The Joe Bloggs Caper

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Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:38 am

There's a poor orphan in Ghana, exiled from his home in Sudan, with just $30 million between him and starvation, and he's relying on Captain Mal to save him.

So far Mal has argued at length with one "delivery agent" who was supposed to be in Melbourne, and got him replaced. But all didn't go well.

(Lad is in CAPITALS throughout; emphasis added likwise)

Quote:

]THANKS VERY MUCH FOR CONTACTING ME I JUST ARIVE MELBOURNE, BUT PLEASE, BEFORE I CAN MOVE TO ALICE SPRING YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOXES HAVE TO BE REALSE FROM THE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT CUSTOM CLEARANCE DEPARTMENT SO THAT I CAN MOVE DIRECTLY TO MEET WITH YOU IN ALICE SPRING TO DELIVER YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOXES TO YOU.
SO PLEASE, AM WAITING TO HERE FROM YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO THAT YOUR BOXES CAN BE EALSE FOR ME THE AIRPORT AUTHORITIES SAID TO CLEAR ONE OF YOUR BOX IS $210 US DOLLARS WHY THE CLEAR THE 4 BOXES WILL COST YOU $840 US DOLLARS SO THAT I CAN MOVE TO ALICE SPRING TO MEET WITH YOU.[/i]

Quote:

Considering the total dog's breakfast your colleague made of this, I'm calling the shots here. I spent a couple of thousand dollars on transport and accommodation to no result, and it's not even my job! You'll come to Alice Springs for payment and then arrange the release of the boxes; are we clear on this?

Quote:

PLEASE, SIR I WANT YOU TO REASON WITH ME, I CAN NOT COME TO ALICE SPRING WHEN YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOXES AS NOT BEEN REALSE FROM THE MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT SO PLEASE, YOUR CONSIGNMENT NEED TO BE CLEARED FROM THE CUSTOM AGENCY WHICH IS JUST $840 US DOLLARS BEFORE I CAN MOVE TO ALICE TO MEET WITH YOU.
THIS IS THE ONLY OPTION WE FOR ME TO BE IN ALICE PLEASE, IS VERY IMPORTANT.

Quote:

That is exactly the kind of bullshit that M0rris0n tried on me. Hell's teeth - you are not the boxes! Did they wire you to explode if you moved away from them or something?
Send me an invoice for the fee and something from Tullamarine customs that the boxes are there. Why I should be obeying you, and not the other way around, is confusing me.

This came as no surprise:

Quote:

THANKS VERY MUCH FOR YOUR RESPOND, PLEASE, SIR THE INVOICE WILL BE SENT TO YOU FROM OUR HEAD QUARTERS TO THE AIRPORT AND ALSO YOUR COPY WILL BE SENT TO YOU WHEN THE FEE OF $840 US DOLLARS IS BEEN PAID.
AND I WILL LEAVE IMMEDIATELY TO ALICE SPRING TO MEET WITH YOU AND PRESENT EVERY DETAILS FROM TULLAMARINE CUSTOM WHEN THE FEE IS BEEN PAID BECAUSE IT WILL BE RELEASE TO ME FOR IDENTIFICATION TO PRESENT TO YOU SO PLEASE, AM WAITING TO HERE FROM YOU SO THAT I CAN GIVE YOU TO RECEIVER NAME AND ADDRESS OF MY COMPANY FINANCIAL SECRETARY.

Quote:

Don't be so stupid - the invoice comes before payment! That's the way it always is. Are you telling me that you don't know that?
And you didn't address the matter of confirmation from Tullamarine customs. That's a must.

Quote:

PLEASE, RESPECT MY PERSONALITY WHICH I WILL ALSO DO TO YOU, ATTACH IS MY COMPANY INTERNATIONAL INVOICE.
AND SECONDLY THE TULLAMARINE CUSTOM WILL PRESENT TO YOU A RECEIPT OF PAYMENT AS SOON AS THE FEE 0F $840 US DOLLARS IS BEEN PAID SO PLEASE, HERE IS THE RECEIVER NAME AND ADDRESS IN WHICH YOU WILL USE TO MAKE THE PAYMENT TO OUR COMPANY THROUGH OUR COMPANY SECRETARY NAME AND ADDRESS...

And he did attach an invoice.

Mal was less than impressed:

Quote:

Screw respect - you just dissed me bigtime with that joke of an invoice. The gorram thing is unreadable! Holy shit on a shingle - what the Sam Frick were you thinking?

The explanation didn't help:

Quote:

PLEASE, IS THE SCANNING FROM AFRICA THE SCANING IN AFRICA IS VERY BAD THAT IS WHY IS LIKE THAT I EVEN COMPLAIN ABOUT IT TO MY COMPANY BUT THEY SAY IS THE SCANING MACHINE BUT THAT WILL NOT DELAY THE PAY PLEASE, AM WAITING TO GET THE PAYMENT INFORMATION FROM YOU AND HERE IS THE NAME OF RECEIVER OF MY COMPANY SECRETARY TO RECIEVE THE PAYMENT...

Quote:

Don't bullshit me. That ain't a real invoice. I don't like it when people lie to me.

Quote:

I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN, THIS IS MY COMPANY INVOICE WHAT EALSE DID YOU WANT AGAIN.

Quote:

I want two things; (a) the truth, (b) an actual invoice.
Just out of interest - why didn't you write me yesterday? I'm sure that wherever you're staying doesn't shut down for Mondays!

The Lad seems to have decided to defend the invoice all the way.

Quote:

YES, IS THE TRUTH THAT INVOICE IS THE ACTUAL INVOICE OF MY COMPANY I DONT KNOW WHY YOU DONT WANT TO BELEIVE ME AS SOON AS I MEET WITH YOU TO DELIVER YOUR CONSIGNMENT TO YOU I WILL EXPLAIN MORE TO AFTER THE DELIVERY SO PLEASE, TO AVOID DELAY OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT GO AND MAKE THE PAYMENT SO THAT YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOXES CAN BE REALSE FROM THE CUSTOM AGENCY SO THAT I CAN MEET WITH YOU AND HAND OVER YOUR CONSIGNMENT TO YOU.
AND SECONDLY WHY I DID NOT WRITE YOU YESTERDAY I WAS IN A MEETING WITH THE UNITED NATION OFFICIALS FOR SAFE DELIVERY THAT IS WHY YOU DID NOT HERE FROM YOU YESTERDAY I APOLOGISE FOR GETING BACK TO YOU LATE BUT PLEASE, THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE GO AND MAKE THE PAYMENT SO THAT I CAN MEET WITH YOU URGENTLY AND DELIVER YOUR CONSIGNMENT TO YOU AT ALICE SPRING.HERE IS THE RECEIVER NAME AND ADDRESS AGAIN...

Mal was scathing:

Quote:

If that piece of garbage is a real invoice then Paris Hilton is still a virgin! Holy snapping duckshit - I can see JOE BLOGGS LTD on it. Why are you STILL lying to me about this?

Quote:

AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH THAT IS OUR INTERNATIONAL INVOICE WHICH WE ARE USING WORLD WIDE WHY WILL I LIE WITH OUR INVOICE AM I STUPID OR YOU THINK I DONT KNOW WHAT AM DOING AS A SENIOR DIPLOMAT PLEASE, YOU ARE DELAYING THIS DELIVERY OF YOURS.

Quote:

Which sad, unlucky country do you serve?

Quote:

PLEASE, YOU ARE DELAYING THIS DELIVERY WE HAVE CLEINT ALL OVER THE WORLD IN AMERICA, IN ASIA, AUSTRALIA,EUROPE, AND AFRICA AND WE HAVE BEEN USING THIS INTERNATIONAL INVOCE FOR THEM ALL I DONT KNOW WHY YOU ARE COMPALINING ABOUT THE INVOCE THE INVOICE WILL NOT STOP YOU FROM RECIEVING YOUR CONSIGNMENT PLEASE, WHEN I MEET WITH YOU THEN WE CAN TALK IT OVER OKEY PLEASE, REASON WITH ME.

Quote:

You do not work for Joe Bloggs limited. That makes you a liar several times over. Please stop doing that. It's really, really pissing me off.

But then...

Quote:

THEN YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE JOE BLOGGS LIMITED IS UNDER P4R4M0UNT DELIVERY SERVICE WHICH IS MY COMPANY,WE HAVE SEVERAL COMPANIES REGISTRING UNDER US SO WHAT EVER NAMES YOU ARE SEEING THERE ARE UNDER OUR COMPANY SO PLEASE, THAT IS THE MISTAKE YOU ARE MAKING JUST GO AND MAKE THE PAYMENT SO THAT YOUR CONSIGNMENT CAN BE REALSE FOR ME TO MOVE TO ALICE SPRING AND MEET WITH YOU FOR US TO TALK PROPERLY.SO PLEASE, WHEN WE MEET THEN WE CAN TALK THINGS OVER THIS IS VERY SIMPLE.

Quote:

P4r4m0unt Delivery is supposed to be delivering the boxes held by B3lm0nt Security in Ghana. How the Sam Frick did Joe Bloggs Ltd get caught up in this? It doesn't add up!
For the record I can find Joe Bloggs Ltd as a chartered surveyor, a menswear importer, and a transnational mining company. What any of them would have to do with delivering boxes is a mystery.

I hope there's more. This Lad is quite entertaining.

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 9:46 am

I think he will hang in there, He's still there even after all the crap he is getting from Captan Mal.

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 1:41 pm

Quote:

THIS IS THE ONLY OPTION WE FOR ME TO BE IN ALICE PLEASE,

Quote:

AM I STUPID OR YOU THINK I DONT KNOW WHAT AM DOING AS A SENIOR DIPLOMAT PLEASE,

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 7:40 pm

Lad wrote:

AM I STUPID

Does he really want us to answer that? Rolling Eyes

Your baits always make good reading Very Happy

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 5:43 am

Quote:

AM I STUPID

Answer: Yes, incredibly!

Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:35 pm

Jun10r G4r4ng is at his wits' end. Captain Mal dissed the diplomats and then told him:

Quote:

... The boxes never left Ghana. I got word from Accra that men were caught at Kotoka airport with boxes of money with my details on them. They must have been planning to steal the money and use me as a scapegoat. You'd have been left penniless and I'd have been tagged as a criminal and arrested.
The whole deal with the invoice and the Western Union payments must have been to create a paper trail for the police to trace back to me. Those maggots M0rris0n and B3ny0s were never in Melbourne - no wonder they avoided meeting me!
The police will be contacting you. Cooperate with them fully. It's the only way.

(I'd received another scam email from Ghana, so I thought I'd use it.)

Junior was most vexed. Under the title bold in original, underlining added):

Quote:

another big lies from scamers fake nigeria policemen my consignment is in melbourne i was there when my consignment left to melbourne jun10r g4r4ng

was (emphasis added):

Quote:

all this are lies, i was there when my consignment left accra to your country what they are telling you are criminals which i told you that they are checking your mails they are nigerials cliaming to be an inspector or ig of police cliaming big big names to scam you please, dont reply there mails again dont even listen to them now i know they are the one using james boswell as the receiver name to lie to you instead of chimaobi agwu the company secretary name this is where the problem came from those people are liers my consignment left to melbourne in my present nobody was arrested they are lieing to scam you because they have your email password to check your mail.
please, dont reply them again my consignment is in melbourne is the truth mr benyos is incharge of my consignment i even meet with the director of paramount delivery please, go and make the payment so that my consignment can be realse from the airport custom agency please, so that the diplomat can move to meet you at alice spring.

Mal replied:

Quote:

We're both victims here. M0rr1s0n and B3ny0s and the rest are playing us for fools and suckers. They played a shell game with you by sending boxes (probably filled with newspaper or something) out of Accra and hiding the real ones. It's no wonder both M0rr1s0n and B3ny0s flung that bullshit about not being able to meet me or give an address - they weren't in Melbourne at all. Their whole plan was to make it look like I'd taken the money and left you high and dry.
I don't know what the Sam Frick is making you talk about Nigerians. Care to explain? It's got me beat!
FYI no-one's got my gorram password. I bet that those Paramount turds suggested that. Most likely there was someone on the inside skimming off the cash - someone who had been cut out of the deal - and he decided to get back by ripping them off. It's not a pretty story.
Just cooperate with the Accra LEOs. It's the only way.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:16 am

I bet when this jerk wakes up in the morning he sits bolt upright and shouts "please go and make the payment" to no one in particular before probably falling asleep again!

Great bait as usual.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:24 am

It sounds like you had better go out to Africa and investigate.

Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 3:03 am

^^^OOH! Good idea. He'll crap if he thinks you're coming over there to see the police.