Dutch Dying Rich Widow - Forms on page 3

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Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:39 pm

Yastreb wrote:

BTW - that name 4lex C0mf0rt was nagging at me...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/4lex_C0mfort

Quote:

4lexander C0mfort (10 February 1920-26 March 2000) was a medical professional, gerontologist, anarchist, pacifist, conscientious objector and writer, best known for The Joy of Sex, which played a part in what is often called the sexual revolution. He was also the author of many other books on a variety of topics.

I'm sure Mr C0mf0rt would approve of all the intercourse, lubrication and entering of passages in this thread then Laughing

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 1:46 pm

This is getting better and better!

If I had the time I'd start one of these baits right now!

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 1:48 pm

I find it increasingly more fun too Very Happy

Especially the last couple of mails brought the following article to mind: Clicky!

ETA: It's also a very well written article...

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:06 pm

Some advice to you guys: until now you haven't used the magic word much which is money. It's a good thing to let the lad know your church has money but to get the lad to do anything you want is to promise him money. Just mention he will get some extra say 2.000 USD for any costs he made during his induction and dealing with the forms but he will receive it only after his proper induction ofcourse.
Great bait and keep the intercourse lubricated Very Happy

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:47 pm

Rev Neil wrote:

from Neil
to Coffee
date 17 april 2009 23:36
subj. Your Church Membership

Dear barrister Coffi,

May be the Lord's blessing be upon you!

As you know, reverend has passed your contact information to me so that I may induct you into , which I shall call TWAT from now on. Let me first say that it pleases me that you want to enter our tight community. We form a really close group who share (almost) everything together and help each other to reach new heights in our endeavors. Together we usually get things done in a really smooth way because we all have the right contacts. Once you have joined all these benefits will be available to you too, and we sincerely hope that you will have something to contribute too though it's no big deal if you don't. Amongst our members are some very cunning linguists (our translators), some outstanding oral performers in our quire [I thought about adding in the 'famous' singer Phil Latio there, but decided against it] as well as a few outstanding nurses [Yes, yes, you read that right.] and other medical staff.

Now I have expressed my happiness at your willingness I would like to penetrate to the heart of this intercourse immediately. Becoming a member in TWAT is not something that should be done lightheartedly. Once you enter the TWAT we do expect you to help us spread the TWAT so that more members can enter it. Because we know that spreading the TWAT is no easy task if you haven't been in it long there are large funds available to help you spread the TWAT by building a church for it and by making it publicly known and visible to the local population and for lubricating your intercourse with the local authority. After you have completed the induction you can receive as much as $200,000 for helping you spread the TWAT. Upon completion of the induction you may also ask for reimbursement of any funds you had to spend for it. If you are absolutely sure you still want to join TWAT I would like to hear from you soon and I shall then pass the registration form on to you.

Hoping this intercourse has satisfied you,
Yours Faithfully,

--
Reverend

www.twatsite

ETA: Oooohhh!!! 555'th post Very Happy

Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 6:22 am

Our Lad is very keen to have one of the reverends call him. we are ignoring him for the time being.

However a well timed phone call may go a long way in proving the churches sincereity ang get this bawbag well and truly hooked

VOLUNTEER REQUIRED

Ok we need one of our American baiters to agree to call our lad, playing the Character of either Rev Hu8h or Rev N31l . Preferably calling him in the middle of the night.

All you need to do is explain the basic fundamentals of joining TWAT and also let him know that telephone intercourse will not be an option from now on as we are too busy in our missionary positions to have oral intercourse with every applicant....etc

If anyone would like to be the voice of TWAT pm me or MoP for the lads number.

Thank you in advance. Wink

Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 9:32 am

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Coffee
Sent: Saturday, April 18, 2009 11:30:08 AM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear barrister ,

Please keep me updated on the process of becoming a member in the TWAT. I shall keep the monies ready for you so I can pay you as soon as you have finished the intercourse with the Reverend and have officially been declared a member in the TWAT.

I hope that your intercourse with the reverend will be smooth and easy and that you will soon be able to attend one of our masses where one of the highest reverends, who are closest to the Lord of all of us, will be having intercourse with all the attending members at once and will convey God's seeds of wisdom to those who are willing to accept them. It is my personal experience that all members who attend such meetings return home more enlightened and happy than they were before. You are doing yourself a great pleasure by joining us!

Yours Faithfully
Simon

Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 12:34 pm

Coffee wrote:

From Coffee
To Neil
Date 18 april 2009 14:12
Subj Your Church Membership

Dear.

Please am intrested let know what i will do now to be a member.

Also call me immediately.

Best Regards

Barr

+228-<snip>

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Saturday, April 18, 2009 2:19:56 PM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear

I am co-operating to be a member of church ,all is well, and i happy to be a member.

Please as i am doing [it?] with your church, as well, will can proceed with the documents, so that the fund will relase to you.

Also you can try to send me money to get the documents and forward it to the bank for the relase of fund to you.

Please call me for more information.

Barr

+228-<snip>

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Coffee
Sent: Saturday, April 18, 2009 2:40:45 PM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear barrister

I am glad you are doing it well with my church. And you can certainly tell the other person to get the documents ready because if you are really copulating enough with our church you shall soon achieve a solid membership and then I can pay you. My wife is really wetting her lips thinking about all the charitable stuff we could do with all the money you are going to send us and I'm very excited about that as well.

Please keep me updated on your progress with the TWAT,
Yours Faithfully,
Simon

Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 8:37 pm

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Saturday, April 18, 2009 4:46:41 PM
Subject: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear Simon.

I thank you for your mail.

Please i will like you to call me immediately for more information.

Waiting to hear from you now.

Best Regards

Barrister

+228-<snip>

And the rev finally sends him his application forms (Also, the holy staff and the church boys are Badger's ideas, I just used them in my mail (so I can't really take credit for that Wink

)

Rev Neil wrote:

[color=Olive]
van Neil
To Coffee
Date 18 april 2009 22:33
Subj Re: Your Church Membership

Dear barrister ,

May the blessings of the lord be upon you!

Attached you will find the TWAT membership application form. We need you to fill this out completely and then e-mail it to me. I know the form says that it should be faxed but our fax machine is acting rather weird lately which has aroused suspicion about whether it can be trusted anymore amongst us. Therefore we have erected a policy that anything that normally would be faxed to us shall now have to be mailed. To ensure that your form indeed comes to us safely we would like you to scan it and e-mail it.

I am very sorry that I couldn't reply to your e-mail any earlier. I always reply to e-mails as soon as I see them but today has been a very busy day for me and I have only just checked my e-mail. Today I was up to my holy staff in quire boys, during the morning we've had a session of oral performance (some of the quire boys have made considerable progress training their little throats, which really pleases me) and during the afternoon we've had a session of staff polishing. You will get your own holy staff and incense balls once you have opened your own church. These are necessary tools for masses, blessings and other tasks that you shall need to perform once you have your own church. An important aspect of these holy staffs is that they need to polished regularly to maintain their state of gleaminess (which is of utmost importance and usually a reverends rank is reflected in the gleaminess and smoothness of his holy staff), the polishing is usually done by quire boys to teach them modesty.

I look forward to receiving your filled out form soon, and please remember not to make any stains on it. It is of much importance that the form looks crisp and clean (apart from the writing of course).

Yours Sincerely,
--
Reverend

www.twatsite

ETA: Oh, darn!! I forgot to mention the password. Intentionally. Embarassed

ETA2: See badger's post above! We might be needing someone for that call to push him over the line so he completely falls into our realm (of fantasy)

Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:47 pm

Coffee wrote:

From Coffee
To Neil
Date 20 april 2009 16:11
Subj Re: Your Church Membership

Dear.

Please i have tried to open the attachment is not opening, just send application form
how can open it.

Waiting to receive attachment i can open very easy or send it in e-mail direct.

Best Regards

Barrister

Please call me as soon as you the fapplication form +228-<snip>

He's gonna get a reply somewhere in the next few hours (35 mins withing receiving is just too fast) telling him to download and install a pdf reader (with linky and stuff), if all else fails I'll make him some jpegs.

Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 4:32 pm

Neil wrote:

Dear barrister ,

May the Lord's blessing be upon you!

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to respond to your e-mail immediately after you sent it, but once again I have been very busy in my Missionary Position so I hope you will understand. The form is really simple to open, everyone can do it really. Just go to this website: http://www.adobe.com/products/reader/ and click the "Get Acrobat Reader"-button and then follow the instructions. The file should be really simple to open then.

Please get back to me as soon as possible with those forms so that you might soon be able to start erecting your own church. I shall process your application as soon as I receive it, but please be aware of the fact that I will be busy the coming few days with supervising all the chores the quire boys have to do in addition to their oral performances. I'll have to make sure that they bend over in the right way while scrubbing the floor to prevent them getting back problems later while also making sure that the scrub thoroughly or they might not remove all the stains on the floor. [Yuck!]

Yours Faithfully,
--
<mail siggy>

Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 4:49 pm

PMSL.......I think I need to introduce him to Roger the Altar Boy Twisted Evil

Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 4:52 pm

Sure! I take it that Roger is being trained to do administrative tasks (as part of his education to become a churchmember of high stance Razz

) and will be helping in Coffee's induction into the church?

Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 4:58 pm

Roger is an other english word meaning to have sex

ie Lets Roger the Altar Boy.

Yes Roger may ba able to help with the erection process , making sure the erection goes high enough......... Laughing

Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 6:47 pm

^^^^ Sounds like a hard task to me.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2009 Posts: 1440

Love the Uncyclopedia. Some perfect phrases there for Barr. Coffee

Quote:

Can you feel the resonance throbbing gently through this subtle discourse?

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:23 pm

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Coffee
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 10:37:50 PM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear barrister

It has been more than 2 days since I've heard of you, please tell me how your abduction by the church is progressing? I sure hope you're making good progress, I've got the $5000 reserved in my bank account to send to you as soon as you've been recocnized as a standing member. Please keep me updated on your progress!

Yours Sincerely,
Simon

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 11:42:05 PM
Subject: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear.

Please tell you members to send the application where it will be easy for me to fill it for them.

Am not good in computer contact them now because i am waiting for the application.

Best Regards

Barr

Please call me immediately.

+228-<snip>

Coffee wrote:

van Coffee
To Neil
Date 21 april 2009 09:30
Subj Re: Your Church Membership

Dear.

Good Day.

Am still waiting the form how it will be easy for to fill it for you now.

Barr

call me let me explain this for you.

+228-<snip>

Coffee wrote:

From: Coffee
To: Simon
Sent: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 9:32:16 AM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear.

Am still waiting for them give the form how it will be easy for to fill it for them now.

Barr

call me immediately.

+228-<snip>

So, I e-mail him again:

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Coffee
Sent: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 3:04:58 PM
Subject: Re: Dear Simon Waiting to hear your urgent response.

Dear barrister

I can imagine that you are annoyed that they still haven't sent you the form but consider they are very busy in their missionary position with the quire and altar boys who need to be properly educated. Are you still in contact with reverend or has he passed you on to someone else to induct you? Let me know and I'll remind them of the urge to have more frequent intercourse with you.

Yours Faithfully,
Simon

And I get an e-mail from the Bank again..

Bank wrote:

From: Bank
To: Simon
Sent: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 2:59:15 PM
Subject: ATTENTION SIR.

ATTENTION SIR.

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU,WE ARE WAITING THE DOCUMENTS WILL PROVE YOU
BENEFICIARY OF THIS FUND IN OUR BANK.

SINCE YOU ARE THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND IN OUR BANK.

SO PROVE YOUR SELF NOW WITH THE REQUESTED DOCUMENTS NEEDED FROM YOU IMMEDIATELY.

FROM DIRECTOR OFFICE.

DR SIR

I reply:

Simon wrote:

From: Simon
To: Bank
Sent: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 3:09:58 PM
Subject: Re: ATTENTION SIR.

Dear James,

I am still in the process of getting those forms, I'm being assisted by a certain barrister but there has been an obstacle. I don't quite understand all the legal entanglements and I'm merely groping around for something solid to hold on to because I'm really getting quite lost and panicky with trying to procure the documents. But luckily the barrister is there to help me with them and he is having intercourse with the right people so I can get the forms.
If you want to know more about the stance of business please have some intercourse with the barrister and he will tell you all about it, the barrister can be contacted at <snippitysnip>.

Yours Faithfully,
Simon

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:01 pm

@MoP

I think we may have to do the phone call to keep this bozo interested. do you know anyone willing to give them a call?

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 4:29 pm

I agree, the lad has now gotten to a point where he'd also like to call us. So people who are volunteering to make or take the call (and preferably are able to record it) please apply by PM or in this thread.

My latest e-mail to the lad (Introducing Roger the Altar Boy, badger's new character):

Neil wrote:

From Neil
To Coffee
Date 21 april 2009 18:11
Subj Re: Your Church Membership

Dear barrister ,

May the Lord's blessing lay upon you!

I am sorry that it took so long for us to tend to you. While I know my way quite well with e-mail I'm not that good with computers as a whole so I was not able to get the form done in another fileformat. Therefore we asked , who's quite capable with his hands on a mouse, to make the form in another format. Now Roger also has his normal education so he didn't have very much time to tend to your needs to but he managed to do this in his lunch break (between cleaning my staff and polishing all the orbs and knobs in church, he'll be tending to the bushes and snappers tomorrow). This boy really is an angel for being so helpful to others, he was helping you become a standing member while I was lying on one of the benches doing my afternoon nap, if I hadn't been so sleepy I'd certainly have given him a vertical smile then and there.

Well, let's not waste any more time in getting you to be a standing member. Attached you will find the pages of the form, please return in to me as soon as possible. I really can not wait till the moment that I may guide you through our church to the sweet spot in front of our altar (which was generously donated to us by , once you become a standing member you may actually meet him once). There really is a box full of joy waiting for you to join us!

Yours Faithfully,
--
<siggysnip>

ETA: I've got to give some credit to Wiktionary/Wikisaurus for providing me with loads of slang/synonyms.

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 6:19 pm

LOL..this just gets sicker and funnier

I wonder if we should mention the church youth orchestra

All those Instruments Laughing

Not too forget the young violinists AKA the kiddie fiddlers
^^^^^^^
I reckon Im gonna burn in hell for that one Twisted Evil

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 6:50 pm

k0ff1 just mailed me aking for help with the forms.....plus guess what he wants a phonecall Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 7:11 pm

Errr.. help with the jpg forms? Or hasn't he received the jpg's yet?

Sure you can help him if you want to... Just give some vague instructions about how the forms should be filled out and that truth is of utmost importance because else god will strike him with impotency (or something similar which fits well in your message). Of course you can't fill out the form for him because I will recognize your handwriting as we've often been doubling up for choir/altar boy education.

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 10:39 pm

Firstly a big Thanks to the Lovely Jill for calling the Lad and restoring his faith in the TW4T
clapping

Quote:

Dear Brother K0ff1

I believe you had meaningful oral intercourse with The Reverend V3r4 Nyst1ttc3, I hope you had a pleasant chat.

This is my personal telephone number K0ffi. It is my home telephone so I would ask you not to pass it on to anyone else thanks

Please feel free to Contact me and we can discuss any other problems you have.

Kindest Regards

Rev Hu8h

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 12:41 pm

Indeed! A big thanks to you! (I wanted to do this early, but couldn't access eater.

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 1:31 pm

I,ve given Laddo Mr Scissorkicks phone number.
And he will record any calls..fingers crossed

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