Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

horses with hair dos

Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 2:23 pm

The Geography of Women

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe ; well developed and open to trade,
especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain ; very hot, relaxed, and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece ; gently aging but still a warm and
desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ; with a glorious and all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel ; has been through war and doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ; self-preserving, but open to
meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet ; wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst
for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ; ruled by nuts.

Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 4:29 am

^^^

The Dead Cow and Vet School

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the animal body .' For an example, the
Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead
cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students
freaked
out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a
finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger in the cow
and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now, learn to pay attention. Life's
tough,
it's even tougher if you're
stupid. Mr. Green

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 12:34 pm

A selection of funny newspaper cuttings sent in by listeners.

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who , if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:25 pm

Scissors...

... beats paper.

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:36 am

it's an old one but worth repeating

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man, I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not nissan Main Dealer?"

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 3:16 pm

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 3:22 pm

Silence of the Legos.

http://jezebel.com/5224518/ <-NSFW

Man walks on the Moon (also NSFW).

http://www.members.shaw.ca/rlongpre01/moon_tiny.jpg

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

We have all done mean, nasty and cruel things to our scammer buddies, however nothing compares with this.

http://mbd.scout.com/mb.aspx?s=13&f=2936&t=4273567&p=1

In short, a simple discussion about swine flu quickly turns into an announcement that a longtime poster (dannyboycane13, with more than 15k posts) has died of the disease. The thread is now up to 68 pages (in about a day and a half), with the supposedly dead person constantly pleading "I'm not dead! Why won't you believe me!". The dead person has even posted a couple of videos on Youtube saying that he is very much alive. Meanwhile, posters keep posting their last respects, with some posters suggesting that dannyboycane13 is posting from heaven, and others getting angry that somebody has hacked into dannyboycane13's account and is posting under his name.

This site has gone so far as to rename the football board in his memory. I know I'm going to hell for laughing my ass off at this, but at least I know I'll be in good company.

Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:05 am

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling
at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad

that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

LOL_sign

Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 5:33 am

This came chirping in on my phone today.

Quote:

A lot of ignorant folks said we would have a black president when "pigs fly". 100 days after Obama takes office we have "swine flu". Ha!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Posted: Sat May 02, 2009 6:58 pm

Dropping yourself in the shit doesn't always result in disaster:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8030898.stm

Posted: Tue May 05, 2009 12:45 pm

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

How to look after your children

Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 12:52 pm

Sitting on the side of the
road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees
a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself,
This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!' So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching
her car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two
in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white
as ghosts.
The driver, obviously
confused, says to him,
'Officer, I don't
understand. I was going the exact
speed limit. What seems to
be the problem?'
The trooper trying to
contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route
number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
'But before! you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken.'

'Oh, they'll
be all right in a minute, officer,
We just got off Route 127'.
Laughing

Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 7:29 pm

I'm new here hope this is not in bad taste.

Another Victim of Swine Flu.
And we all know where he got it from.

Posted: Tue May 19, 2009 12:32 am

^^^

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Dr. Thaddeus Venture wrote:

I'm new here hope this is not in bad taste.

Let me assure you good doctor that this place is built on bad taste Laughing

Baiting Guru Joined: 08 Feb 2005 Posts: 2301

Mad Cow = No Beef
Bird Flu = No Chicken
Swine Flu = No Pork

There is only one more thing left for us guys to eat.... Razz

Living up to my "Forum Pervert" tag.

Posted: Sat May 23, 2009 6:14 am

Why Parents Drink?
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .'

Posted: Mon Jun 01, 2009 11:05 pm

CLOUDWATCHING

Posted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 7:45 am

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day......or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly...

Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 10:58 am

Two Crocodiles were sitting on the side of a swamp near the lake in Kakadu, the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ” I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. we’re the same age, the same size as kids I just don’t get it”.

“Well”, said the big Croc, “What have you been eating”?

“Politicians just like you”, said the small Crock,

“Hmmm. Well where do you catch them?

“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by Parliament House”.

“Same here. Hmmm, how do you catch them”?

“Well, I crawl up under one of their cars and wait for one to unlock the car door, then I jump out, grab em by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!”

“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.”

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