Anyone know how to look after a corpse?

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Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 3:55 pm

My character has ended up in a bizarre (well, for most people at least, for him things like this happen every day) situation. Just as he was about to make the payment to claim his millions of dollars, an unexpected arrival has thrown a spanner in the works...

Quote:

Dear Barrister Williams,
Good day to you old fellow. Gadzooks, you will not believe what has happened to me this afternoon!I came home from collecting the money, with every intention of just going straight to the Western Union office and sending you the payment, but you will never guess what happened to me...

When I got into the living room, there was a dead fellow there. He hadnt been murdered or anything, he was dead, in his funeral suit and in his coffin, which was on a stand in the middle of my living room. I was shocked...I mean, I dont even know who the fellow was, and here he is, lying in a coffin in my living room!

I called the funeral directors, and explained that there was a corpse in my living room. The man I spoke to was very helpfull at first, and eventually we worked out what had happened. Turns out, Mr WIlliams, that the coffin containing the deceased chap was meant to be delivered to the local Cemetery, but due to a mix up in the funeral directors computer systems, was delivered to my house, and because my door was opened, they just set the coffin up in the living room!

I thought that the problem would then be sorted, but alas, it only got worse. As I spoke to the man at the funeral directors, I thought that they would simply drop by, pick up the recently-departed stranger and be on their way. Now, Mr Williams, I cant remember the exact wording of the phonecall, but it went something like this....

"So, when will you be round to pick him up?"

"Well, it's not as simple as that, Mr Andre, there are rules to be adhered to!"

"Like what?"

"Well, your address is listed on the funeral papers as his final resting place, so moving him would technically be graverobbing, so before you move him you have to get exhumation permit from the council"

So, I called the local council and explained the situation. For some reason, the girl I spoke to thought it was hilarious, and once she had stopped giggling she informed me that they would send me out the application form in the post, but to actually get the permit it can take up to 6 weeks to come through, and until then , Im stuck with a dead man in my living room who Im not legally allowed to move! When I asked the girl at the council for a bit of advice, she simply replied "keep the windows open and the heating off" then laughed some more and hung up!

Mr WIlliams, what on Earth am I supposed to do! I'm hosting a dinner party in two weeks time and my guests will not be amused if there is a decaying corpse lying in my living room!

Regards,

Peter Andre
Honorary Grand Fellow of the C.L.I.T Programme

Luckily, my lad has just the sloution!

Quote:

Attn PETER ANDRE

That is a very unfortunate situation. Surely the family of this man are not happy that theyre man is dead in a strange room!
You should buy lots of air spray and bug spray to keep the air clear, put a sheet over the coffin and your dinner gests never need know.

I would not say that you should let this keep you off the job in hand of claiming the beneficiary amount of $22.8 USD
so you should make the payment of this as soon as possible because the dead can wait but this needs your immediate
action so go to the WESTERN UNION office and pay the $1250 as soon as possible.

I await your reply

Barr Fr. Williams

By God, Ive missed baiting! Laughing

Not quite a Newb Joined: 14 Jul 2005 Posts: 41

Quote:

You should buy lots of air spray and bug spray to keep the air clear, put a sheet over the coffin and your dinner gests never need know.

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 3:59 pm

get the old necrophilia mags out and have a party Embarassed

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:00 pm

Sounds like your lad has watched "Fawlty Towers". Laughing

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:05 pm

Holy hell thats awesome! Laughing

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:17 pm

Quote:

... the dead can wait

Maybe you could tell the lad that you buried the naked corpse in your back garden face down, with its arse sticking out of the ground...so you had somewhere to park your bicycle. Shocked

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:25 pm

Quote:

Maybe you could tell the lad that you buried the naked corpse in your back garden face down, with its arse sticking out of the ground...so you had somewhere to park your bicycle

I like your thinking Laughing

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:29 pm

Once again I got it all wrong DELETED this post Embarassed

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:41 pm

I'd send him to the nearest video store (and if that results in a safari all the better) to rent the informational film "Weekend at Bernie's".

This will give him all the corpse handling information that he needs.

Twisted Evil

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:46 pm

I like this bait, nice turn of events.

Quote:

That is a very unfortunate situation. Surely the family of this man are not happy that theyre man is dead in a strange room!
You should buy lots of air spray and bug spray to keep the air clear, put a sheet over the coffin and your dinner gests never need know.

your lad is very special.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 04 Jun 2008 Posts: 74

Sounds like a great scam that lad has - you pay him $1250.00 and he gives you $22.80c back.

I reckon you should check the corpse for valuables and ask Mr. Williams if he has any use for a few rings, a rolex watch, and some gold teeth.

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 5:02 pm

He needs to disolve the body in acid and pour it on the garden....

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 5:26 pm

I think your Lad needs to give you some embalming advice.

What to use ? and where to put it. Very Happy

They've got people saved in mausoleums all over the world and you can go all 'Psycho' on him, saying you can't bear to part with him, and see how he reacts.

Of course there was the film 'Weekend at Bernie's' with the youngsters hauling a body round with them, and if you needed his fingerprint to make withdrawals (which are limited in amount, of course) you'd need to keep him around.

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 5:42 pm

Perhaps your lad can advise you on prayers / spells / incantations that would help in your situation. Of course things will go horribly wrong... (see Raimi, S., Evil Dead, 1981).

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:01 pm

Yes you should ask him some questions about magic. Seeing as you've heard that Africans are particularly good at magic etc.

Or maybe you could come home and find that your house has been trashed the body has disappeared.

You could whip up a fake newspaper ad that's running stories on zombie sightings! Shocked

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:12 pm

Quote:

You could whip up a fake newspaper ad that's running stories on zombie sightings

I tried that one before. Told my lad I accidently caused a Zombie outbreak after mixing Yakult with the drinking water.

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:39 pm

GomerPyle wrote:

f you needed his fingerprint to make withdrawals you'd need to keep him around.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooo.

how about you tell your lad that you've done a bit of research on the dead guy and come to find he is very wealthy.......

you've also learned that he hid all of his money in a secret location. and during a recent investigation session, you discovered a tressure map tatooed onto his butt (not sure why you were looking there, pervert)..

I wonder where the treasure map leads?

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:58 pm

Quote:

moving him would technically be graverobbing

Thats one of the best quotes Ive ever read here

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 7:08 pm

I think a cork is best inserted if you are considering taking the body to your nearest WU outlet.

Suggest Question. Has anyone told a stiffy joke yet?
Suggest Answer. Of corpse they have!

Wink

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:16 pm

It doesn't matter if your guests are aware that there's a corpse in your living room. YOU are aware of it!

You are losing sleep because at night you hear thumpings and bumpings coming from your living room, and you swear you've heard muffled groans coming from the casket. Things are not where you put them, and you've found carpet fuzzles (from your carpet) on the corpse's shoes.

You are but a shadow of your former self. How can you possibly go to Western Union now? What will happen if you leave the premises? Shocked

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:28 pm

On a more mundane level...

Flowers for the grave are being delivered and since they are supposed to go on the grave (ie in your lounge), the shippers insist on putting them in your living room. You're sick of the arguments... and pollen gives you hay fever.

The widow shows up. At first you argue about the whole situation... but then things shift, and now you're sure she's coming on to you, there in the lounge, with her recently-deceased husband's coffin near enough to touch... she's young and beautiful (and now quite rich) and by God you're conflicted!

A bunch of Goths turns up. They think the whole setup is really cool and want to be photographed in your lounge pretending it's their place as they hang around the coffin.

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:43 pm

Thanks for the best laugh I had all day!

419Eater is my life Joined: 10 Jul 2008 Posts: 366

^^^

Sounds like you need a STIFF drink to relax.
p.

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:54 pm

Hmm. Are you sure that the corpse in the coffin is a guy? I mean, if it is that of a girl, she might be rather hot, right? How could this get any better really? Let's say that you come home from a long day at work, have a few drinks to take the edge off, and find yourself feeling a bit romantic. What is she going to do, complain? Tell you that she has a headache? Complain that you don't "cuddle" enough? Hell, go nuts man! But I might have to agree with the lad about the air spray.

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 12:00 am

Hahahaah, brilliant. Get your freak on Gaz. Laughing

Edit: For bonus points why not leave the gender as-is & get your 'gay freak' on?

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