Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 5:13 am

http://www.nopuedocreer.com/noticias/wp-content/images/2009/09/test_gay.jpg

Laughing

Not quite a Newb Joined: 15 Feb 2006 Posts: 35

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-CXwgifA4U

stephen fry and a bird, hilarius

janxx

Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 3:00 am

3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask
over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again......

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
He
saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we
made love all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my
eyes
and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say
anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothersfor the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says:

Hey Batman, Whats for dinner?

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet.

His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up.

The Little Boy Is Gripping On To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hitting Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.

His Mother Says: "Billy, Are You Alright? You've Been In Here For Awhile."

Billy Says: "I'm Fine, Mommy. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes. But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Marys.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart... just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green??'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his own ears, but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 4:12 am

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him.
Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator,
he decided to go with a much cheaper one; a Chinese man named Chen Lee.

The following day he received following report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house. I watch house. He come to house.
I watch. He and she leave house.
I follow. He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree. I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall from tree.
I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

--------------------------------------------------------------

Looking forward to marriage? ... think again guess what starts FIGHTS ?

Quote:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

Quote:

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

Quote:

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Quote:

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt l ook big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yester day

and then the fight started.....

Quote:

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

Quote:

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I ha ven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

Quote:

My wife and I are watching Who Wants T o Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

Posted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 11:31 am

The tears of a clone.....

The 20 worst science and technology errors in films

Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 8:50 pm

A young mother had two boys who swore all of the time. No matter what she tried she couldn't get them to stop. Eventually she decide she had to go to a child psychologist to get some help.

The psychologist told her the problem was that she wasn't laying down the law and confirming her position as the authority in the house. The psychologist told her that only after they recognized her authority would they listen to her and stop swearing.

“How do I go about doing that?” she asked.

“The next time either of them swears, you just have to beat them senseless and grab their attention so they get the point that you're serious” was the reply.

The next morning the two boys came bounding down the stairs bright and early.

The young mother turned to her first son and asked “what do you want for breakfast?”
The first son replied “get the hell in there and make me some *&#$^*#& pancakes biatch” at which she started beating on him with the spatula and screaming at him at the top of her lungs.

She then turned to her second son, who was staring wide-eyed at this transaction, and said “now how about you?” To which he replied “I don't know biatch, but I sure has hell don't want any *&#$^*#& pancakes!”

Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 2:49 am

http://failblog.org/2009/10/10/limo-fail/

Laughing

Posted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 12:40 pm

http://bigpondnews.com/articles/Entertainment/2009/10/17/Bad_buttocks_procedure_bums_star_383890.html
But in case they correct it...

Headline:

Quote:

Bad buttocks procedure burns star

First paragraph:

Quote:

Mexican rock star Alejandra Guzman says she has been hospitalised with an infection from buttocks injections she had to make herself 'more beautiful.'

That's what happens sometimes when stories are phoned in!

ETR Freudian slip!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Pirates wanted ad
http://www.gumtree.com/london/79/47329179.html

Someone is also selling a unicorn!

** Retired ** Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 750 Location: Air

Any UK baiters with a fondness for Biscuits and/or a cup of tea and/or a sit down should have a look here

Posted: Thu Oct 22, 2009 6:28 pm

Not funny, but fun- a site with a million do it your self Halloween projects. Most are very easy

http://www.halloweenmonsterlist.info/default.htm

Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 3:58 am

http://www.zigzagphilosophy.com/

Baiting Guru Joined: 29 Jan 2008 Posts: 2531 Location: AU

this had me in tears Laughing

Quote:

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli.

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your arse cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing.. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.

Despite habanera chilli swimming it's way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the family room.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a trolley and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilli fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned the poor guy, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.

Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the lav and began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of it all. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled trolley intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

This of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager who unceremoniously escorted me from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realised that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Woolies.

I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter..

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:19 pm

A man dies and finds himself in Hell. He's wallowing in despair when the Devil comes along and says "Cheer up, its not so bad, we have a lot of fun down here.
"You a drinking man"?
"Sure" replies the man.
"Well you are going to love Mondays" says the devil "On Mondays all we do is drink, beer, scotch, wine, as much as you like, Hey are you a smoker?
"You better believe it" says the man.
"Then you are going to love Tuesdays, we get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out on a Tuesday.
"I bet you like to gamble as well" says the Devil.
"Why yes" replies the man.
"Well are you going to like Wednesdays, Horses, cards, roulette, whatever you like.
Hey you into drugs?
"Yes, I love drugs"
"Well Thursday is drugs day, you can do all the drugs you want"
"Wow" says the man "I never knew hell was this good"
The Devil says "Hey I bet your gay too"
"No" replies the man.
"Ouch" replies the Devil "You are not going to like Fridays".

Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:34 pm

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason that Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sh***ing his wife.

Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:38 pm

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said "This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little farther and saw another pen with a sign that said: "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked farther and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You really COULD learn something from this one."

THE HUSBAND LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, "GO UP AND ASK HIM IF IT WAS WITH THE SAME COW."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:41 pm

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl.
She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:49 pm

England v Brazil
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho, arriving late, goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're crap and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself - you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)".

He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes."

Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:46 am

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, pointing to one "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man .
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 10:28 am

“Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.”

Baiting Guru Joined: 11 May 2004 Posts: 2163

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

funny responses to online adds

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

Pixar Vs Dreamworks

Posted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:59 am

2 parrots in a pet shop, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

pm me if you are too embarrassed to admit in public you don't get that joke, I'll explain it Very Happy

Posted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 9:31 am

^I'm not embarrassed, but I still don't get it.

Posted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:12 pm

They were sitting on a perch Smile

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