Can anyone here help?

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train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

I have a friend who through being a victim of domestic violence has been taken into a refuge, and through one thing and another her phone number is dead (assuming thats a requirement) and no one knows where she is, I know she was being dealt with By Bolton (UK) council and was in temporary accomodation near the uni.

My question is, is there anyway I can track her down, it feels like a bit of me has died loosing contact, If anyone can give advice or how to go about it I would be eternally greatful (and maybe if I find her based on your advice I'll throw in some Advance Virgin Trains tickets)

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 8:37 pm

I know she's your friend but there's a part of me that hopes you can't track her down...which would mean a stalker or abusive partner couldn't either.

Elite Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 1407

Mr. Leno,

While I appreciate your concern for your friend, there is a reason you can't "track" her down. In the US we call it "Stalking". The shelters that she has gone to (BTW, I support my local Woman's Shelter via donations of clothing, and other items my wife saves for them) are very adept at keeping them protected.

While you wish her well, there are others that wish her far worse (hence her being there). Just wait it out. When the time is right, she may/will contact you. For now, it's probably better that she not.

It is nice that you are worried for your friend. But there are reasons why it is difficult to "track" someone that has been abused and entered a shelter. It wouldn't make much sence for anyone to just look her up. Particularly the person that is abusing her.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

My advice
If she's a victim of domestic violence and doesn't want to be found then there may a be good reason she wishes to remain in hiding
Wait til she gets in touch
You could always let social services know you are concerned and thay may pass it on
BUT
if you found out how to trace her so could a violent ex partner

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 8:40 pm

Jay, I'm sorry your friend has had to go into a shelter. I've had friends who've been in similar situations.

Unfortunately, if the shelter is any good, they would stonewall anyone trying to contact a person who has taken refuge there, unless that person has given their permission to be contacted by a specific friend.

Your friend will need to tell them you're OK - but if she doesn't know you want to be sure she's all right, I'm afraid she's behind a strong firewall.

Do you know anyone else who knows her or is related to her? They might have some contact or information.

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

Im not trying to kill her, stalk her or anything, I just want to know she is ok, Maybe she won't ever get in touch and i'll go on in life wondering.

Thanks for your help anyway

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 8:48 pm

I hope your friend is well, and you should rest assured that she is in good hands if she is with a protective group shelter for battered women as they are termed in the U.S. When she is more sure of herself I am sure she will contact you, it sounds like you were close?

By the by, has anyone made sure the person who abused her has received his free wooden shampoo? No use in this world for those types.

Elite Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 1407

Jay leno wrote:

Im not trying to kill her, stalk her or anything, I just want to know she is ok, Maybe she won't ever get in touch and i'll go on in life wondering.

Thanks for your help anyway

Thats the rub Mr. Leno. The shelter has to operate under the presumption of guilt for anyone "looking" for someone in the shelter. Where I drop off stuff for the shelter in my town, they have a security camera, bullet proof glass, and a solid core door with hefty locks. It's not for my protection either.

You may never know her status. But going to one of those shelters takes a lot of guts, and most likely some pretty horrific treatment at the hands of her abuser before she sought help.

You should be happy that she sought help. Often they don't until it is too late and they are dead.

Just pray for her if that's your bag, otherwise think good thoughts for her.

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

The court case is soon and the police needed some text messages from my phone as evidence.

I guess I'll write to her mum and ask her to pass my regards on, Its hard for me to work coming into Bolton station as I know she was previously in that area. ahh maybe one day

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

^
Thats probably the best idea, Jay
I know it must be frustrating but it is possible she has lost or had to leave behind address and phone numbers for friends
Her phone may no longer be in use if she was being harrassed.

You could write to her mum, include an email addy or phone number, then sit back and wait.
Or if there's a court case there may be liason officer who may pass on a message

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

I am going to do that (But when she needed money before or something she knew my number then), and take it one day at a time coming to terms with if she don't contact me I know where I stand.

Cheers for your help

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 9:33 pm

Just a thought Jay, if the police require the text messages from you phone, they should be aware of where she is. You try asking them to pass a message or they may be able to reassure you of her well being.

A sort of relative (its a long story - unofficial adoption etc) on my good lady was taken into care due to a drug-fuelled ex partner and his violence towards her. All her family was told was that she had been moved to a "safe house" and was well. Even after the ex had been arrested they were not allowed access to her, that happened only after he was jailed.

I do hope everything works out for your friend.

Elite Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 1407

Don't be too hard on yourself, or her. Like I said, it is a monumental decision for women to seek shelter from abusers. In all likelyhood your kindness in the past helped her realize what an impossible situation she was living in.

She probably right now is dealing with issues that frankly are greater than her/your need to be in touch at the moment. You sound like a good friend. Think positve thoughts.

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

My phone was actually seized and work had to provide another, I got a card for the police officer maybe I can ask?

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 9:48 pm

leave a message with the police seems a good idea but remeber she still has to go through the difficulty of seeing her ex in court . she may not reply to it . as tastysnack says she may be worried about more then talking to you at this time . no refelection on your behavour jay .

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

So I should play it if she gets in contact she does, else just wish her well and drop it?

EDIT: I know she has alot to face but up until recently we have been talking alot and Ive been helping her, when shes had a nightmare Ive answered her call when I've been on an early start, Just sat with her when she wanted someone to be there Paid the baliffs off when they come knocking I'm not after her for sex or anything, I've known her all my life I am miffed thats all.

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 10:14 pm

@Leno

The only avenue I can think of is her family perhaps. If she's in contact with any of them, they could pass along a message for you.
Other than that you will probably just have to wait for her to recover enough and contact you.

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 10:15 pm

Normally I'd think the mum is the best route. If you know the mum and she knows and likes you, and she stays in contact with her daughter, you can be pretty sure the daughter will at least be aware that you're thinking of her. You might even get an answer via the mum, which is usually more than the police like to do.

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 11:49 pm

@Jay Leno-sorry to say been there,done that.There was a lady I was very close friends with for many years.Took up with a series of abusers sorry to say.I picked her up from more godforsaken places(once driving 180 miles one direction to do so),paid for more cab fare,bought food because she had a baby and his beer was more important,etc etc.She finally got the courage to drop the last one and start over.It's something that men just don't understand,I know I sure didn't.As many have pointed out to you,if you can find her the abuser can,and believe me they will try.It is a power trip thing with them,and something the do not give up on lightly,because I have found every last one to be a coward.
Getting a message through the mother is likely the best idea.Don't be to taken aback if you don't hear from her.Rebuilding a life is a very major undertaking.I know exactly where you are coming from,and I feel for you my friend,but you have to let go and see what happens.Just pray she can build something better.
Also,give yourself a pat on the back for being there when a bunch of others were not,and just looked the other way.

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 12:03 am

^Amen, brother

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 12:11 am

Jay leno, you are a hero, and you deserve to be celebrated as such.

About 35 years ago in the USA, when there was not yet any such thing as a network of "women's shelters," I tried in my own inexperienced way to help a fellow graduate student escape from her abusive husband. She came to lunch with me, just an ordinary lunch appointment which we had scheduled for simple companionship, and said "I am running away from home." Which struck me as almost funny, because it sounds like what a young rebellious child would say -- except that she had been bound to a chair the entire previous night by an obsessively jealous husband. She had nothing but the clothes on her back and whatever was in her purse, nothing more.

I drove her to a place which we thought she might be safe for a while, helped by acquaintances who -- we pretty sure -- could not be traced by her husband.
Spent the last dollars in my wallet buying food for the next few days. Got her the phone number of an attorney.

I didn't hear from her again for another ten years . . . until a group of my students were at a conference where she was in attendance.
She was living in a far-off state by then, and she asked them to bring me a message: "Your teacher was my hero at a time when I thought I would never be safe again.
I am safe and happy now, and please convey my thanks."

Your friend is in crisis now, and I think that you've gotten exceptional advice on this thread. Allow her to find you in her own good time.
And know that if she appears to be hiding from YOU, it is only because she needs to be safe from being discovered by the other guy!

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Jay leno wrote:

So I should play it if she gets in contact she does, else just wish her well and drop it?

Yes, she is in combat. I am an Army vet and I see this as the equivalent to being in a bunker.

She will contact you if she can, otherwise let her sort things in the safety of the shelter.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 26 Sep 2008 Posts: 689

Try here .... http://www.bwafortalice.org.uk/ I'll let you explore the website

You may at least be able to pass on a sympathetic message and let her know you care. Whether you get a response or not is something else.

Star man Mr Jay Leno, star man!

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

Why am I a star man? I could have stopped it, One time she rang and I heard her getting slapped around I went up (after calling 999) and she denied it, She was showing me bruises I should have done more, I am no star man I am a coward

@doc holliday That strikes home with me so much its uncanny

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

No Jay you couldn't have stopped it
SHE needed to leave and take a stand herself.
SHE needed to admit to herself there was abuse and not deny it
SHE needed to break free of the control

if you'd swung for the abuser you'd be the one in trouble, probably in jail with you friend testifying against you