Things you'll see at a local football match...

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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:57 pm

..that you'll never see at a proffesional game.

Just got this email at work, and decided to share it with you all. This is mainly for us Brits who play sunday league football (or "soccer" for you yanks)...

Quote:

The goalkeeper being knocked down by a dog.

Players stopping to watch a match on another pitch

Players/Referees smoking

Game stopping for centre forward to pee

Fans trying to trip players when running down the sidelines

Red Ash and a mouldmaster

Dog crap all over the pitch

The players swinging from the crossbar trying to put the nets up

Youths on mini motorbikes racing the length of the pitch in and out of players while a game is trying to take place

A team starting a match with only 10 players despite having couple of boys sitting on bench.

Kids hitting golf balls across the pitch.

The ball going in the bushes and the goalkeeper having to fight his way in to retrieve the ball

Players dodging broken wine bottles on the pitch

Subs with different colour socks as the first eleven.

Fans running on to the pitch to join a fight between players.

The goalkeeper asking the other team to borrow a pair of gloves

A huge puddle in the middle of the pitch

Teams changing goalies when defending a penalty.

The ref squaring up to a player screaming that hes gonna send him off for aggressive behaviour.

A warm up consisting of a game of "crossies" followed by penalties.

Managers or Subs being used as linesmen by the ref.

Under the influence referee unable to find the coin he just tossed at the start of the match.

Ref awarding a goal when the ball went past the post (there were no nets), all the team and spectators (about half a dozen) going mental

Players being shot at with an air rifle.

A team of 17 players because "the ref wasnt looking"

A tree at the side of the park that means you have to "keep it low" in case the ball gets stuck in the branches.

A first aid kit that contains only a bottle of lucozade and a plaster

The game being called off after 60 minutes cause one of the teams is winning 12-0

Cars parked beside the pitch with their headlamps on full beam being used as floodlights

cars boot facing the pitch with the "tunes" belting out

The 'magic sponge' bucket full of cans of tennents with the sponge lying beside it

A player getting sent off then allowed back on 10 mins later

Half the team searching for bricks and logs to place on the back of the net to stop it blowing away

A team wearing tops inside out to avoid a colour clash.

Being spat at when leaving the away dressing room by opposing players after a game.

Agreeing to shorten the game to half an hour each way due to weather/hangovers/important game on tv

Referees asking to check studs and then not paying a blind bit of attention when you raise your feet

Opposition players going "whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" when your team take a penalty

For anyone living outside the UK these things may seem bizarre, but I can honestly cross every single one of these things off my list!

Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Quote:

The 'magic sponge' bucket full of cans of tennents...

Ah, football North of the border.

I remember reading a letter in FHM from a fan asking why on "Final Score" of a Saturday, the Scottish results start to roll in 5 minutes before the English ones, even though both kick off at 3pm. Their answer was that at half time in England, the expensive prima donnas needed 15 minutes for a change of shirt/shorts, a massage, a cup of tea, a check of the hair in the mirror etc.
In Scotland at half time, they just need 10 mins for a smoke and a quick lager livener. Smile

Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:12 pm

Quote:

In Scotland at half time, they just need 10 mins for a smoke and a quick lager livener.

In the junior games, we can fit in 2 pints and a whisky chaser Wink

Not quite a Newb Joined: 05 Jul 2008 Posts: 64

For those viewers without a Scottish dispostion, a "Junior" game is not restricted to players under 18's. Mind you most of them can knock back a couple of pints and a chaser as well.

Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:15 pm

good list, very beleivable that all those things have happened.

Quote:

In Scotland at half time, they just need 10 mins for a smoke and a quick lager livener.

I once saw a pre match studio interview with the late great George Best, just after England players had been told to lay off sex during the World Cup. 'Have you ever had sex before a big match, George?' asked the TV presenter. 'You're asking the wrong person', said George, 'I've had sex at half time'.

Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:35 pm

I used to coach my daughter's team. I saw these and more:

Quote:

Both teams stopping play to chase a butterfly en masse.

Striker getting run over and trampled when she stopped and bent to pick a dandelion (no serious injury).

Player taking the ball onto the neighboring pitch where another game was in progress, and scoring a goal there.

Stoppage because of players arguing over where to go for ice cream after the game.

Baiting Guru Joined: 11 May 2004 Posts: 2163

The ones i missed on the list: Having a hangover and walking off the field to throw up.

After going out on a saturday night, head straight to the football field to play. No rest in between. We always had sunday morning games at 9.00 am

It happened in our team alot

Edit also not on the list: borrowing shoes from the opponent because we forgot ours.

We also got a referee once who didn't know the offside rule

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 06 Feb 2008 Posts: 720

Quote:

We also got a referee once who didn't know the offside rule

A Lady Ref?

Runs and hides

Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 5:26 pm

This all sounds like extracts from The Art of Coarse Football - though Michael Green never wrote that one.

http://www.artofcoarsewriting.org.uk/

419Eater is my life Joined: 07 Apr 2006 Posts: 441

Player being booked after shouting at himself (in the third person).

Color blind player (who doesn't speak the country's language) staying on the field after seeing the red card and thinking and was the yellow one.

Water puddle in front of the goal, all flat shots get stopped.

Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 8:16 am

when i was a youngster, i watched a few matches (local pub teams)
my brothers and i used to be the ballboys. we got £5 a game. (ace money when you re 12).
they used to play nextdoor to wetlands and bog. we had wellies.

for the first half of the season it was fine. but they stopped paying us. i recall them dropping 50p in pennys and 2s at our feet and being called a `gyippo` (sp)

next match we turned up bright eyed and bushy tailed. everytime they kicked it into the bog we just watched. when several people tried to retrieve them we just stood there. everyone was soaked with bog water.
after they left in despare we recoverd 5 footballs for our own games !
for the end of that season we made off with 8 balls !! at £20 a ball, it would hav been cheaper to pay a ball boy !!!!
Laughing

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Players zig zagging up the field, not in a dazzling display of football skills but to avoid the cowpats!

Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:53 am

In a game I played in Vietnam in the 1990s, the ref sent off one of our Vietnamese players, but when our player offered the ref a bribe (one chicken), the red card was withdrawn and we were given a free kick... Laughing

Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:20 pm

As a home and away supporter of a team in the 8th level of English football I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this post! Laughing

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 26 Sep 2008 Posts: 689

We traveled in two mini buses from B to C about 125 miles in total for a friendly game. Some "gentle" drinking was done on the way. The pitch was so far from the dressing rooms.... one of our supporters was desperate for a pee, but there were ladies present. So we formed a circle around him, turned our backs and he was able to pee .... then someone* yelled "scatter" and he suddenly found himself staring at said ladies holding his **** peeing. Embarassed

He never forgave us, the ladies laughed A LOT! Laughing

* it was me but please don't tell! Twisted Evil

- being booked for yards because you were frightened of a big dog while taking a throw in? (my father-in-law's boxer dog out walking with me)

Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:48 pm

I used to play Rugby on a pitch next to a local football team.
As our game never lasted as long as theirs we would always wander over to their sideline when our whistle blew and give them some "friendly encouragement".

I'll always remember one guy taking a corner kick that went directly into the goal. As we took the piss out of him for being a lucky bastard, he just pulled a comb out of his sock and did his hair.

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 8:15 am

Laughed at this post. had to translate a few of the words in to English, but i figured them out. I can sympathize with these happenings. I went to private school in the east (what a shock for them to have to socialize with a Hoosier Hillbilly) and went out for "football" and found out that it was soccer. went ahead anyway and learned to really enjoy it. loved to bodycheck and trip all the bastards that made fun of the Hillbilly. Razz

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