Rankl3 Jon3s: The Golfer - a lad production

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Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 1:26 pm

Oh, I wish I could get a lad like this! All of mine seem to have wandered off. This is a prize gem you have here. I am howling with laughter!

Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 1:58 pm

Well, this is one tough Lad, so there may be multiple assistants required.

NOTE: This is Worf's bait, not mine, I'm just trying to handle the script angle.

From my corner, I am hoping the Lad will:

a) spend hours reformatting the script, or, being lazy;

b) hand it over to Niall de Mentia, in which case I will have enormous fun b*ggering around with it and making most of his macho characters gay.

Generally, if we can hook this Lad even closer, I'd love to get him over to Malabo to help work on the script of 'Big Bang', the Schwarzenegger/Van Damme vehicle that Niall de Mentia will shortly be on location with.

The pay is a lousy US$2000 a day, but an unknown writer like himself might be tempted.....

419Eater is my life Joined: 15 Apr 2009 Posts: 296

Someone started a topic asking "what would be the ultimate trophy?"... it's this, isn't it? Rankle Jones acted out by a bunch of lads? I can't really see how that could be topped.

The script alone fills me with great thrill. I hope you guys can pull this off without pinching your puddings.

Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 9:08 pm

This just in:

Quote:

Yeah! Dr. Co1bert rightly told about contacting you in respect of the scenes that we need your involvement. Please bear with us as we are putting things straight.

Reply:

Quote:

Dr Co1bert did explain that the script was a work in progress, but suggested that I resolve my concerns about the proposed hardware.
If the script retains the attack helicopters, they'll have to be altered.

Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 10:46 pm

Wright B Hindyou wrote:

Well, this is one tough Lad, so there may be multiple assistants required.

NOTE: This is Worf's bait, not mine, I'm just trying to handle the script angle.
.

If anyone has a lad they know who dreams of acting, feel free to try to rope him into this Laughing

. I've had a few nibbles, but no luck so far in finding a lad willing to stick with the acting part.

I thought Kele would be up for it, but he stopped writing me out of the blue Sad

I'd also like to note that all of the scene excerpts that Wright has posted are all brand new stuff from Emmanuel. None of it was in the original version of Rankl3 Jon3s - I love that Laughing

Quote:

Dear Dr. Colbert,
I love doing the first thing first, and that is you making a trip or I do so. I am not afraid who come to partner me in this project because I know it will hold its aesthetics whether in Hollywood, Nollywood, Bollywood or elsewere.
You are delaying everything because I still keep to my stand, which is true state of doing things.
Have you visualised the abstract for ones, going beyound the ordinary? You waist time because I am having a strong spirit of working with you, but I don't think you understand. You don't play with a golden egg, okay!
Please get across to Mr. Malcolm with the production detail.
I sent Mr. De Mentia just 6 pages for him to take a look out of over 130 pages work.
Let us talk, so send me your phone number. You are making things difficult. I work base on trust and so keep the atmosphere on the right plat form.
PRODUCER
Mr. Onyema Emmanuel.

Quote:

Dear Dr. Colbert,

Mr. De Mentia has told what to do regarding the format he want the script to be. I have written to Captain Malcolm too. You are the only delay to this project, as I can see the people you contacted are ready and willing to work with us earnestly but just for you to make a trip, you are dragging feet, ok let me make a trip, no comment from you, what do you have to say about the advert space, no comment, make a phone call or let me have your phone number so I can give you a call, no way. Then which way?

If you can't give me a call within 48hours from now and your flight schedule, then you have to simply back out, okay! Check those that invested in stock market in America and the very few that invested in gold and check their economic stand today.

I have willing source of getting my work produced before this year runs out, a Telecommunication Gaint and a Cable Network Station.

The choice is yours.

I have done my primary work of getting the shooting location and the needed Nigeria casting crew in place.

Quote:

Dear Emmanuel,

That is great that you have finally gotten the ball rolling with Mr. de Mentia and Captain Mal. I feel much better about this project already.

Apologies for not replying to your e-mail sooner, but my secretary has apparently passed on her illness to me. I have a fever, headache, nausea and diarrhea! Oh man, I really feel like crap.

You can call my Bingamton office at +1 *** ***

But please don't call me until tomorrow when I hopefully will feel better.

Later,
Stephen

Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 1:14 am

Signs of tension from our Lad this morning, but his self-confidence is still firing on all cylinders.

Quote:

Dear Mr. De Mentia,

The power and thrilling aspect of the script in not close to what I sent you. You appreciate the scenes of just minor conversation. Well many thanks. My so call SCENE A is half with you.

I will work on it using that format but the delay is with Dr. Colbert because he is not ready to make a trip and also not ready for me to make the trip either. I will offer to come and work it out with your in-house resources, if you are ready for me too.

Novels are also acted, don't you think so?

I wonder working with people I can't interact with in a project of high magnititude. You don't make a call neither do you include your phone number for someone to call. Is there any fucking law to that? Things are not done in that way. Lets work with integrity.

Regards.
PRODUCER
Mr. Onyema Emmanuel.

de Mentia dislikes his tone.

Quote:

Dear Emmanuel,

Please don't swear at me, it's unnecessary and so, so rude.

What I meant about the script formatting is this. Either you can do the reformatting work yourself, or we would run the script through a computer program over at Pixar (where I have a dear, dear friend) called Magenta which is capable of doing this work automatically. That's why I suggested you send me the script, but if you prefer to format it yourself, that's fine.

Whatever arrangements you and Stevie have come to over the production that's fine, I don't need to know about that. I am just concerend about getting your script waxed and polished into a form where we can start to move ahead. Without a proper script we are blocked and are bound to encounter silly delays.

So, dear Emmanuel, please hurry up and decide what you want to do with the script.

Warmly yours,

Niall de Mentia.

Trophy Videos · Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 6:34 pm

I love this thread! This guy is a real nutcase. I hope you can break his ego down enough to get some more great stuff out of him. Very Happy

Posted: Tue May 26, 2009 9:18 pm

Emmanuel seems to be in a better mood this week:

Quote:

Dear Dr. Colbert,
I will get back to you within the week, I am so tired after much work, here and there concerning the production.
I will need an update concerning the casting crew in place.
I hope you are getting better health wise and also Shelly your secretary.
Get across to Captain Malcolm that he is vitally important to this project, we need him. Mr. De Mentia is equally very important as we are making a gold field what it should be for the aesthetics to get the needed world attention.
PRODUCER
Mr. Emmanuel

Quote:

Dear Emmanuel,

Thank you for your concern. I'm feeling a bit better - I'm back eating solid food now. Shelly, however, is still home sick.

Captain Mal and Mr. de Mentia both now they are important, they are professionals. While I continue my recuperation, I urge you to do everything they ask of you.

As far as casting goes, I have not heard back from the actor picked to play Ray in some time. As you know, actors are notoriously flighty and it is very hard to get them to commit to some projects. It seems they don't even want to work sometimes!

The good news is that I have a promising new actor who is interested in this project. He even has experience, once acting on a Malaysian sitcom. His name is Najib and I will encourage him about our project. He may be the Jones that we have looked for for so long.

Sincerely,
Stephen

That last part is totally true, btw. It seems a lad at Halliburton Oil & Gas (Malaysian division) has had some acting experience.

Quote:

fink im interested. How is it gonna be?

Najib Mohammed

Quote:

Dear Najib,

Excellent! I would assume then that you have some acting experience?

Sincerely,
Stephen

Quote:

Yea...been in a malaysian sitcom.

najib

Quote:

Interesting.

Which one?
-Stephen

Trophy Videos · Posted: Tue May 26, 2009 10:04 pm

Hey, Worf, that's our boi! Sleepy and mine from the Audio thread. Laughing

I'm glad to see you have snagged a quality stump to be in your production! Best of luck with the lad, and your bait! Very Happy

Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 1:12 am

Lad wrote:

Quote:

I am so tired after much work, here and there concerning the production.

He couldn't be formatting it properly... could he? Very Happy

Trophy Videos · Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 2:09 pm

Work? This lad doesn't do much work! But let's hope you guys can change his lazy attitude. Very Happy

Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 4:09 pm

It's good to know Najib has been around the baiting block before Laughing

The sitcom he claims to have been in -

Quote:

"Baba Nyonya” Do you know it?

Can't say that I do.

Quote:

Dear Najib,

No, I am not familiar with "Baba Nyonya", but I will look it up.

I am glad to have an experienced actor for the production of "Rankl3 Jon3s". We have been searching quite a while for just the right person.

Right now, we are looking to fill three roles:
"Jones" - An aspiring golfer who longs to become the next Tiger Woods. However he falls in with a drug gang and has many family problems which get in his way.

"Ray" - Jones's brother. Ray has a good life but can not seem to help but be miserable. He resents Jones and argues with him constantly. He is also very passive agressive towards his mother, for reasons only known to himself.

"Kenny" - The father of Jones and Ray. Jones inadvertently kills him at the end of the film, it is very sad.

Which of these roles would you be interested in?

Sincerely,
Stephen

It always gives me a kick when I try to summarize the plot of this movie to other lads Laughing

eta: Oh no, it seems Najib's e-mail is not working anymore. My last message bounced back Sad

. I hope he contacts me again.

Trophy Videos · Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 5:05 pm

Worf, if you want me to call the lad for you if he doesn't write back, just let me know, eh? Very Happy

Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 9:06 pm

Meh - he says that Captain Mal is important, but he sure as hell doesn't back it up by writing to him...

Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 12:34 pm

Slaphappy, yes if you could call Najib, I'd appreciate it Smile

Trophy Videos · Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 5:14 pm

Worf, I called the lad for you, as D@na Scu11y, your secretary. He's such an idiot, and his phoneline skips and drops out. Hopefully, he got the message to make up a new email addy for himself and email Steph3n C0lb3rt right away. Audio coming soon.... Smile

Edit: Audio of the call: http://www.4shared.com/file/108380678/382a11c/najibmohammednewemail.html

419Eater is my life Joined: 07 Apr 2006 Posts: 441

Sounds like he's been smoking some bad stuff.

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 11:43 pm

Wow, my secretary is very forceful! Laughing

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 8:51 am

He's written back to Mal at last:

Quote:

Thanks for your readiness to work with us in this production. We will kick off soonest as I finalise few issues with my partner Dr. C01bert.
Your experience is highly need in this movie as you have a lot of input of your wealth of experince to make. The script retain the attacker helicopters.
Bear with us, okay!
Will you be able to make a trip with Dr. C01bert? If yes that will be great as you will see too for yourself the need for every equipments I have mentioned earlier.
Once Dr. C01bert make his trip then the project start off earnestly.

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 9:51 am

The more this Lad maintains his supercilious attitude, the more I want to see him highly stredded in hash conditions.

After, of course, I have ruined his day by turning this film into a musical (after all, Hollywood needs some uplifting in these tough times).

SCENE 14
Rankle shanks his tee shot into a clump of firs. DORIS DAY emerges from the trees with his ball, singing "Oh what a beautiful morrr-ning, oh what a beautiful day!", and all the caddies join in dancing the chorus as Belgian attack helicopters swoop overhead and strafe the green.

That sort of thing.

EDIT: He wrote me another short brush-off, and I replied in kind. If he keeps this up for much longer, I have an evil plan to light a fire under him. Let's see how the next few days go.

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 11:50 am

Mal's latest reply:

Quote:

Dr C01bert hasn't yet asked me to accompany him. That's still undecided I think.
The matter of the gunships remains one of contention. As written, the helicopter cannot be Apaches or Apache-types, as I have noted. According to my sources, however, Mi-24 Hind attack helicopters are used in Nigeria; could you obtain the use of same?
Please respond.

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 1:43 pm

I'll put my plan out there now, so others can comment.

C Niall de Mentia has 6 pages of the Rankle Jones script, and suddenly realises that one of the scenes ( Rolling Eyes

) would be perfect to slot into a gap which has embarrassingly emerged in 'Big Bang', the $100-million-dollar Hollywood Schwarzenegger/van Damme/Zellweger blockbuster which C Niall is currently working on as chief script doctor.

It may be that Colbert has discovered that C Niall is plagiarising material, it may be that C Niall himself informs the Lad "who I'm sure won't mind as we're going to be working so closely together in future". I 'm hoping the Lad will go ballistic if we handle this right.

Eventually, to redress the situation, we could offer the Lad a script position on the 'Big Bang' location shooting at a measly $2,000 a day in Malabo.

I think we need to seriously kick this Lad into action. The only thing he seems truly confident of is the quality of his 'script', so, let's attack him in that weak point. I can easily create a bogus 'scene' ripped off from Rankle Jones Very Happy

Thoughts?

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 1:51 pm

@Wright - I like your idea. Make him think others are "stealing" his script, and you are out to protect his interests. He might even be cast as the main script-writer! And you can make sure that his utterences (they really can't be called a proper script, can they?) will be "Paramount!" Very Happy

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 2:04 pm

Scenario 1: (sorry, but we're being Hollywood today)
C Niall needs to be painted as the bad guy doing the plagiarising, and Colbert/Mal can be in the Lad's corner

Scenario 2:
Plenty of Hollywood people have seen the Lad's work and want to rip it off, but C Niall holds them at bay, and fobs them off with a single scene, with the guarantee of per-diem riches for the Lad to follow.

Anything that will get this asshat onto a boat to Malabo... Twisted Evil

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 2:58 pm

I just had a thought, related to the movie business, specifically my fake movie in this bait: 'Big Bang'.

If we were to set up a web site at bigbangmovie dot com, would it not be easy to safari hundreds of Lads to take part in the final fight scene, or for ethnic singing and dancing throughout the movie?

I have a forgiving Web host (which is also cheap), it would just need somebody to do the design. We'd even get official-sounding e-mail addys.

Even Westerners these days spend most of their time trying to become famous (Big Brother, How to be Humiliated etc), so I can see enormous potential to lure queues of scammers to line up at the casting centre, which should be in some horrible remote town, I personally favour Malabo, as it involves a boat ride, and the locals are famously xenophobic.

Auditions would of course be preceded by the applicants submitting videos...... Razz

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