FAQ for the scammers?

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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 7:46 pm

There are websites with FAQ for scam baiters. Others have FAQ for scam victims. But what about the SCAMMERS??? Someone should make a helpful FAQ for hard-working lads. Good idea, right? I'll start...

Hints and tips for 419 Scammers

Q: Im a 419 scammer. can u giv mi sum hints fo scaming clients?
A: Sure! I'm always glad to help. What specifically would you like to know? Smile

Q: what is best way of convice di client to thrust mi?
A: I recommend saying "fuck" and "shit" a lot. Cursing is the best way to get your victim's attention.

Q: wood downloadng and usein SPELL CHECKER improve mai abbility to scam clients?
A: No. In fact your refreshingly free-form spelling and grammar adds to your credibility. Particularly when portraying bankers, lawyers, doctors, diplomats, millionaire industrialists and government officials.

Q: a client has ben requestin dat i keep providein him wit photos of miself. ive sent him 20 so far. but he dont yet send mi any fee. di photo requests bi increacly humilliatin na strange. could dis bi a BAITER?
A: Unlikely. Baiters rarely request photos. On the other hand wealthy victims tend to be very leery of foreigners and require extra photo evidence. Keep sending those photos - I'm sure a huge pay off is just around the corner.

Q: what names shod i use for mi jobs?
A: I recommend the following:
- Amanda Hugankiss
- Fulla Crapman
- Asp Phocker
- Ira Dueshbag
- Dick Lessman

Q: mai computa here in nigeria hav been actin slow. how can i fix dat?
A: Computer systems in Nigeria have a unique vulnerability. If you are a scammer (particularly one working in Nigeria) then I recommend that you do a search on your computer for ".dll" Any file that appears is a virus and should be deleted immediately. (NOTE: This is only true if you are 419 scammer. For everyone else ".dll" files are critical to your system and should not be deleted.)

Q: is it true dat di FBI is attemptin to catch 419 guys workin in Amerika ?
A: YES they are! The FBI has been allocated a huge budget specifically designated for catching 419 scammers working in America. They have gathered a enthusiastic and well trained staff of thousands in preparation for a massive undercover sting. Their goal is to capture all 6,000 scammers working in the united states. So my advice to all my 419 bothers is to leave the country as soon as possible!

Q: i bi hidden in nigeria. as long as i never go to Amerika di FBI can no gets mi. right ?
A: Sadly no. The FBI has developed a device call a "C.P.G.V.I.D.". I won't bore you with the technical details. But basically it gives the FBI the ability to instantly teleport any 419 scammer hidden anywhere in the world to an American prison. So it is best that you avoid scamming all Americans for the time being. I'll let you know when it is safe to start again.

Q: how can i tell if a client is FBI agent oooooooo!??!?!???!
A: Any "client" who writes in English and asks you a question of any kind is most likely a FBI agent attempting to catch you. Stop corresponding with them immediately.

Q: some times mai eyes get sour from workin in front of computa all day .what can i due to prevent dat?
A: First of all - prescription eye drops are no good - they can dry out your eyes and exacerbate the problem. I recommend rubbing raw hamburger patties into your eyes every 12 hours.

Q: di nigerian police hav been craking down on 419. how can i dodge dem?
A: The best way for dealing with Nigerian police is to show them who is the boss. You must be firm with the police. If a police officer starts asking a lot of nosey questions - just remind him that you are a tax payer and that HE works for YOU - not the other way around! In short - don't take any of his crap!

Q: will bribeing amerika police wrk as good as bribeing nigerian police ?
A: Yes! But keep in mind that American police require that you be more straightforward with your payments. When you hand the American policeman the cash - you should clearly say "This is a bribe. I'm paying you money in exchange for leaniency."

Q: what other helpfull advice can u giv mi?
A: I recommend the following:
- Use tobacco frequently.
- Try crack at least once.
- Beat your wife and kids often.
- Eat lots of pork and fried foods.
- Remember that monogamy and condoms are for chumps.
- When the engine light flashes, you have less then 7 days to see a mechanic about it.
- Lift with your back - NOT your legs.
- Jelly filled donuts taste much better after being heated in the microwave.
- Give your wife a gun for her birthday.
- Experiment with huffing.
- Remember that seat belts, helmets, goggles, safety harnesses, jockstrap cups, protective ear plugs and life jackets are all for pussies.
- Voting, Flossing, vaccinations, sunblock, daily multi-vitamins, prostate examinations and yearly check ups are all complete wastes of time and money.
- I highly recommend the movie "Freddy Got Fingered".

Q: u bi very funny jokeman! what is ur real name, address na phone nomba ?
A: My real name is "Luke Skywalker". I live at 419 Sickmydick Lane in the city of Yamamaisawhore, FL, USA.
My real phone number is 5(555)555-5555 (Ext.555) (Please remember that to dial out - you must first press "5".)

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 7:56 pm

Nice list Calvin

You certainly gave me a laugh this evening Laughing

Take note baiters, just incase you are asked by the dark side for some advice...

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:02 am

@Calvin:

Nice list, although it's missing one of my favorites: "always fill out any forms de maga sends, dey always sends moer moneys wen you doos de forms".

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:40 am

Calvin Huckle wrote:

.. You must be firm with the police. If a police officer starts asking a lot of nosey questions - just remind him that you are a tax payer and that HE works for YOU - not the other way around! In short - don't take any of his crap!

I cracked up there. Laughing

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 2:36 pm

Calvin Huckle wrote:

Q: wood downloadng and usein SPELL CHECKER improve mai abbility to scam clients?
A: No. In fact your refreshingly free-form spelling and grammar adds to your credibility. Particularly when portraying bankers, lawyers, doctors, diplomats, millionaire industrialists and government officials.

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 3:54 pm

If only...