Dutch Dying Rich Widow - Forms on page 3

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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:02 pm

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 6:36:41 PM
Subject: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear.

I am filling the form right now,just keep the documents money with you, as soon as am true [I only wish he were ever truthfull]

with them, you will send the documents money immediately.

Now am very happy to be a members now.

Best Regards

Please i will like you to call me immediately.

Barr

+228-<snip>

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:24 pm

I guess he dont know about the monument of faith and the final ordination process yet....... Twisted Evil

And finally having to travel at least 200 miles to the nearest existing TW4T church to pick up his cash.

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:25 pm

He doesn't. I made sure not to mention it.

ETA: Once he does become a member, can he use the title Standing Member in TWAT?? I'd surely like to start him signing all his letters with that Very Happy

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:52 pm

You can always tell him that you a forbidden to talk to a Initiate TW4T during the ordination process....those damm church rules

If he needs to talk to anyone it has to be his TW4T mentor and give him Mr Scissorkicks phone number again....Who is looking forwards to playing the Rev Hugh Wink

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:39 pm

Yeah, once he's turned in the application forms I'll tell him he's now an Initiate TWAT (We'll need to think of something funnier to call him..) and that I may now no longer communicate with him but that if he really needs to speak to someone he can call Rev Hugh.

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:44 pm

TWAT in Training

T.I.T

Im sure he'll be the biggest TIT in his village Laughing

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:52 pm

I was thinking about the subtle misspelling of "Pendent Member" or something Very Happy

ETA: Was just reading the first TWAT-thread in YeaWhatever's siggy, and I saw this there:

JMRazor wrote:

Don't forget to announce that once a month, TWAT fills its vast cathedral with celebrants to worship before The Acclaimed Majestic Pyramid Of Nativity. Everyone wears all white of course....

We should definitely mention that.

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:59 pm

yeah good one....anything with member is good especially when phase 2 kicks in members and erections....lol

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 11:41 pm

Koffi mailed me again to let me know that he was filling the forms in so I sent him some good news about his status

Quote:

Dear Koffi that is good news indeed.

As soon as you have filled out the paper work the church council will change your status to Applicant Reverend Status Enrolling ,to be known as A.R.S.E.

You will remain an A.R.S.E until completion of ordination then you will become a fully fledged TWAT.

We ask you to be patient and folow all Instructions given by our Reverends because A.R.S.E's are behind TWATS in all matters.

Oh I almost forgot please send receipts for all expenses as we need to keep our books upto date

Regards

Rev Hugh

Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 5:16 am

Nice one... (and so true puke

)

Not quite a Newb Joined: 25 Jan 2009 Posts: 26

Simply awesome Laughing

Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 7:44 am

Okay.. to expand the awesomeness of the ARSE, he'll be receiving this once I get his forms:

Not mailed yet!!!!!!!!!!! wrote:

<another explanation of ARSE>
You may also use this status as a temporary title to sign off your e-mails with. I.E.:

Barrister
TWATSITE - <add your own site here if you have one>

We highly suggest using this status in any e-mails with all your contacts so that possible other members may recognize you as a pendent member in TWAT and may give you the respect that is due to your future rank within our church.

The most recent conversation:

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Thursday, April 23, 2009 9:22:01 AM
Subject: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear.

I have fill the form right now,and am very happy to be a member.

This morning Mr peter called me this morning that he want to
travel to another country for a project.

Please any thing you can do to send the money of the documents to me now,please do it,
because of if Mr peter travel now,no way will can get it again and you know the bank are waiting for us to come with the documents.

Please understand the problem now.

Call me as soon as you are through right now to send the money to me now.

Best Regards

Barr
++2-8-<snip>

Coffee wrote:

From Coffee
To Neil
Date 23 april 2009 08:55
Subj Re: Your Church Membership

Dear in the lord.

Please my fax is not good, will attach the form immediately.

Also am very happy to hear from you.

Best Regards

Barr

+228-<snip>

Neil wrote:

From Neil
To Coffee
Date 23 april 2009 09:41
Subj Re: Your Church Membership

Dear barrister ,

May the Lord's blessing lay upon you!

I'm very glad to hear that you have filled out the form, I recall that I have already told you that our fox isn't as good as well so you'd have to attach the scans to an e-mail anyway.

As soon as you're forms are received by us you will be notified by us, from that moment on you your status will be updated to (acronym: A.R.S.E). [Note the new ':' and ',' in the ARSE definition, I thought it made more sense that way.]

I look forward to receiving from you!

Yours Faithfully,
<usual email siggy>

So hopefully we'll soon be receiving the forms Very Happy

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Coffee
Sent: Thursday, April 23, 2009 10:07:03 AM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear barrister ,

I have not yet received confirmation from one of the reverends that you are a standing member and so I can not believe that you are yet. I'm afraid that the rules of the TWAT prevent me from sending you money right now, as much as I'd like to.

I certainly hope to hear again from you soon, that we may soon welcome you as a standing member in our TWAT!

Yours Faithfully,
Simon

EDIT: Added Coffee's and Simon's mails to.

Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:27 am

Im going to set up a new K7 number with a tedious long message.

Its the General Applicants Services Helpline or G.A.S.H Razz

Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 9:01 pm

Neil wrote:

Dear barrister Coffi,

You said you would attach the forms immediately and send them to me, but I still haven't received them yet. Have you sent the mail yet or has something gone wrong after you sent it? Please make firm what you have done.

Please get these forms to me as soon as possible so that you may be able to erect your own TWAT church and spread it in your country.

Yours Faithfully,
<siggy>

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 3:22 pm

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Crates
Sent: Thursday, April 23, 2009 3:38:16 PM
Subject: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear in the lord.

Please understand that i make up my mind to be a member.

after every thing will lost the documents, what will be my happyness,right now i told Mr to wait untill i hear from you soon.

Please understand the condiction and send the money to me immediately,becuase any more time will west to get the documents from Mr no body can do it for us again.

Also one of your member called me on telephone line yearsterday and will take alot.

Waiting to receive the money of the documents now.

This is the information you will ['will'?? Ohh, the cheek!]use to send the money to me now,send the money through
western union money transfer, is my secretary will receive the money

NAME------ [Who the F is that?]
COUNTRY----LOME TOGO

Best Redards ['Retard', you mean? Well... you certainly are]

Barrister

Please call me let me explain every thing to you.

+228-<snip>

This was already quite an old mail when I replied to it.

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Coffee
Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 5:18:28 PM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear barrister ,

May the Lord bless you!

I already know, but I'm still glad about it, that you've decided to become a member in our TWAT. But I must repeat once again that I can't transfer any money to you unless you're a member so please speed up as much as you can so that I may transfer the $5000 (that was the correct amount wasn't it?) to you as soon as possible. I completely thrust that you are up to the simple task of sending these forms to Reverend .

Speaking of these forms, Reverend and I recently had oral intercourse over the phone while our minds were on you. He told me that you had told him you were going to send the forms but he still hasn't received from you yet. He told me that these forms were like a piece of cloth in front of the entrance to the TWAT, once he'd receive from you this piece of cloth would be removed and you'd be able to see the entrance of the TWAT in all it's glory. He also told that if you thought there was a problem with his box you may send the forms to my box and then I would get the forms to him.

Yours Sincerely,
Simon

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:03 pm

I've got a good mind to get over to Togo and knock some F*****g urgency into this lazy TWAT Mad

@MoP

I have 2 new lads wanting to join the Church. Would you like to help me play with them?

We could even try an alternative Church.

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 9:12 pm

I'd love to. Koffi has just replied to my 'normal' character.

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 7:11:26 PM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

DEAR.

I WILL SEND THE FORM,BECUASE I HAVE FILL IT, BUT RIGHT NOW MY SCANER IS NOT ALRIGHT, I WILL SEND IT AS SOON AS AM THROUGH WITH MY SCANER.

AM EVERY HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU NOW. [Wait for it... wait... Laugh!]

BEST REGARDS

BARR

CALL ME NOW.

+228-<snip>

I'd love to play with some potential new inductees!

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 9:18 pm

I'll forward the 2 potential A.R.S.E.S to Rev N31l's e mail for him to consider.

One is really up for it, and the other knows a good friend who is a man of god Rolling Eyes

Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:29 pm

I remind him that I still haven't got the forms.

Neil wrote:

To Coffee

Dear Barrister ,

May the Lord's blessing lay upon you.

I have still haven't received the forms from you, please get them to be as soon as possible. I hope you understand that there's no possibility of becoming a standing member unless I receive the forms. Please make haste.

I feel God's love gently throbbing through my love vein, as it will through yours once you're in the TWAT

Yours Faithfully,
<siggysnip>

Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 1:43 pm

Neil sent out this (to all potential TWATs that Badger and I are dealing with (all in BCC of course)) on thursday:

Neil wrote:

Dear Applicant Reverends,

You are among the few chosen to receive a fund of up to $350.000 to build a church in your respective countries and spread the TWAT there. Please do consider that this is an absolute privilege and that many others would do everything to be allowed to erect their own church to spread the TWAT. I am sad that I have to announce to you that the committee that decides on the distribution of this fund is getting doubts about your capabilities for erecting your own church.
They argue that it has been a long time since you have been sent the application forms and that we still haven't seen them filled out nor that we have any proof of you making a serious effort in filling the forms out and returning them to us. I am afraid that if we don't see any progress soon the committee will decide to terminate your application, this will mean that you will no longer be eligible for receiving this fund nor will you ever again be able to become a standing member in the TWAT.

I hope to hear from all of you as soon as possible.

Yours Sincerely,
--
<siggysnip>

On Saturday, Neil got this:

Coffee wrote:

Dear in the lord.

I will send the application on monday morning.

Best Regards

Coffee

+228-<snip>

Then to Simon:

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Saturday, May 9, 2009 9:34:58 PM
Subject: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear.

Thank you for your mail.

My family are very sick,But any moment from now i will send the application.

Please call me immediately and have you hard from the bank?

Waiting to hear from you now.

Best Regards

Barr Coffee

+228-<snip>

Simon replies:

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Coffee
Sent: Sunday, May 10, 2009 3:18:20 PM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear barrister Coffee,

I'm very sorry to hear about your family, I hope they will recover very soon. Maybe they should become standing members in the TWAT too, besides that it will make them feel much better it will also grant them salvation from their sins.
I'm very glad that you will send the application form soon, this brings great joy to me. I'm afraid I haven't heard anything from the bank at all (I might have missed that mail, but I don't really think so..), but then again I've told them a long time ago that they should ask you about the progress with the forms as you were arranging that. So, have you heard from them perhaps?

Yours Sincerely,
Simon

I can't wait till tomorrowmorning Very Happy

Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 6:38 am

We seem to have acquired the laziest bunch of Lads on the planet.
I think we need to catch up with the ARSE situation and concentrate on some new blood.

I have asked for an invite to the bible study conference and I see you are having a Plug at pastor ch4rley plus theres the guy wanting to save his unborn baby lets see what happens with them Crying or Very sad

Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 4:30 pm

Coffee wrote:

From Coffee
To Rev Neil

Dear in the lord.

Sorry for late reply.

I have send the application, as soon as you receive it let
me know ok.

Waiting for your good response.

Best Regards

Barr Coffee

+228-<snip>

Attached were these scans of forms, also in a somewhat scrambled order, which I've fixed for you guys Wink

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Friday, May 15, 2009 12:14:05 AM
Subject: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear.

I have send the application right now, you will send the documents fee
immediately.

Waiting to hear from you now.

Please call me ok.

Barr Coffee
+228-<snip>

Bank wrote:

From: bank
To: simon
Sent: Friday, May 15, 2009 7:53:24 PM
Subject: ATTENTION.

ATTENTION.

WE ARE STELL WAITING FOR THE DOCUMENTS, HURRY UP AND GET BACK TO
US IMMEIATELY.

FROM DIRECTOR OFFICE.

DR JAMES C EMMANUEL.

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Friday, May 15, 2009 8:07:12 PM
Subject: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear.

Am waiting to hear from you,how the the money will be send for the documents.

Waiting to you now.

Barr Coffee

Please call me immediately.

+228-<snip>

ETA:
Neil just sent this:

Neil wrote:

Dear barrister Coffee,

May the blessing of the Lord lay upon you.

I'm sorry for my late reply, but I had a really busy session with the quire boys. Your forms are being looked at by the committee now, I'll let you know their progress as soon as I hear it.

Yours Faithfully,
--
<siggysnip>

Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 10:09 am

Simon lost his temper, more or less... And replied to both the bank and Coffee. They need to know their place.

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Bank
Sent: Sunday, May 17, 2009 11:58:29 AM
Subject: Re: ATTENTION.

Dear dr Emmanuel,

I have already told you that you should contact barrister Coffee for the documents. Why do you guys keep forgetting that, are you even capable of properly arranging stuff like this?

You can contact barrister Coffee on: <snip>@yahoo.fr

Please don't contact me about the forms again.

Yours,
Simon

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Coffee
Sent: Sunday, May 17, 2009 12:09:21 PM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear barrister Coffee,

It sounds an awful lot like you are commanding me to send you the money right now, I really don't like your tone. You are not my boss and you will absolutely never be. It also feels like you are blaming me for slowing this transaction down, but you should know that it's not me who's slowing this down.
If there has been any slowdown it was your fault as well as the fault of the incompetent fool . I told you multiple times that I cannot send you any money unless you are a member of my church. Yet you take almost a full month (the reverend told me that when he emailed me that your forms had finally been received) to send back the application forms, that's a months time of slowing the transaction down and it's not my fault. You could've sent them back in three days and you could've been a member already.
So don't try to boss me around, I've told you multiple times that I'll send the money when you're a standing member in the TWAT. Once you've reached that rank I'll receive a message from one of the reverends telling me that you've became a full standing member in the TWAT and only then can I transfer the money to you. But rest assured that once I receive that message I'll send you the money immediately.

I'll be awaiting your excuses for your insolence.

Yours,
Simon

I'm half expecting him to come up with his own fake TWAT-reverend telling me that he's a full member now... That'll mean a slap of epic proportions and a good laugh. But then again he probably isn't smart enough for that.

Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 2:20 pm

Paternal Regent in Christ King, sort of an overlord for Twats, TiTs and Gash.

Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 12:02 am

I know I am probably being too picky but does the good barrister not have to affix 3 different photographs of himself to prove that he is genuine and at least be in the family snap too.

We maybe should bring these discrepencies to his attention MoP

@Dr Stephen Williams

Thank you for your suggestion I think a PRICK should enter this TWAT bait soon Laughing

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