Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:13 pm

This is Brit humour, it's doubtful anyone else will get it, and even if they do, there's no guarantee they'll find it amusing. This stuff is in a similar vein to the old 'what do you call a man' jokes, like "what do you call a man with a spade in his head?...Doug" etc etc. It's British pub humour, very laddish, much funnier after a pint or three. I've no idea when these things started doing the rounds, but they've been around at least as long as I have.
____________________________________________

-My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.

My wife's gone to Indonesia
-Djakarta?
-No, she went on a moped

-My wife's gone to the Indian coast
-Goa?
-She used to be, when we first met

-My wife's gone back to Moscow.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she's taking her time.

-My wife's gone to Northern Italy
-Genoa?
-I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.

-My wife's had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa? -No.
She broke her leg.

-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yep, totally nuts

-My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-No idea.

-My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
-Kew?
-Yep, a mile long.

-My wife's gone to Malawi
-Lilongwe?
-Yes, the 5300 mile route

-My wife had an accident in Slovenia
-Bled?
-Profusely.

-My wife's parents are from Croatia
-Split?
-No, they're still happily married.

-My wife got a stomach bug in Laos
-Inkhazi?
-Yes, all night.

-My wife's gone singing in South Korea
-Seoul?
-No, R&B mainly

-My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
-Qatar?
-Yes, her sinuses were blocked for weeks

-My wife went to see a crappy rock band in the far east
-Singapore?
-Absolute crap. The guitarist was shit too.

-My wife went camping in Southern England
-In Dorset?
-Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.

-My wife smoked a joint near Manchester
-In Hale?
____________________________________________________

Sorry.

Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:14 pm

^^^^ lol its play on the words. Cute.

Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:37 pm

^^ lovely, though hard to get for a german.
But whe you've got it: That's the kind of stuff that I like. Laughing

Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:00 pm

Has to come from a farmer of course Laughing

As told here on the farmers market ; Wink

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.
This took a lot of time,
so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch
And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

I don't know why, but I found this tidbit on the perils of time-traveling entertaining.

http://www.abyssandapex.com/200710-wikihistory.html

Remember, if you travel back in time, NO KILLING OF HITLER!

Master Baiter Joined: 18 Nov 2006 Posts: 124

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI

Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:24 pm

Stock market for dummies

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings, some even selling their farms so they could buy more monkeys with the proceeds, and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw or heard from the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:56 am

CAR ACCIDENT IN TEXAS ... PRICELESS!
If you don't listen to anything else today, listen to this one. This will definitely make you laugh! Turn up your sound and click on the website below. The accident occurred in the Dallas -Ft. Worth area. This is a phone call from a man who witnesses the accident involving four elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM- FM, and they put it on their website. The guy's laugh is contagious. Just close your eyes and picture what he sees.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 6:40 pm

That is hilarious Rover! Laughing

Ft. Worth is my hometown, I wonder if I know them little old ladies Laughing

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:25 pm

So I went grocery shopping last weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to sh!t yourself'
chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits.

Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body , and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but I didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake. Here's the thing.When you laugh, it's hard
to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming ,and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grandmal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
said, 'Sonofabitch! ',then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff,
jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Kroger's.I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:55 pm

^^^

@Rover

I meant to tell you earlier that I laughed so hard that I could hardly breath.

You avatar is different! Smile

Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:37 pm

http://joeschwartz.net/quiz.htm

Very Happy

Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:38 am

^^^

Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:56 am

Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:00 pm

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for

his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500

in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for

the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to

his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer

that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the

modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for

myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says ,

'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Shocked

Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 2:47 pm

Red neck fire detector.....................

Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:14 pm

New Wall Street Definitions

These terms have been updated to fit today's times:

CEO - chief embezzlement officer.

CFO - corporate fraud officer.

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

"BUY, BUY" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

CALL OPTION - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.

BILL GATES - Where God goes for a loan.

ALAN GREENSPAN - God (past tense).

Trophy Videos · Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:22 am

A funny game. "I Spy With My Little Eye" Laughing

http://www.jibjab.com/view/228205

Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 1:32 pm

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut.

All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud,

She e-mails the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"

-------------------------------------------

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7663475.stm

Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:01 pm

Woman walks into a pet shop

There is a parrot with a sign under the cage "only £10"

She says to the shopkeep "why so cheap?"

ShopKeep: "the parrots' last owner was a mistress in a brothel and her language was terrible"

Woman: "don't worry about that, everyone in my family curses"

She pays him the 10 quid and covers the cage and takes it home.

When home she un covers the cage, the parrot looks around him and says "Holy Sh*t an new brothel and a new mistress F*cking great!"

Insenced, the women retorts "This is not a brothel! and I am not a Mistress " and she covers the cage is a rage.

An hour later her two daughters come home.

Mother says: "look what I bought"

She un covers the cage and the parrot says "Holy Sh*t! a new brothel, a new mistress and two new prostitutes! F*cking great!!!"

Disgusted the woman says "Oi! this is not a F*cking brothel! My Daughers are not prostitutes! AND i am not a Mistress!!"

In utter dispare she covers the cage.

Another hour passes and her husband comes home.

hoping for the best she uncovers the cage to show her husband her recent acquisition:

the parrot looks around him and says" Holy Sh*t, a new brothel, a new mistress and two new prostitutes... but the custom never changes, how's it going Dave.

Ba Boom Boom Dooosh!

Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 11:52 am

A woman went to her doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting
room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.

Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you
were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"

Laughing