Really worried about my sister in law

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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 4:00 am

There are 4 children. The oldest boy is from my brothers first relationship He is going to stay with his other grandmother.

Three other children. One is from her ex partner and she (6) is going to stay with her natural father and his partner.

The other two are aged 3 and 7 months and I think we will take them.

Nothing has been written down yet. We're still in shock and can't think clearly.

I don't think I'll be around much for a while. We have way to much RL to deal with right now. We're going from one 2 year old to a whole family full. You can't even imagine what its like right now

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and difficulties, Phoebe. Take care.

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 4:24 am

So sorry to hear about what's going on Phoebe. Just remember you can always stop in here if you need some moral support.

Sending a few prayers for you and your family as you try to get through these very difficult times.

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 5:52 am

I am sorry for your family's loss. Do take care of yourself. It sounds like you have a supportive family for the children. My thoughts and prayers are are with you all. Sad

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 5:54 am

Oh, I was afraid of that when you didn't post for so long.

> Smile

< Big hugs to you and those precious little ones.

I'm sure you will take good care of the ones who will come to you. Bless you and your partner for doing so. And I will continue to pray for strength and comfort for you all.

When the time is right, please consider counseling. Grief can take a long time to go through, and trying to deal with your personal grief and whatever the children are feeling may need a helping hand. Smile

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:25 pm

Phoebe, You are a great couple to take on such a task. You have a big job ahead of you and we will always be here for you. Wink

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 4:51 pm

Three years ago my sister-in-law was filling out her will and called to ask me if we would take in her children if anything should happen to their parents. Immediately I said yes, I was honored to be asked and I would adopt them and raise them as my own. It was not a decision she made lightly as it meant that she was bypassing her local family and parents and saying she would rather her children travel 2500 miles away if she was not there to take care of them. Occasionally I think of her decision and how it would impact our family should we suddenly double in size, but everyday I ponder the responsibilities, efforts and rewards of parenting.

You are a good person Phoebe. Blessings upon you and the rest of your family.

Juan's stalker Joined: 28 Aug 2008 Posts: 1423

Phoebe, Im so sorry for your loss Sad

We are always here if you need to talk.

Blessings on you for helping the little ones and giving them a home.

Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.

We will miss seeing you around but RL has to come first.

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 6:55 pm

Thanks for the kind words.

It really doesn't seem real. I can't believe it. I'm older than her. Younger people shouldn't die. Especially not when they've got little kids.

We thought we could just take the two youngest but we have to see a counsellor first. I don't know what he (or she) is going to ask us but we have to speak to them before they let the children come to us.

the wierd thing is that my partner is Asian and my nephew and neice are blonde and blue eyed so everyone is going to know that they aren't ours by birth. Jesus, what a stupid thing to be focusing on! Rolling Eyes

We have to see the counsellor on tuesday morning.

I can't see a problem. We're in our 30's and have a 2 year old of our own. The only thing is that I thought that you're only allowed to adopt children from your own ethnicity these days? My partner is Asian

My neice (7 months) and my nephew (will be 3 in Feb) are white.

I didn't think to ask that at the time but I think this is a specific situation that the rules there might not apply so much.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 8:23 pm

I don't think ethnicity should matter - you are a blood relative, and that should count for something in the decision.

You are in shock - the first of the 7 stages of grief. You will go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Finally, you will reach Thriving - where you use what you have gone through to help others going through the same thing. These stages do not necessarily come in order, nor do you go through some of them only once on your way to the next. When you reach Thriving, however, you have graduated. You will still miss your sister-in-law, and you will occasionally have twinges of grief, but you will be on a more even keel.

II'm glad you'll be required to have counseling. You'll do much better for having gone through it, and those children need it - even the littlest one will need to know eventually.

BTW - adoption is great from both sides. I was adopted when I was 4, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Elite Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 1407

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm confused though. Where is the father of the 7 month old and the 3 year old?

I hope things work out.

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:27 pm

Phoebe, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister in law. I hope everything with the children works out. Lean on your family and friends for support, and let them lean on you. You all need each other to get through difficult times like this. Together you are stronger then you can imagine.

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:31 pm

Tastysnack wrote:

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm confused though. Where is the father of the 7 month old and the 3 year old?

I hope things work out.

That's my brother Ts. He's taking this very hard and if anything we need to look after him. I don't know how it's going to be 6 months down the line but right now he can't even take care of himself.

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 2:27 am

Titania wrote:

You are in shock - the first of the 7 stages of grief. You will go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I bloody am. Shock, anger and denial. Nothing else has kicked in yet.

Just anger, denial and shock. I won't be baiting anymore. I'll probably lurk for a while and see how I feel in a few months. If I have time.

thanks again.
xx

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 3:12 am

Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry to hear the bad news. Sad

My thoughts and prayers go out to the whole family. Once the shock wears off a bit, it will be easier to deal with. You should have no trouble in any of the adoptions, as they are all family. Just take things one day at a time, and you will get through it ok. You know you have many friends here to talk to, whenever you feel the need. <hug>

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 3:31 am

Sorry to hear the bad news, Phoebe. Sad

I wish you the best of luck.

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 3:34 am

Will help with the kids, highly respected world class resourse, lots of good information

http://www.dougy.org/

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 8:19 pm

^^ Thank you. That's exactly what we need right now. I'd also be interested if anyone knows of any good books that they would recommend?

We're seeing a counsellor on Tuesday morning (myself and my partner). I don't know why, but I think it's just to make sure that we're suitable to take the children. I can't see a problem with that. Neither of us has ever been in trouble with the police and we're both in our 30's, been together for almost 5 years and have a 2 year old of our own.

My parents are over 60, dad is alcoholic (not violent or anything, just a bit unreliable) and mum has a heart condition, and our sister has 5 children and is pregnant with her 6th and about to be divorced so I can't see that anyone else would be more suitable than we would.

I'm sure it's going to be ok. They couldn't possibly think that the kids would be better off anywhere else. We're healthy and in a stable relationship. I'm sure it's going to be ok.

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 8:40 pm

Once you meet with them and they know you are financially able to provide for them and that they are loved by you both, everything will be fine, Phoebe. Even though it is a bad predicament for the children to be in, let them know that your are in control of things and will help the children get through these hard times. Your family will do everything they can to keep the children in contact with each other as much as possible. I pray everything will work out for you all the way you want it to, and I hope the children will soon be able to accept the loss and go on with life as normally as possible. God bless you and your family, Phoebe.

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:15 pm

Phoebe I am so sorry to you and your family your loss.
I am sure the authorities will see the benefit of both children being together with you, not only for their normal well-being but for their fragile mental state too.
You take care and please remember that all of us, (your other 'family'), will be sending our love and support to you always.
Take care and hugs to all the little ones.

Baiting Guru Joined: 04 Dec 2005 Posts: 3551

Phoebe, I am very sorry for your loss. It won't be easy to take in two little ones, but you will be rewarded for your unselfishness. You certainly don't owe anyone an explanation about the children.

I know a woman who adopted a boy, then a short time later she gave birth to a girl. Her children and their friends would ask her about the boy being adopted. The woman would pretend to be confused and say she couldn't remember which child was adopted. The children were delighted with that because she made them understand that adoption and birth are equally valued.

Best wishes to you.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

I'm so sorry how things have worked out, there must gave been hope she would recover
My best wishes to you and your partner.
I do hope your brother finds the strength eventually to cope with it all

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 9:05 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss, Phoebe. Sad

Your family is in my thoughts.

Elite Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 1407

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

However, I must confess I am confused at your need to rush out to "adopt" the children. I realize that your brother is in grief. Rather than try to "adopt" the children, why not just take them in until he is ready to parent them again?

It seems rather presumptious to think that you need to obtain custody in order to care for them. I could see the hurry if both parents had died, but in this case, there is 1 living parent in the picture.

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 7:06 pm

This may be hard to hear, but it is never good to make irrevocable decisions when you are in the midst of emotional upheaval. Even if your brother says he wants you to adopt the children, it would not be wise for him to sign papers relinquishing his parental rights while he is so deeply in grief.

I agree with Tastysnack. Take them in, by all means. Care for them and nurture them. When he is ready to be a father again, let him be their father.

Don't make any decisions you may later regret. You are in no state to make such choices. I'm sure the social workers and counselors will tell you the same thing. If they don't, then they do not have the best interest of the children at heart.

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