Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 2:43 pm

GH,
I'm asking for opinions in the Mod Lounge concerning making a sticky of your dog Herpes joke.
Current thinking is that it would save an awful lot of bandwidth if we do.

Laughing

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

^^^^ OK ya got me BB . . . I can take a hint Wink

I hereby promise to not to post my favourite joke again (at least not until Shiver Returns and Christ becomes a cowboy once again).

Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 6:23 pm

Gold Hat wrote:

...but god forbid anyone on this forum suffer the slightest embarrassment. Rolling Eyes

Never bothered me. Why do you call your dog "Herpes"? Very Happy

Edit: never mind. Search is my friend. Or is it? *groan*

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

^^^^^ atta go luckey - you have reaffirmed my belief in the 'kindred spirit'. Thumbs up

Posted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 1:28 pm

Christmas is coming, so let's get in the mood :

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-
Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and
were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves
had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little
glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 8:34 am

Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:35 pm

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - November 2008

Signs The Economy Is In Trouble

- Russia is negotiating to buy back Alaska
- Your house is rented by the hour
- Importing cars from Cuba
- Warren Buffet's new gig: Walmart greeter
- Canadian loonie becomes the dominant world currency

The Lecture

A policeman was on the beat when he saw a drunk staggering down the street. "And where do you think you might be going at this time of night, sir?" the officer inquired.

The drunk replied, "To a lecture, Oshifer."

"And tell me, sir, who on earth would be giving a lecture at this time of night?"

Offered the drunk, "My wife." Laughing

I snatched this joke from Peter Anthony Holder's site. I listen to him from midnight to 3:00 AM five nights a week; he lulls me to sleep. There are literally tons of jokes on this site...have a look....and enjoy:

http://www.peteranthonyholder.com/jokes.htm

Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 7:06 pm

Warning: Nerdy physics joke ahead

Warner Heisenberg is driving his car when he gets pulled over by a policeman. The policeman says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

Alternate version:
Heisenberg and a freind are driving down the highway. Heisenberg says, "Be careful, there's police car ahead of us."
The friend taps the speedometer and says, "Don't worry, we're driving at exactly 55 mph."
Heisenberg says, "You idiot! Now we're lost!"

Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 8:41 am

^ Nerdy indeed. I needed to go on Wikipedia to figure out this joke.

Then it's still nerdy, but it becomes funny too!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

I'm hunting haggis
look out for them appearing on webcam
http://haggishunt.scotsman.com/camera.cfm?camera=1

@ CY like the jokes
Alaways said I'd call the cat Heisenberg as I was uncertain of his name

Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:03 pm

Suddenly 419 Eater becomes listed as a FORTUNE 500 company:

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

my cat dancing
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/pSDAZ3kefDWbOwWMIID6

Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 11:25 am

A quick one.

Qn: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

Ans: A woman who won't do what she's told. Twisted Evil

Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:25 pm

My dog has no legs.

I call him cigarette

'cos I can only take him out for a drag

Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 8:09 am

im with you luckey search and then Rolling Eyes

but heres my bit the drunk and the cop a g a i n

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging

Out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

Missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 8:26 am

A man comes home, very excited, and shouts to his wife:
"Wife, pack your bags, I've just won the lottery!"
Wife: "that's great honey! Should I pack for warm or for cold weather?"
Man:"I don't give a f**, as long as you move your ass out of here!"

Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 9:36 am

Spudz, I've always heard that joke as:

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

And some more along those same lines:

What do you call a guy hanging on the wall?

Art.

What do you call an arm and a leg hanging on the wall?

Pieces of Art.

Wierd that's all I can think of off the top of my head...one of my friends LOVES those kinds of jokes.

Finally, one that had me laughing for 5 min straight:

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment!

Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 10:03 am

^^^ what do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water
-Bob

What do you call a naked man hiding in a tree
-Russel

What do you call a blind dear
- no Idea

what do you call a blind dear with no legs
- still no Idea

There is many many more - just don't start me
that reminds me of the jumper leads walking in the bar
the bar man says - Just don't start anything.

oldies but goodies

Rolling Eyes

night all

Posted: Thu Dec 11, 2008 6:30 am

my sis sent me this and just to add xxxx is better than VB puke

bombs

me i like a nice cold Capt Morgan & coke

Siamese twins walked into a pub in Brisbane and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two XXXX Draught beers please."

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers, "Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to America next month," says Joe. "We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, America," says the barman. "Wonderful country ... The history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that US crap," says Joe.

"Meat Pies and XXXX beer, that's us, he Jim? We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude and egotistical..."

"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 1:56 am

received today as an e mail...well of course!!!!!

Quote:

Dear All

As we are nearing the end of 2008 I thought I would wish you a pleasant
and successful final phase with great dreams for 2009.
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15, 000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
million
with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
an aftershave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the $50.00 I found dropped in the car park because
it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath
my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician's relative once removed.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late! Smile

Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 2:18 am

loved it got me Rolling Eyes

Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:54 am

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Laughing

Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 1:31 pm

Should have had this at Thanksgiving.

Oh well, remmy will love it! Very Happy

http://www.southbank-design.co.uk/turkeyshoot/index.htm

Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 8:19 am

I don't want to upset anybody but this was emailed to me and I couldn't help but smile
Hope it makes you all smile too...

If you thought Mondays were bad enough and couldn't get any worse wait
until you read this.

Far far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were
swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and
lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his
old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'.........

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 4:34 pm

^^^ Ten LOLpoints. I've never heard that one before. Laughing

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