Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 6:52 pm

The conspiracy theories surrounding Bush and the Baghdad journallist have already started.
Was there a second shoe-ter?

Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 10:50 pm

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka.
You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
- D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 3:04 am

Courtesy of my 6 year old niece:

Why did the cow wear a bell?
Because his horns didn't work.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
I don't know but everyone gets a drumstick.

What did the cat say when he got hurt?
Me-owwww!

It's a lot cuter when she tells them...... Smile

Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 1:44 pm

Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:44 pm

Canadian Poem

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-nine below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!!
Wink

Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:14 pm

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to our friends , but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following for the record:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted Gregorian calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to say England is greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others. It is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one calendar year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. Its warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher and can be withdrawn at any time at the request of the wisher.

*Disclaimer:*

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:35 pm

Now I have to answer with this ^ Wink

YOU CAN'T STEAL MY CHRISTMAS

I don't know who they are
Saying I can't greet the crowd
The way that I want to
Can't say CHRISTMAS out loud.

I walk into a business place
See things that I rather not see
But dare I not say CHRISTMAS
And ask for a 'holiday' tree.

What happened to freedom of speech
And living in the land of the free
How can they take my CHRISTMAS money
But can't say MERRY CHRISTMAS to me.

Men and women have given their lives
So we could still go free
I wonder how they would feel
At saying ' HOLIDAY ' TREE.

Come on CANADA let's wake up
Don't let our freedom escape
If they get by with doing this
What else will they take.

This is starting to get out of hand,
And I've begun to keep track
Well I've just about had enough
I'M TAKING CHRISTMAS BACK.

So MERRY CHRISTMAS CANADA
I hope this gets all over the net
If we all stand united and take freedom back
'Twill be our best CHRISTMAS YET!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY

Posted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 12:12 am

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Laughing

Posted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:03 am

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC Some more good advice: The federal government is sending many of us a $1,000 rebate. If we spend that money at K-Mart or BigW, the money will goto China . If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs, if wepurchase a computer it will go to Taiwan, If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,Honduras, and Guatemala, If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan, If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none ofit will help the Australian economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend iton prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products stillproduced in Australia . Thank you for your help. Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan . (Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

Posted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:22 am

Thanks to some clever editing, Nigella Lawson puts the XXX into Xmas:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=r9z5AFQx3Ng

Master Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 146

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 12:31 am

Oxymorons

25. Child Proof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 2:04 am

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?" Laughing

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 4:57 am

Two Parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other one 'can you smell fish?'

Two snowmen. One says to the other one, 'Can you smell Carrots?'

Did you know that if you play the Microsoft CD backwards it plays a Satanic message? that's nothing! If you play it forwards it installs Windows! Shocked

Posted: Fri Dec 26, 2008 8:28 am

Two guys are standing on top of a cliff. One has a budgie on his shoulder. The other has a parrot on his shoulder as well as a shotgun.

The first guy jumps off. The budgie flies away and he hits the rocks below.

The second guy jumps off. As the parrot starts to fly away, the guy shoots it with the shotgun, then hits the rocks below.

The first guy says to the second guy "Gee, I don't know about this budgie jumping", to which the second guy replies "yeah, this parrot shooting isn't too good either".

Posted: Fri Dec 26, 2008 9:05 am

bill2 wrote:

Now I have to answer with this ^ Wink

YOU CAN'T STEAL MY CHRISTMAS

I don't know who they are
Saying I can't greet the crowd
The way that I want to
Can't say CHRISTMAS out loud.

I have to ask... is there actually any reason (as in legal) why people can't say Christmas?

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Yastreb wrote:

I have to ask... is there actually any reason (as in legal) why people can't say Christmas?

Actually there are laws which are supposed to maintain the separation of church and state. That makes it illegal for any publicly-funded employee to use the phrase “Merry Christmas” while performing any official function. Therefore teachers for example, cannot legally wish their students a Merry Christmas. These laws of course, are almost universally ignored in the spirit of the season. But the bottom line is that the phrase does acknowledge a “Mass for Christ”.

A funny story has been ongoing in Washington State this year.
Here’s a clip from CNN:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/12/05/atheists.christmas/

The governor allowed a ‘nativity scene’ to be erected on state property in the capital city. Immediately other groups demanded the same rights and the situation quickly deteriorated. One group of atheists put up a sign that was torn down and then found again. Here is the picture:

EDIT: Just found this - interesting debate even if it is Oreilly and his legal bimbette:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBS46YrycAM

I personally enjoyed the sign from “The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”. (SEE MY AVATAR) The rationale of this group is that if you can believe in things like talking snakes, virginal conception, a Jewish zombie who comes back to life and communicates with you telepathically, then surely you can believe in a spaghetti monster that can fly. Google is your friend – this group is hilarious.

Just last week I encountered a manifestation of this political correctness. While Christmas shopping a store clerk wished me a “Merry Christmas”. I reciprocated. At that point a rather large, pizza-faced, morbidly obese dyke in a black leather jacket with chains berated the clerk and I for using religious terms in a public place. I listened quietly, with no debate and when she finished I told her to fuck off. That’s still legal

Posted: Fri Dec 26, 2008 6:17 pm

I love the FSM! I so wanna get this, and I don't even have a car.

(Which kinda funny, since I am a religious person, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster was created to poke fun at religion- but I just love the sheer randomness of it).

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

ChainYanker wrote:

. . . and the Flying Spaghetti Monster was created to poke fun at religion . . . .

I don't know if I would totally agree with that CY - to me the basic function of the concept (and this really fun site) is to juxtapose faith and reason. I would expand on that further idea but then the Mods would neuter me with rusty knife. And remember that a basic rule with the Church of FSM is that one must be dressed as a pirate when speaking publically - sound familiar? - AAARRRRRRHHHH. Look very carefully at the left had of the naked guy in my avatar. Laughing

BTW - if you haven't read Richard Dawkins book - The God Delusion - please do!

Posted: Sat Dec 27, 2008 10:52 pm

If you speak 2 languages, you're bilingual
If you speak 2 or more languages, you're multilingual
If you speak one language, you're American

Posted: Mon Dec 29, 2008 1:12 am

Dave Barry's Year in Review 2008.

Posted: Mon Dec 29, 2008 1:49 am

There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won't anymore...
and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. Very Happy

Posted: Mon Dec 29, 2008 1:54 am

FLAMING GOAT ======= AGAIN Exclamation

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7801156.stm

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

bill2 wrote:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

. . . . sent those to my son-in-law . . . he pilots a C130 for the Canadian Air Force . . . just back for Afghan. He had seen these but found some more for our pleasure.

Enjoy. (my favs in bold)

Quote:

The old ones are the best!

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is said that Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major fatal accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire
.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Posted: Tue Dec 30, 2008 1:37 am

Breaking news: purple squirrel sighted.

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