Hi All!! (STEWARD)

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Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:10 pm

The Case of the Missing Post.

It was a dark and stormy night. Outside the library windows the wind rattled the branches against the window panes, rain beat a steady tattoo against the shutters, the cries of the street folk as they were swept aside by the torrent came faintly to my ears. Holmes paced along the oriental carpet , his greasy clay pipe emitting clouds of some oriental herbal mixture, his eyes lost in puzzlement.

“Watson, when we take away all the known possibilities, if what is left is beyond our Realm of Knowledge, perforce it must be the solution.”

Personally I’ve always thought his methods and arguments were just a load of old cobblers, and nothing beats having Inside Information, but even my well honed police trained mind could see no apparent solution to the conumdrum we faced.

The facts of the case were easily explained. Steward appeared, he made one brief post, and failed to return for some time. Another brief post appeared under his name, then his membership was suspended amidst claims of a mysterious third post, verified only by hearsay. Where was the missing post? Would it throw light upon the reasons for the “Suspended” tag attached to his name? Was there a Conspiracy of Silence being enforced in the Dark Corridors of Power? Were Mysterious Forces moving in a secret Cabal to prevent the manner of Stewards demise from being discovered?

Holmes ceased his pacing, and after knocking the nub of smouldering opium from his pipe, filled his syringe with the extract of coca leaf that he had discovered while on the Case of the South American Voo Doo Zombie Cult. He quickly injected the clear liquid into his arm, and paused, then his movements became more excited, his eyes flashing, as he strode rapidly back and forth, all the while muttering and making sharp excited movements with his arms.

I poured myself another tumbler of the excellent Laphraoig Cask Strength whisky that had been gratefully given by the Husband of Lady Windemere after Holmes had solved the puzzle of her missing fan, and waited while Victorian Englands most astute criminal mind pondered the mystery.

I considered the theories discussed so far, was Steward just an Innocent who had somehow stumbled upon the Secret Message writ large in stone on the Monoliths left by the Ancients on Dartmoor? Were Dark Satanic Forces once more roaming the Earth and Steward was an emissary from them? Had Steward become involved in a Coven of Witches, known by Holmes and myself to inhabit the innocent seeming fields and playgrounds of Hampstead. Where had Steward come from? What was the meaning behind his cryptic post? “I hope you will be my friends” he wrote. Was this a plea for help? Was Steward trapped in a Dark and Gloomy Netcafe, being held against his will, his only method of contact with the world a battered keyboard and a Sinclair ZX mainframe?

Then his second message “Thank you all”, had he gained freedom? Was he once more a Free Man, able to go about his daily business safe from whatever maelevolent Force had commandeered his will? Had he overcome the terror and shame of being Unmasked? Just when it appeared that Steward was safe, came reports of a third post, unseen by most, but rumoured to have contained the 3 Words of Power, and the Dire Words of Prophecy. Was this now vanished third post the answer? Had the Dark Cabal of Power removed all trace of this post in fear of what it might disclose to the Members of the Network? Was this the reason behind the “Suspended” notification affixed to Stewards name? Had Steward somehow penetrated the Inner Sanctum of Power, inhabited by the Green and Red Robed Acolytes of the Mythical Deity known to all as Shiver?

I sipped my whisky, the sharp iodine seaweed peat smoke flavour soothing my mind, as Holmes continued pacing.

Suddenly he stopped, his face frozen in a maniacal grin. “Watson, call for a Hansom Cab, we must away forthwith, there is more to this than was first apparent. I must meet with the Royal Advisor now, for I fear there is a Plot afoot in the Realm, that will mean the End of Civilisation as we know it.”

He flung his battered cloak around his shoulders, and grabbing for his greasy clay pipe, he flung open the door, calling for his cane and deerstalker hat.

We exited the Front Entrance into the tempest outside, and gaining access to the kerb we secured a two horse Hansom and with no further ado were quickly on our way to the Palace.

Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:40 pm

^^^

Please continue!

Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:42 pm

Quote:

Was Steward trapped in a Dark and Gloomy Netcafe

I prefer milk and two sugars in mine.

Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:54 pm

@Roy, SOOI, and Luckey: I'm afraid they're getting too close. The best defense is a good offense; when in doubt, obfuscate; if caught red-handed, go hiking the Appalachian Trail, and never forget: if the truth is in danger of being discovered, a cover up will always work. We'd better shut this down quickly before it blows up in our faces. I'll meet you in the mod lounge in 15 minutes.

Ssssshhhhhhhh!!!!

Move along, everyone, nothing to see here.

Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:57 pm

I just sent the following to Steward's mom.

Quote:

Dear Madam,

I have been shown in the logs of the Admin Department a statement of the Exhaled Leader of 419Eater.com that you are the mother of a son who has been gloriously suspended on an internet forum of battle.

I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Forum Members he hoped to enlighten.

I pray that Mr. Gomer may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of baiting.

Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,

luckey

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:46 pm

The whole lot of you crack me up Laughing

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:10 pm

I'm sorry, Rover, but I'm going to have to suspend you for posting on a locked thread. Evil or Very Mad

Ditto for un-Luckey.

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:23 pm

What locked thread?

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:31 pm

I am relieved that we can still search for Steward. He deserves to be found or at least a half hearted effort made to find him.

Has anyone contacted the FbI or CiA or InterPol? We may neeed some professional help. Shocked

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:43 pm

I think we are giving the mods too much credit.

Do you guys really think they have enough power to suspend Steward?

It is obvious he suspended himself. I think he did so to make us realize how precious his words are. If we don't strive to fully utilize the wisdom he has given us in his 2 brilliant posts, why should we expect more?

Thanks for all or you,
Amen.

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:51 pm

@'Noid: Even better: I've put Rover on top of this. Seems to be a hard drugs related mobster intrigue, by the looks of his post, this is way beyond zombie shizzle ..

Stand tall, steward! Help is on it's way! Have at them, Rover!

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:58 pm

I still want to know what was in that mysterious missing post.... it will become another great 419eater legend, like Frederick Fokker, Icrightthroughyou, and Amelia Earhart.

Bruin

Trophy Videos · Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:01 pm

Who would have thought that "Welcome to Eater, Steward. Very Happy

" would cause so much division and strife around here? Had I known what i know now about what this has caused many of us in emotional upheaval. suspicious bickering, and the banning of my unofficial mentee, N.O.R.A., from any more posting about Steward, I would ignored the lonely Steward. For this act of kindness on my part, I am very sorry. I do wish that someone wins PF's Premium Membership Contest in Stewards honor, if only to help poor Steward's mom's grieving process to run it's course. Or something like that...

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:15 pm

This thread was locked and now unlocked?
Could this be the work of Steward (aka Harry Houdunit)?

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:28 pm

I have just come across this thread, and all I can say is there are great forces at work than we are aware of or capable of understanding. Greater even than "His Awesomeness" and the other mere mortal mods. Forces beyond the understanding on man.

Just reading this thread is like a religious experience, a sort of sudden enlightenment, a conversion if you like.

Steward is (or was) not an ordinary man, but a guru, maybe even a messiah, come amongst us to teach us the true way. And what did we do, but spurn him and his words, with mere platitudes and trivial greetings.

Truly I say unto you, WE ARE NOT WORTHY. But maybe there is a small chance of redemption. Maybe there is a way to salvation. Turn I say to you, Turn. Seek ye the truth, Seek ye the ways of Steward, and ye may yet be saved.

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:31 pm

^^Amen Brother Hiker.
Welcome to the fold...

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:01 pm

I've just watched Master Chef and the Quarter finalist is Steward (that's how the Ozzy guy pronounced it). Is that our Steward Question

Edit: I could swear that he said "Thanks for all or you."
but my PVR is knackered, so I couldn't rewind.

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:13 pm

Welcome Brother Hiker! Your membership forms will shortly be mailed to you! Praise the one who is Steward!! We await his return, bevel headed, from the opalescent Nagwahl!

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:29 pm

May Steward's peace be upon all of us.
Brother Badger, I was hoping you would help me pick out my Steward tattoo... I only received inspiration that I should get one. Steward was, of course, vague on the specifics.

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:41 pm

You can see Steward's tattoo design here

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:44 pm

Is not a pilgrimage to the sacred birthplace of Steward required?

Bruin

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:45 pm

BRUIN wrote:

I still want to know what was in that mysterious missing post

Most of us won't ever see it because it was in the Admin Only forum, such is the power of Steward. This is the thing that alerted the management here to the true awesomeness that had come to visit us.

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:47 pm

It occurs to me that these posts are NOT behind the log-in barrier, so his awesomeness, Steward, may very well be reading what we are writing! All hail Steward!

Bruin

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:50 pm

Beware the flapping tongue of blasphemy Fowan! I felt the spirit of Steward drift through, in a fleeting manner. When I got up off the floor I had an image to show the chosen!

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:nBSqhtfkmWt5HM:http://www.geekytattoos.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wolverine_mylittlepony_tattoo.jpg

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:51 pm

I have received a revelation, from either Steward or my imagination, telling me to create a website devoted to Steward and his greatness and all-awesomeness.
Mind you, it has only begun...
http://saintsteward.webs.com/
If we build it he may or may not come.