Can anyone here help?

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Not quite a Newb Joined: 28 May 2009 Posts: 61

You couldn't have stopped it and you did YOUR best which was a lot better than anyone else did.

You need to stop beating yourself up about it, she's safe now and there's a wealth of good advice on this thread that I fully endorse and I needn't repeat all over again.

You were there for her when she needed you, it wasn't your job but you were there. It was never your job to jump in the middle of her relationship to beat seven shades of s**t out of her abuser. That would have made things worse and could have landed you in prison where you'd have been no help to her if she hadn't gained the courage to get away.

Give yourself a break and remember that you did all the right things. You're a good person, most people are too scared to do anything at all.

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 10:42 am

Jay, you are a dear and I hope everything works out. Wink

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 26 Sep 2008 Posts: 689

It's far far easier to walk away from these situations than to even be slightly involved, the abused person doesn't want to know about taking postive action ... leaving or getting the police involved. So just being there and being able to comfort and give (albeit mostly unheaded) advice makes you a star.

We (the better half mostly) have a friend who went through a period of abuse ... not going into details ... with the guy she'd left her gentle, kind but boring long time husband* for. Getting her out of that hell was a total nightmare, she got herself out of there in the end and has been out for over a year ... but still loves the scumbag FSOaB!!!

*A Baggies fan ... real nice guy but a Baggies fan! (You would leave to, wouldn't you?) BTW - he's also a friend and she's back living with him as a temporary lodger.

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 11:46 pm

Coward?Nope,not you.I figure you are kicking yourself in the tail for not confronting the bastard and maybe roughing him up a little?Wouldn't have made the slightest difference,and might have made it worse.Again this is personal experience.She ran away one night,and I got a motel room for her.By herself,I went home.Big bad hubby showed up at my house-he knew where the support system was.We never came to blows,but I did inform him exactly what I thought of him(also questioned his relationship with various farm animals,certain physical shortcomings-you can fill in the blanks).I have to admit I was scared as hell about where it might go,but seriously thought about swinging at him.He stomped off(fighting with a man was likely a scary thought to him).Once they got back together,it was that much worse,because in his mindset the fact that you help someone out of compassion and common descency was impossible.She must have been giving me something in his eyes.Very much like I have read that lads understand that there are baiters,but they have no clue why we do it.Any physical confrontation you may have had would be taken out on her at a later date,and you might be in jail and unable to help.All you can do in a situation like that is be there when the bottom drops out,and when she finally summons the courage to get out,offer the support you can.I know,inside you figure if you pounded the crap out of the asshole everything would be cool,but this is real life,not a movie.
A coward would have looked the other way.You did what you could under difficult circumstances.If you need to talk this out go ahead and PM me,I know it ain't easy.

Posted: Sat May 30, 2009 12:15 pm

It's frustrating but battered women have to remain untraceable and uncontactable for a very good reason. Their abusers are often VERY clever at tracking them down. If you have the name of the cop who's dealing with this case my suggestion is to ask him/her to pass on your good wishes and leave it at that. Once the court case is over and your friend can hopefully see some light at the end of the tunnel I'm sure she will contact you if she can. I know you are concerned but at the moment she is probably terrified and focussed on her own personal wellbeing and survival and if she's been the victim of domestic violence this is probably the first time she has put her own needs first and it's a new experience for her. Good luck.

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

Thanks for all your advice, I went to her mums and had a chat with her mum, I was handed a phone number (an 0871 number) which I can call her on, and her mum handed me a letter from her.

been a long two months of no contact (Ive been trying) but today was the best day ever. I'm being sent a form so I can go visit some location but need to provide a CRB (Is that the same one I obtained when working on the railways) and a copy of my passport.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Thats good news Jay

They may accept your CRB from the job, I reaslly cant say though. There may be a fee involved as well, we had to fork out for hubby and son1 to get SCRO ( Scottish equivalent )

numbers to call?
froms to fill in?
fes to be paid?
hmm , where have I heard that before?

Just joking, Jay, I wish you the best of luck
And many good wishes to your friend

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 3:50 am

Jay,

I agree with what everyone above has said and emphasize this..... you are a true FRIEND.

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

Thanks everyone

They accepted my CRB (The one Network rail/my employer made me get) aslong as I presented it with my current railway ID. Because it was enhanced or something

Saw her today, she kind off looked frail until she hugged me and told me all the gossip (We made a rule not to talk about that for the exception of some witness intimidation before she was taken into the refuge) and we went out for lunch. (Cost me £30 to see her as she didn't have any money). Feeling loads better she said she felt better just seeing a face she knew and could trust, She wanted to know about work in boring detail, even told her that I had N N N onboard and she was Very Happy

when I was telling her. Seeing her Wednesday she needs some new clothes and I'll sub her the money.

I really want to smash this guys face in I mean even putting him under a train is too good for this scum, Even what Nurse Nasty makes the lads do is too good for him, I know I can't but I want to, So some lads will have pain inflicted upon them.

419Eater is my life Joined: 29 Oct 2005 Posts: 266

Hi Jay,
I dont like to post much but I had to unlurk to tell you that I know how you feel.
Ive been in the same place as you are/have been.
You have done the best you or anyone could have done for her.You wont realise this until some idle Saturday in a couple years time when she is standing on her feet and demands that she pays for lunch.

Her ex-partner is past.He deserves to stay there.Any anger you have for him does not affect him in the slightest.Any anger you have for him becomes your burden.Revenge for how he treated your friend wont satisfy you.You can trust me on that.

I am glad for you that you have contact again but remember,it is now all about her.

Well done (ya feckin hero Wink

)

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 8:47 pm

I used to be a cop and have had women with faces like mince begging me not to arrest their abuser. As has been said you have nothing to be ashamed about, like all these situations the victim has to wise up to what is happening before they can begin to move on. It's very like a lad and his victim, the abuser and lad both use all sorts of psychological shit to maintain their control and while their victim is under that nothing on this Earth will persuade them that what the abuser/lad is doing is wrong.

And in answer to your first question...no you will not be able to trace her, even the police probably don't know her real location as victims are often moved from safe house to safe house to make it more difficult to trace them. Women's refuges are there to keep women safe and secrecy is the best way to keep her and her abuser separated until such times as he is unable to get to her. It isn't the first time a woman in this situation has been murdered to keep her from giving evidence.

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

I am not a hero or anything.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Wow that was quick from no contact to meeting
Well done Jay

and a big hug for being modest

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

its been two/three months of no contact and all I had to do was go contact her mum who would have given the forms and a phone number, basicallly my fault

Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:43 am

Fungus wrote:

Quote:

I used to be a cop and have had women with faces like mince begging me not to arrest their abuser.

How true.
We can protect a person from anyone..... but themselves.

Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 3:57 am

@ Jay: HEY DUFUS--YOU ARE A HERO!! remember,my friend, you were there when she needed you (end of discussion on that subject Very Happy

) Like Fungus, I too worked in LEO(armed security officer w/powers) and can concur in his statements. Out of all the 18.5 yrs. that I worked the street, all the physical abuse that I saw and interceded in----ONLY ONCE did I have a success in stopping the abuse. Mexican Male( proven by his ID--possibly forged, Dunno) beating hell out of his wife. I ID'D as special Deputy, he didn't stop. His nina (2 yrs old) begged him to not hurt mama and He backhanded her w/full male swing. I fucking lost it. I beat the shit out of him and put him COMPLETELY through a double layer of drywall into the next room. Thank the Good Lord Above, my partner stopped me and that took some effort on his part. Once I got my sh*t together, I made sure that he understood what would happen to him if I found out that he hit or hurt either one of them again and that I would check on them daily. Won't tell you what and how I explained to him. 5th amendment Embarassed

. I did check on them--for 10months--every day. After 3 months of checking and his behaving, I then started talking to him and finally got him (and her) into consuling (sp?). Let me tell you and anyone that wants to hear, I was ashamed of my behavior. for the lost of professionalism and loosing it like that. I have always been better than that. It was the hitting the nina (I don't have accent marks). I seen to many dead babies. By the Grace of God, I didn't get reprimanded or jail. He probably was an Illegal. Hey Jay--DON'T feel bad about not getting physical. End of story Sad

ETA: I still see that child getting hit---and I still cry remembering it.

Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:10 am

@Jay.

Although I agree that you're a prick, it has absolutely nothing to do with what you've done in this instance. Laughing

Been there, seen it, done it, dude.
Ask any copper which call-outs are amongst the most difficult ones to attend and they'll tell you domestic abuse.
You can turn up and the wife will be adamant that she wants out and that she wants to press charges yet as soon as you walk out of the house, she'll run back to the abuser and just carry on getting beaten. This can go on for years and sometimes doesn't stop until the woman is either put in hospital or is dead.

You've managed to help put her in a safe place.
You can't run this woman's life, but you have helped her in taking a major step on the road to getting it back.
And once she's out, it is unlikely that she will go back. Abuse is like a cloud that you get so used to living under, you forget that there is a sun. But once you see that sun, you don't want to go back under the cloud.

It's easy to beat yourself up and say "I could have done more" but believe me, you've done a lot more than most professionals could have done in your place.

Maybe a hero. Still a wanker.

Good job, dude. Wink

BTW. As for the husband? Leave it. It's simply not worth getting into trouble with the law over. And believe me, he'll be paying. He's lost his power over her - that will be hitting him hard every second of the day.
Maybe not as painful as we'd all like, but maybe it's some small consolation to you.

Elite Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 1407

Im not sure of the law in the UK, but for the most part in the US now, there is an "arrest on report or suspicion" or abuse.

Meaning, if a police officer responds to a domestic dispute call, and there is evidence of abuse, ie brusing, pre-bruising (redness, swelling), blood, it triggers an automatic arrest of the abuser. It doesn't matter if the other party denies the abuse, or states that they will not press charges.

The other party is generally either looked over by EMT's, taken to the hospital, and in some forward looking areas referred to or seen by volunteers from abuse shelters.

It is NOT a perfect system, but it is a step in the right direction for victims who previously felt there was no hope or way to get out.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 26 Sep 2008 Posts: 689

That's not so much different to here ... at the end of the day the injured party has to press charges against the abuser. All the police can do is mark the abusers card so they know where they stand.

The abused party can't be forced into anything they don't thik they need. They've got to want it and then hope the help is there for them.

All we can hope for is that one day the abuser will get his just desserts.