Rankl3 Jon3s: The Golfer - a lad production

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Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 1:16 am

Quote:

I have communicated Mr. De Mentia.

Nope, not true.

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 12:54 pm

Time for a slap then:

Quote:

Dear Mr. Emmanuel,

I spoke with Mr. de Mentia this morning and he said you have not contacted him. I do not appreciate being lied to. This is a very important project. I am running around, trying to make travel plans, trying to get everything together so we can travel this month - and you are not holding up your end of the problem.

Mr. Nelson wants script revisions and that is very important. He is very angry that you do not want to work with Mr. de Mentia. I advise you to contact him at once!

Sincerely,
Stephen

Kele, the lad playing Ray, was out of town (or so he says). That's why he didn't answer his phone.

Quote:

Good day sir,

I travelled before so i guest thats why u cld not get me on mobile.This number should be going now.+234-***. then my cousins number is +234-****.I believe i have a vital roll to play as per location in my home country and also in this coming up project.

Thanks alot for your consideration and God bless you more and more.

Kele

Quote:

Dear Kele,

Unfortunately my secretary once again called in sick. I would call you, but I have a very important meeting with Emmanuel the script writer this evening. We are going through some troubles with the re-write. Nothing to worry about, these things always happen.

In the meantime, Emmanuel has requested your picture and resume. I told him of your poetry and song writing, so he is eager to see examples of those. It would be great if I could have those by 7 p.m. EST so I can bring them to our meeting.

Cheers,
Stephen

P.S. I will try to have one of my staff contact you tomorrow. I hope my secretary doesn't have the swine flu. That would be bad.

If anyone wants to call Kele as one of my "staff", pm me and I'll send you the number. Real life has gotten hectic again and I don't think I'll be able to make any lad calls until the weekend.

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 1:02 pm

This is tooooooo funny!! I hope it makes its way to film.... I imagine a Youtube sensation, going viral, overnight.

Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 4:35 am

Please keep us updated! This is great!

419Eater is my life Joined: 20 Jan 2009 Posts: 445

Amazing work. People are wondering why I'm laughing to myself Very Happy

Quote:

Jones: Return his fucking slap to him!

Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 12:47 pm

Yastreb has been hired as the film's military technical advisor, expert on all things that go boom!

Quote:

Dear Emmanuel,

I have hired a technical advisor to help you with the helicopter, hovercraft, and other military scenes in the script to make them more realistic.

His name is Captain Mal and his has worked on many action film projects before.

Remember to also reply to Mr. de Mentia. I am still searching for an actor for Jones and Kenny. I will look at Virgin Airlines flights to Nigeria and see if they can handle all of the cargo and crew.

--
Yours in Truthiness,
Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

Unfortunately, we've had to let Robert Nelson go Sad

Quote:

Dear Robert,

I have not heard from you, so I can only assume you are dropping out of this project. Did you even try to look up who I am? I am very famous!

I am very sorry about your decision, but I guess you can't trust anyone on the internet these days. Your decision has put our project back a few days, but I am sure I will be able to get someone else to co-produce this project.

Just remember, when you see "Rankl3 Jon3s: The Golfer" in a theater near you, you could have been a part of it but you chose not to.

Sincerely,
Stephen

I think we'll still use his name though Wink

Quote:

Dear Dr. Colbert,
Good both of us are working round the clock to ensure the anticipated global success of this aesthetic movie "a must watch" is realized. I appreciate your efforts towards this inspirational work.
I am checking out River Niger border axes of Delta and Anambra State, for us to choice from in the drug cartel scenes, as I have checked the Kwale axes of the branch of River Niger too. The choice of that location will depend on Captain Mal's view.
I have pencil some casting crew over here. I will work with mostly direct cast as I am waiting for your trip to know the casting crew you are able to come up with, as that will enable me audition casting crew here for the remaining roles available.
Please convince Captain Mal to join our production crew as I look forward to working with him earnestly.
How is Mr. Robert Nelson? I hope he is keeping in touch with you and working towards securing the actors for the roles of Jones and Kenny.
I hope Mr. Kele "Ray" is also keeping in touch with you? I need to have him send his resume.
What have to say about the advert space for the production?
Your secretary's phone number is not connecting. You can let me have yours.
I need to speak with Captain Mal, so you can let him have my phone number, as I look forward to speaking with him.
Do not entertain any fear as to the script because I have taken good care of the edition of it, so the script is fully ready. Many thanks to Mr. De Mentia for his willingness to work with us.
It will be a good news if Virgin Airlines flights to Nigeria can handle all of the cargo and crew.

Thanks for your update.

PRODUCER
Mr. Onyema Emmanuel

I wonder if I should tell him Robert Nelson thinks this is a scam?

Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 8:59 pm

Captain Mal has misgivings about the Apaches:

Quote:

My name is Ma1co1m Reyno1ds, though you may have heard of me (from Mr Co1bert) as Captain Mal. I have been retained as technical advisor for R4nkle J0nes - the G0lfer with the specialist field of weapons and military aspects.

I have been shown the script in order to comment on the parts requiring weapons and specialist vehicles. My first concern is the requirement for "4 Apache helicopters".

The script refers to three men travelling in each helicopter ("Fernand0 flies number 2 of the Apache helicopter with Trev0r and Ke1vin" and "D4nny flies number 1 of the Apache helicopter with M4rcus and T3rry"). So the requirement would be for two, not four.

The Apache is a dedicated attack helicopter with no passenger capability. Furthermore, it is not, to the best of my knowledge, used by any nation in the Third World. It would not be available to any film production of this type. Attempting to visually modify an existing helicopter (as was done to Pumas and Gazelles for Rambo; First Blood Part III) would be possible; however, gicen that the script does not call for the helicopters to stage any form of attack run, this is not required.

My suggestion is that the helicopters be changed to Hughes M-500s or Bell Jetrangers, which are both appropriate and readily available worldwide.

Please respond. Other issues will be addressed in later communications.

I think that (spurious) detail should convince him...

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

Quote:

Jones: Enough of your fuck! Nutty angel!

Posted: Fri May 08, 2009 3:07 pm

Quote:

Dear Emmanuel,

I have some good news and some bad news.

Captain Mal has signed on to help and he should be e-mailing you very soon.

The bad news is that Robert Nelson has pulled out of the production because his wife "told him this was a scam." I really don't know what his problem is, but he seems to be ignoring my efforts to contact him now. Do you have any suggestions as how to prove to him that we are legitimate?

I have sent out more open casting calls for the roles of Kenny, Jones, and Cassandra. I will talk to Kele this weekend.

Have you responded back yet to Mr. de Mentia?

Cheers,
Stephen

Posted: Fri May 08, 2009 9:46 pm

He hasn't got back to Captain Mal yet. I hope the detail didn't overwhelm him!

Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 3:19 pm

Quote:

Dear Dr. Colbert,
It is nice that Captain Mal has signed in to help us.

Without a discovery of gold field, it remain an ordinary field but when a discovery is made, then the world clamour for the product of that field. I will offer to make a trip to New Jersey, if you are ready for me to do that as that will put to an end any fear and the thrill of the script will not allow you a week of hesistation. I have my script with me, so there is no fear whatsoever. You have a little of the script with you which you should have given to him to let him know I am not for a child's play. If Robert Nelson fail to continue with us, then I wish him good luck pending when he sees the success of his rejection make an history in the global movie industry.
I don't blame him, neither his wife because there are a lot of negative vices in the internet but my work remain a potential world mega block buster movie when we finally achieve a production breakthrough.
I have told you about Mr. De Mentia that you should not worry about him because the script is in good shape for the production.
Thanks for the casting calls you have made.
Only one of the drug cartel scenes is enough keep anyone pleading to be part of the production. I am not afraid who is ready to be part of this, Mr. Robert Nelson can back out if he is no longer interested but the fact still remain, RANKL3 JON3S THE GOLFER will make a global success this year.
I am willing to make a trip to New Jersay for us to start up in earnest, as it is needful, if you are ready. All it will take me is go to America embassy for my Visa to your country.
I hope to hear from Captain Mal.
PRODUCER
Mr. Onyema Emmanuel

With an attitude like that, Emmanuel will never make it in the dog eat dog world of show business.

Quote:

Emmanuel,

I really don't think you understand the way Hollywood works. Just because you think the script is good enough, does not mean all of the producers think it's good enough. You have to be willing to compromise your artistic vision.

I know this is a bit harsh, but it is a harsh business.

If you want this project to go forward, you need to work with Mr. de Mentia and Captain Mal. We are closer than ever before to getting this thing off the ground and I don't want your stubborn pride to screw it up! If you want me and my crew to come to Nigeria and bring our money and equipment, you need to learn to take criticism like a man!

Life is like a grindstone--whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you're made of.

-Stephen

Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 9:20 pm

He should have heard from the Captain already. What's he up to?

Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 5:25 am

Got a short reply from the Lad, not including a script, and in fact, rather brusque and dismissive, seeing as he is dealing with such a major mover and shaker (well, shaker, anyway) in Hollywood as C N de M.

If I don't get a script from this Lad soon, I may become extremely piqued.

Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 6:20 pm

I think we're all going to get pretty piqued with Emmanuel very soon.

Quote:

Dear Dr. Colbert,

I am ready to work with both Captain Mal and Mr. De Mentia but the truth still remains, it is either you make a trip or I offer to do that if you are ready for me.
I am talking about a script of over 120 pages of great thrill.
I am not afraid whatsoever as to my work because I know it will definitely make a block buster. Even if you check a crystal ball, it will definitely point to the great success. I am not a clairvoyant but I know what I am talking about.I am not sending out this script all in the name of edition, not even a million dollar deposit will make me do that.
If you find premises for us to proceed then fine but if not too fine. Creativity never die, as it must definitely come to the big screen, before the end of this year, either with you or others.
I have over flogged a non issue. No call and we are talking about an important project of this magnitude.
I am not on the begging side if that is your perception. I will meet a Telecommunication giant and they will take it up if you are not ready or a cable network channel.
PRODUCER
Mr. Onyema Emmanuel

Oh yeah? Well, I can play the bitchy artiste too!

Quote:

Emmanuel,

I have already told you that my crew and I are ready and willing to travel. I have gotten the very important and highly regard script doctor, Mr. de Mentia, to work with you. You have not even bothered to write to Captain Mal yet. I'm busting my ass here for you and you act piqued!

I told you that my secretary is sick. You are not the only one that she needs to call. Things are backed up at the office, we are behind on everything because of her illness! I am stressed to the max and you will not even take my recommendations.

You need to send what you have to Mr. de Mentia and then I will make plane reservations. If not, I'm afraid that "Rankl3 Jon3s" will be relegated to being just a cable movie and you don't make millions of dollars with a Lifetime movie of the week, I can tell you that much!

I have actors, equipment and crew ready to go. It is fully up to you now.

-Stephen

Trophy Videos · Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 11:34 pm

Gee, when I baited this guy for awhile last year, he was only an insufferable egomaniac. Now, he's a meglomaniac! Laughing

And I sincerely doubt that he has 120 pages of great thrill. Laughing

Posted: Wed May 13, 2009 3:36 am

Major slap required, I think.

It might be a great thrill, but the script is not in the right format, in fact it looks like an electronic version of something scrawled on the back of an envelope.

Anyone (except the Lad) knows there is a proper format for a script, with stage directions, EXT. NIGHT, actor instructions, etc.

He needs to be told that in its current state the script will not be accepted anywhere, and he should be damned glad that C N de M is prepared to help him out.

Or he can do the script formatting himself.

Perhaps if we point him to that link, he'll cough up the script, as an alternative to doing the work himself. Wink

Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 7:20 am

This Lad's arrogance is quite amazing.

He writes:

Quote:

Dear Mr. De Mentia,
I have told Dr. Colbert the condition under which I can work. I am very much ready to work with you, if only he meet up with my stipulated condition. I will get across to you and we proceed immediately he meet up with my stipulated condition.
I have no fear whatsoever about my work as it is an inspirational script. Thanks for your interest to work with us but note there is no project that will be as important as RANKLE JONES THE GOLFER. You are on your seat just because you have not seen the script from a grape vine.
PRODUCER.
Mr. Onyema Emmanuel.

I tried what seems the impossible task of injecting some doubt and humility into the Lad.

Quote:

Frankily, my dear Emmanuel, if you don't work sensibly with Dr Colbert, your film will never see the light of day.

This is Hollywood we are talking about, not your local school play, and Hollywood has its own way of doing things. And if I may be utterly honest with you, my dear friend, they are not going to change their way of working just because you think you have a wonderful script. Everyone from Raggar Snurdsson downwards turns up here and thinks they have the best script ever, and only about 1% of them ever succeed.

You should not be so fast in demanding conditions, because if you do, you could easily ruin a $50 million project, and you will be 'PRODUCER' of nothing whatever.

Do you understand, my dear Emmanuel?

De Mentia.

Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 7:45 am

I just sent him this:

Quote:

I have not had any feedback from you on this and apparently neither had Mr Co1bert.
I cannot make plans without information or advise unless I know what is required. So please respond soonest.

Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 2:34 pm

Once again I ask myself, is this guy for real? Rolling Eyes

Quote:

Dear Dr. Colbert,
I have told you my stand as regards this project which is left for you to make a choice. I am ready to work with you, your crew members and those you included. You are making thing difficult and I can't work under an uncertain condition.
It is either you make a trip with whoever you wish to or I offer to make a trip to your country, if you are ready for me.
I am not talking about a script of 120 pages but over that.
I have no fear whatsoever about this production, a most success. If you are ready then you get back to me, and I will see your readiness before I will proceed. I am more meaningful works relating to the production, so if you need to be part of it fine.
If Mr. De Mentia can't afford to make a trip because he has a lot of work to attend to over there in Hollywood, I think I have much more important projects to attend to over here in Nollywood, the second in world ranking in 2009 movie production after Bollywood. It is not important to pinch your pudding.
Have you ever captured an abstract picture? How was your estate "state of body and mind" before you were able to get that done?
Mr. Onyema Emmanuel.

Quote:

Dear Emmanuel,

"Pinch my pudding"? What the hell are you talking about? I don't know any screenwriter that talks like you do.

I told you before that I am willing and able to come to Nigeria, and so is Mr. de Mentia. He is a world class script doctor and makes millions each year. Only Carrie Fisher makes more than he does, and not by much! I don't know where you got the idea that he can't afford to come to Nigeria with me.

And no one has asked you to make your script longer, just to make some corrections and edits. It's not even in the proper format for Christ's sake! If you had bothered to actually listen to Mr. de Mentia you would already know that.

All we are trying to do is to help you get your project made because we think it has potential on the independent film circuit, but you must be willing to give a little bit in response.

Get to work on the script revisions with Mr. de Mentia and write back to Captain Mal! Once progress has been made on the script, I will give you my flight information. You have to work with me here, Emmanuel, or Rankl3 Jon3s will be stuck in development for the foreseeable future!

-Stephen

Elite Baiter Joined: 15 Sep 2008 Posts: 1006

Quote:

It is not important to pinch your pudding.

I think that is signature worthy.

Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 1:37 am

The more we push him, the more valued he seems to find himself. Perhaps we should all ignore him for a few days.

Posted: Tue May 19, 2009 3:28 pm

Yes, I think it's time to give Emmanuel a little break.

I've never had a bait break up because of "creative differences" between me and a scammer before Laughing

Posted: Tue May 19, 2009 9:24 pm

Progress! He finally got back to Captain Mal:

Quote:

Dear Mr. Ma1co1m,
Thanks for getting across to me. You will be contacted in no distant time regarding this production by Dr. Co1bert in detail.
In what capacity did Dr. Co1bert contact you on?
PRODUCER
Mr. 0nyema 3mmanuel

I replied:

Quote:

Dr Co1bert often consults me on matters of military detail on movie scripts, and given that your treatment included attack helicopters and considerable gunplay, my input was invited.

Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 11:36 am

Action from our Lad! He has sent me six pages of script, of which more anon, and I have replied.

Quote:

Dear Emmanuel,

Thank you very much for sending me your sample. What a script! The material looks very good and exciting and just the kind of thing we need in these frankly difficult times.

But have you never learnt about script formatting? My dear fellow, if we are going to get this thing anywhere near production, you must put it into the WR format used in all screenplays, with stage directions and actor directions.

Look here, http://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html to see what I mean.

All films are formatted in this way. You simply can't make a film unless the script isn't properly formatted -- directors just won't do it.

As it is, my dear Emmanuel, you may have thrilling content, but it looks like something scrawled on the back of an envelope, and directors, simply, simply won't have anything to do with it in its current form.

Now, my dear fellow, there are two ways we can go with this.

Can you quickly put the script into the correct format yourself? Or do you want us here to process the script using our in-house resources? If so, my dear chap, could you send me the entire work, so we can get started? There have been too many delays already.

Best wishes,

Niall de Mentia.

Either he does all the work, or I do it, and send him a massive invoice when he's least expecting it... Laughing

As for the script, it is pure gold, but in a different way to what the Lad thinks.

Scene A is a blast from the get-go:

Quote:

SCENE A
Jones and Ray are on their way to a night club as Jones drives. Both walk into the club hull.

Ray: Too many pretty nutty shits of fucks.

Jones: Quit a lively night club.

Ray look disturbed as he frown his face.

Jones: Are you alright? Feel comfortable, okay! I think the setting will get to thrill you in no distant time. I know it’s not your type but you’ve got to adjust to get the thrill of it all. Don’t discomfort yourself, feel free. You’ve got to drink some glass of campaign to have your Dutch courage in motion for the fun of it all. Too many good girls out here get one for your companionship.

Ray: Hae! Hae!! Hae!!! I don’t think I will waist much time staying or hanging out here.

Jones: Please relax yourself and in no distant time you’ll get the fun, believe me, it was almost so with me when I first started but with a lively cheek by your side you’ve got to enjoy it all.

Ray: I perceive night club life has a lot of insane guys and bitches in attendance.

Warning, sexy dialogue ahead...

Quote:

Jones: You are my miss world. Too beautiful to let go, huh, I feel we can take you home and I curdle you to feel the hard core side of my body physique.

MORE TO COME......

I want to see them acting this stuff out.... Laughing

Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 12:27 pm

Scene B opens with some amputee action...

Quote:

SCENE B
Vera is alone at home. She drops her two legs on the centre table while seated on the chair.

...then we get the medical action.....

Quote:

Kenny and Vera are in the bathing room as she washes her face with water.

Kenny: Should I call our doctor?

Vera: No.

Kenny: I think you need a check up. It might be you're having a sign of high fever. It comes with multiple horrifying dreams.

Scene C is full of high-tension over a video game, with excellent plot and character development

Quote:

Ray: Jones you've played twice.
Jones: No, I didn't!
Ray: You did.
Jones: No, I didn't!
Ray: You did, stop lying Jones.

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