Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as:
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Also, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program, These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 12:57 pm

^^
Desperately seeking technical support!

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled!

I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally 'object-oriented.'

A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog.' It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic popup feature he can't turn off.

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway, due to insufficient resources. If anybody out there is able to offer technical advice...

Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 6:34 pm

Mexican Wave (goodbye)

click

As Homer Simpson would put it "D'oh!"

Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 12:26 pm

@Rorschach :

We receive many inquiries to this perceived problem. However it is almost always the result of a common error.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program.

This is a serious misconception.

Although Wife 1.0 includes many Utilities and Entertainment functions, Wife 1.0 is actually an entire Operating System. It has been designed to run everything.

Warning! Do not try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0. Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Many have tried "workarounds". These only complicate the situation.

For example, some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist.

Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.

We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters.

I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time.

To free up CPU time and improve performance be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines.

Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features.

New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration.

Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential, particularly when used with supplementary applications. For example, killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0.

There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:07 pm

Quote:

Here's the moment when former Royal Bank of Scotland CEO Sir Fred Goodwin's wife first learns that his £693,000-a-year pension has been grabbed by the UK government.

http://news.hereisthecity.com/news/business_news/8827.cntns

Very Happy

Hellish Taskmaster Joined: 31 Dec 2008 Posts: 537

GomerPyle wrote:

Quote:

Here's the moment when former Royal Bank of Scotland CEO Sir Fred Goodwin's wife first learns that his £693,000-a-year pension has been grabbed by the UK government.

http://news.hereisthecity.com/news/business_news/8827.cntns

Very Happy

Click on the video and it says that someone missed their flight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbVw7entkxg&eurl=http://news.hereisthecity.com/news/business_news/8827.cntns

Question

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

GSN_fan wrote:

Click on the video and it says that someone missed their flight.

Thanks for that stellar piece of research G_fan . . . but . . . ermmmmm . . . I think Gomer was making use of the double shuffle here.

Is there such a thing as a "video double entendre"? Laughing

Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 4:15 pm

Classic....

Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 12:17 pm

tiny bit nsfw:

http://www.bodyscapes.com/gallery-golf.htm

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

I have subscribed to genealogy lists for several years and have found genealogists to be both helpful and funny. Here is a post I received this morning from the London list digest. It is in reply to an elderly member who has been trying to "unsubscribe" by constantly sending messages to the main list. One of the funnier members thought he could help. Laughing

Quote:

Message: 3
Date: Mon, 09 Mar 2009 09:40:47 -0400
From: Ian Mxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [LON] unsubscribe (Mary Hxxxxx)
To: [email protected]

Here's how to unsubscribe:

First, ask me to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit. $29.95 + shipping.
Then follow these directions.

The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on
requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating
System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be
dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have
fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X"
outlet hose. Twist the silver- coloured ring one inch below the
connection point until you feel it lock.

The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the
small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its
initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect.
Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear.
Activate by pressing the blue button.

The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The
red release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be
adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release
button. The opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press
the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and
returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.

You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator. If
the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator requirements
has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy" call button
on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all facilities from
his control panel.

To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in
the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet
immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you.
On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a
"Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be
illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the
desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe
normally.

The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless
you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When
you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button.
The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro
slippers and place them in their container.

If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue
button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The
knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low,
medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.

After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by
switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If
during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings,
place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may
now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light
goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind
you.

If unsubscribing by using the kit is not successful, please follow the
directions included in every email from the listserv. These are
included below,
as quoted from all of your emails to the list regarding this topic.

regards,
Ian Mxxxxxx

Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 6:15 pm

Post removed by Chuck Norris

Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 5:07 pm

http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/page/01

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

I love G-G. You might also appreciate the random Garfield generator. It puts three random panels together, the result usually makes as much sense as a normal Garfield strip.
http://www.dougshaw.com/garfield.html

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 4:10 pm

A very ugly sounding sentence for Community Channel's Youtube channel:

He grabbed a chunk of his lover's hair as they embraced in a moist snog upon a thin crust of snow.

Trophy Videos · Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 12:19 am

Being a surfing cat, I just had to laugh hysterically at this one! Laughing

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090316/ap_on_fe_st/odd_dog_act_2

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

^^^^ Reminds me of an article in the Psychiatrist's Monthly Mag.

A woman went to see a psychiatrist regarding her husband's weird behaviour. She explained that her husband had been acting like a dog for week - eating out of a bowl on the floor, growling at the postman, chasing the cat and other doggy-type things.

The psychiatrist told the woman not to be alarmed, that these actions were a phase and that it would end soon. He told her to humour her husband and all would be well.

About a month later the woman encountered the psychiatrist in the supermarket. He inquired as to how her husband was doing. She replied, "he's dead".

The psychiatrist was stunned! "What happened"?

She replied, "Well I did what you recommended for a few weeks, then one day he was sitting in the lane way licking his crotch and I backed over him with the car."

Trophy Videos · Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 5:35 am

^^

Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:59 pm

Great balls of fire!!!!

How did I miss this news item?

http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,24890973-2682,00.html

Quote:

A SELF-CONFESSED jealous wife who allegedly told neighbours "his penis should be mine" after fatally torching her husband's genitals has been released on bail.
The court has previously heard Narayan told neighbours she only meant to burn her husband's penis, not cause $1 million damage to her Unley home.
It is alleged Narayan applied methylated spirits to her husband's genitals as he slept, then set fire to him.

Bail? Bail?!!! You set a guys junk alight and all you have to do is surrender your passport? This is sexism of the worst sort. Crying or Very sad

Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:07 pm

^^^ Then I should get a party in my honor for torching squirrel balls.

Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:30 pm

Kissing.

Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:34 pm

Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:48 pm

fire-proof underpants needed.

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Wish I had a granny like this one Laughing

NSFW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_YyPXV_GE

Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 1:07 pm

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven, my son. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession....I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned the parrishoner, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the Irishman replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest, 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the homily, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short,.......and, she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough for them to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes....'

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 3123

http://www.westernunionmothersday.com/

Beyond sad.

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