Your favourite Viz letters...

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Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 7:51 pm

Found a post on another forum detailing some letter from Viz magazine (For those not in the UK, its a comic book that has alot of adult content but is rather funny) and posted a few of their favourite letters from it..

Quote:

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

Quote:

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

Quote:

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

Quote:

Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Anyone else have any others? (and remember to keep it clean!)

Not quite a Newb Joined: 30 Jan 2009 Posts: 28

Quote:

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

Viz was, and still is one of a kind.

Thanks for that Gaz Very Happy

Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 9:17 pm

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.

Laughing

Advice on how to clean stubborn rug stains, if any vicars are viewing the thread.

Embarassed

Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 10:32 pm

I can't remember it exactly (it's over a decade old) but my favourite Viz letter was:

Quote:

My dog may not be that clever or able to say "sausages" like the ones you see on "That's Life", but he can hold his own in a fight with a badger any day.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

I've always like the progressive top tips and letters. The ads and shorts are brilliant too.

Funnily enough, I've got 3 annuals on a shelf right over here. Hmm, the first letterbocks in The butcher's dustbin is

Quote:

My heart goes out to young Gareth Gates having to suffer the unwanted sexual attentions of breast model Jordon. Woman must learn that sexual harassment cuts both ways, and when a man says n.. n… nnnn… nn.. n… nnn… no, he means n.. n… nnnn… nn.. n… nnn… no.

The first top tip (and one I’ve always remembered) is

Quote:

Motorists. When going through a sped camera, flash your lights twice quickly, and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he’s been caught.

Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:00 am

One I remember springs to mind often in traffic:

Quote:

Pensioners - while driving, try pressing your right foot nearer to the floor. This will make your car go faster.

They never printed my tip about drinking more beer and wine to recycle more cans and bottles, thereby saving baby whales, or my question for Proffesor F*ck, about a sound that features in 'grumble flicks', which we won't go into.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

I just found another good top tip.

Quote:

When replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions of dollars in return for a £50,000 finders fee, only sned half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.

and on the same page and because I'm a romantic at heart.

Quote:

Impotent men. Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy here.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 06 Feb 2008 Posts: 720

Quote:

Colum Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

Quote:

Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.

Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:57 am

Quote:

Seeing as Jennifer Lopez has made the big arse sexy, that must mean my girlfriend is twice as sexy as Jennifer will ever be

Quote:

I was recently fired from a building site for not wearing a high-visibility vest. If I was so invisible without it, how come 15 people correctly identified me as the one that threw the rock at the bosses BMW afterwards?

Quote:

According to Heat magazine Jordan and Peter are happier than ever. Thank God for that.

Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 9:08 am

Quote:

GARDENERS Save yourself the trouble of re-potting plants by planting them in a big enough pot to begin with.

Baiting Guru Joined: 04 Jan 2006 Posts: 3193

Quote:

Put your name and address on a tag and attach it to your house keys. Then if you ever lose them, the person that finds them will know where to return them.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 06 Feb 2008 Posts: 720

Quote:

Alun Daniel
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 3:50 pm

Quote:

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:38 pm

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:04 pm

This one was from the 80's, I can't remember exactly how it went, but the advice was for women to wear torn tights, smear lipstick all over their face and give themselves a black eye. That way they could charge their boyfriends and husbands £20.00 every time he was feeling randy. He wouldn't bat an eye and they could earn some extra pin money.

Posted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 6:18 am

Heh, VIZ is also a Manga/Animé (Japanese comics and animation)translation group located in Canada.

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