I'm Drunk And Lonely

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Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 8:28 am

I always enjoy going for the lads who like to play at being English. The grammar in this one is not too bad so I've got my old Royal Air Force uniform out, dusted off the old moustache and opened a bottle.

Quote:

Metro Plaza, Plot 991/992
Zakari Maimalari Street
Cadastral Zone AO,
Central Business District, Abuja.

Attention:Beneficiary,

The BRITISH High Commission in Nigeria, Benin Republic,Ghana and Burkinafaso received a report of scam against you and other British/US citizens and Maylaysia,Etc. The countries of Nigeria, Benin Republic, Burkinafaso And Ghana have recompensed you following the meeting held with the Four countries' Government and various countries' high commission for the fraudulent activities carried out by the Four countries' Citizens.

Your name was among those scammed as listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit (NFIU). A compensation has been issued out in Certified Bank Drafts to all the affected victims and has been already been in distribution to all the bearers. Your draft was among those that was reported undelivered as at on Friday and we wish to advise you to see to the instructions of the Committee to make sure you receive your draft immediately.

According to the number of applicants at hand, 184 Beneficiaries has been paid, half of the victims are from the United States,we still have more 37 left to be paid the compensations of $2,500,000.00 USD each.

Your particulars was mentioned by one of the Syndicates who was arrested as one of their victims of the operations,you are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to him for any reason whatsoever as the U.S. secret service is already on trace of the other criminals.

So keep it secret till they are all apprehended.Other victims who have not been contacted can submit their application as well for scrutiny and possible consideration.

NFIU further told us that the use of Nigeria and Ghana Couriers was abolished due to interception activities noticed in the above mentioned courier services in Benin,Nigeria and Ghana and thereby have made a concrete arrangement with the DHL Courier Company for a safe delivery to your door-step once the beneficiary meets up the demand of the conveyance.

We advise that you do the needful to make sure the NFIU dispatches your Draft on Friday.
You are assured of the safety of your draft and availability. Be advised that you should stop further contacts with all the fake lawyers and security companies who in collaboration scammed you. Get back to me immediately to check if the delivery date suits you.

Yours in Service,
Mr. John Simmons

Squadron Leader McCorkindale-Templeton is ever so lonely since 'Dolly' got her 'wings' and joined the Holy Flying Corps so he is delighted to have someone to talk to.........................but he does have a tendency to drift off into the past.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Simmons,

Thank you for your recent communication, it makes a refreshing change to read good English. The Nigerian officials who have written to me mean well but they just don't understand our 'British' way of doing things and their grammar is a dog's dinner.

The amount of compensation seems inordinately high as I only lost £23.50 which I have written off against entertainment expenses on this year's tax return. I indulged myself in a set meal for two from 'Wok You Want?' in the High Street and a few tins of 'Boddies'.

How long have you been with the High Commission over there? I'm willing to bet you can't get a good Sunday roast and a nice pint of 'Thuttock's Gut Buggery' down the boozer.

In your missive you refer to a delivery date of which there is no mention. I assume you already have my particulars as those 'Yankie Boys' in their Secret Service are rather good at finding things out. Had them over here during the War you know. Couldn't get enough of our ale. 'Firkins Ring Ripper' and the notorious 'Trenchard's Followthrough Surprise' were particular favourites and are still exported to the New World to this day.

Please tell me a little more about yourself in your next letter. It would be so nice to have somebody to talk to as I'm all alone since Dolly popped her clogs. She's gone to that great Officers Mess in the sky where she is no doubt having a ball with all our old friends. Probably getting done up the 'wrong un' by 'Pinky Bagshott' every night. She wouldn't let me do it though. Oh no, anything for bloody Pinky - the bastard! Still, the law of the Officer's mess is paramount of course. 'What's mine is yours' and all that. Mind you, nobody who was right in the head would go near Pinky's wife with her face that could stop a clock. God she looked like a bulldog chewing a wasp with an arse you could park your Triumph in. Still, she could do the candle trick better than anyone. How it came back out STILL ALIGHT was a bloody mystery.

Anyhoo, the sun is almost over the yardarm (I had a very low one especially installed) so it's time for a little snifter.

Pip pip,
Squadron Leader Johnathon McCorkindale-Templeton (Rtd) OBE, DFC, MCC.

I have a feeling the old boy will get lonelier, and drunker, and will have joined the Royal Navy as this progresses.

Pip Pip, bandits at 5 o'clock.

Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 8:57 am

Top hole old boy

what what etc etc!

Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:33 am

Tallyho, yoicks and away!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 3123

R.E the title - welcome to Eater Laughing

Jolly what?

419Eater is my life Joined: 25 Feb 2009 Posts: 299

Bloody 'ell, he must be pro'er Bri'ish!

Rolling Eyes

Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 10:29 am

Quote:

Bloody 'ell, he must be pro'er Bri'ish!

I'll have the fecker drinking Gin & Tonic by the bucketful and pushing cucumber sandwiches in his face before too long.

Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 10:31 am

How's about some cucumbers up the wrong un?

Laughing

419Eater is my life Joined: 25 Feb 2009 Posts: 299

Inkerman wrote:

Quote:

Bloody 'ell, he must be pro'er Bri'ish!

I'll have the fecker drinking Gin & Tonic by the bucketful and pushing cucumber sandwiches in his face before too long.

And make sure he drinks plenty of tea!

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2009 Posts: 1440

Quote:

I'm all alone since Dolly popped her clogs.

Very touching! Laughing

Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 4:32 pm

Quote:

Very touching!

She bloody well was with Pinky Bagshott!

Mind you, rules of the Officers Mess......................mustn't forget that!

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 06 Feb 2008 Posts: 720

Quote:

Squadron Leader Johnathon McCorkindale-Templeton (Rtd) OBE, DFC, MCC.

I can top you I got the VD and Scar flying the old cabbage crate in the battle of Britain, shot 8 of the buggers down.

Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 5:43 pm

He replied...............I won't paste it 'cos it's the usual nonsense and makes no reference to myself or Dolly (the cow)

I sent this........

Quote:

Mr. Simpons! Good afteernoon.

McCorkinkydale here.

I would have though you might have reed my email to you. I did ashk about the devilery date but you have not told me when it is.

i do wish you could have toldd me somethingg about your lif ethere. I do so mish talking to fine English men like yoursellf.

I think my yardarm is too low..i am rather thinking I started on the claaaret too soon.

still, its what we would have done in the mness.

Occifer type me y'know.

anyhooo, must dash. member man, stand up for the Queen! let the ladies sit. dolly would sit on anyboddies cept mine. cow.