The great charity scam *dolla chops aplenty*

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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 3:27 pm

Excellent. I love these lads. I think if you hit them on the head with the clue bat, they would not get it.

Off to do some work. Back later. Have fun!

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

39-page form sent. Plus, I gave Betty a $450,000 sports car.

Quote:

Gentlemen,

Just when you thought I couldn't get any busier, whole new revelations about Betty's bookkeeping shenanigans surface. I worked late into the evening last night and came in early this morning to try to find $150,000 in petty cash unaccounted for during Betty's tenure as secretary. It appears that she had been siphoning off funds from every available source during her time here. Wasn't anybody curious about how a woman living on a secretary's salary could afford a Porsche Carrera GT?

The petty cash problem will most likely take up the rest of my day which means I won't have time to go over the IRS documents today. In the mean time, I have attached the new foreign donations form for the Reverend Hayes to fill out. It is, I believe, the final document that needs to be completed prior to the transfer of funds. I will take a completed draft as a scanned e-mail attachment for my records, but at least 7 copies will need to be mailed to the church for tax and anti-terrorism purposes. The copies can be packaged with the originals of the IRS forms. The sooner we get everything the sooner I can transfer the funds.

Peace,

Sage

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

Our lad wants a mailing address. Do we want to put some sort of time pressure on him to assure express delivery?

Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 3:48 pm

Give him the same address we used last time and make him express the forms. I'll try to get the yacht fired up and on it's way.

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

Just to make sure we are on the same page. I will ask him to express ship the documents and promise to deposit the money into a bank account of his choosing. Before I can do that somebody with a bit more authority will determine that hand delivering the money is a better option and we can try for a safari.

Seem right?

Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 4:12 pm

I think we'll have problems transferring the money and then make it seem like a good idea for Howard to drop off the money since he'll be in the neighborhood.

Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 5:20 pm

That sounds good to me.

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

Quote:

Dear Reverend Hayes,

Please send the paperwork to:

Sacred Heart Church
XXXX XXXXXX Dr.
Oretech, OR XXXXX

Church protocol demands that all foreign documents be sent via DHL express worldwide. Please send the original tax forms and seven copies of the foreign donation form.

The money is available now. The sooner we receive the paperwork the sooner we can complete this transaction.

Peace,

Sage

Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 2:57 am

It's a shame it will most likely arrive too late for this funding cycle...

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

I think we will make an exception if they will travel to pick up the funds.

Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 5:51 am

I think they will have to travel to meet the man who can bypass all the paper work.

Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:09 pm

@DSW: EXACTLY!

Remember how Danny boy took off for Abeche because he was tired of getting his dolla chopped? Now we just have to get the lads to think that travelling is a good idea.

Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 4:13 pm

H is north of our lad, right? Maybe he is only sailing a bit further south and would like to meet the lad at (insert horrible location here) before traveling north to Spain and Portugal.

SSC has a camp in Liberia, as an option. I have the keys to the liquor cabinet. Very Happy

We need to have some problems at the church, maybe our assets are temporarily seized by the IRS for failure to disclose something legal... or we make a mistake and send it to the imposterizers, at which point, our lads will be ripe to hussle to meet their kind benefactor... at some other venue.

I actually like the idea of another dollar chop, since it makes our lads so unhappy!

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

DHL package #2 has supposedly been sent. I definitely want to see the contents of this one.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:21 am

My yacht is currently headed for Brazil but I'm sure I can make a left instead of a right and head for Port Harcourt.

The DHL tracking number is not in the system. I suppose we should slap him for that.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:27 am

I think a trip to some port in Benin would be good.....

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

Quote:

Dear Reverend H4yes,

For the life of me I cannot get the tracking number to show up on the DHL website. Are you sure that you entered the number correctly? Are you sure that it was DHL that you used?

Please respond as quickly as possible. I am ready to process and transfer your donation once the paperwork arrives. Is there a bank account you wish me to use for the transfer?

Peace,

Sage

I figured I would try to grab another bank account before y'all decide to hand deliver the funds. Sage isn't the slapping type so I figured I would send a friendly e-mail.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 7:42 am

Quote:

Perhaps Howard should travel over there in his yacht to deliver the money.

Yes!

One of my very favourite baits to read of all time involved a dumb Lad wandering round West African ports looking for a non-existent vessel called the Saucy Sue, which was supposed to be easy to spot because the captain had tied his red trousers to the mast.

It also enables you to promise him expensive gifts and then lose them overboard in a storm off Benin. Laughing

(For any archaelogists interested in what baiting was like in 2002, the full seagoing bait is here.)

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 11:44 am

I'm thinking that really, Monrovia isn't too far away. I think we should have the lad get a big welcoming party ready for the yacht to show up and then of course, propellor troubles and oooops, stuck in Monrovia.

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

Per DHL:

Quote:

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Departed Facility in Abuja - Nigeria 12:07 Abuja - Nigeria
Shipment picked up 12:04 Abuja - Nigeria

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

I sent the account info to Alan.

Sage is going to promise to transfer the money by no later than Monday. Feel free to intervene to tell her that hand delivery is a better option.

Also, Betty sends her love:

Quote:

Gentlemen,

It has been a grand adventure thus far. Lando and I were a bit worried when we got down to our last $400,000 but on a stopover in Monte Carlo, Lando managed to double our bankroll at the craps table.

We are staying at a beautiful chalet in the Swiss Alps right now. The chocolate and the fondue are to die for. Really, you should visit here someday if you ever become rich like we are.

I attached a photo that I took from right outside our chalet. The gentleman in the picture is named Regis. He is our personal butler for this leg of the trip.

Drop me a line to let me know how badly our African friends have screwed up recent attempts to get them their money, as I am sure they have.

Thanks again,

Betty

Master Baiter Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 210

Per DHL:

Quote:

Arrived at Sort Facility East Midlands - UK 04:19
Departed Facility in Brussels - Belgium 03:21
Processed at Brussels - Belgium

Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 12:59 pm

Seems to be a problem:

Raphael, to Howard, with cc to the lads wrote:

Sir,

We may have a problem, sir, with the IRS. It appears the funds that were going to be released may be sequestorated temporarily because of the Abnormal Items that were deposited in the wake of Betty's theft. They are specifically interested in two deposits of $50,000.00 that you made, sir, and would like to speak with you when you return.

The problem seems to stem fro an interpration of our charter and the allocation of funds, which is to day they are unhappy with the embezzlement and have forwarded the files to Dept of Homeland Security for review. Betty appears to have forwarded some funds to Dubai, from which it moved on to another country. The bank they used is a known bank for Al Quaeda. It looks like they only have $250,000 left as of that trace, but that information is a bit old, sir, and from there, the trail of the funds has rin completely cold, sir. We will not be able to trace it further.

So, what this means for us, at this time, here, is that the funds we have collected will be unavailable to transfer for at least 6 weeks. We are opening a separate account for further funds, but at this time, the funds we have collected, which now amount to $318,589.72, are not available for disbursement.

I have already put $300 in the new account yesterday when Ms Lotta Wonderful made a donation of her pension cheque. Tony S Nerd has made a commitment for $23 which he will donate after Bingo.

If you have any questions, sir, please contact me. I have Suzanna working on getting the funds released, sir, but these people at IRS are mean people.

Respectfuly,

Raphael C Musa

Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 1:04 pm

I think it's time for Howard to cut through all of the red tape. Wink

Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 1:26 pm

Of course, if, after 6 weeks, Howard has been unable to meet with the lads, we will be able to, finaly, send the funds!

Some how, I think Howard will have as much difficulty as everyone else has in getting funds to the lads.

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