the Government, so I'm gonna have to gets get me one of them fancy Lawyering types to help me get through this.

So let me give you my first second and third thought... Gimme me my goddamn f**king money!!!

I'll have you know I thought and died in three world wars for the likes of you young whippersnappers! I attend the ANZAC day parades without fail since 1962 (except for 1969, where I was in jail for possession of a class A substance, damn hippies), and have been a member of the RSL since 1984 (they make a GREAT Parma there, and the woman behind the counter had GREAT tits! God I wanted to have sex with her, even if she was just a young'un! Do you have tits? I do)!

I look forward to your reply Mr Umbongo, have a nice day.

Albert

Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 9:11 am

^^^ I just sprayed tea all over my monitor!

Laughing

Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 9:50 am

internationalchrysis this Albert Fish character suits you! Razz

even more hilarious than earlier c female characters. Wink

Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 4:50 am

And the best part is, with a bit of practice, I could feasibly ring them Smile

Posted: Wed Jun 02, 2010 12:25 am

I FINALLY get something back from Mr Umbongo... Oddly enough he's NOT a happy chappy:

Attention; Albert,

After reading your last email, i came to discover that you were really joking over this issue.

We follow legal protocols and we have some policies.

I am giving you 7 bank working days or we shall cancel the check and send the money to treasury.

Thanks

Austen umbongo

Unfortunately, it's not wise to try rattle an ex soldier's cage:

Dear Mr Umbongo,

How DARE you accuse me of joking with you, you young whippersnapper! At
my age I cannot afford to joke with anyone, particularly about matters
financial. It just like a youngster like you to accuse us elderly
people of this, because young people today just don't understand what we
ex soldiers went through during world war II (Did YOU fight during
WW2??? I did!), for the things you people take for granted. I also
served in Korea AND Vietnam, and emigrated to Australia during this
time. I take matters like these VERY seriously and for young Mr Umbongo
to accuse me of being a joker really wants to make me hit you. It's a
good thing then that you are in another country!

I have decided to refer this matter to the South Australian Ombudsman,
since you CLEARLY just want to rob me of my winnings. It is typical of
youngbloods like yourself to take advantage of elderly gentlemen such as
myself (Are YOU 92? I am!), and I think it's time we elderly people
fought back.

I KNEW as soon as you mentioned a bank that I was in trouble, because
banks are scum who have tried to rip me off in the past, which is why I
keep my money under my mattress! Expect to hear from the Retirement
Centre's lawyer Boyo!

Albert

Let's see if he responds. I suspect there's only a few days left of this bait Crying or Very sad

Posted: Wed Jun 02, 2010 1:10 am

So, the Retirement Centre's Attorneys get involved... But uh oh, it seems not everything is Hunky dory at Feldman and Haim LLB. Attorney sends him this. Bolding is mine:

Dear (I used his proper name, as opposed to Albert's "Mr Umbongo")

My name is and I am the in house attorney for the Dame Edna Everage Memorial Retirement Centre based in Laura South Australia. I am also a serving Attorney for the Law Firm Feldman and Haim LLB, based in Crystal Lake, South Australia where I have been a practising Attorney since 1978.

For some days now, I have been receiving complaints from one of the Retirement Centre's residents, one Albert Fish, who apparently has been dealing with you over a lottery win. Albert claims you are withholding his winnings from him and has been requesting (read nagging) me to investigate this matter.

As a lawyer for the Retirement Centre itself I wouldn't Normally deal with the Centre's clients, but after much cajoling from Mr Fish, I have decided to look into this matter further. Upon reading the various emails exchanged between Mr Fish I have realised that you are in fact dealing in Advance fee fraud! Your script is Excellent Mr Obigwe and would fool most ordinary people, but I am a trained Lawyer and can see the minor holes in your script. (Hopefully allowing me a chance for some de-education if he asks about it)

But Austen (may I call you Austen btw?), do not fear, your secret is safe with me! And why? Because Albert Fish is one of the most annoying, antagonistic, misogynist jerks it has been my displeasure to have ever dealt with. Plus it is CLEAR that this man is loaded! While I not certain exactly how much man this crazy old man has stored under his bed, the fact that the bundles are wrapped in bunches of $100 bills tells me that we may be dealing with tens or even hundreds of thousands of Australian Dollars. I overplayed this last time, hopefully this time, it is enough to pique his interest, but not make him sceptical.)

So here's the deal. I will help you get the money you seek (and much more besides). I will get 70% of the cash and you will get the rest, a LOT more than the piddling amount you're trying to get from Albert currently. I will then be able to leave this miserable, and indeed lonely existence dealing with doddering old fools three time my age (and half my mental age).

Just tag this fool along for now and I will help you get what we both deserve, a small fortune in $100 bills.

Sound good? Get back to me

Fake Lawyer

I'm thinking of attempting to change this into a romance bait. what a pity Albert will have designs on Ms Baier as well. Hopefully, hilarity will ensue Wink

Posted: Wed Jun 02, 2010 3:38 am

Heh I love it. Good luck getting a positive reply. And the (Are you 92? I am!) always gets me Laughing

Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:40 am

Intriguingly, while Kathrin gets nothing back, Albert gets this. I've had an incredibly shitty day in RL, and this did brighten up my spirits:

I told you that you were joking but you denied it and now the joke is getting more serious and interesting.

Now someone contacted me claiming to be Kathrin Baier an in house attorney for the Dame Edna Everage Memorial Retirement Centre based in Laura South Australia but her profile shows a picture of a prostitute.

Please we have reported your case to your agent Mr John Peterson for urgent attention and we advise that you stop any further communication with us until you are cleared by your agent.

Funnily enough, the picture I use of International chrysis is from the film Q&A, in which she played a prostitute. Nicely spotted. Wink

Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:01 am

Albert confirms the Prosti -er- Lawyer, is who she syas she is:

Dear Mr Umbongo,

There's no need to forward this to your mate John, I did indeed contact Ms Baier. You have been winding me up now for several weeks, I am inclined to think you may not be for real the way you prattle on inanely...

She IS the inhouse attorney for the Dame Edna Everage Retirement Centre (Where I live. Do YOU live in the Dame Edna Everage Retirement Centre? I do, it's in Laura South Australia).

She sent you a pic? She's a bit of spunk you know. If I was 20 years younger (and could actually get it up), I'd f*ck her! But you know that already, you seen her picture. And a prostitute you say? Wow just the thought of that is pretty damn hot. Can you send it to me? Maybe I'll get an erection for the first time since 1986.

She will make sure you do this by the book and still get me my money. I look forward to FINALLY getting my winnings, I am not getting younger Mr Umbongo (are you 92? I am). I'm certain for reasons I do not quite understand you do not really want to actually GIVE me my winnings.

Please get a wriggle on Mr Umbongo. Pull your finger out of your arse and get me my money.

Albert

Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:18 am

Getting a rise out of Lotto Lads isn't easy and you're doing a great job, only be cautious about pushing arguments too far that a victim might use.

Lads will frequently be told that they must deduct fees, and they'll know that's a deal breaker, so if you make the problems the sort of thing that apply to your character - incontinence problems maybe - that you can draw them in to discussing with you, that sort of thing provides great laughs. I only mention that as an option because I sense you're a fellow member of the wacky baiting club. Very Happy

Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:32 am

GomerPyle wrote:

I only mention that as an option because I sense you're a fellow member of the wacky baiting club. Very Happy

Professor Pat Pending at your service! Oh wait, that's the wacky RACES, isn't it???

But I like the incontinence idea a LOT, which gave me another idea as well Wink

419Eater is my life Joined: 10 Jul 2008 Posts: 366

Best imitation of a crusty old fart I have seen in a long while.
The possibilities are endless, amazing what a little dementia will do to time and space.

Coffee is ready, after this thread I don't need it.

Well done Evil or Very Mad

p.

Trophy Videos · Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:38 pm

That's some funny stuff there, IC, you young whippersnapper. Very Happy