HOW MUCH?!?

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Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 4:00 pm

Personal highest offer to date (emphasis added)...

Quote:

WE THE MANAGEMENT OF THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL OIL COMPANY OF THE UNITED KINGDOM WISHES TO BRING TO YOUR INDULGENCE THAT WE ARE AWARDING THE CONTRACT OF $250 BILLION DOLLARS TO YOU SO THAT YOU WILL USE IT TO SERVICE OUR OIL WELLS AND PIPELINES IN SAO-TOME AND PRINCIPE AND ALSO THE RURAL ELECTRIFICATION PROJECT OF THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL. AGAIN I ALSO WANT TO INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE NOTIFIED THE F.B.I DIRECTOR-MR.ROBERT SWAN MUELLER ABOUT THIS CONTRACT NOTIFICATION INFORMATION THAT WE HAVE SENT TO YOU FOR HIS APPROVAL,
SO DEFINITELY HE WILL GET INTOUCH WITH YOU IN A JIFFY BECAUSE ALL ARRANGEMENTS ON THIS CONTRACT MUST BE OFFICIALLY APPROVED BY THE DIRECTOR OF F.B.I BEFORE YOU CAN COMMENCE ON THIs CONTRACT. SO YOU HAVE TO COME AND REGISTER YOUR COMPANY AND LICENCE SO THAT YOU WILL COMMENCE ON THIS PROJECT AND THAT IS IF YOUR INTERESTED TO HANDLE THIS PROJECT.
GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS THE MODALITIES OF THIS TRANSFER.
MY KIND AND ESTEEMED REGARDS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
J0R03N V4ND3R V33R.
MD/CEO ROYAL DUTCH SHELL OIL COMPANY,
TEL;xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
WEBSITE;www.shell.com
UNITED KINGDOM/NETHERLANDS AMSTERDAM.

This is so @#$%ing dumb it's unbelievable!

Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 5:50 pm

Also great news from a victims point of view. Would hope that EVERY person on this planet would believe it was a scam... sid

** Retired ** Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 750 Location: Air

As sid said, hopefully all potential vics will see through this one for being so stupid.

Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 9:58 am

It gets worse! I think it's someone who knows my personae.

I replied somewhat curtly:

Quote:

I'd appreciate further details, thank you kindly.

This came back (emphasis added):

Quote:

IN RESPONSE TO YOUR E-MAIL, I ALSO WANT TO BRING TO YOUR INDULGENCE THAT THIS CONTRACT IS LEGALISED WITH THE BRITISH CABINET COUNCIL AND ALSO WITH THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION(F.B.I) BASED ON THE FACT THAT THIS CONTRACT AWARD INVOLVES LARGE SUM OF MONEY AND WE HAVE GONE THROUGH YOUR PROFILE AND I AM IMPRESSED FROM WHAT I SAW IN YOUR PROFILE. YOU ARE A RETIRED CAPTAIN AND I HAVE SEEN THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF HANDLING OUR CONTRACT OF THE SERVICING OF OUR OIL WELLS AND THE RURAL ELECTRIFICATION PROJECT IN SAO-TOME AND PRINCIPE. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE US YOUR BEST BY CARRY OUT THE PROJECT OF THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL NEATLY. YOU HAVE TO PROVIDE ME WITH THIS RELIVANT INFORMATION;YOUR NAME IN FULL,
YOUR ADDRESS;
YOUR PRESENT OCCUPATION;
YOUR AGE;
YOUR COUNTRY OF RESIDENCE; THIS INFORMATION WILL HELP ME TO OPEN YOUR CONTRACT FILE. KINDLY GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED IMMEDIATELY OK AND ALSO NOTE THAT THIS INFRMATION SHOULD NOT BE DISCLOSED TO ANY BODY, IT IS THE PRIVACY OF OUR COMPANY-THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL OIL COMPANY OF THE UNITED KINGDOM.

And then came this!

Quote:

I ROBERT SWAN MUELLER WRITE AS THE DIRECTOR OF FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (F.B.I) TO BRING TO YOUR INDULGENCE THAT I OFFICIALLY RECEIVED A FORMAL NOTITFICATION FROM THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL OIL COMPANY, UNITED KINGDOM, WHERE I WAS INFORMED BY THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL OIL COMPANY ENGR.J0R03N V4ND3R V33R THAT HE HAS AWARDED A CONTRACT TO YOU FOR THE SERVICING OF SHELL OIL WELLS IN SAO-TOME AND PRINCIPE AND ALSO THE RURAL ELECTRIFICATION PROJECT.
SO PRESENTLY THE MOBILIZATION FEE FOR THE CONTRACT IS WITH THE NATWEST BANK PLC, UNITED KINDOM PENDING TILL YOU ARE FULLY REGISTERED AS A BONA-FIDE CONTRACTOR OF SHELL AND YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE A NOTIFICATION FROM THE MANAGER OF THE NATWEST BANK ONCE YOU ARE FULLY REGISTERED AS A CONTRACTOR TO SHELL.
SO I WRITE TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS OFFICIALLY LEGALISED AND APPROVED BY ME. SO I WANT YOU TO FEEL FREE TO TRANSACT WITH ENGR J0R30N V4ND3R V33R THE COE OF ROYAL DUTCH SHELL ON THIS NOTE.
SO GET BACK TO ME ANY TIME YOU NEED MY ASSISTANCE FOR I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU.

Words fail me, and that ain't often!

Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 6:18 pm

Hmmm...perhaps this contract is in Zimbabwean dollars...in which case, the entire $250 billion contract is worth a grand total of about ten dollars! Laughing

Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 12:12 pm

After a reminder to get the name right, Mal replied:

Quote:

I'd like to point out that yes, I am a retired Captain who served with honor in the United States Marine Corps, commanding a gunship flight and a rifle company, but that's the limit of my leadership ability and business acumen. However, if you think that's enough to qualify me, who am I to argue?

Mal then sent his particulars, sent a brief acknowledgement to Bob Mueller, and awaited events.

Today, from Oil Lad and FBI Guy...

Quote:

YOU ARE HIGHLY QUALIFIED TO HANDLE THE CONTRACT OF $250 BILLION ON THE SERVICING OF OIL WELL OF THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL OIL COMPANY IN SAO-TOMEAND PRINCIPE AND ALSO THE RURAL ELECTRIFICATION PROJECT ON THE SITE. BASED ON YOUR PREVIOUS CARRIER BEFORE YOUR RETIREMENT, I HERE BY AWARD THE CONTRACT TO YOU. ALL I NEED IS A NEAT JOB FROM YOU.
THIS ARE THE JOB DESCRIPTION ON THE SITE OF THE OIL WELL
- 1.WELL TESTING;-Our innovative surface and downhole well testing service delivers accurate results that help you characterize your reservoir economically, giving you confidence in your well's ability to produce.and it includes all the followings;-Data acquisation and interpretation,Drillstem testing and early production facility,multiphase well testing and monitoring services, reservoir fluid sampling analysis,subsea well control services,surface testing,reservoir changes.
2.CEMENTING OF THE OIL WELL;-Reduce costs and risk and protect the environment with complete zonal isolation. Will help you hydraulically isolate hydrocarbon and water zones.
3.WELLBORE AND RESERVOIR REMEDIATION;-Ensure accurate placement of stimulation fluid. Isolate perforated intervals with CoilFLATE coiled tubing through-tubing inflatable packer. Combined with DepthLOG CT depth correlation log, you can treat reservoirs the most effectively. Discovery MLT multilateral reentry system is cost-effective and operationally simple for maximizing performance of multilateral wells. Jet Blaster jetting scale removal service is the engineered, high-pressure solution for efficient wellbore cleaning. PowerCLEAN engineered fill removal service conveyed on coiled tubing efficiently removes formation sands, silts, waxes, scales, and other debris that may be obstructing the wellbore.
4.DRILLING OF THE WELLS;- Directional Drilling;-optimized directional controls kick off to the total depth.
Logging while Drilling-accurate well placement and formation evaluation.
Measurements while Drilling -steer your wells to target
Drilling Optimization -Accurate well placement and formation evaluatuion
Real-Time Drilling - Remote monitoring, modeling, and controlling processes to optimize drilling.
Drilling Applications- optimize well planning and construction
Software -Use accumulated drilling knowledge to improve operational efficiency, better manage risk, plan smarter wells, and reduce cost over-runs.
5.COILED TUBING-
Innovative intervention services conveyed on coiled tubing to improve well and reservoir performance. Coiled tubing (CT) applications include matrix and fracture stimulation, fill and scale removal, CT logging, CT perforating, nitrogen kickoff, sand control, drilling, cementing, well circulation, and mechanical isolation.
YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE LOCATION MAP ONCE YOU ARE BEING REGISTERED AS THE BONA-FIDE CONTRACTOR TO THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL OIL COMPANY. SO YOU HAVE TO GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I WILL SEND YOU AN AUTHORIZATION LETTER OF THE AWARD OF CONTRACT TO YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS AND MY KIND REGARDS TO THE FAMILY.

Quote:

CORRECTIONS ARE DULY NOTED! I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS OF ENGR.J0R03N V4ND3R V33R BECAUSE I HAVE DULY APPROVED THE CONTRACT AND I HEREBY URGE YOU TO CONTINUE WITH THE CONTRACT BECAUSE IT IS LEGALISED AND APPROVED BY ME.
GET BACK TO ME ON THE MODALITIES AS IT GOES,

I think Mal needs details on the crew he'll be working with.

Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 12:48 pm

^^^ Not to mention the engineering specifications and blueprints on those Coiled Tubing works Smile

Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 4:13 pm

Oh how funny !!!

You can spend years asking specific questions about the wells...yes, you want the job but you want to make sure that they are up to standards, that you are familiar with the equipment, any number of things that could produce paper trophies (blue print, licensing permit, epa ok's...)

You don't want to rush into a job like this - you learned in the military to weigh all the options and take on what you can win...

You could even hire a lawyer to help represent your interests and liabilities...contracts galore !!!

Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 4:42 pm

$250 billion eh?

Even after taxes you'll be up there with Bill Gates and Warren Buffet.

Make sure that you get some sort of "certificate" from them with this amount on it.

And, don't forget to reward all your friends here on the Eater with a shiny Ferrari or two. Laughing

Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 9:36 pm

With Sunshine's and Ivana's advice in mind...

Quote:

Good news! And your reply is exhaustive. However, it prompts a couple of points I need clarification on.
Firstly, I'll need some details of the equipment itself. Your explanations are fine as they stand, but I'm outside my field of expertise. I need pictures and blueprints to get a complete understanding.
Second point - how many workers will I be controlling? What skill sets do they have? It's best I know these matters well ahead of time.

@Captain Pike; sure, why not, Ferraris all round, except for Star A Star, who thinks I'm his pet. Oh, and Pinkdragon's will have a gold-plated dashboard, and such other accessories as she sees fit... Pretty Rose

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 11:24 am

Seems they don't want to hand anything over just now...

Quote:

IN RESPONSE TO YOUR E-MAIL I WRITE TO BRING TO YOUR INDULGENCE THAT THE MANAGEMENT OF THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL HAVE AWARDED THE CONTRACT TO YOU, HAVE SAID THIS, FIND ATTACHED ARE THE DOCUMENTS FOR THE APPROVAL OF THE CONTRACT TO YOU.
RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE TO REGISTER YOUR COMPANY NAME AND THAT IS THE RC-NUMBER WITH THE CORPORATE AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT OF THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL AND YOU HAVE TO REGISTER WITH THE CORPORATE AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT OF THE ROYAL DUTCH SHELL WITH THE SUM OF $200,000(TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, SO ONCE YOU PAY THE FEES THEN YOU WILL BE REGISTERED IMMEDIATELY AND YOU WILL BE PROVIDED WITH THE BLUE PRINTS AND PICTURES OF THE SITE,THE SITE MAP, THE MACHINERIES WILL BE PROVIDED FOR YOU AND YOU WILL BE GIVEN DIRECTIVES ON HOW TO PROCEED, AGAIN YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE WORKERS THAT WILL BE UNDER YOUR CONTROL
AGAIN CONTRACT CAN BE AWARDED TO PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT OF EXPREIENCED BUT THEY WILL BE GIVEN THE GUIDELINES AND INNOVATIVE ON HOW TO PROCEED AND THIS WILL HELP TO BRING UP MORE EXPERTS IN THAT FIELD.
ONCE AGAIN, YOU HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT AND PAY THE SUM OF $200,000 IMMEDIATELY SO THAT YOU WILL BE REGISTERED AS A CONTRACTOR WITH OUR CORPORATE AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT, THAT IS YOUR FIRST STEP AND IT IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU DO THAT IMMEDIATELY.
I HAVE ATTACHED THE APPROVAL DOCUMENT FOR YOUR PERUSAL AND GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY ON THIS NOTE.

Well, that's shiny - but they clean forgot with all the eagerness for Mal to pay that they plumb forgot to say how!

Attached were these:

Mal replied:

Quote:

With respect, I think I'm owed a little bit more detail before things are finalised. I need a full briefing before I sign up to anything. Please expedite.

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 11:46 am

^^^ But it has not one but two RSOTs not to mention the coat of arms of the British royal family... what more do you need!! Laughing

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 12:58 pm

LOL nice and thankyou my dear yastreb gold plating on my car is not neccesary but a driver would be cool...better yet maybe I could have the honour of you driving me Wink

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 1:07 pm

Ask for a 1% retainer up front... Laughing

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 1:20 pm

pinkdragon wrote:

better yet maybe I could have the honour of you driving me Wink

It would have to be a chariot then - drawn by matched palominos or dapple greys perhaps?

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 1:32 pm

palamino's Smile

they are pretty especially the dark golden ones with the lighter manes.
or black horses are pretty too especially when they are fed well and have nice groomed shiny coats Smile

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 2:28 pm

pinkdragon wrote:

palamino's Smile

they are pretty especially the dark golden ones with the lighter manes.

That's pretty much the definition of a palomino isn't it?

Kind of like her over there
<-----
(the real Sunshine)

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:15 pm

nah sunshine, I have seen ones that are almost white looking...some that are tan looking... the ones I like are the sleek well groomed ones that look like gold in the sun not really dark and not really light just really golden Smile

anyway will be away for a bit take care all and especially you dear yastreb *hug*