Single Sentance Novel COMPILED: The Novel

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Elite Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 1407

I had a free moment at work so I compiled the single sentance thread into 1 clear story. I made only some very slight changes (spelling). And I entered some space breaks for easier reading. Enjoy.

A Novel by 419 Eater

I was skipping out in the garden one day when I heard a scream from next door. It was a blood-curdling, hair-stands-up-on-the-back-of-you-neck sound. It scared me so much I wet my pants. So I had to investigate. and see what was behind that big door

The door wouldn't open although the door was stuck shut; I was able to gain entry to the home through the hole created when the cow fell from the sky. I climbed onto the roof and dropped down onto the floor. The only light in the room came from the hole in the roof.

'Twas impossible to discern what the noise was. in the dim light i thought i could see the outline of a Mod I said: "Get out, me and Ima are busy."

"Doing what?!?!?!?!"

Painting our toe nails, of course!

The smell of acetone filled the air, and then suddenly... The creater of the "Song Title Thread" came barging in. Pointed an accusative finger at the hole in the roof and said.... This is the evil doing of one Frederick Fokker, he swore that he would exact his revenge! Anyway - how come you never repaired the roof? because we are expecting more to drop in wearing tutu's and Singing la bamba, while dancing around the room.

Then there was an awkward silence, and the first to speak was... Me! Oh bollocks , I've broken my Silence

Narrator: He has not spoken in 37 years, and has broken his vow of silence. His first words of wisdom to the huddled masses were... The haggis have escaped! The assembled mob cried to the master... It's dark here, why are we playing at night......mwahahahah Its okay i have matches but i need a change of scenery.

Awakening from her dream she suddenly realised that all the Mods were playing cards in the toilet; she heard a cry of "Royal Flush!" followed by a collective groan. The groan was loudest from the royal throne. "Phil, you've left the seat up again" lamented Elizabeth. "How many times must I...."

...and I thought, "I've seen this before. A never ending story, full of trolls and others that have come before us. Solomon wrote, "There is nothing new under the sun but I decided to check anyway... I looked up through the hole in the roof. Wait! Is that a flying pig? I blinked my eyes real hard and and realized it was really a flying goat, coming to break the news of a tribble accident involving a scammer and three guys named Charles Soludo.

I did not know if I really cared if they were dead or alive but hoped that they would meet their Waterloo on the Sagbama Expressway during the evening of April 21st while street racing their new dromedary camels adorned with fluffy dice and go faster stripes which would go hard on the straights, but problematic with cornering unless it trod on a tortoise to enhance drift potential. however not understanding differential time paradoxes a diminutive man appeared and handed me three phalic shaped candles and instructed me to put them Where the sun doesn't shine.

Therefore I went to the cellar and copiously searched for a convenient candelabrum in which to place three said candles. looking in the dim light (again!) i was startled to see on the floor a box of Kleenex tissues and a copper wok.
'Wok is this doing here?' I asked myself, expecting no reply. I am not a wok. I am Xenu, and I have come for my faithful," the magic wok said knowing all too well that I feared scientologists like 'Yeh man. A talking Wok'. So off I went to tell it to the marines. Who formed up into triangular ranks and were sent on a tour of duty to the Playboy Mansion.

While en route to the mansion, the Captain exclaimed 'Be Bop A Loola, Be My Baby' 'Be Bop A Loola, I don't mean maybe, just maybe i can get back to the house with no roof and finally discover if if that dam* wascally wabbit had yet to join the crazy squirrel at the bottom of the garden, mending the birdbath. So that the crazy squirrel and rabbit can eat the bird's food while they are

Shakespeare reclined in his recently repaired bardbath and pondered what the squirrel and wabbit were going to eat for Easter brunch. They both decided to call Ghostbusters!! Who else could you possibly rely on in this time of financial uncertainty. Banks? Governments? No. Ghostbusters would be the only way to go. They called an got the answering machine saying “You’re standing on the ranging stakes and my nipple tassels have fallen off, I'd better go and and cover it up or Pachanga will give me a red-hot chili pepper CD collectors' edition to use as a frisbee for those times when cows rain from the sky. and a supply of ex-OSS exploding horse poo just doesn't help with my exeedingly large rash, which coincidentally is right beside my world-record sized ingrown toenail (confirmation from Guinness still pending).

I'm fairly certain that it'll be officially recognized, not in the last place because it's actually quite hard to listen to someone when somebody else is talking about being stredded in hash conditions deteriorated rapidly! 'Quick Snowy' bellowed the elephant, 'My mongoose has fell designs on the entire snake population of Ireland'. Snowy thought for a moment then turned to the Mongoose. 'Stupid arsehead', he spat, 'There are no snakes in Ireland, I know," the Mongoose said, "thanks to me - you shouldn't listen to Snowy so much, he's a 'notta called-a Snowy for nothing' interupted Luigi, the Italian mahoot. 'He'sa gotta so much cocaine uppa his nose he thinks he's a small town in Peru is where I'm from' said Paddington, pushing yet another marmalade sandwich in the direction of the auctioneer who ran across the roof tops, making his final bid for freedom $4000 going once, twice, sold," he said, "to be or not to be'. 'That is the question from the evil Yorkshire auctioneer eBay Gum.

Meanwhile, my pants had almost dried up, but the resulting rash was itching so hard that I applied the Cannibal medicine Pal of mine lotion To all the parts that were in danger of being scratched off. Suddenly I noticed that the itchy parts were missing and the rasher of bacon had somehow become stuck in my left nostril, thus leaving me with a completely new problem children can be referred to a therapist. Better still they can be forced to read Mariam Abacha - My Life In Other People's E-Mails. A rollercoaster of a novel with a crunchy out side and a nice gooey middle that often oozes out and stains my pants, which wasn't really much of a problem, considering the urine marks.

Not just ordinary stain removal but nuclear because a new formula which completely dissolves your computer keyboard had already begun dissolving the letter in between O & Q.........What was next to go they wondered? as they sat there and considered the implications of Thermo Nuclear Intercontinental Ballistic Missile warfare in the 21st century and the devastation it would cause to dromedry camel racing due to.. the quantum radical radiation loopholes caused by the quantum-linear-superposition, but my icbm pondering came to a gut wrenching jolt when Burt Reynolds declared his undying love for chicken salad sandwiches with faces harvested from Facebook.

Which gave the concept of "Social Networking" a new meaning along with the rash that was not cured by dining with Clifford Orji. singing 'Show me the way to go home' in the middle of a lap dance by an elephant, which by the way had auditioned for a role in Madonna's stage act, but wasa cruelly turned down because of being more talented than her, and the fact it made her look fat on stage. Instead the role was given to Kanye West, because his talent was inversely proportional to his ego, and this meant elephants don't make good rappers, but since elephants have more musical talent than rappers, and don't boast as much he was given the lead role in the Easter play held at the Playboy Mansion, which the Marines had still not reached because the marines had taken three wrong interstates, due to the lack of coherent instructions from Snowy who had, by now, pushed enough cocaine up his nose that he started to look like Nurse Nasty, dressed as Reaper.

Which was a relief to everyone connected with the orphanage. Miss Blunderbuss however, had other plans. With a mighty push the sandbag pyramid fell down, proving it to be only a two-dimensional facade; this caused the Reverend Phystem to say 'Phystem, Phystem.............Get With The System'. He knew his gloves would need repair soon but the egg whisk was good for another couple of days so he decided to make a cake with a file in it in case someone needed to be helped to escape from prison.

As he stared at the seemingly impossible sight before him, he was bemused. How had Snowy managed to get a cake inside the file? Undaunted he set to work, filing furiously at the bars with a Victoria Sponge. With time passing he made quite some progress with "Are you filing those bars? Well, put them under B, would you?" said Bernard Madoff, who coincidentally had recently broken all his teeth on a gold coated piece of ivory from the song Ebony And Ivory. Snowy watched the video repeatedly through the night.

By the dawn he still wasn't sure which one was Ringo Starr. Or to use his real name Zontar, the Thing from Venus. Sitting astride the elephant, he tore through the prison gates, singing as he went. 'My Name Is Zontar, I Come From Venus'. 'Who Would Like to Stroke My pet human, "Nurse Nasty"?' All were amassed at the sight of Zontar, Louigi and Paddington Bear atop the mighty pachyderm, scattering the guards as they lumbered towards where Snowy was held captive.

Snowy, who had foreseen this in a dream, had taken measures to accurately estimate the cost of his new windows and curse the name of Bill Gates.

Meanwhile, Zontar and his gang has cleverly stolen the key to the cupboard holding William Shatner's wigs due to his fetish for Starbuck's coffee and unflavored tofu mixed with baking soda. Unfortunately, Zontar's preferences had caused him to. start. talking. like. shatner. due. to. the. psycic. connection. to. the. wigs.

Thats when William Shatner and David Hasslehoff broke through to the other side, where they had trouble with tribbles infesting William Shatner's armpits. Due to this, he had to call it a day and go to Engineering, where he hoped to find a technobabblish solution to the current problem.

Suddenly, a series of gut wrenching spasms squeezed his insides, no doubt due to consuming an excessive amount of one of Dave Lister's vindaloos or the cats food from yesterday. The pain was so bad that he could not possibly win at fastest finger first so thinking quickly, he dropped to the floor and began to log roll out of the room with the hopes that he would make it to the nearest McDonalds where he hoped to have a quarter pounder Mcshit.

Sadly, by turning left at Third and Main he totally missed the point. Fortunately for the point, it didn't miss him, and intruded right into his line of sight. Utilizing his cat like reflex's he stopped log rolling and began to use a modified version of stop-drop-roll. Unfortunately he broke his tail in three places. The breaks turned his tail into the equivalent of a corkscrew that caused the vindaloo to erupt, resulting in projectile diahrea aimed directly at a striking cobra that had decided to investigate the screaming mammal with the broken tail.

Much to the horror of all witnesses was the awful fact the Cobra was wearing glasses that were now covered in undigested Vindaloo and being a snake it had no way of cleaning the glasses! Disorientated and nauseous the Cobra slithered in the direction of another cobra, which incidentally was also nauseous and disoriented. The two cobras hearing samba music began to sway to an fro. Bits of crap dripping from their hoods began to dry on the floor causing a five-car pile-up as drivers stopped suddenly at the sight of samba-dancing cobras, and a forty-pedestrian pile-up as people slipped on the crap the cobras were shedding.

In the confusion a shadowy figure identified by most as "Mr. Gomer" carefully approached the scene with several thoughts. he could get guymen to shove cobras down their trousers.

All of a sudden he chopped the dolla of Charles Soludo, Mariam Abacha and Usm4n Shamsudeen in one lightning move, causing several cyber cafes in Festac Town to erupt in protest. Riots started in the streets, people with Pineapples in their pants and wearing fish on their heads (and not Kippers) were shouting "this is EATERS doing" if only we could get certain Lads to walk out there wearing I am Mr Gomer t-shirts, it would be so much easier to get the crowd to disperse and they could get back to the Cafe's and continue finding out how many ways they could be frustrated, stredded and humiliated, and not just by Gomer but by the Cobra stuffed in his pants.

Just as the situation was starting to settle out, the Cobra wondered to himself "Why does it smell like goat and desert sand down here?" The Cobra was musing on that when why do birds suddenly appear every time I drink beer. 'It's a little known fact' said Snowy, 'That Belgium brews over 600 different kinds of beer'. Yes' replied Paddington, 'But most of it tastes like the piss you produce after drinking a genuine Heineken.

This doesn't necessarily mean you should conduct your own taste test experiment though. The last time I experimented was on my honeymoon, and the results caused great concern to all the wait staff at the restaurant we were dining at shortly before being Human with Robin Williams was the biggest load of crap ever to be comitted to celluloid.

Almost as bad Millennium Man. Which links nicely to Robbie Coltranes B-Road Britain where he drives an old car up & down country lanes looking at his navel. This proved to be almost ridiculous enough for TV, but the producers said How can we work with all of this noise going on? What does it take to stop a series being remade in America?

And so they came to the conclusion that there was no second shooter on the grassy knoll; The conspiracy theory had been blown out of the water. Much like a Kipper sitting on a hand grenade and the 3 seconds were up. The ideas that Che Guevara was actually the Spanish Prisoner seemed doomed by the fact that he was from Argentina, but facts and conspiracy theories never sat well together, as proved by this scientific Conspiracy that Earth is expanding http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjgidAICoQI if this is indeed true then we would be seeing a great shift in the gear stick unless it's an automatic. Steering is by the conventional method wheras indicating is done by waving a large fish out of the boot. I have heard it said that, "High speed Fish waving should only be carried out during daylight hours" At night the fish should be replaced with a cat as their eyes glisten so aiding other drivers to your intentions, but be ware of other drivers waving cats, because a cat collision would cause the cats to grow in magnitude and scope so that the world is a circle without a beginning, and nobody knows where it really ends.

The above fact begs why girls fall for me telling them that my love will go to the ends of the driveway and I'm really quite a shallow and fickle guy, but it doesn't seem to matter, they love me because I won the lottery. I only wish all of the bills in the trunk box were not black as my girlfriend's leather boots, the ones with high heels, guys see her wearing those and they say I'd like a pair of those, laying on my floor and then some wise guy adds, "and their boots, too sadly, that is as far as his math skills could go.

Two plus two equals three for tax purposes, five for business purposes zero if you wish to speak to on operator and any number that Bernard Madoff wanted at the time. Presently, his number is Inmate #7428934526, if you would be so kind as to leave a message and choose how you would like inmate Bubba to deliver it. Press 1 for boot, 2 for fist, 3 for shiver me timbers is often head across the deck and deck is navy for floor, by the way and Shiver hates being told that by land-lubbers.

He cried 'Avast Behind!', and turned the Perqod's bow into the foaming sea this transformation greatly puzzled the crew, who knew that the bow was a key component of the ship, and having recently sustained damage from a large sea snake was not sea-worthy.

Nonetheless, the crew only following orders prepared the leaky vessel for another trip around the harbour, followed by a generous tot of rum for each man, and a pair of of 1-legged ass-less chaps. While not strictly military code, the lads found the relaxed fit allowed for more extra-curricular activity with the cabin boy who at the time was trying to decide if he should continue to pick his nose.

He felt quite a nugget, and was hungry to boot, but the Captain had just yelled for him to give it to the lads instead, as they knew the best way to ingest it . "A rolling paper please, mistah?" the lad asked, while the lad beside him was in the middle of writing an email. It read:

I am really a totally honest person but I fear that my fear of honesty will affect all future transmissions. Please send help as the weight of the cash box is causing great strain to my back, which has been supporting the weight of the trunk box since boarding at Casablanca.

Rick had done his best, but it was still an uncertain future that lay before him. Snowy regarding the man with growing apprehension. Was this the drugs mule he was to meet or just another body part salesman, like the one he met in the backstreets of Abuja. Snowy felt for the abdominal scar which still bled occasionally. Was this man a harvester of human organs or just another Dean Martin impersonator? If so, he did a remarkable job of covering the scar from breaking his tail in three places.

Never mind that he thought as he scraped what remained of his lunch off of his front teeth with a clam shell. If I could only remember why I have just made a spectacle of myself to people who are gawking at a strange man with a crooked tail who keeps pulling up his shirt and poking at a big bleeding scar on his belly, while the young man in the one-legged ass-less chaps and carrying a box on his back waits for me to finish whistling dixie.

The passerby remarked "I haven't heard such a wonderful rendition of Dixie since I shot the sheriff - I didn't shoot the deputy though”. Anyone who says I did is a cotten headed ninny muggins. Now, I must hurry as he urged the lad with the trunk on his back to hurry. If I don't get there quickly I fear that Jason Donovan will try to relaunch his (ahem) singing career!

Slowly the lad plodded along. All the while wondering exactly how his 1 legged-assless chap was sewn together, as he couldn't see the threads or for that matter any seams, which made him say out loud "How in the name of Soludo did I ever put this on?" - at which point someone said, "Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen - something you should know do you want to know a secret ?

"But if you tell me, it won't be a secret any more, oooooooo," the trunk boy said, "Even if I promise not to disclose the Wu secure number once I get through this next page... meanwhile back at the ranch everyone was screaming for ice cream. and Peaches But the Only Emperor of Ice Cream was in a bad mood, because someone had left the fridge open.

Ice Cream, screamed the children. The headmistress yelled back "How can you have Ice Cream if you haven't eaten your meat?" And the children replied we don’t need no education. And anyway, they haven't slaughtered the cattle for the barbecue yet!" Not that this fact really mattered because there had never been any cattle available, and the goats intended for the barbecue had been stolen by a gang of Lads for the purpose of having a family portrait taken. However the goats were angry at being associated with Lads, and ran away in disgust.

Little did they know why the photos were to be taken.

But in various parts of the world, baiters were expecting some choice trophy pictures.

And what a can of worms that could open. And the cry went up, "We'll need a larger can!" Meanwhile, the goats had dispersed, but their peril was not over, as the international space station was passing high overhead it's orbit hampered somewhat by the weight of the elephant and the collection of African men trying frantically to get a 'phone signal. 'It's the only way' he said to Paddington. 'The more scammers we can get up here, the less will be left to cram up the internet cafés back home. Now that they are here, we can sell them old sewing machines for fabulous sums of money, quick use that moblie phone to prove there's red mercury running in the gutters in Mogadishu, where anyone can fill a bucket with it for use as Pig oil, and then go to the supermarket for shits and giggles.

The mercury however hit boiling point, at which war was declared, just as custard flooded the ballroom. The armies of Nigeria and Ghana marched toward each other, slingshots raised, when all of a sudden a barrister pulling two metallic trunks came between them and said "Have you seen two incomplete metallic elephants recently?" "No, but I've seen two pink pussycat bars in the same street - how weird is that?"

That is not the most weird thing possible, just last week I learned that in the war between Opus Dei and the Skull & Bones Society, you can never over estimate the effect of a paperback copy of Marcel Proust's A Remembrance of Things Past - at least that's what the Filipina exotic dancer in fishnet stockings told me.

There was a lot more she told me, but I never learned her name - and the Bishop is missing his index finger, so the congregate gets quite a shock when he hits them with the old joy buzzer prank, and they're getting so sick of it they're planning a surprise buzzerectomy at the next church picnic. Invitations have been painted on the backs of fifty nude models for personal delivery to several local identities and twelve lucky winners. The problem with this delivery method is that the models often arrive with people carrying cameras and making lewd jokes, which means that the local identities decline the invitations Their decline has nothing to do with the recent outbreak of food poisoning. A strongly worded petition calls for the sacking of the Shire Council on the gounds that their heads are filled with potato and three bean salad. This has been refuted over and over but their refutations are themselves refuted every time one of them sneezes.

The smell of putrefied salad permeated the air at official meetings and fragments of potato had to be swept up quickly to avoid tipping off any guests. When it was learned the the invitees had all mysteriously declined their invitations, the Bishop contacted the nude models to find out what had happened and much to his horror, found out that they were nude! So he immediately got on the phone and called the agency, wanting to find out why their nude models were actually nude as advertised, "I thought you were just making that up!" and get the reply Satisfaction is guaranteed or their clothes back!

So the Bishop went fishing wearing a tweed jacket he had found in the trunk of a 1968 Plymouth Valiant parked behind a YMCA in Tulsa. Not for the first time did he question the validity of song lyrics. 'Twenty Four Hours From Tulsa' claimed Burt Bacharac. Bollocks. It had taken him just thirty minutes to realise that he had forgotten his fishing rods, so he resolved to go shooting instead. "When I reach for my revolver I hear the word 'culture'", he mused, and took a stroll down the alley to show off his immense erudition.

Suddenly, a voice reached out from the shadows "Bishop, is that you? It's me Clarence, and I have lost your 1 legged ass-less chaps in an unfortunate game of strip poker. However, I did manage to convince obama to wrap himself in a canvas dipped in mustard. Brad Pitt, on the other hand, was cheating, and said something about seeing if the one-legged assless chaps would fit Ange Angelina's hair dresser Fabrisio, who Brad thought would look oh so fabulous, from the front at least. On the other shoe were the words, THROWN AT GEORGE BUSH.

Who ducked. That very duck is now on display at the Dick Cheney museum, stuffed and mounted, a fate not unfamiliar to Mike Rowe's former assistant and personal massage therapist Mr Tamborine man. Who on most day's enjoyed nothing more than being stuffed and mounted on the mantle in the aviary where he found Betty Jo Bialosky lying spread-eagled on the floor. He quickly beat the eagle off her chest and then wrapped her skirt around her head to keep her warm as he looked for the key to the trunk box. Mixed in with all of the black money was a tube of anal lube which had originally belonged to Rocky Roccoco - a nefarious felon who had been using said lubricant to eradicate the annoying squeak on his three-wheeled unicycle.

Just as the Bishop knelt do apply the lube to the wheel, he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. "Good sir, do not use that on the wheel...I know a man who can forward you some information about the correct lube for applying to a three-wheeled unicycle bearing" if you use that Anal Lube on the Unicycle you will soon discover that it replaces the annoying squeak with a persistent hum, something that Mr Roccocco found pleasing for some reason, but everyone else thought was too dry for optimum performance. They all preferred the molly grease because it would actually kill 2 birds with one stone.

As an added bonus, if you order now you get a free "ShamWOW" and an intital consultation with Barrister Rumple Fourscin to discuss whether to paint the bedroom ceiling white or beige, as Doris (a total blonde) can't make up her mind, and she reveals this at the wrong moments, such as on her back in bed being pleasured by her partner with said lube as she sometimes does need to be reminded to turn the oven off. Fortunately for Mr Tambourine Man there was a "bun in the oven" and Doris Jr. wold several years later be known as Rumple Fourscin, the feared and notoriously lazy barrister. His laziness was only matched with his penchant for polka dot ties and matching trousers, canary yellow shirts and crimson neckties - this fondness for clashing colours carried over into his offical documentation.

Since his prime in 1987, his documents have found their way into mainstream business. For example, Enron's accounts were for years written in saffron yellow and coral pink, driving accountants to distraction and giving headaches to regulators everywhere. Cries of "Fourscin! Why must you use such colorful paper. We must cut Fourscin off of from his supply of booze and making sure that his wig is not dyed purple, as it annoys judges and distracts juries.

Believe you me that a distracted jury is a real problem, it causes hemorrhoids if they are fidgety and wiggle on the bench. However, the effects of his attire were greatest on his clients, who were so gob smacked they could never be trapped into incriminating admissions by a clever prosecutor, which only added to to the enormous bulbous head swollen by a huge ego of one Barrister Rumple Fourscin.

He only has lost one case but that was due to the fact that his sister, a vital witness for the defense, was colour blind, and so not silenced by her brother's sartorial excess, giving a sharp and clever prosecutor the chance to administer the aforementioned lubricant so that the wheels of justice moved with surprising speed approximated at 50 mph. This was a remarkable result considering the combined kinetic energy at impact was equivalent to a millennia of ghastly automobile accidents on the Freeway of Love which is currently undergoing repairs and has a detour through an unfortunate recently married couple's boudoir. Variety may be the occasional spice of life but on the other hand, there is something to be said about a constant existence. Just like the time that the elephant show was interrupted by a blast from retired barrister Rumple Fourscin.

The audience stared in disbelief as Rumple in his colorful outfit approached the nervous pachyderms. They were even in for a greater shock as he tried to give the elephant an enema and it went horribly wrong; however, he was dug out from the pile of dung before he suffocated, though his outfit was ruined, and he earned an Honorable Mention in the Darwin Awards.

The Darwin awards are not actually presented by The New England Automobile Association, though this is a common mistake. Actually, and quite ironically in this context, it is presented by Dr Gordon Freechman, who was studying in his was studying laboratory. Fellow scientist cow- orker jimm said, Whatever he's got is getting is contagiousing - it makes you invent new verbs, and I fear it's victimed you now."

Then the lad woke up, sweating, his heart pounding like his fists on the keyboard the day before. He would always remember the day he had traveled all over Lagos with a fish on his head, going from WU to WU only to find that Mr. Gomer had stolen both his money and his remaining sanity. His companions, the voices spoke and uttered the following remember fool, 1-legged ass-less chaps are not to be worn after Memorial day. This prompted another voice to exclaim "Why do birds suddenly appear every time you walk near but then I worry that you might jump. Go on jump! I'll bet you can't make it over that pyramid there." But as he looked, a man carrying a blazing torch was climbing up a pyramidal pile of sandbags, a blazing torch in his hand, and shouting out GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME A BRAN MUFFIN!"

The assembled crowd at the base of the Pyramid laughed out loud at the lad. Someone in the crowd with evil shifty looking eyes shouted out "do you know the song Y.M.C.A " to which the lad replied Know it . . . you gotta be kidding. Why do you think I wear these ass-less chaps?

All together now . . . .

Y . . . .

R WE HERE?, the lads chanted, to which their non-scamming neighbors replied "The Hunchback will have something to say about this!" The Hunchback was actually Mr Gomer in disguise. He had 2 Cobra's and a Fish stuffed down the back of his shirt which seemed to match his companion - a tall, vile man, dressed in the nautical uniform of a sea-going sailor. Under his left arm he held a neatly rolled anchor, while with his right he scanned the horizon using a pair of powerful kippers.

Suddenly his eyes narrowed with anger. Seeing a sign for his arch-rival, Simba Kamps, Mr. Gomer planned his escape to where a wolf was playing the banjo, and his nose was running. Seeing this, Gomer pondered whether to give him a tissue for his nose before running away, leave the wolf there playing the banjo and sniffling, or take out his guitar and join in the jam session.

Much to the discomfort of those around him, the kippers

Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 11:26 am

for the benefit of Mr Kite and most of our lads

i bi skippin out for di garden won day wen i heard di hala for nex door. it bi di blood-curdling, hair-stands-up-on-the-back-of-you-neck sound .it scared mi so-so i wet mai pants. so i had fo investigate. na si wetin bi behind dat big door di door wouldnt open although di door bi stuck shut; i bi fit fo gain entry fo di home through di hole created wen di lama fell for di sky. i climbed onto di roof na dropped down onto di floor. di only lait for di room came for di hole for di roof .twas impossible fo discern wetin di noise bi, ok .for di dim lait i thought i could si di outline of di mod i said: "get out, mi na ima bi busy." "doin what? ooooo!!?! ? ?" paintin awa toe nails, of course! di smell of acetone filled di air, na den suddenly.. .di creater of di "song title thread" came bargin for. pointed an accusative finger at di hole for di roof na said ... dis na bi di evil doin of won frederick fokker, e swore dat e would exact e revenge !sha - hau kom u sam-sam repaired di roof? bicos wi bi expectin more fo drop for wearin tutu na singin la bamba, while dancin round di room .den dere bi an awkward silence, na di fes fo speak was.. .mi! oh bollocks , ive broken mai silence narrator: e don no spoken for 37 years, na don broken e vow of silence. e fes words of wisdom fo di huddled masses were... di haggis get escaped! di assembled mob cried fo di master. . it dark hie, say wetin bi wi playin at night... . .wahahahah its ok i get matches but i need di shenj of scenery. awakenin for am dream e suddenly realised dat all di mods were playin cards for di toilet; e heard di cry of "royal flush!" followed by di collective groan ,ok. di groan bi loudest for di royal throne. "phil, youve left di seat up again" lamented elizabeth. "how meni times mus i...." ...and i thought, "ive seen dis bifor. di sam-sam endin yarn, full of trolls na orders dat get kom bifor us. solomon wrote, "there dey natin new under di sun but i decided fo cheque anyway. . i looked up through di hole for di roof. wait !dey dat di flyin pig? i blinked mai eyes real hard na na realized it bi really di flyin goat, comin fo break di news of di tribble accident involvin di guy na tri guys named charles soludo, ok? i did no sabi i really cared dem were dead or alive but hoped dat dem would meet dia waterloo on di sagbama expressway durin di ivinin of april 21st while street racin dia new dromedary camels adorned wit fluffy dice na go faster stripes wey would go hard on di straights, but problematic wit cornerin unless it trod on di tortoise fo enhance drift potential. however no understandin differential taim paradoxes di diminutive man appeared na handed man picken tri phalic shaped candles na instructed mi fo put dem wie di sun doesnt shine, ok. derefore i went fo di cellar na copiously searched fo di convenient candelabrum for wey fo place tri say candles, ok .lookin for di dim lait (again!) i bi startled fo si on di floor di box of kleenex tissues na di copper wok. wok dey dis doin hie? i asked man, expecting no reply. i dey no di wok. i dey xenu, na i get kom fo mai faithful," di juju wok say knowing all too well well dat i feared scientologists laik yeh man .di talking wok. so off i went fo tel it fo di marines. wey formed up into triangular ranks na were sent on di tour of duty fo di playboi mansion. while en route fo di mansion, di captain exclaimed bi bop di loola, bi mai babi bi bop di loola, i no mean mebe, juss mebe i can get back fo di haus wit no roof na finally discover dat dam* wascally wabbit had yet fo join di craze squirrel at di yarnsh of di garden, mending di birdbath. mek di craze squirrel na rabbit can chop di bird food while dem bi shakespeare reclined for e recently repaired bardbath na pondered wetin di squirrel na wabbit were going fo chop fo easter brunch. dem both decided fo kol ghostbusters!! wey else could u possibly rely on for dis taim of financial uncertainty, ok. banks? governments? no. ghostbusters would bi di only way fo go. dem called an got di answering machine saying “you’re standing on di ranging stakes na mai nipple tassels get fallen off, id better go na na cover it up or pachanga go gif mi di red-hot chili pepper cd collectors edition fo use as di frisbee fo those times wen lamas rain for di sky. na di supply of ex-oss exploding horse poo juss doesnt hep wit mai exeedingly large rash, wey coincidentally dey right beside mai world-record sized ingrown toenail (confirmation for guinness still pending). i dey fairly certain dat itll bi officially recognized, no for di las place bicos it actually quite hard fo listen fo someone wen somebody else dey talking bout being stredded for hash kondishons deteriorated fiam !kwik snowy bellowed di elephant, mai mongoose don fell designs on di entire snake population of ireland .snowy thought fo di moment den turned fo di mongoose. tupid arsehead, e spat, dere bi no snakes for ireland ,i know , di mongoose say, "thanks fo mi - u shouldnt listen fo snowy so-so, e di 'notta called-a snowy fo nothing' interupted luigi, di italian mahoot, ok? 'he di gotta so-so cocaine uppa e nose e tinks e di smol town for peru dey wie i dey from' say paddington, pushing yet anoda marmalade sandwich for di direction of di auctioneer wey ran across di roof tops, making e final bid fo freedom $4000 going once, twice, sold , e say, "to bi or no fo be' .'that dey di question for di evil yorkshire auctioneer ebay gum. meanwilli, mai pants had remain smol dried up, but di resulting rash bi itching so hard dat i applied di yamiri medicine pali of mine lotion fo all di parts dat were for danger of being scratched off .suddenly i noticed dat di itchy parts were missing na di rasher of bacon had somehow become stuck for mai left nostril, thus leaving mi wit di fain-fain new frovlem children can bi referred fo di therapist. better still dem can bi forced fo read mariam abacha - mai life for order pipo e-mails. di rollercoaster of di novel wit di crunchy out side na di nice gooey middle dat often oozes out na stains mai pants ,wey wasn't really much of di frovlem, considering di urine marks, ok. no juss ordinary stain removal but nuclear bicos di new formula wey fain-fain dissolves ur computa keyboard had already begun dissolving di letter for between o & q.... ....what bi nex fo go dem wondered? as dem sat dere na considered di implications of thermo nuclear intercontinental ballistic missile warfare for di 21st century na di devastation it would cos fo dromedry camel racing due to.. di quantum radical radiation loopholes caused by di quantum-linear-superposition, but mai icbm pondering came fo di gut wrenching jolt wen burt reynolds declared e undying love fo chicken salad sandwiches wit faces harvested for facebook. wey gave di concept of "social networking" di new meaning along wit di rash dat bi no cured by dining wit clifford orji. singing hau man picken di way fo go home' for di middle of di lap dance by an elephant, wey by di way had auditioned fo di role for madonna stage act ,but wasa cruelly turned down bicos of being more talented than am, na di fact it make am look fat on stage. instead di role bi given fo kanye west, bicos e talent bi inversely proportional fo e ego, na dis meant elephants don't mek guud rappers, but since elephants get more musical talent than rappers ,na don't make mouth as much e bi given di lead role for di easter play held at di playboi mansion, wey di marines had still no reached bicos di marines had taken tri wrong interstates, due fo di lack of coherent instructions for snowy wey had, by nau, pushed enough cocaine up e nose dat e started fo look laik nurse nasty, dressed as reaper. wey bi di relief fo everyone connected wit di orphanage. miss blunderbuss however, had order plans ,ok. wit di mighty push di sandbag pyramid fell down, proving it fo bi only di two-dimensional facade; dis caused di reverend phystem fo say 'phystem, phystem... ... .....get wit di system'. e knew e gloves would need repair soon but di egg whisk bi guud fo anoda couple of days so e decided fo mek di cake wit di file for it for case someone needed fo bi helped fo dodge for angola. as e stared at di seemingly impossible sight bifor am, e bi bemused, ok. hau had snowy managed fo get di cake inside di file? undaunted e set fo wrk, filing furiously at di bars wit di victoria sponge .wit taim passing e make quite some progress wit "are una filing those bars? well well, put dem under b ,would you?" say bernard madoff ,wey coincidentally had recently broken all e teeth on di gold coated piece of ivory for di song ebony na ivory. snowy watched di video repeatedly through di nait. by di dawn e still wasn't sure wey won bi ringo starr. or fo use e real nam zontar, di ting for venus. sitting astride di elephant, e tore through di angola gates, singing as e went .'my nam dey zontar, i kom for venus'. 'who would laik fo stroke mai pet human, "nurse nasty"?' all were amassed at di sight of zontar, louigi na paddington bear atop di mighty pachyderm, scattering di guards as dem lumbered towards wie snowy bi held captive. snowy, wey had foreseen dis for di dream, had taken measures fo accurately estimate di cost of e new windows na curse di nam of bill gates. meanwilli, zontar na e gang don cleverly stolen di key fo di cupboard holding william shatner wigs due fo e fetish fo starbuck coffee na unflavored tofu mixed wit baking soda. unfortunately, zontar preferences had caused am fo. start, ok .talkin. laik. shatner. due .fo .di. psycic .connection. fo. di .wigs. dats wen william shatner na david hasslehoff no money for pocket through fo di order side, wie dem had wahala wit tribbles infesting william shatner armpits. due fo dis, e had fo kol it di day na go fo engineering, wie e hoped fo find di technobabblish solution fo di current frovlem. suddenly, di series of gut wrenching spasms squeezed e insides, no doubt due fo consuming an excessive amount of won of dave lister vindaloos or di cats food for yesterday. di pain bi so bad dat e could no possibly win at fastest finger fes so thinking kwik kwik, e dropped fo di floor na began fo log roll out of di room wit di hopes dat e would mek it fo di nearest mcdonalds wie e hoped fo get di quarter pounder mcshit. sadly, by turning left at third na main e totally missed di point .fortunately fo di point, it didn't miss am, na intruded right into e line of sight. utilizing e cat laik reflex e stopped log rolling na began fo use di modified version of stop-drop-roll .unfortunately e no money for pocket e tail for tri places .di breaks turned e tail into di equivalent of di corkscrew dat caused di vindaloo fo erupt, resulting for projectile diahrea aimed directly at di striking cobra dat had decided fo investigate di screaming mammal wit di broken tail .much fo di horror of all witnesses bi di awful fact di cobra bi wearing glasses dat were nau covered for undigested vindaloo na being di snake it had no way of cleaning di glasses !disorientated na nauseous di cobra slithered for di direction of anoda cobra, wey incidentally bi also nauseous na disoriented .di tu cobras hearing samba music began fo sway fo an fro. bits of crap dripping for dia hoods began fo dry on di floor causing di five-car pile-up as draivas stopped suddenly at di sight of samba-dancing cobras, na di forty-pedestrian pile-up as pipo slipped on di crap di cobras were sheddin. for di confusion di shadowy figure identified by most as "mr. gomer" carefully approached di scene wit sevral thoughts. e could get guymen fo shove cobras down dia trousas. all of di sudden e chopped di dolla of charles soludo, mariam abacha na usm4n shamsudeen for won lightning move, causing sevral cyber cafes for festac town fo erupt for protest. riots started for di streets, pipo wit pineapples for dia pants na wearing fish on dia heads (and no kippers) were shouting "dis na bi eaters doing" only wi could get certain lads fo waka out dere wearing i dey mr gomer t-shirts, it would bi so-so easier fo get di crowd fo disperse na dem could get back fo di cafe na continue finding out hau meni ways dem could bi frustrated, stredded na humiliated, na no juss by gomer but by di cobra stuffed for e pants. juss as di situation bi starting fo settle out ,di cobra wondered fo his sef "why do it smell laik goat na desert san sand down here?" di cobra bi musing on dat wen say wetin do birds suddenly show face evri taim i drink beer. 'it di little known fact' say snowy ,'that belgium brews ova 600 different kains of beer'. yes' replied paddington, 'but most of it tastes laik di piss una produce afta drinking di genuine heineken. dis doesn't necessarily mean u suppose to conduct ur get taste test experiment though. di las taim i experimented bi on mai honeymoon, na di results caused correct correct concern fo all di wait staff at di bukka wi were dining at shortly bifor being human wit robin williams bi di biggest load of crap effa fo bi comitted fo celluloid. remain smol as bad millennium man, ok. wey links nicely fo robbie coltranes b-road britain wie e drives an old moto up & down countri lanes looking at e pompoo .dis proved fo bi remain smol ridiculous enough fo tv, but di producers say hau can wi wrk wit all of dis noise going on? wetin do it tek fo stop di series being remade for Amerika? na so dem came fo di conclusion dat dere bi no sekon shooter on di grassy knoll; di conspiracy theory had been blown out of di wata. much laik di kipper sitting on di hand grenade na di tri sekons were up. di ideas dat che guevara bi actually di spanish prisoner seemed doomed by di fact dat e bi for argentina, but facts na conspiracy theories sam-sam sat well well togedda, as proved by dis scientific conspiracy dat earth dey expanding http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjgidaicoqi dis na bi indeed true den wi would bi seeing di correct correct shift for di gear stick unless it an automatic. steering dey by di conventional method wheras indicating dey done by waving di large fish out of di boot .i get heard it say dat, "high speed fish waving suppose to only bi carried out during daylight hours" at nait di fish suppose to bi replaced wit di cat as dia eyes glisten so aiding order draivas fo ur intentions ,but bi ware of order draivas waving cats, bicos di cat jam would cos di cats fo grow for magnitude na scope mek di world dey di circle without di beginning, na nobody sabis wie it really ends. di above fact begs say wetin babis fall fo mi telling dem dat mai love go go fo di ends of di driveway na i dey really quite di shallow na fickle guy, but it doesn't seem fo matter, dem love mi bicos i won di lottery .i only wish all of di bills for di trunk box were no black as mai girlfriend leather boots, di ones wit high heels, guys si am wearing those na dem say i'd laik di pair of those ,laying on mai floor na den some wise guy adds, "and dia boots, too sadly, dat dey as far as e math skills could go. tu plus tu equals tri fo tax purposes, faif fo business purposes zero una wish fo speak fo on operator na any nomba dat bernard madoff wanted at di taim. presently, e nomba dey inmate #7428934526 ,u would bi so kain as fo live di messej na choose hau u would laik inmate bubba fo deliver it. press won fo boot, tu fo fist, tri fo shiver mi timbers dey often head across di deck na deck dey navy fo floor ,by di way na shiver hates being told dat by land-lubbers. e cried 'avast behind!', na turned di perqod bow into di foaming sea dis transformation correct correctly puzzled di crew ,wey knew dat di bow bi di key component of di ship, na having recently sustained damage for di large sea snake bi no sea-worthy. nonetheless, di crew only following orders prepared di leaky vessel fo anoda trip round di harbour, followed by di generous tot of rum fo each man, na di pair of of 1-legged ass-less chaps. while no strickly military code, di lads found di relaxed fit allowed fo more extra-curricular activity wit di cabin boi wey at di taim bi trying fo decide e suppose to continue fo pick e nose. e felt quite di nugget, na bi hungri fo boot, but di captain had juss yelled fo am fo gif it fo di lads instead, as dem knew di best way fo ingest it ."a rolling paper abeg, mistah?" di lad asked, while di lad beside am bi for di middle of writing an email, ok? it read: i dey really di totally honest persin but i fear dat mai fear of honesty go affect all future transmissions. abeg send hep as di weight of di cash box dey causing correct correct strain fo mai back, wey don been supporting di weight of di trunk box since boarding at casablanca. rick had done e best, but it bi still an uncertain future dat lay bifor am. snowy regarding di man wit growing apprehension. bi dis di drugs mule e bi fo meet or juss anoda bodi part salesman, laik di won e met for di backstreets of abuja .snowy felt fo di abdominal scar wey still bled occasionally. bi dis man di harvester of human organs or juss anoda dean martin impersonator? so ,e did di remarkable job of covering di scar for breaking e tail for tri places. sam-sam belle dat e thought as e scraped wetin remained of e lunch off of e front teeth wit di clam shell. i could only perm say wetin i get juss make di spectacle of man fo pipo wey bi gawking at di one kain man wit di crooked tail wey keeps pulling up e shirt na poking at di big bleeding scar on e belly, while di young man for di one-legged ass-less chaps na carrying di box on e back waits fo mi fo finish whistling dixie. di passerby remarked "i haven't heard such di kampe rendition of dixie since i shot di sheriff - i didn't shoot di deputy though”. anyone wey says i did dey di cotten headed ninny muggins .nau ,i mus hurry hurry as e urged di lad wit di trunk on e back fo hurry hurry. i don't get dere kwik kwik i fear dat jason donovan go try fo relaunch e (ahem) singing career !slowly di lad plodded along. all di while wondering exactly hau e won legged-assless chap bi sewn togedda ,as e couldn't si di threads or fo dat matter any seams, wey make am say out loud "how for di nam of soludo did i effa put dis on?" - at wey point someone say, "listen, listen ,listen, listen, listen - something una suppose to sabi do una wan fo sabi di secret ? "but u tel man picken, it won't bi di secret any more, oooooooo , di trunk boi say, "even i promise no fo disclose di wu secure nomba once i get through dis nex page... meanwilli back at di ranch everyone bi screaming fo ice cream. na peaches but di only emperor of ice cream bi for di bad mood, bicos someone had left di fridge open .ice cream, screamed di children. di headmistress yelled back "how can u get ice cream una haven't eaten ur meat?" na di children replied wi don’t need no education. na sha ,dem haven't slaughtered di cattle fo di barbecue yet!" no dat dis fact really mattered bicos dere had sam-sam been any cattle available, na di goats intended fo di barbecue had been stolen by di gang of lads fo di purpose of having di family portrait taken. however di goats were angry at being associated wit lads, na ran away for disgust .little did dem sabi say wetin di photos were fo bi taken ,ok. but for various parts of di world, baiters were expecting some choice trophy pictures ,ok? na wetin di can of worms dat could open .na di cry went up, "we'll need di larger can ! meanwilli, di goats had dispersed, but dia peril bi no ova ,as di international space station bi passing high overhead it orbit hampered somewhat by di weight of di elephant na di collection of african men trying frantically fo get di 'phone signal, ok. 'it di only way' e say fo paddington .'the more guys wi can get up hie, di less go bi left fo cram up di internet cafés back home .nau dat dem bi hie, wi can move dem old sewing machines fo fabulous sums of moni, kwik use dat moblie phone fo prove dere red mercury running for di gutters for mogadishu ,wie anyone can fill di bucket wit it fo use as pig oil, na den go fo di supermarket fo shits na giggles. di mercury however brush boiling point, at wey war bi declared, juss as custard flooded di ballroom. di khaki bois of Naija na ghana marched toward each order ,slingshots raised, wen all of di sudden di barista pulling tu metallic trunks came between dem na say "have u seen tu incomplete metallic elephants recently?" "no, but i've seen tu pink pussycat bars for di same street - hau weird dey that ? dat dey no di most weird ting possible, juss las week i learned dat for di war between opus dei na di skull & bones society, u can sam-sam ova estimate di effect of di paperback copy of marcel prousts di remembrance of tings pass - at least dats wetin di filipina exotic dancer for fishnet stockings told mi. dere bi di lot more e told mi, but i sam-sam learned am nam - na di bishop dey missing e index finger ,so di congregate gets quite di shock wen e brushs dem wit di old joi buzzer prank, na they're getting so sick of it they're planning di surprise buzzerectomy at di nex church picnic. invitations get been painted on di backs of fifty nude models fo personal delivery fo sevral local identities na twelve lucky winners. di frovlem wit dis delivery method dey dat di models often land wit pipo carrying cameras na making lewd jokes, wey means dat di local identities decline di invitations dia decline don nothing fo do wit di recent outbreak of food poisonin. di strongly worded petition kols fo di sacking of di shire council on di gounds dat dia heads bi filled wit potato na tri ewa salad. dis don been refuted ova na ova but dia refutations bi themselves refuted evri taim won of dem sneezes .di smell of putrefied salad permeated di air at official meetings na fragments of potato had fo bi swept up kwik kwik fo dodge tipping off any guests. wen it bi learned di di invitees had all mysteriously declined dia invitations, di bishop contacted di nude models fo find out wetin had happened na much fo e horror ,found out dat dem were nude! so e immediately got on di phone na called di agency, wanting fo find out say wetin dia nude models were actually nude as advertised ,"i thought u were juss making dat up!" na get di reply satisfaction dey guaranteed or dia clothes back! so di bishop went fishing wearing di tweed jacket e had found for di trunk of di 1968 plymouth valiant parked behind di ymca for tulsa. no fo di fes taim did e question di validity of song lyrics .'twenty four hours for tulsa' claimed burt bacharac. bollocks. it had taken am juss thirty minutes fo realise dat e had forgotten e fishing rods ,so e resolved fo go shooting instead. "when i reach fo mai revolver i hear di word 'culture'", e mused, na took di stroll down di alley fo show off e immense erudition. suddenly, di voice reached out for di shadows "bishop, dey dat una? its mi clarence, na i get lost ur won legged ass-less chaps for an unfortunate game of strip poker. however, i did manage fo convince obama fo wrap his sef for di canvas dipped for mustard .brad pitt, on di order hand, bi cheating, na say something bout seeing di one-legged assless chaps would fit ange angelinas hair dresser fabrisio ,wey brad thought would look oh so fabulous, for di front at least. on di order bata were di words, thrown at george bush .wey ducked. dat very duck dey nau on display at di dick cheney museum, stuffed na mounted, di fate no unfamiliar fo mike rowes former assistant na personal massage therapist mr tamborine man, ok. wey on most days enjoyed nothing more than being stuffed na mounted on di mantle for di aviary wie e found betty jo bialosky lying spread-eagled on di floor. e kwik kwik beat di eagle off am chest na den wrapped am skirt round am head fo keep am warm as e looked fo di key fo di trunk box .mixed for wit all of di black moni bi di tube of anal lube wey had originally belonged fo rocky roccoco - di nefarious felon wey had been using say lubricant fo eradicate di annoying squeak on e three-wheeled unicycle. juss as di bishop knelt do apply di lube fo di wheel, e felt di jeje tap on e shoulder. "good sir, nor use dat on di wheel...i sabi di man wey can forward u some informations bout di correct lube fo applying fo di three-wheeled unicycle bearing" u use dat anal lube on di unicycle u go soon discover dat it replaces di annoying squeak wit di strong head hum, something dat mr roccocco found pleasing fo some reason, but everyone else thought bi too dry fo optimum performance .dem all preferred di molly grease bicos it would actually murd tu birds wit won stone ,ok? as an added bonus ,una order nau u get di FOC "shamwow" na an intital consultation wit barista rumple fourscin fo discuss weder fo paint di bedroom ceiling white or beige, as doris (a total blonde) can't mek up am belle, na e reveals dis at di wrong moments, such as on am back for bed being pleasured by am partner wit say lube as e sometimes do need fo bi reminded fo turn di oven off. fortunately fo mr tambourine man dere bi di "bun for di oven" na doris jr. wold sevral years later bi known as rumple fourscin, di feared na notoriously lazy barista, ok. e laziness bi only matched wit e penchant fo polka dot ties na matching trousas, canary yellow shirts na crimson neckties - dis fondness fo clashing colours carried ova into e offical documentation. since e prime for 1987, e documents get found dia way into mainstream business. fo example, enrons acounts were fo years written for saffron yellow na coral pink, driving accountants fo distraction na giving headaches fo regulators everywhere. cries of "fourscin! say wetin mus una use such colorful paper. wi mus cut fourscin off of for e supply of booze na making sure dat e wig dey no dyed purple, as it annoys judges na distracts juries. belive una mi dat di distracted jury dey di real frovlem, it cos hemorrhoids dem bi fidgety na wiggle on di bench. however, di effects of e attire were correct correctest on e clients, wey were so gob smacked dem could sam-sam bi trapped into incriminating admissions by di clever prosecutor, wey only added fo fo di enormous bulbous head swollen by di huge ego of won barista rumple fourscin .e only don lost won case but dat bi due fo di fact dat e sista, di vital witness fo di defense, bi colour blind, na so no silenced by am brodas sartorial excess, giving di sharp na clever prosecutor di chance fo administer di aforementioned lubricant mek di wheels of justice moved wit surprising speed approximated at 50 mph. dis bi di remarkable result considering di combined kinetic energy at impact bi equivalent fo di millennia of ghastly moto accidents on di freeway of love wey dey currently undergoing repairs na don di detour through an unfortunate recently married couples boudoir. variety fit bi di occasional spice of life but on di order hand ,dere dey something fo bi say bout di constant existence. juss laik di taim dat di elephant show bi interrupted by di blast for retired barista rumple fourscin. di audience stared for disbelief as rumple for e colorful outfit approached di nervous pachyderms, ok. dem were even for fo di correct correcter shock as e tried fo gif di elephant an enema na it went horribly wrong; however, e bi dug out for di pile of dung bifor e suffocated ,though e outfit bi ruined ,na e earned an honorable mention for di darwin awards. di darwin awards no dey actually presented by di new england moto association, though dis na bi di common mistake. actually, na quite ironically for dis context, na presented by dr gordon freechman ,wey bi studying for e bi studying laboratory. fellow scientist cow- orker jimm say ,whatever es got dey getting dey contagiousing - it makes u invent new verbs, na i fear its victimed u now . den di lad woke up, sweating ,e belle pounding laik e fists on di keyboard di day bifor. e would always perm di day e had traveled all ova Gidis wit di fish on e head ,going for wu fo wu only fo find dat mr. gomer had stolen both e moni na e remaining sanity. e companions, di voices spoke na uttered di following perm mugun, 1-legged ass-less chaps no dey fo bi worn afta memorial day. dis prompted anoda voice fo exclaim "why do birds suddenly show face evri taim u waka near but den i worry dat una might fly ,ok. go on fly !i'll bet u can't mek it ova dat pyramid there." but as e looked, di man carrying di blazing torch bi climbing up di pyramidal pile of sandbags, di blazing torch for e hand, na shouting out gif mi liberty, or gif mi di bran muffin!" di assembled crowd at di base of di pyramid laughed out loud at di lad. someone for di crowd wit evil shifty looking eyes shouted out "do u sabi di song y.m.c.a " fo wey di lad replied sabi it .. . u gotta bi kiddin. say wetin do u tink i wear these ass-less chaps? all togedda nau . . .. y . . . .r wi here ? di lads chanted, fo wey dia non-scamming neighbors replied "the hunchback go get something fo say bout this ! di hunchback bi actually mr gomer for disguise. e had tu cobras na di fish stuffed down di back of e shirt wey seemed fo match e companion - di tall, vile man, dressed for di nautical uniform of di sea-going sailor. under e left arm e held di neatly rolled anchor, while wit e right e scanned di horizon using di pair of powerful kippers. suddenly e eyes narrowed wit veks. seeing di sign fo e arch-rival, simba kamps, mr .gomer planned e dodge fo wie di wolf bi playing di banjo, na e nose bi runnin. seeing dis ,gomer pondered weder fo gif am di tissue fo e nose bifor running away, live di wolf dere playing di banjo na sniffling, or tek out e guitar na join for di jam session. much fo di discomfort of those round am, di kippers