The Bimbo and the serial killer

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Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 12:16 am

So taking Technomancer's surplus letter and running with it, Miss B1mbo Patricks receives a letter from the ever Charming 92 yo retiree Albert Fish:

Dear Miss Bimbo,

My name is Albert Fish, and I have to admit I was surprised to receive your email. I too was married for a long time until my dear passed away back in 1948. I have never remarried and am now 92 years old and living in a retirement home. Am I too old for your generous donation??? Here are the details you asked for:

1.Full Name, Albert Fish

2.Residential address, c/o The Dame Edna Everage Memorial Retirement Village (room 13). 5 Shaw Drive
INKERMAN VIC 3472

3.Private Phone No, I don't have a private phone number, I live in a retirement village. Do you live in a retirement village? I do, I'm 92!

4.Occupation, The werewolf of hysteria (Boxer), retired

5.Age. 92 (how old are you by the way?)

Where do we go from here?

Albert

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 12:18 am

Wow, think I started something when I posted that message up Shocked

lol

Have fun Wink

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 12:19 am

Miss Bimbo writes back, bolding is mine:

My beloved Brother In Christ Albert Fish,

Glory be to God Almighty for having you. (She obviously has NO IDEA who Albert was) Wink

My beloved In Christ Albert Fish, thanks for your urgent reply towards my mail, honestly I am beginning to have joy over me as you have promised to make my dream come through by using my money to do charity work in your country.

Beloved Brother In Christ Albert Fish, before I proceed I will like to use this chance to sympathize the passing away of your Lovely dear.

My beloved Albert Fish, the reason why I wanted you to do this charity project in your country is because I don’t want to give this project to under age person so that he will not sit on the money. You are advance Man with matured experience, I believe you have all the qualities to do this charity project because I know my money will be in a safer hand once the money enter into your account.

Honestly, my beloved Albert you will be rewarded in aboundance if you can devot your time to work for God Almighty. All I want from you is to do according to my instruction by using the money to help the poor, motherless home, Hospitals and mostly God venyard churches around you in your country.

Beloved Brother In Christ, as soon as I hear from you with assuring that you will do according to my instruction by using my inheritance money as i instructed, I will give you the contact of my late Husband Lawyer to help for the transfer of the money to your account in your country.

Remain bless in the Lord as I wait to hear from you urgently,

Your Sister In Christ,

Mrs.Bimbo.

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 12:23 am

Taking Technomancer's idea of having fun to heart, I decide that the retirement village should be populated entirely by serial killers:

My dear Bimbo,

Thank you for your kind words (I like kind words). I read your note to everyone in the retirement centre and they seemed impressed. the chance for me and my fellow retirees to particiapte in a charitable organisation fills us all with joy. My roommate John Wayne Gacy has suggested setting up a Children's foundation (in his name of course). While I don't like the name, I do like the idea. What do you think?

In the meantime we are having a show here at the Dame Edna Everage Memorial Retirement Centre, and John has promised to perform his old Pogo the Clown routine he used to do before he retired back in 1994. Do you remember 1994? I do it was a long time ago. I was 76. Are you 76? I was, I'm 92 now.

There is a couple down the Hall, David and Catherine Birnie, they are intertested in helping as well. How do we go about it?

Yours,

Albert

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 6:11 am

Remind me not to book into THAT retirement home !........ Laughing

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 6:18 pm

bimbo? who calls themselves bimbo? i think she has probably been de-educated by someone Smile

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 12:39 am

I sure hope so!!! Wink

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 12:42 am

I won't be able to reply to her for a bit, but Bimbo passes me on to her lawyer (Snooze). I wonder if Albert can turn this into a love bait at the same time???

My beloved Brother Albert Fish,

May peace of the Lord be with you and your entire Family as you have accepted to do this charity project as I instructed. Honestly, I am glad to read your mail this morning over your promises of using my inheritance to help the helpless once in your country.

My beloved Brother, I appreciate all your effort and arrangements you are making with your friends to utlize this money in your country. It will be a great joy to me by using this money work for God Almighty who made it possible for me to be alive today.

I cannot hasitate to give you the contact of the lawyer in Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire West Africa where the fund was deposited by my late Husband. He will work everything legally and smoothly to you. I have given him go ahead order, and i have forwarded your data’s to him and he will be waiting to hear from you.

Beloved Albert, feel free to contact him with your data’s by phone and email as soon as possible he will work everything legal and smoothly for you. he will obtain some legal paperworks in your name which will authenticates you as full beneficiary of the said fund, then submit to the bank and it will backup the transfer of the big sum in your account,
so feel free to contact him on my behalf

here is his contact information.

UGOMBA-CHAMBERS.
Name : Barrister Solomon Kings.
Phone. - <snipped>
Email- <also snipped>

iBeloved Albert, I will be glad to read your mail that you have make contact with the Lawyer.

Remain bless as I wait to read from you urgently,

Your Sister In Christ,

Mrs.Bimbo .

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:09 am

I still have to write to the "lawyer", but I send this back to the bimbo in the meantime:

Dear Miss Bimbo,

I will email your lawyer as soon as possible. Is he a nice man? how old is he? I'm 92! What does he do for work? Should I let him date my daughter? I won't, but only 'cos I never had children.

But please tell me about yourself? Are you 92? I am, here's a photo to prove it! Do you think I'm attractive? Maybe we can go out sometime. I have quite a bit of money stuffed under my mattress and not in a bank (Banks are evil, did you know that? I know that, they tried to rip me off, that's why I keep my money under a mattress now). I would have to sneak out of the retirement centre of course, but with someone as beautiful as yourself to meet up with I would happily do so! Are you a vegetarian? I'm not normally, but my teeth fell out last night and now I can't find them, so I am currently not eating meat. I miss meat, so we can't go to a steak house when we go out. Do you dance still? I don't, dancing is bad, mkay?

Do you have a photo you can send me? With a beautiful name like Bimbo I'm sure you are a very attractive woman! I like pretty women! Now... What was the name of that movie about Pretty women... Oh yes, Pretty woman! I think it was a documentary.

Let me know when we can go out,

Albert

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:32 am

So I get in contact with the "Lawyer". Fans of Special Ed from Crank yankers may enjoy the reference: Wink

Dear Mr Solomon,

My name is Albert Fish and I've been told by that hottie Miss Bimbo to get in touch with you. She's been kind enough to let our retirement centre give her money to the needy but I don't know what to do next. I've left the original message on here so you can see what I'm talking about (you have a nice voice by the way).

So, let's get this money out of the bank and under my mattress where it will be safe from those thieving bastards. Banks are evil, the spawn of the devil himself! Did you know that? I did, and I'm 92!

Do you like jello? I hope you like Jello, 'cos I wouldn't trust a man who didn't like Jello! Do you like Jello? I like Jello, and I'm 92!

Are you 92? I am.

Do you like Jello? Will you like Jello when you're 92? I do, yaaaay!

Let me know what happens from here.

By the way, tell me, how hot is Miss Bimbo? I think she likes me!

Albert

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:16 pm

I got this piece of crap back from the laywer (in bright blue all caps). He didn't mention if he liked Jello:

FROM THE DESK OF: BAR. SOLOMON KINGS

ATTN:

SIR,

THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL DATED (24- 03-2010). THIS LAW FIRM BY APPOINTMENT COULD REPRESENT BENEFICIARY TO PEFRORM ENDORSEMENT OF DEED OF TRANSFER AND ALSO OBTAIN ALL NECESSARY LEGAL DOCUMENTS ON BEHALF OF BENEFICIARY WHO MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO COME DOWN TO COTE D IVOIRE PHYSICALLY.

YES IT IS MY NOWLEDGE THAT MRS BIMBO. INFORMED ME THAT YOU WILL CONTACT THIS OFFICE AND REQUEST ASSISTANCE FOR THE PROCURING OF LEGAL DOCUIMENTS FROM MINITRY OF JUSTICE AND NOTARY OF STATE ON INHERITANCE MATTERS.

THE LAW OF COTE D IVOIRE MANDATED ALL BENEFICIARY CLAIMING INHERITANCE TO OBTAIN THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENT.

1) LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION
2) POWER OF ATTORNEY
3) SWORN AFFIDAVIT OF LEGALITY FROM MINISTRY OF JUSTICE

4) CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE FROM FEDERAL MINISTRY OF JUSTICE HERE,

THE ABOVE DOCUMENTS IS WHAT YOU REQUIRED IN ORDER TO CLAIM THE TRUST FUND AS BENEFICIARY.

MEANWHILE, THE ADMINISTRATIVE COST OF OBTAINING THE ABOVE DOCUMENTS IS AS FOLLOWS:

1) LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION FEE ($250.00 DOLLARS)
2) POWER OF ATTORNEY FEE ($200.00 DOLLARS)
3) SWORN AFFIDAVIT OF LEGALITY FROM MINISTRY OF JUSTICE FEE ($350 DOLLARS)

4) CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE FROM FEDERAL MINISTRY OF JUSTICE HERE, FEE ($200. DOLLARS)

STAMP DUTY FEE ($120 DOLLARS)

TOTAL AMOUNT NEEDED ( $1.120.00 DOLLARS)

HOWEVER, THIS LAW FIRM SHALL REPRESENT YOU TO OBTAIN THESE DOCUMENTS PROVIDED THAT YOU ACCEPT ABOVE STATUARY RULES AND REGULATIONS LAID DOWN FOR THE ISSUEANCE OF THE STATED LEGAL OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS.

FINALLY, OUR LEGAL SERVICE FEE SHALL STAY AFTER YOU RECEIVE YOUR INHERITANCE FUND BUT THE COST OF THE DOCUMENTS IS PAYABLE TO THE MINISTRY OF JUSTICE SO ITS NON NEGOTIABLE. I SHALL GIVE YOU NAME OF THE OFFICER YOU WILL SEND THE MONEY TO UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR RESPONSE.

THIS LAW FIRM ASSURES YOU OUR LEGAL SERVICE IN FULL TILL YOU CLAIM THE FUND TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

REGARDS,

BAR. SOLOMON KINGS (LLB)
MEMBER. SENIOR ADVOCATE OF COTE D IVOIRE (SACI)

UGOMBA-CHAMBERS
FROM THE DESK OF: BAR. SOLOMON KINGS
DIRECT TELE. +22506218237

It seems Albert won't trust the Barrister until he decides Wink

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:17 pm

Albert is wary:

Mr Laywer Man,

I got your message but before we proceed it is imperative that you tell me if you like Jello. As I mentioned before, I don't trust a man who doesn't like jello (you can tell a LOT about a man by the way he eats Jello. Did you know that? I did, and I'm 92!).

So tell me, do you like jello mr lawyer? Oh yeah, you didn't mention, is miss Bimbo hot for me or what?

Albert

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:57 pm

The lawyer resends the form, which I won't repost 'cos it's blue and boring, and it has NO mention of Jello. Time to try get the lawyer fired...

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:04 pm

I send a "I don't trust the lawyer" note:

Dear Miss Bimbo,

I have to say that I do not trust this lawyer. If I am to send him money he would have to make me trust him. I asked him if he likes Jello and he still hasn't answered me. I may be 92 (Are you 92? I am), but I feel that a lawyer is SUPPOSED to help you, and this guy isn't even willing to answer basic questions. By the way do you like Jello? I do, and I'm 92! You can tell a lot by the way a man eats Jello.

Let's just say this man is putting your deal in a great jeopardy. If he turns out not to be trustworthy, can I use the retirement Centre's Lawyer?

Albert

Up next, I send a similar note to the lawyer

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:20 pm

Look through all of the lad's replies again. Notice how he has barely mentioned any of the off-script references that you've included in almost all of your replies. It shouldn't really be a surprise, then, that the barrister completely ignored your Jello question. He's just feeding you the next part of his pre-written script each time because you're replying with lots of details that have no impact on the progress of his scam.

It's like he'll be viewing it this way...

LAD: Script part 1.
YOU: Personal chit-chat, no problems about script.
LAD: Script part 2.
YOU: More personal chit-chat, still no problems about the script.
LAD: Script part 3.
YOU: More personal details that don't prevent the script from going ahead.
And so on.

What you needed, right from reply #1, was a spike or two inserted into the lad's wheels (while still making it look like you'll be a paying mark, of course) to make him stop and take notice of what you're writing.

But that's just my opinion, so... make of it whatever you want. You're still wasting his time, so that's a good thing!

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:39 pm

I like wasting this guy's time. So I'll still send a note telling him I'm not going ahead. Let's see if he bites Wink

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 5:23 pm

Note sent, Albert's not a happy camper:

Mr Lawyer,

What the hell is THIS?

I have this form already and so far I see no attempt whatsoever to win my trust like an ordinary laywer would. If we are to proceed, then you must tell me if you like Jello, as I do NOT trust people who don't like Jello and to be blunt I'm having my doubts about you. I've sent a note to Miss Bimbo (And you never mentioned if she likes me or not. I do get so lonely sometimes since the death of my wife back in 1948), requesting a new lawyer.

This deal is in trouble and YOU put it there

Albert

Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 3:58 am

Miss Bimbo piles it on thick:

My beloved Brother Albert Fish,

Honestly, the Lawyer is not happy the way you are responding his mail. He indicated that the content of your mail to him look funy and joke while he is telling you the posibility of transfering this money to you in your country.

My belove Albert, my condition now is getting worse and i want this money to be transfer to you before i will go in for another surgical operation on wednesday next week. So please Mr.Albert try and comply with my Late Husband's Lawyer by sending to him the requested money so that he will get the neccessary Documents from the Government Authorities Concerned.

My beloved Albert, if you really want help me and do according to my instruction which you have already promised me, send the money to the Lawyer tomorrow so that he will go for the Documents.

My beloved brother, according to the Lawyer, as soon as he obtain the documents in your name and favour the money will be transfer to your account which you will provide immediately.

Remember what you promised me earlier that you will make my dream come true by using my money help the need'y, motherless homes and built Children Foundation in your country. Why are you delaying this charity project? please comply with the Lawyer by sending the money to him first thing tomorrow morning to enable him go for the documents which will enable Bank transfer the money to you in your country.

Remain bless as i wait to read from you urgently,

Your Sister In Christ,
Mrs.Bimbo.

pass the syrup love Wink

Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 4:03 am

But the lawyer caves in:

From the Desk of: Bar. Solomon Kings

Attn:

Sir,

This is to acknowledge receipt of your mail dated (26- 03-2010). sir yes i like Jello, coming to Mrs bimbo i can say that she like you that is the reason she gave her will to you as someone she loved,

sir for your information you should mind how to present a words to someone who you don’t know or ever met in your life, as old you are you need to know how to address a word to someone, but i have to forgive you for that,

Now when are you going to send the money in order to enable me obtain the needed documents so that the bank will comment for the transfer to you in your nominated bank account of your choice,

Warms regards,

Bar. Solomon Kings (LLB)
member. Senior advocate of cote d ivoire (SACI)

He likes Jello! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Laughing

Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 4:24 am

Albert however is still crotchety. You'd be crotchety too if your army buddies are all serial killers. And who knew Albert's lawyer was the unibomber???

Mr Lawyer man,

While I am pleased that I am talking to a fellow Jello eater, I will not have you tell me how to speak.

I am 92 years old (Are you 92? I am), and have fought and died in two world wars for the likes of you young wippersnappers. I fought in Korea and almost lost a leg so you can sit in your shiny new office and treat me with complete disrespect??? I think not.

Every year I march in the Anzac day parade (Despite being 92) to remember my friends who did not come back from the war, friends like Captain Edward Bundy who died so you can do what you do. We fought against the Nazi Hun in WW2 with the likes of Elfriede Blauensteiner, who worked a fifth column member until she was captured by the Authorities in 1943. Or my best friend David Berkowitz, who was gassed in Auschwitz along with his father Sam. These people fought for you, and you want to disgrace their memories by treating me like this???

I can have the money in a few hours (It is sitting under my mattress after all). But you have treat me like an equal and NOT a doddering old fool. Otherwise I will request Miss Bimbo look for a new lawyer. And people wonder I why I mistrust them so much, a lawyer ripped me off to the tune of 3.2 Million dollars of my 5.1 million dollar James Hardie Payout. Are you a lawyer like him? Theodore Kaczynski (llb) ripped me off and I'm still trying to get that money back, that's why I'm trying to make sure you're not a con artist like he was

Albert.

Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 4:26 am

Albert writes back to Bimbo:

My dear Bimbo,

I have to say I am not happy at they way you've written to me. I take this VERY Seriously indeed and just because I am a 92 year old man, that is no reason to write to me like this. I will be blunt and say I have been ripped off by lawyers in the recent past (particularly my last lawyer Theodore Kazynski), so I am distrustful of them as a rule and your lawyer cannot even answer my most basic questions. Please write to him and get him to treat me with the respect I deserve

I have think he is endangering this deal. I used to be a multi millionaire before a lawyer ripped me off in 1995, investing my money into a company that went broke leaving me with just the money I have under my mattress, I have been adding money to it ever since and I suspect I have a million or two of my own now.

I may just simply use the money I already have to do charitable works. It's gathering dust under my mattress, and I could probably do just as much with my money as I could with yours

Albert

Posted: Wed Mar 31, 2010 11:37 pm

So thinking I've been dropped by the bimbo and her lawyer, I decide hell, if one serial killer can do it why not another? So with that in mind the ditz writes in a much more conciliatry manner, hoping the bimbo will take the bait. Meanwhile regular readers of the ditz's shenanigans will notice her "soon to be ex husband" has changed his name by deed poll to Carl Großmann:

My dear Mrs Patricks,

I must say I was surprised to hear from you (but in a good way). I am sorry to hear about all the pain and suffering you have gone through.

My soon to be ex husband Carl Großmann (I've always hated my married name, fortunately here in Australia we can keep our maiden names if we wish) and I are going through a bitter divorce right now and tending to your dying wishes will help me get through these trying times.

So as requested here are the details you asked for.

1.Full Name, Kathrin Baier

2.Residential address, Großmann Farm, 301 Yalbraith road, Yalbraith, New South Wales, Australia 2580

3.Private Phone No, 6197 2745

4.Occupation, Homemaker

5.Age. 42

Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Oh, and will it be a problem that I was raised a Lutheran? I was originally born in Germany.

Yours in poppers,

Kathrin

More info on Carl here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_Grossman_(Murderer)

Hopefully, I'm not done with the bimbo yet Wink

Posted: Thu Apr 01, 2010 2:33 pm

It seems the Bimbo isn't quite done with me yet:

My beloved Kathrin Baier,

May peace of the Lord be with you and your entire Family as you have accepted to do this charity project as I instructed. Honestly, I am glad to read your mail this morning over your promises of using my inheritance to help the helpless once in your country.

My beloved Kathrin, I appreciate all your effort and arrangements you are making for the success of this God’s work and to utlize this money in your country. It will be a great joy to me by using this money work for God Almighty who made it possible for me to be alive today.

Beloved Kathrin, once again I thank you for been sympathetic of my present condition. But one thing I will advice you is to be strong no matter any condition you find your self, just believe that with God all things are possible. Look at my condition today, this sickness has ditorated me so badly but I still believe in miracle. Now the Doctor said that I will go for another surgical operation by Wednesday next week, I am not afraid of death because I know where I’m going. So my beloved One put your hope in God, he will meet you at your point of knee.

I cannot hasitate to give you the contact of the my late Husband Lawyer here in Abidjan Cote d’ivoure West Africa . He will work everything legally and smoothly to you. I have given him go ahead order, and i have forwarded your data’s to him and he will be waiting to hear from you to proceed.

Beloved, feel free to contact him with your data’s by phone and email as soon as possible he will work everything legal and smoothly for you. he will obtain some legal paperworks in your name which will authenticates you as full beneficiary of the said fund, then submit to the bank and it will backup the transfer of the big sum in your account,
so feel free to contact him on my behalf

here is his contact information.

UGOMBA-CHAMBERS.
Name : Barrister Solomon Kings.
Phone. - +225-06218237
Email- [email protected]

Beloved, I will be glad to read your mail that you have make contact with the Lawyer.

Remain bless as I wait to read from you urgently,

Your Sister In Christ,
Mrs.Bimbo Patricks.

This time round, I'll see if I turn the lawyer into a romance bait Rolling Eyes

Posted: Thu Apr 01, 2010 2:34 pm

It seems the Bimbo isn't quite done with me yet:

My beloved Ditz,

May peace of the Lord be with you and your entire Family as you have accepted to do this charity project as I instructed. Honestly, I am glad to read your mail this morning over your promises of using my inheritance to help the helpless once in your country.

My beloved Kathrin, I appreciate all your effort and arrangements you are making for the success of this God’s work and to utlize this money in your country. It will be a great joy to me by using this money work for God Almighty who made it possible for me to be alive today.

Beloved Kathrin, once again I thank you for been sympathetic of my present condition. But one thing I will advice you is to be strong no matter any condition you find your self, just believe that with God all things are possible. Look at my condition today, this sickness has ditorated me so badly but I still believe in miracle. Now the Doctor said that I will go for another surgical operation by Wednesday next week, I am not afraid of death because I know where I’m going. So my beloved One put your hope in God, he will meet you at your point of knee.

I cannot hasitate to give you the contact of the my late Husband Lawyer here in Abidjan Cote d’ivoure West Africa . He will work everything legally and smoothly to you. I have given him go ahead order, and i have forwarded your data’s to him and he will be waiting to hear from you to proceed.

Beloved, feel free to contact him with your data’s by phone and email as soon as possible he will work everything legal and smoothly for you. he will obtain some legal paperworks in your name which will authenticates you as full beneficiary of the said fund, then submit to the bank and it will backup the transfer of the big sum in your account,
so feel free to contact him on my behalf

here is his contact information.

UGOMBA-CHAMBERS.
Name : Barrister Solomon Kings.
Phone. - +<snipped>
Email- barrsoking@

Beloved, I will be glad to read your mail that you have make contact with the Lawyer.

Remain bless as I wait to read from you urgently,

Your Sister In Christ,
Mrs.Bimbo Patricks.

This time round, I'll see if I turn the lawyer into a romance bait Rolling Eyes

Posted: Thu Apr 01, 2010 2:36 pm

The Ditz is FAR more compliant than Albert ever was. Pity she has no idea what western Onion is:

My dear Mrs Bimbo,

I will do as you have instructed, good luck with your surgery

Yours in poppers,

Kathrin

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