Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 5:13 pm

Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 6:30 pm

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and
the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 10:03 pm

http://yarp2.motivatedphotos.com/autocdn/motivatedphotos/http://yarp.motivatedphotos.com/uploads/2008/7/31/633531322905533331-women.jpg

Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 5:25 pm

just for fun, don't start picking on me now Laughing

Posted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 10:14 am

A Man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you

are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

419Eater is my life Joined: 20 Oct 2008 Posts: 280

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jan 2007 Posts: 2922

SARAH PALIN PRANK CALLED BY 'NICOLAS SARKOZY'!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwzgF0s3Dzg

Laughing

Posted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 3:48 am

That's too funny! Laughing

Posted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 8:03 am

sheboppe wrote:

Original Joke of the Day Thread

I love this link! Wink

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 2:18 pm

A priest walks into a hotel and mentions during check-in, "I do hope the porn channel is disabled." The receptionist replies, "No. Its just normal porn you sick barsteward!"

Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:29 am

Donato wrote:

SARAH PALIN PRANK CALLED BY 'NICOLAS SARKOZY'!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwzgF0s3Dzg

Wtf dude, those Canadians are super ballsy. Had me roflmfao literally.

Posted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 1:52 am

'Are you hungry, Moses?' asks God.
'I could eat,' Moses replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines.
Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it's tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying poached salmon, champagne, roast lamb, truffles, and chocolates.
Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer.
Meekly, he says: 'God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led.
But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings!
I just don't understand.'
God sighs. 'Let's be honest,' He says. 'For just two people, does it pay to cook?' Laughing

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?

''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:16 pm

teh coolest data center:

http://hothardware.com/News/Swedens-UltraModern-Underground-Data-Center/

epic use of duct tape:
http://www.motivatedphotos.com/?id=5869

Posted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 11:48 am

From Digital Spy:

Quote:

A Polish man drove his vehicle into a lake after following the instructions of a satellite navigation system, police have said.

The Mercedes mini-van driver ignored a series of warning signs before using an abandoned road which led to the lake. His vehicle was almost entirely submerged by the time emergency services arrived on the scene, but the man and his two passengers had already escaped unharmed.

"The man took a road that was closed a year ago when the area was flooded to make an artificial lake serving as a water reservoir - he ignored three road signs warning of a dead end," Piotr Smolen, police spokesman in Glubczyce, southern Poland told AFP.

"It was still night time and he didn't notice the road led into the lake. His GPS told him to drive straight ahead and he did."

Smolen confirmed that the man in question made his first emergency call while he was still inside the sinking van. He then sat on the vehicle's roof with his passengers as they waited for assistance.

Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 6:02 pm

Posted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 3:11 am

The luxury cruise ship S.S. Rockefeller is leaving port next week for the beautiful shores of Somalia. Each guest is issued 1 close range rocket launcher as part of our Chummin' For Pirates Cruise! This 2 week luxury cruise has everything you would expect plus the added bonus of being able to sink several small watercraft full of REAL Pirates! Don't delay! This boat is filling up fast. Ask about our NRA discount! Sponsored by the WPTC (World Peace Through Capitalism). Register this week and receive 10% off the regular price Plus a second rocket launcher absolutely free! Respond Now!

Posted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 7:55 am

Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

November 20 (Bloomberg) -- The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.

The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.

"You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to
offer the shareholders anything," said Ali.

The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS's.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: "We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup
at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster."

Shandu added, "We don't call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better."

*CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION

*WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE

*SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP

*PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,' WILL PAY OFF

*KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE 'FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND' '

*Moody's upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA

*HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW' PARTICPATION

*SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK

*FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK

* FED AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS' NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRATES

Not quite a Newb Joined: 24 Nov 2008 Posts: 25

2 peanuts walked into a bar...

one was asalted

Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 1:03 am

/\/\ Monty Python used that as the German's response (via Lord Haw Haw) to secret 'killer joke' the British were going to use in WWII

LINK

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

^^^^ What all this then . . . .

Never mind the dog without the n***.

I call my dog Herpes.

Anybody want to know why I call him that???????

Mod Note: Gold Hat asks this regularly. Please humour him by responding [BB]

Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 9:12 am

^^ WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

wokabo wrote:

^^ WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!

Now be nice . . . surely in all of the tens of thousands of Eater members there must be one kind soul who wants to know the answer to the burning question as to why I call my dog Herpes. Sad

Quote:

Mod Note: Gold Hat asks this regularly. Please humour him by responding [BB]

Hey BB - I'm a one-trick pony (well this one and the hairy pussy one) - so cut the old guy some slack eh!

Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 8:49 am

Gold Hat wrote:

surely in all of the tens of thousands of Eater members there must be one kind soul who wants to know the answer to the burning question as to why I call my dog Herpes.

Of course there is, but that member doesn't want us to see that (s)he wants to know. That would even be more embarrassing.

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Methinks you are faking yourself out there dude. Laughing

But so as to avoid an semblance of a PWT, I will withdraw my question in abject humility. I realize that there will be thousands left with the burning desire to know the answer but god forbid anyone on this forum suffer the slightest embarrassment. Rolling Eyes

Oh! for the good old days on this board . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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