Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 12:07 am

One liners..............

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Fighting for peace is like f***ing for virginity.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

When in doubt, mumble.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 5:38 pm

'Lost in translation' interview becomes web hit

Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 9:06 pm

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 26 Sep 2008 Posts: 689

According to BBC News, the father of the Nigerian who attempted to blow up the Delta airliner whilst approaching Detroit had emailed US authorities to warn them about his son's extreme anti American views. This man happened to be a very wealthy banker.

You can imagine the email arriving at the US Government's offices:

Good afternoon, I am a wealthy Nigerian banker....

Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:24 am

I don't know how true this is. But, it's funny.

http://www.facepalm.com/post/2009/11/20/Man-Arrested-After-Calling-911-for-Sex.aspx

EDIT:
Shocked

it IS true

http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/2009/11/13/20091113gan-phonesex-ON.html

EDIT2:

For goodness sake, here's the audio. Laughing

NSFW!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmFBeBdumEg&feature=related

Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:57 pm

Pictures Taken Exactly At The Wrong Time

Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:37 am

here's a dating site for if you have run out of all other options: http://www.meet-an-inmate.com

Very Happy

Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 12:39 pm

Here's some "pain" for baiters for a change (with a retro gaming flavour). Laughing

http://firstpersontetris.com/

Wannabe Baiter Joined: 22 Jan 2010 Posts: 85

Billy Milligan wrote:

Here's some "pain" for baiters for a change (with a retro gaming flavour). Laughing

http://firstpersontetris.com/

Holly cow I only got 5684 points that was much harder then normal tetris.
Tim

Posted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 3:38 am

An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old ***hole what his name is.

Laughing

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 26 Sep 2008 Posts: 689

Craigslist - not a scam!

Spoiler It's an image of a page

Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 4:14 pm

A three year old boy was sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long and goes to check on him.
Billy is gripping the toilet seat with one hand and hitting himself on top of the head with the other.
Mom: "Billy! Are you all right? You've been in there awhile."
Billy: "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't pooped, yet."
Mom: "OK, you can stay in a few more minutes, but why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy: "It works with the Ketchup bottle."

Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 7:35 am

N N N wrote:

Craigslist - not a scam!

N N N, I just submitted that to facepalm dot com Laughing

Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 1:21 am

Someone's snow frog. This was made somewhere in Texas by a friend of a FB friend.

Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 1:37 am

Something fun to do on the phone. You know most of us like to have fun on the phone. Wink

Why not have fun with a mega corporation's phone? Go ahead, you know you want to!

Instructions:

Call Nestle @ 1-800-295-0051
When asked if you want English or Spanish, don't tell it anything. Just wait for about 10 seconds. From there, you will have more options to play with. Have fun!

Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 5:59 pm

Cute Weasel, the call finally went thru. Laughing

Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 7:30 pm

Who is the odd man out and more importantly, why?

1. Lord Stevenson: former chairman, HBOS
2. Sir Fred Goodwin: former chief executive, RBS
3. Andy Hornby: former chief executive, HBOS
4. Sir Tom McKillop: former chairman, RBS
5. John McFall MP: chairman of Treasury Select Committee
6. Alastair Darling: Chancellor of the Exchequer
7. Gordon Brown: Prime Minister and former Chancellor
8. David Cameron: Leader of the Conservative Party
9. George Osbourne: Conservative Party Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer
10. Sir Terry Wogan: presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show

You're probably thinking Terry Wogan...... and you are right . However the reason might surprise you.

Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds any formal banking qualifications! He worked in a bank before radio

Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:18 pm

The British Solution to Save Petrol

Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use.....

The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3
million illegal immigrants!

That would be 3 million less people using our petrol.. The
price of petrol would come down.....

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the Channel....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel,
hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he
must serve a tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on
it.....

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since
he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal
resident.... ..

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and
provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make
a better life for themselves.. ....

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,
without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved....

Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:35 pm

A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Baiting Guru Joined: 29 Jan 2008 Posts: 2531 Location: AU

JUST READ IT!!!

I'll let it speak for itself.

I was reading a thread on another site and came across this guy's story....

(When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.)

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:14 am

Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ar*e and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:17 am

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " F *** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:19 am

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet dog...and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had...an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do...on impulse I told her that no...I didn't have a dog...I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't...because I ended up
in the hospital last time...but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified...she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no...I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. The supermarket won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:24 am

A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next toThe green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.You must be a lucky frog, heh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole."What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.

"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:26 am

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot the little bastard

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