Tracing my birth mother - Closure

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Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:30 am

For the purposes of identifying relationships, I will refer throughout this post to my birth mother as my birth mother and to my adopted parents as my parents or mother and father.

Nearly 60 years ago, as a 3 month old baby, I was adopted. My mother and father couldn't have children of their own. In 1985, the "Adoption Act 1985" was enacted here in New Zealand to enable adopted children to trace their birth parents and birth parents could trace children they had put up for adoption. There was a contact veto option for those who did not wish to be traced.

In 1985 I put in place a contact veto, and left with it a letter explaining that I had a fantastic upbringing, that my birth mother had done the very best thing for me by adopting me to my parents, and that I didn't want to be traced because I felt that would be being 'disloyal' to my parents. I didn't try to trace my birth mother at that time because I felt that she may have a family of her own and might not welcome me fronting up as her long lost child. (Oh how, in retrospect, I wish I had not done that)

Move on to last month. Soon after my 60th birthday, I decided to start tracing my birth mother. I am older now and have a family of my own, I thought I'd like to know if there were any medical timebombs lying in wait for me and mine.

It's such an easy process. I applied for my original birth certificate and it arrived in the mail a few days later with my "real" birth name and place of birth, and the name, age and place of birth of my birth mother on it. There is no record of my birth father's name, I have got a court order lodged requesting my full adoption file which may contain more information.

From Births/Deaths/marriages records held in the public library and from electoral rolls, I have traced her down.

My birth mother was born in 1922, I know where she was born and her parents' names. I was born in 1948 when she was 26. In 1964 she married. Her husband died in 1981. She died in 1992. I know where she lived, where she died, what she died of, and that she and her husband had no children.

But the incredible thing is that, sixteen years after my birth, she married my father's cousin.

What amases me is how easy tracing her was. It just took a few hours (OK, maybe a day or more all told) spent in the local library, some requests for documents from Births/Deaths/Marriages, and a few letters to people listed in the telephone directory with the appropriate family names living in the appropriate area.

Mods: If you feel this post reveals too much information about me, please feel free to delete it. However, I have deliberately avoided including detail which could identify me.

Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:37 am

Wow...what a story.

I am sorry that you did not get to know more; before your birth mother died. Sad

However, I understand your reluctance and feelings of not wanting to be "disloyal" to your parents. How sad, that she had no other children.
Did you get to meet her as the wife of your dad's cousin?

Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:49 am

No lotta, can't remember her (or him either). He'd moved away from my home town some time before he married.

Now the only thing I have left to track down is if there is an inheritance lying around waiting for me Laughing

I think that makes me my own second cousin.

Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 6:58 am

I'm sorry if you have regrets about your decision in 1985, but loyalty to your parents is a powerful force.

Nelsonsbattle wrote:

But the incredible thing is that, sixteen years after my birth, she married my father's cousin.

It suggests that perhaps your adoption was not between strangers. Is there anything in what you have found, apart from this marriage, that would suggest your birth mother and parents knew each other?

Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:46 pm

NB, what a story! One I can relate to.

I was adopted in 1955, at age 4 (OK, you can figure out my age from that Razz

). I was the 6th of 7 children removed from our birth parents and placed for adoption. We were adopted by three different sets of parents. When my oldest sister (adopted by the same parents who adopted me and my next-older brother) graduated 3rd in her class and had her picture in the paper, my oldest brother (adopted with two other brothers by a different couple) wrote to her.

In 1982 the 7 of us had a reunion, and my oldest sister kept in contact with everyone. The next year someone located our birth parents, and we learned that they had had two more daughters, which they managed to keep and raise. I had two letters and a phone call from them and decided that I was very glad I had been adopted. They seemed to feel that "losing" us was part of a conspiracy against them, and they wanted back in our lives. I stopped corresponding with them. Marjorie died in 1995.

In 2004 my oldest sister died of ovarian cancer. When I went to the funeral, I was introduced to my two youngest sisters for the first time. That was a little strange.

Roy died about a year and a half ago. I never felt any filial affection for them, just apathy. My mother said that shortly after the adoption was final I said, "My other mommy was my first mommy, but you're my last mommy." I still feel that way.

Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:49 pm

What a wonderful story. I am smiling with tears in my eyes. At age 26 she must have loved you very much to do what she did and since she was close, knew exactly who you were and shared the blessings in your life however remotely. Thanks for sharing NB and Titania.

Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 1:06 pm

It's great that you have been able to find your history.
Many children are adopted for many reasons and many children come from single or no parent families for many reasons. Death accident drugs etc.
Children are the most resilient people they bounce and bounce.. We all have a story to tell and more often it's not the fairy tale we expected.
There is a reunion TV show running currently in OZ. I'd never admit it but I have to grab the shirt sleeve and wipe a tear away.

Just don't tell anyone that - or I'll rip your bloody arms off

Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 5:58 pm

NB,

I help people on a daily basis trying to locate their adopted child or birth parent. In 99% of the cases being adopted was better for the child and parents. I have heard many stories about why children were given up for adoption. And, many birth mothers have told me that in their hearts they have loved that child for their entire life. Sadly, the adopted child does not know the reason why they were given up.

I had one lady looking for her birth mother who just wanted to know if she every thought of her. When they were united the first thing I asked the b-mom was "did you ever think of your daughter". Before she could answer the b-mom's sister said "every year on the daughter's birthday she would lock herself in her room and cry all day long". I also admired the daughter's adopted parents they held her hand through the whole process of finding her b-mom. She knew who her real parents were and who her b-mom was.

Although, I don't live in New Zealand (I wish I could) I will gladly help anyone who is trying to find a lost relative or birth family in the United States. They can contact me via Eater email.

I am glad NB that you were able to find out the information. It fills an empty space inside of you, eh?

Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 4:08 am

Eight wrote:

Is there anything in what you have found, apart from this marriage, that would suggest your birth mother and parents knew each other?

Nope, the likelihood of my birth mother and parents knowing each other is unlikely (they lived in different islands at the time). But I do have a slight feeling that I should check out if my father's cousin could have known my birth mother around the time of my conception. I don't know if it could be likely that if he knew she was pregnant and was adopting me out, that he could have directed his cousin (my father) - who couldn't have children - towards adopting me.

New Zealand's adoption laws were quite strict about anonymity and non-contact between birth parents and children around the time I was born. No tracing of birth parents or adopted children was possible before 1985, and a contact veto option was available for adopted children and birth parents of adoptions prior to 1985.

I've got a family funeral next week in my home town, so some following up is on the cards. I've also written to people of her family name listed in the White Pages in the area where she lived asking if any of them have information about her.

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1731

I am sure you received many Pm's. I have two kids in almost the same situation. I am an adoptive mom, so grateful for the sacrifices that two women made. It was a difficult decision for them and a blessing for me.

I don't know how to go on except to say that I support my kids in their search for their birth parents.

Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 6:57 am

I know that NZ has a comparatively small population (@4 million?) so I guess the likelihood of your birth mother knowing your parents could just be a coincidence, but even so it would be interesting to find out some more about the circumstances of your birth and adoption. I'm sure you have thought long and hard about it and wouldn't be pursuing it unless you are fully prepared for the truth, whatever it may be, so I hope you find the answers you seek. It's certainly very intriguing to think that you might be a blood relative to your father! Let us know what happens?

Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 8:09 am

Titania wrote:

My mother said that shortly after the adoption was final I said, "My other mommy was my first mommy, but you're my last mommy." I still feel that way.

Yeah Titania, I feel the same way. That's why I made it clear that I was talking about my birth mother and my parents. Though there was no biological link between my parents and I, they gave me security, love, a great moral upbringing, and a great start in life.

Couple of things I remember. One day I was walking home from primary school, maybe 6 years old, and the girl I was walking with and I reached our respective front gates. Before we parted, she asked me, "Do you know you're adopted?" I didn't know what adopted was, so I went inside and found my Mum. She was doing the ironing, and I walked in and asked, "Mum, what does adopted mean?" She dropped the iron onto the floor and burst out crying. She told me that she and my Dad couldn't have any children (I have a still-born older sister in the local cemetary) and so they adopted me as a baby because my birth mother couldn't keep me. I wasn't worried about where I'd come from, but I was worried that my Mum had been so upset. The girl who told me, her parents must have been discussing my origin and she must have heard them talking about adoption.

The other thing, when I was at secondary school, about 16 - 17, I played soccer (football) for a club team and for my school team. Remember that this is in a country where the rugby players are treated like gods. My Dad came to every soccer game I played, drove players to away games in nearby cities, and became a committee member of the club. Everything I did, he supported me. I couldn't have had a better father. Years later when my wife and I were travelling through the UK, we came upon a small church in the backblocks of Wales. We stopped under the shade of a tree outside the church, and the pastor came out and chatted to us. He took us into the churchyard and showed us the headstone he'd just had affixed to the grave of his ex-verger. It said, "He was a gentle man" - not a gentleman but a gentle man. That was my Dad too, he'd fought in the 8th Army through Greece, Palestine and North Africa, but he was a gentle man. The best times I had with him were when I went home and we just sat out the back looking at the wonderful view out over the fields and mountains, we'd just sit side by side and never have to say a thing.

Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 2:03 pm

*nodding* I understand that completely. I have often said, "Parent is a verb as well as a noun."

When I was in elementary school, at that age where kids like to find the buttons to push when teasing, the other kids would say to me, "You're adopted!" in a tone that hinted it was a bad thing. I just smiled and said, "Yeah, I'm adopted. My parents wanted me."

Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:24 am

Nelsonsbattle, I hope you find all you need. Wink

redshoes, I think it takes one heck of a person to take on someone else's children and my hats off to you. Very Happy

Titania, That is one awesome statement! Cool

Quote:

My parents wanted me."

Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:46 pm

I was adopted also. I have always known my birth parents though but they are not a big part of my life. I rarely see them or speak with them.

Master Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 146

Until recently I found a similar thing with my biological father and my step-father. My parents (mum and step-dad) made a point of ensuring I saw my father often, but we just didn't have much in common, so now (as an adult) though I see my father occasionally I kinda feel like I'm visiting a distant relative that you feel you SHOULD have something in common with but bide time until it's polite to leave.

If you don't spend time closely with someone, how can you expect to form a relationship with them - and being taken out for a meal or shopping is not spending time.

Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 3:25 am

Nelsonsbattle wrote:

The best times I had with him were when I went home and we just sat out the back looking at the wonderful view out over the fields and mountains, we'd just sit side by side and never have to say a thing.

Your dad sounds like he was a wonderful man, Nelson .......reading that really made me miss mine Crying or Very sad

I do hope you get some answers at the funeral next week.

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1731

As an adoptive mom, this thread has meant a great deal to me. I will never forget the sacrifices the biological mom's had to suffer. Adoption is a blessing to the kids and the parents who adopted them.

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 7:35 am

I've had a tumultuous few days. A very close relative of mine had died unexpectedly, and all the close relatives from New Zealand and Australia gathered for the funeral in my home town. Highly emotional time because they were extremely well loved by a large family, but many happy memories shared unto the wee small hours and much alcoholic beverage consumed (as is the custom in our family Smile

)

While I was home, I contacted one of my late father's cousins and spoke to them about my birth mother and their cousin who married my birth mother. They had done some research since we had last spoken, and had discovered that the brother of the man my birth mother married is still alive, and was living in the city where my birth mother married in and lived in before she died. I would be driving through there on my return home.

I rang him, explained who I was and why I wanted to talk to him, called in and spend a couple of hours talking to him and his wife, and looking through their geneology records.

They remembered my birth mother, they particularly remember their grandchildren going to my birth mother's and her husband's house at Christmas time and unwrapping presents under the Christmas tree and playing in the yard all day.

My birth mother apparently was a talented and intelligent woman, she was in a management position with a major company, she was outgoing, expressive, and fun loving.

Then, out of a pile of family photographs, they took a photograph and said, "I suppose you'd like a look at this?" There was a snapshot of my birth mother and her husband coming out of the church on their wedding day, he's turning his head to speak to someone off to the side of the photographer and she is smiling at the camera. They are getting the photo scanned at high resolution and giving me a copy.

I feel that I've got closure, my not contacting her while she was still alive is unfortunate and can't be changed. At least she found happiness in her later years. All I have that is unresolved is obtaining a copy of the official Government file on my adoption which will show if she received the letter I left for whoever tried to contact me.

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:08 am

That's a fantastic result and what sounds like a wonderful experience.

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:03 am

I'm glad you got the closure you think you needed, although from where I sit you sounded as though you were already very well adjusted to the whole situation. Very Happy

It's been good to read positive things about adoption from both sides in this thread. Smile

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 11:49 am

Nelson:

That is wonderful! I am happy she did so well in her time here and she gave you the chance to do the same.

I do some adoption work in my practice and it is among the most rewarding type of case I handle.

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:55 pm

This is one of the best things I've read here. What a great story Nelson.

Thanks for sharing it mate.

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 2:18 pm

Nelson, what a great conclusion! And wonderful that out of the sadness of the passing of a relative you found a connection to your birth mother. Very Happy

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:52 pm

A wonderful story. Thanks so much for sharing that, Nelson. And ditto for Titania. Such heartwarming reading is a welcome break from the regular battling with criminals that we talk about here.

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