Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 6:37 pm

http://www.youtube.com/user/AtJap13#p/u/0/QmYiXe9sW4A

A Weeaboo (Wapanese, Wannabe Japanese) in denial and she's claiming that she has a "CD" which is bullshit because her Wikipedia page got deleted because she wrote it as a form of self-promotion. To me she doesn't even come close to looking like a half Japanese person and not to mention that her Japanese is extremely bad that I can stop laughing. She looks like she could be half-Hispanic but having met half Japanese (Asian people) before I guarantee that she's lying. Not to mention that she speaks so slowly and claims to be asexual when she's fan-girling over a J-rock singer. *Face palm* What an idiot!

Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:23 pm

This guy is a right knob. What a dickhead! He certainly cocked up by doing that!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/8570398.stm

This happened in my hometown, i was shocked to read it.

Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 5:32 am

____________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ____________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget things.
ATTORNEY: You forget things? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "Isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 7:15 am

Slightly (is) NSFW Laughing

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/north_east/8570398.stm

Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:09 pm

419weasel wrote:

Slightly (is) NSFW Laughing

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/north_east/8570398.stm

I post that earlier! Very funny story.

What a knob that guy is! Razz

Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:26 pm

Vampiremerchant wrote:

The Darwin Awards 2009 Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting-machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his carduring a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a womanhad taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean busdriver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on thecounter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you andgives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquorstore window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him inthe car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which hereplied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the pursefrom."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friendsand family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember....They walk among us!!! They reproduce!!!***

Afraid to say, they are neither Darwin Awards, nor from last year.

1. True case, but first appeared a good many years ago.

2. Urban legend. Not only that, but no-one died or lost the ability to reproduce in the incident as described. This one's from the 1980s and before, and in Irish jokes before then.

3. Who's the one who got the Darwin Award? The woman, for being killed, or the man, for being stupid?

4. Urban legend.

5. Possible...

6. Urban legend.

7. Dumb criminal tale, not a Darwin.

8. Dumb criminal tale, not a Darwin.

9. Dumb criminal tale, not a Darwin.

10. Urban legend - a CLASSIC Urban Legend.

Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 4:48 am

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 12:30 pm

E-mail error ends up on road sign

The English is clear enough to lorry drivers - but the Welsh reads "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

BBC

Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:39 pm

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 1:11 pm

The U.K.Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years.

It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new free care plan today.

If you are 65 years or older, you can apply.

All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.

You should shoot one MP (two if you live in England),
one MSP, one local councillor
and......just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the
world could do without..

As part of the plan, you must leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course sent to prison.

In Prison.....
you will get a safe central heated environment.
three meals a day.
lots of company.
free TV and an assortment of games.
plus ........
[most importantly].......... all the health care you need!

New teeth needed? No problem.

New glasses? They'll be provided.

New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart?* They're all covered too.

And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care.

And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax on your pension, bank interest etc.
anymore !

Britain. A GREAT country or what?

By the way the EU have given prisoners the vote,
so you can vote back in this wonderful government !!!!!

Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:15 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSJw-mB44rc&feature=channel
Know your meme: Phonetic Translations

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 10:14 am

Article on scambaiting.

http://money.cnn.com/2010/03/26/technology/e-mail_scam_scambait/index.htm?section=money_latest&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+rss%2Fmoney_latest+%28Latest+News%29

Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:43 am

Before lecturing her class on heaven and hell, a Sunday school teacher asked the students, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things"?

"Sure," a little boy answered. "The back of Sally's garage."

Posted: Thu Apr 08, 2010 10:58 am

What Is Generation Y?

Hmm, I've always wondered this myself... now I know.

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..

- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people have been born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

I never did know, but recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below................

Posted: Thu Apr 08, 2010 6:51 pm

A college professor was addressing a large group of students in the early morning and noticed that most if not all were practically sleeping through his lecture. He decided a pep talk might get them going. He also decided that many might need a bit of information on how to get going in the morning.

"When I get up in the morning, I turn on all the lights." he announced. "Light is known to wake the mind, and proven to produce better brain fuctions." Scanning the crowd, he saw that his change of subject had, indeed caused a few eyes to open.

"I then take a steaming hot shower." he went on, warming to his new lecture, "The water causes the skin to become more alive and helps me get ready for the day." Now he realized he had more of their attention and decided to finish up and move back to the lecture.

"Just before i get out, I turn the water to a cold spray," he said, "and then I feel rosey all over." Firm in his beleif that he had done them a service, he turned back to his lecturn as a voice from the back said lazily:

"Tell us more about Rosey..."

Posted: Thu Apr 08, 2010 7:01 pm

SOUTHERN CHARM

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious."

Laughing

Posted: Sun Apr 11, 2010 6:37 pm

X is not Y:

The Ocra Whale is not a whale, it's a dolphin.
The Mountain goat is an antelope
The red panda is a small aborial mammal

The tomato....we'll come back to that one.

The horned toad is a lizard.

The meercat is really a mongoose.

The mongoose is nothing like a goose and is really more closely related to cats.

The peanut is not a nut, it's a legume.

The Koala bear is a marsupials.

Pencil lead is graphite.

The jackrabbit is a hare.

Prairie dogs are ground squirrels.

The funny bone is not a bone it's the spot on the nerve that touches the humerus.

Fire flies are beetles.

Shooting stars are meteorites.

Banana trees are herbs.

Douglas furs are pine trees.

and the tomato, fruit!

Posted: Mon Apr 12, 2010 1:37 pm

^ Well isn't that precious!

Very Happy

Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 12:00 pm

100 MILE AN HOUR GOAT

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first
hunter says â€œWow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I
wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give
me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two
and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them..
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in
the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my
goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a
minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about
a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him
chained to a transmission!"

Laughing

Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:02 am

Worlds easiest quiz, Answers below............

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

1) 116 years
2) Ecuador
3) Sheep and Horses
4) November
5) Squirrel Fur
6) Dogs
7) Albert
8. Crimson
9) New Zealand
10) Orange

Give your self a Gold Star if you got all 10.

Posted: Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:48 pm

Posted: Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:28 pm

^^^

During a recent computer network audit, a company found that one of its employees was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why he had such a long password, the employee said he was told his password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. Laughing

Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:49 pm

"Old European women who travel to Gambia to fuck male prostitutes - bra eller anus?" Laughing

Bra means "good" in Swedish and Norwegian.

Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 9:48 pm

Female Poem

I want a man who's handsome, smart, and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair, opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, for a man who makes love to my mind
And knows how to answer 'how big is my behind?'
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always to be my best friend.

Male Poem

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and bass boat.
I know this don't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Laughing

Posted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 9:33 am

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