Hi All!! (STEWARD)

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419Eater is my life Joined: 11 Dec 2009 Posts: 316

Quote:

Am I late ?

Noooooo, I could introduce the resurrected !! Shocked

Hi Steward!!

Pleased to meet you. Did hear one or the other story about you.

----

btw - Hi All!!

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:33 pm

Welcome to Eater, Real Steward! Very Happy

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 7:36 pm

Hello to he who calls himself Steward (real).
May I please see your hands, feet and side?

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 7:38 pm

Welcome to Eater, Real Steward!
Very Happy

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:19 pm

@stweward (real) : please go and draw your attention in your own opening topic. I suggest 'Hi All !! (real)' This goes for future sterward (realer), (realest), and (realester) numbnuts that try to thrive on the glory of our most memorable member ever. I'm shocked to see this time the mods seem to be out of town when push comes to shove.

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:39 pm

Welcome to Eater, Real Steward! Very Happy

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:01 pm

I am now caught in a question of faith! I want to believe this is THE Steward, but Dutch and Mr. SK do bring up valid points. I think it only fitting that we receive a picture of the alleged Steward holding a proper sign announcing himself to the world!

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:04 pm

Welcome to Eater, Real Steward. Very Happy

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:26 pm

To witness the return;
I'm so lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky...

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:33 pm

A DNA and/or IP test can be administered by a mod.
Steward "allegedly" (real), please PM the mod Slightlyoutofit and inquire the detailed instructions for sending a body fluid sample.

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:34 pm

Slowly, the conspiracy unravels.

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:57 pm

Chapter 3

As we gathered in the secure War Room deep beneath 10 Downing Street, Holmes once more began his incessant pacing while the other members of the War Council seated themselves around the circular table and began placing notepads, pens, Port bottles, glasses from their portmanteaux onto the table. Sir Humphrey rose, and with a few brief words described the known circumstance so far, how Steward, a mere civilian, had penetrated deep into the Society of Goat Fetishists, had been accepted by the Cabal as a person of Depraved and Cynical Mind, how on discovering the Dark Secret contained within the Hidden Books of Power, Steward had bravely and presumably at the cost of his own life, passed on his findings in an effort to Arouse the British People.

Sir Reginald Shortbottom-Jones, DCM, ADHD, MBGF, FUBAR, Commander General of Her Majestys 2nd Horse and Added Artillary , Knighted after the stunning defeat at Rorkes Drift the previous year, rose and in a gruff voice asked why this Secret Cabal had passed unnoticed for so long, and if he had been in charge of the British Secret Intelligence Organisation, this state of affairs would never have occurred. His comments were noted, and opposed by Knight Commander Higgins-Rowtham-Smythe, OCBE, FUBYR, Double Bar and Soap Dispenser, who claimed that the entire safety of the British Empire had been for too long entrusted to lackeys of the landed Gentry, of which he was proud to claim no part, his mother being a Cockney tart of unknown origin, and his father a mere Lord of the Upper House of Commons.

Order was called by Sir Humphrey, and serious discussion took place. Holmes meanwhile continued to pace the room, his gaze fixing first on one, then another, of the Nobled Personages seated around the table. He gazed perhaps at ones shoulders, anothers hair, ears, all the while sucking contentedly upon his pipe.

Firstly, who was Steward? None of the Agencies gathered around the room had any record of him, or any personage of that name. The Alibis, Persona Gratis, Falsified Letters of Travel issued by the Home Office showed no record, Was he an Outsider, that person who acted only from Altruistic pleasure, doing good for no reward?

Argument followed, firstly that no-one could have travelled the Secret Paths of Knowledge that the Goat Fetishes had devised without training in the Secret Arts, then having secured entrance into their Hidden Den, how had he found the archives that detailed their Fiendish Plot? Lord William Ranawayathefirstshot-Brown suggested that Steward had been a mere poor innocent, who had somehow been caught up in a maelstrom of events, his soul in torment, a personage bereft of human kindness, that had been caught in a web of deceit, cunning and sheer inhuman devilment.

Holmes fixed his gaze upon Lord William, and in a smoke roughened voice, asked
“ And how exactly my lord, does an innocent male person, walking across Hampstead Heath, on a summer night, suddenly befronted by a 13 naked members of the female gender, dancing and disporting, around a tall granite monolith, react?

Well My Lord?”

Sir Humphrey exclaimed, “ Holmes, are you suggesting Dark Satanic Forces are at work in this matter??”

Holmes smiled, slowly drew a draw on his insufferably pungent pipe, and with a cryptic smile at me, answered “Did I ever mention Dark Satanic Forces?”

Sir David William-Graheme-Steven-Ullapool-Football-Team-1947 rose swiftly, and
stuttered a that nnnnnnever iiin hhhhis lifffffffe timme hhhhad witches eeever bbbeeen a ppppproblem, yyyou jjjust ttthhhtthhhrew them on a bbbbonfire eeevery hhhallloweeen aannnd thhhhey wwwennt awaaaay

Much confusion followed, were we talking about Witches, Dark Satanic Forces, Goat Fetishes, which of the perceived threats were what Steward was trying to warn us about?

How were we ever going to find the missing 3rd Post? Would we have to answer the questions to the 39 Steps.? Could we train an Agent of Superior Knowledge, sufficient to overcome the Deep Secrets of the Khabbala? Would the Dark Ring Wraiths of the One Lord see through any disguise? How had Steward penetrated so deeply into the Secret Portals of the Goat Fetishes, and still maintained his humanness?

Holmes was ever pacing around the room, his pipe growing more pungent, he stopped, his maniacal eye (the left one) suddenly bright, and with a shout that overcame the murmuring, he declaimed “ Watson! We must away, Evil is afoot, this is all a cheap tawdry third rate carnival side show, designed to capture our attention, while the real criminal escapes! Quick, we must away by the tide from Portsea at 11 of the clock, I fear that we have been lead astray by sly innuendoes, tawdry bordello comments, and cheap $2 shop trinkets.”

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:06 pm

I'm having a crisis of faith.

LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF POSTS FOR THIS STEWARD (real) EVERYONE - only two posts. 2? 2?

Bah humbug. This ain't no Steward (real) but a paltry charlatan dressed in goats clothing. I knew Steward well ... and this is no Steward. He says far too much.

Avert your eyes. He may take on other forms. Shocked

Now on the other hand, Steward (real), I hope you know that some of your closest and most loyal acolytes have followed every single teaching of your (Steward [real]) most Holy GOAT. I wore red and slung myself down and to the left just as you taught us.

N.OR.A. did not .... not that I am dobbing on anyone (important).

No decepticons have joined 419EATER just as you commanded. What's up with the decepticons anyway?

We demand DNA, 3 photos of all holes (including before and after), hair samples going back to 1999 and a litre of your urine. Somewhere in all of this there is an answer ...

And the Order of Stewardians will find it. And maybe figure out why people get fat off the diet industry.

In the meantime, Steward (real) we suggest that you go on a long desert pilgrimage (definitely not a safari Rolling Eyes

) to cast out the demons of the Ladgerian Western Onion Temples. Show them the error of their ways and collect multiple abandoned MTCN's.

Steward (real or pretender) why have you come among us? Was it zombies? It's always those damned zombies.

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 12:17 am

WOW, the previous page was so disturbing. First iMike makes such heretical statements. I have never said this on the open forum, but I have always wondered about iMike. He always seemed to have shifty eyes!

As for the Steward (real) fiction, I could point out at least a dozen inconsistencies to the story Steward did warn us of false stewards that would come along trying to prey on the weak of knees and kidneys. Do not be one of those. The separation will be long and ugly.

Stay true to Steward!

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 1:20 am

It was the anti-Steward! I am sure! His coming was sannounced by the twisting of iMike's words. I can see it now...so clear...so clear...

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 6:41 am

As I study the wisdom and merciful grace of Steward, I feel impressed that it is actually his second post we are missing, rather than the third. I came to this conclusion while partaking of some holy toast, so it must be a true Stewardian manifestation.

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 6:48 am

^^^ Hello fellow Stewardians. Smite the unbelievers. Steward (bless his holy sack) commands it!

Ummm Mr SK ... you have been truly blessed with divine understanding. Please help this feeb by telling me what you mean cos I have no idea. Embarassed

(pst ... don't tell anyone because I might be found unworthy)

@ Paranoid, BadgerDude, Forwun Nine, Corona ... rally the Stewardians in prayer! Unbelievers must be purged. I'm thinking next Tuesday is good - how does that work for you?

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 6:49 am

ParaNoid wrote:

WOW, the previous page was so disturbing. First iMike makes such heretical statements.

Well, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition.....

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 7:41 am

^^ Can I be the first to say...

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 7:51 am

. Sorry, I meant a Steward's Inquiry.

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 8:20 am

^^^

Has he gone again?
That's even if he's the real Steward. Could be a baiter... Or even a badger!

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 8:31 am

Brother Dogsbum,
It has been assumed that the third post was taken with Steward when he ascended. However, the browning pattern and butter pooling on my holy toast enlightened me. We must be missing the 2nd post. Making the Apocrypha of Steward page 3 post 22 the 3rd post.
I hope I haven't ruined the ending of Sir Irish Conan Emigrant's mystery, but when Steward commands, I must obey

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 8:57 am

And Lo! It came to pass that Steward sent His angel the Holy Virgin Vogon to Earth, and the Virgin Vogon didst appear before the goat herders and spake thus "Steward will come again amongst thee." And thus it was the second coming of Steward was foretold. And the Virgin Vogon didst also appear before the magistrates and the judges and the moderators and spake further, "The Mighty Steward will appear once more amongst the peoples of this world and will bestow heavenly blessing upon the faithful, and the world will rejoice and sing the holy hymn - The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. And blessed will be the followers of Steward."

Keep the faith Brothers and Sisters, for HE will come again.

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 9:06 am

steward (real) wrote:

somehow my account got blocked, Hi all!

You also know the reason why. Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 9:13 am

My gast has been well and truly flabbered.

Wink