Swine Flu

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Baiting Guru Joined: 08 Feb 2005 Posts: 2301

I wish the regular flu would be as "deadly" as this swine flu has been. The U.S. death toll is in the tens of thousands every year from "regular". The swine flu has only killed 1. Hardly anything I'm going to concern myself with. I think I'm more likely to choke on my bacon sandwich. Razz

Posted: Tue May 05, 2009 10:07 pm

Prep for Swine Flu officially began on our campus today. The rest of the IT staff and myself spent the day using disinfecting wipes on a couple hundred keyboards and mice. (Oh what glamorous jobs you find working in the IT field... Rolling Eyes

)

Posted: Tue May 05, 2009 10:21 pm

How can you be so uncaring ?????? Shocked

27 people felt a bit poorly in the UK.

I just saw on TV they're scrapping exams in schools hit by the flu. Why ? - does it make you stupid ? I guess that answers itself really. Laughing

A worldwide pandemic of sniffly noses and interfering bureaucrats telling you how to sneeze in accordance with government guidelines.

Saints preserve us.

Posted: Tue May 05, 2009 10:40 pm

**Aaa** *AAAAA* *OINK* ******AAAAAAAHHHHHH..... CHOOOOO****

Pharmaceutics marketing and lobbying is working great so far. In history, there were never so few Brits feeling poorly at the same time. Very Happy

Amazing, all this...

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 12:07 am

Official Press Release

SWINE FLU ORIGIN FOUND - CRAP!

The origin of swine flu has been traced back to the worldwide movement towards political correctness.

Not so long ago a schoolboy in the eastern Ukraine, pissed off at having to do yet another book review, decided to spice up his report by rewriting the ending of the Tale of The Three Little Pigs. In his version of events the big bad wolf was captured in a net, beaten with various blunt objects, forced to stand in a large vat on one leg holding a fish in his left hand, a pineapple in the other, while balancing a loaf of bread and quart of milk on his head. The vat was slowly filled with cold porridge until the wolf, named Alfred, drowned.

Unfortunately this new take on an old fable found it's way into the hands of one Alfred Snickle-Bottom. The resulting cries of discrimination set alarm bells ringing in deep in the crap-originating bowels of the ICPN (International Colalition for PC Nonsense) who immediately assigned a team of 17 gender unspecified socio-economically boring nitwits to prevent further potential embarassment to all the Alfred's or Alfredo's out there.

Their toil and labour over 3 weeks days culminated in the release of the ICPN sanctioned PC Tale of The Three Little Pigs. An excerpt from this new edition follows;

Quote:

The three little slightly red four legged life forms with curly tails were unable to invite Alfredo in for a cup of tea.
This was because live coverage of the National Non-Competitive Tiddlywink Games was about to being.
The three little slightly red four legged life forms with curly tails really enjoyed watching non-competitive tiddlywinks!

Alfredo was a little upset, so he said in a slightly louder tone than normal, "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your h... your hou... yo... ACHOO!

That's right, he sneezed!

"I'll huff and I'll pu...CHOO!"

"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll b... b... blo... AH I'll .... AHHHH.... CHOOO!

Poor Alfredo had possibly contracted influenza!
He couldn't finish his words no matter how hard he tried.
Poor Alfredo.

So Alfredo left the dwelling of the three little slightly red four legged life forms with curly tails and went to find a doctor.

The three little slightly red four legged life forms with curly tails were able to watch the National Non-Competitive Tiddlywink Games, happily ever after.

THE END

Scientists studing swine flu have traced the current H1N1 strain of influenza back to the gates of the ICPN complex in an unspecified neutrally affliated country. It appears that the current release of PC crap without common sense and "If you are taking any notice of this crap you really need to get a life" disclaimer stickers resulted in someone swallowing the crap, allowing this specific case of influenza to cross the boundary between fantasy and reality.

Office of the Director of Press Relations

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 12:13 am

Absolutely brilliant Callum

clapping

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 12:17 am

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 9:54 am

We almost reached pandemic level 6 Shocked

At that stage

- you are entitled to shoot anyone who sneezes in public

- infected bodies will be burned in the streets

- handcarts will travel the country with the cry "bring out your dead"

- leather clad biker gangs will take over civil administration

- governments will depart planet earth on a specially reserved space ship Thumbs up

It's not all bad news then. Very Happy

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 11:39 am

I qualify to help take over civil admin then, but I cant be bothered. Just help yourselves.

Re the spaceship, they did that in Hitchikers Guide, and sent off the 'useless third' of society. Eventually those left behind all died from a disease caught from an unsanitized phone.

Speaking of which, you all underestimate Swine Flu. It made a posh girl feel dizzy Shocked

Flu girl, 12, felt faint and dizzy

Glad the Sun still focuses on what's really important.

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 12:51 pm

Thanks for the heads up Roy. And here we were, making jokes about it... Embarassed

Updated symptoms list:

* fever, which is usually high
* cough
* runny nose or stuffy nose
* sore throat
* body aches
* headache
* chills
* fatigue or tiredness, which can be extreme
* diarrhea and vomiting (sometimes)
* faint- and dizziness to posh girls

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 12:59 pm

@ Roy,

Apparently we are the descendants of those useless Golgafrinchans so just be thankful we haven't succumbed to any virulent telephone diseases.

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 Mar 2006 Posts: 7103 Location: Yes

Nice work Callum. Laughing

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 4:44 pm

Mom told me this morning that she wasn't worried about the swine flu.
I said, "Why?" She said, "I don't eat swine." Laughing

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 6:18 pm

This could be devastating to the British economy as Persimmony and Tabitha aren't allowed to frequent the pony riding stables and are forced to stay at home wearing garish pants and socks.

Anyone with swine flu should be sent to Mid-Staffs Hospital.

Very Happy

train boi Joined: 04 Nov 2008 Posts: 697

I got my swine flu booklet today, I haven't stopped chuckling

My Local PCT issued a leaflet entitled "What should you do if you have swine fever?"

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 8:29 pm

The one and only pig in Afganistan (known appropriately as "Pig") has been removed from public display the the Kabul zoo.

Apparently they used to have two pigs and a few piglets until an unfortunate incident involving the zoo's bear...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/may/06/kabul-pig-quarantined

Which reminds me I need to buy some bacon for the rolled chicken fillet things I'm cooking tonight.

Jay leno wrote:

My Local PCT issued a leaflet entitled "What should you do if you have swine fever?"

Did the options include taking public transportation to the nearest doctor per chance?

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

@ Callum_ That was a brilliant story.

To be on the safe side I will keep away from posh folk.
Imagine if one gets dizzy and keels over into you. What an embarrassing way to die

I'd like to nominate a swine to get the flu.
My pal's ex.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

http://news.bbc.co.uk/europe/8027043.htm!!!

Also, http://doihaveswineflu.org is a very good diagnostic website.

Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 1:52 pm

Personally I think it will be more devastating when Goat Flu raises its ugly head...all the lads would have to refrain from closeness with their 4 footed companions puke