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Gaz
Master of Master Baiters
Joined: 17 May 2005
Posts: 661
Location: Toronto, ON
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Posted:
Thu Feb 05, 2009 7:51 pm |
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Found a post on another forum detailing some letter from Viz magazine (For those not in the UK, its a comic book that has alot of adult content but is rather funny) and posted a few of their favourite letters from it..
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'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. |
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I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to. |
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If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? |
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Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. |
Anyone else have any others? (and remember to keep it clean!) |
_________________ YOU SENT NO PAYMENT YOU IDIOT AND MURDDERER!!!!!! - Kenneth Duke
"Also believe in the Nectarines and hail them as my eternal forefathers and universal leaders"- Sir Frederick MacGregor
"THIS NONSENSE ACT OF YOURS HAS CAUSED ME LOOSING UP TO $350 USD ALL TOGETHER TO GET TO KASTINA SINCE ON MONDAY!!"- Barrister Usman Bello
"WHAT HELL ARE YOU ? YOU ARE A MAD MAN, YOU NEED TO BE CURED BY YOUR OCCULTIC MEMBERS, I CAN SEE THAT THEY HAVE TAKEN YOUR BRAIN" - Barrister Harry Brown
"YOU ARE GOING STUPID , ARE YOU OUT OF YOU MIND ? YOU FOOLISH WHITE MONKEY AND YELLOW PIG."- Barrister Isa Usman
www.mustdestroy419.talkspot.com
- 600 Miles from Lagos to Katsina
x12 |
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jeff30179
Not quite a Newb
Joined: 30 Jan 2009
Posts: 28
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Posted:
Thu Feb 05, 2009 8:14 pm |
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'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. |
Viz was, and still is one of a kind.
Thanks for that Gaz |
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Cathartic Kate
Elite Baiter
Joined: 03 Dec 2008
Posts: 1542
Location: Spooner Hall
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Posted:
Thu Feb 05, 2009 9:17 pm |
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It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.
Advice on how to clean stubborn rug stains, if any vicars are viewing the thread.
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_________________ Give the lads some extra pain with your own IT admin from hell - visit toolkits for Grooble Gambit
Proud member of "The Todger Club"
< никогда достаточно
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Slightlyoutofit
Baiting Guru
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 14310
Location: Foraging for Nuts.
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Posted:
Thu Feb 05, 2009 10:32 pm |
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I can't remember it exactly (it's over a decade old) but my favourite Viz letter was:
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My dog may not be that clever or able to say "sausages" like the ones you see on "That's Life", but he can hold his own in a fight with a badger any day. |
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_________________
God will see you true for all this you have done to me you bastard. - Collins Kalu
MAY THE HAND THAT TYPE ON KEYBORD BECOME STRICKEN AND TRANSMIT VIRUS TO YOU ENTIRE BODY. - Dr Linda Akeem
oh what a mess its time cabbage punks like u will be expose for trully what they are. - David Cole |
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Newdonym
Elite Baiter
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1043
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Posted:
Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:27 am |
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I've always like the progressive top tips and letters. The ads and shorts are brilliant too.
Funnily enough, I've got 3 annuals on a shelf right over here. Hmm, the first letterbocks in The butcher's dustbin is
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My heart goes out to young Gareth Gates having to suffer the unwanted sexual attentions of breast model Jordon. Woman must learn that sexual harassment cuts both ways, and when a man says n.. n… nnnn… nn.. n… nnn… no, he means n.. n… nnnn… nn.. n… nnn… no. |
The first top tip (and one I’ve always remembered) is
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Motorists. When going through a sped camera, flash your lights twice quickly, and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he’s been caught. |
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Roycropper
Baiting Guru
Joined: 14 Nov 2005
Posts: 7992
Location: Luxury Coffin
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Posted:
Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:00 am |
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One I remember springs to mind often in traffic:
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Pensioners - while driving, try pressing your right foot nearer to the floor. This will make your car go faster. |
They never printed my tip about drinking more beer and wine to recycle more cans and bottles, thereby saving baby whales, or my question for Proffesor F*ck, about a sound that features in 'grumble flicks', which we won't go into. |
_________________ the European Union has bounced on our freckles
COULD YOU IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WENT TO THE BANK
our Agent is Completely broke, pocketless and stranded
I WLL SEND AN AFRICA WITCH TO ATTACH YOU BASTARD
You go die like bird
i started shouting HALLELUJAGOBBLE but none of them notice me immediately police arrested me due to the shouting
f*ck u asshole ur damn mother will loose ur fcuking skull brain ur brain is nothing to compare with rat f*ck ur u
MY FRIEND ALEX WAS DETAINED IN POLICE STATION
I am not happy due to the question i answered at money office. Let me tell you do not play with me ok.
x4 6Yrs x6 |
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Newdonym
Elite Baiter
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1043
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Posted:
Fri Feb 06, 2009 11:43 am |
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I just found another good top tip.
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When replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions of dollars in return for a £50,000 finders fee, only sned half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork. |
and on the same page and because I'm a romantic at heart.
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Impotent men. Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy here. |
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Doodle Bug
Master of Master Baiters
Joined: 06 Feb 2008
Posts: 720
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Posted:
Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:30 pm |
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Colum Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. |
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Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. |
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_________________ FUCK OFF. DONT CONTACT ME ANYMORE
you must tell the truth at least you supposed to tell me the truth.
i am not here to check or look for people piss in the streets of Abidjan
Who is this person Mickey Mouse???
trying to dercieve hoorable men like me. You are stupid man ok. |
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Spudz
Elite Baiter
Joined: 22 Nov 2006
Posts: 1173
Location: --4--
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Posted:
Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:57 am |
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Seeing as Jennifer Lopez has made the big arse sexy, that must mean my girlfriend is twice as sexy as Jennifer will ever be |
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I was recently fired from a building site for not wearing a high-visibility vest. If I was so invisible without it, how come 15 people correctly identified me as the one that threw the rock at the bosses BMW afterwards? |
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According to Heat magazine Jordan and Peter are happier than ever. Thank God for that. |
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_________________ Javed Main:I received your e-mail message but cannot read very well due to the injection I took last night/Please for Gods sake i would'nt like you to address my bank as feck/You are a priest and you are bold enough to tell me that you took 3 bottles of the finest whiskey/Please i am not ready to take more of your insult.
NIGERIA HE GOAT
IF YOU EVER SEND THIS TYPE OF THINGS TO MY EMAIL;; I WILL SHOW MY SELF TO YOU BASTAD NIGERIA HE GOAT....F*CK OFF AND DIE OF UNGER
YOU ARE SUCH A NONENTITY, I NEVER KNEW PEOPLE LIKE YOU STILL IN EXISTENCE. WHAT AN INGLORIOUS BASTARD ARE YOU?
x 10-2x33/8 you do the hokey cokey and you turn around and that's what it's all about
Last edited by Spudz on Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:40 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Roger The Cabin Boy
Master of Master Baiters
Joined: 24 Feb 2008
Posts: 535
Location: Hiding in a lifeboat!
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Posted:
Sat Feb 07, 2009 9:08 am |
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GARDENERS Save yourself the trouble of re-potting plants by planting them in a big enough pot to begin with. |
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_________________ Bobby Smith: M7CN $ecure- 2,381 boxes clicked! Then Undetowz broke the record.
Sam's Safari-: oh mum never use again pls they are performg rubbish and all of them are thiefs.
Precious - I cant get enough because being a TW@T is boundless. |
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thud419
Baiting Guru
Joined: 04 Jan 2006
Posts: 3193
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Posted:
Sat Feb 07, 2009 9:52 am |
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Put your name and address on a tag and attach it to your house keys. Then if you ever lose them, the person that finds them will know where to return them. |
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_________________ Click here to feel warm and cozy.
I did not f**k your wife in any way -- Nike Akanbi
I don't know what else to do or do I continue filling and filling forms. -- Barr. Koloti
you has been dribbling me up and down but I will show some thing you have never seen before, I think you breath air wait and see. -- Barr. Cole
x14
x 0.25 won from Reaper in a sucker's bet
x8 x several |
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Doodle Bug
Master of Master Baiters
Joined: 06 Feb 2008
Posts: 720
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Posted:
Sat Feb 07, 2009 11:17 am |
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Alun Daniel
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. |
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_________________ FUCK OFF. DONT CONTACT ME ANYMORE
you must tell the truth at least you supposed to tell me the truth.
i am not here to check or look for people piss in the streets of Abidjan
Who is this person Mickey Mouse???
trying to dercieve hoorable men like me. You are stupid man ok. |
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iMike
Elite Baiter
Joined: 21 Jan 2005
Posts: 1371
Location: Ministry of Serendipity
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Posted:
Sat Feb 07, 2009 3:50 pm |
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OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. |
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_________________ --
x2
"you have luke worm in your brain" - Ekaetta Bello
"invite me to your country and let me clearify your legitimacy asshole" - Mose5 Uzem3
"the transfer was not authorized due to my persistent double mind" - Clement Wank
"this is not the time to play planks" - Mack Anthony
WIFI PDA - post while you dump
SAY 'NO' TO GAS STORAGE!
<a href="/forum/donate.php">[FREE LAPHROAIG]</a> |
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Spudz
Elite Baiter
Joined: 22 Nov 2006
Posts: 1173
Location: --4--
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Posted:
Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:38 pm |
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_________________ Javed Main:I received your e-mail message but cannot read very well due to the injection I took last night/Please for Gods sake i would'nt like you to address my bank as feck/You are a priest and you are bold enough to tell me that you took 3 bottles of the finest whiskey/Please i am not ready to take more of your insult.
NIGERIA HE GOAT
IF YOU EVER SEND THIS TYPE OF THINGS TO MY EMAIL;; I WILL SHOW MY SELF TO YOU BASTAD NIGERIA HE GOAT....F*CK OFF AND DIE OF UNGER
YOU ARE SUCH A NONENTITY, I NEVER KNEW PEOPLE LIKE YOU STILL IN EXISTENCE. WHAT AN INGLORIOUS BASTARD ARE YOU?
x 10-2x33/8 you do the hokey cokey and you turn around and that's what it's all about |
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windypops
Baiting Guru
Joined: 25 Jan 2005
Posts: 6059
Location: Planet X
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Posted:
Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:04 pm |
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This one was from the 80's, I can't remember exactly how it went, but the advice was for women to wear torn tights, smear lipstick all over their face and give themselves a black eye. That way they could charge their boyfriends and husbands £20.00 every time he was feeling randy. He wouldn't bat an eye and they could earn some extra pin money. |
_________________ "No amount of semen donation will save this situation" Sanny Sanny
"We must disagree to agree" Raji Musa
If it's LADS you want. GoTo: http://www.yopmail.com/
and sign in with either ladmail or kentbrockman
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Kokomeister
Baiting Guru
Joined: 10 Sep 2008
Posts: 3001
Location: Wandering around the world with a sense of adventure!
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Posted:
Thu Feb 26, 2009 6:18 am |
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Heh, VIZ is also a Manga/Animé (Japanese comics and animation)translation group located in Canada. |
_________________ red head gangster (Emma the Tropical Herbalist)
YOU ARE PLAYING WITH MY LIFE ADVENTURE (Joel Desire)
YOU ARE SUCH A BIG SICKNESS THAT STEP ON ME! (Joel Desire)
YOU ARE TOO SMALL, GO AHEAD WITH WHATEVER YOU THINK OR IMAGINED THAT YOU CAN DO TO ME, ONCE YOU TRY ONCE YOU WILL DIE HARD. YOU BETTER DON'T TRY ME AT ALL YOU FOOL- Mariam Abacha (6 months)
<a href="http://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=232044">[Current ongoing bait]</a>
<a href="/forum/donate.php">[Exclusive prizes]</a>
x17
Auntie Tina- Lagos-Parakou-Tanguieta-Niamey-Tera-Mallanville-Lagos "well the story you read in children's fairytale story book when you are young is not the same as what is happing now." |
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