Dumb and Dima

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Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 10:07 am

I've been baiting one Sa1du D1ma from Burkina Faso in my Malcolm Reynolds persona, and I have to say - this Lad is one dimwitted clod.

Just under a year ago, he tried to interest me in a Dead Bank Customer (never named) but suddenly vanished. Then, at the end of July, there he is again:

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How are you today? I just come back from my trip, I am sorry not to inform you about it, this travel came unexpected; Now what is happing??, I hope you are still with me and I will like to know the situation now. Please keep me updateI am not really as at ease since I couldn�t here from you for so long now; please what is your finally conclusion.

After a bit more waffle he said he'd dropped out because:

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my mothers sick and I tuck her to Ghana for medical treatment...

He ended up :

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I feel that you are not doing this alone, I am the initiator of this transaction so whatever the case may be ,seek for my advice first so that I will know the best way to go about it. Please do not break your promise for seek of humanity.

I replied:

Quote:

A trip? You were gone the best part of a year! I trashed the emails when I got no replies - I thought it was some stupid practical joke!
I'm sorry about your mother. I just wonder if Ghana's a better place than Burkina.
We'll have to take this from the top as I don't recall much, if anything, of the details.

As it turned out, it was supposed to be $18.5 million, and I was to be:

Quote:

the brother and next of kin to late Dr. Andreas Schrraner, your deceased customer who held the above account number with your bank, and who died in plane crash. I discovered the said account details in my late brother bedroom in Berlin, and as his next of kin I humbly appeal to your esteemed office to release and transfer these funds into my nominated receiving bank

At the end:

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I shall appreciate your prompt attention to this application and attached photo is my late brother and his wife to prove whom I am to them.

Nothing of the sort was provided. I ignored that and replied:

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I need to know more about Dr Schranner - like when he died, and what he did to earn that much money. One of the first things I learned in the Corps was that time spent in preparation is never wasted.

Then I noticed that I'd corrected the Lad's spelling.

He replied:

Quote:

All you have to do now is only to fill and send the text of application to the bank and stop asking all this question because i first sent you my detail which carry all the necessary information and also i am intact with the deceased man information as well with me here incase my bank i ask you any question. But i will also assure you that if any question come from my bank dear i will give you all. and all will be right , i also give you 100% risk free untill the bank transfer the fund to your account and resign and flight over for the sharing and investment in your country with my family.
The deceased man own almost three company here in our country,
1, A gold and diamond company.
2, Construction company.
3, Three Filling station of fuel and gas.

Don't ask questions? Bollocks to that!

Quote:

Look, I'm not trying to be difficult, but that letter is giving me pause - it says that is my brother and that he was living in Berlin. Is this going to work? I'm an American citizen and I'm claiming to be the brother of this German guy. I'd like to see his bio. Oh, and I'm going to ask questions if you don't give me answers.

I'd uncorrected my spelling and thankfully, he didn't catch on to the proper version. Instead he tried to soothe my concerns, but unsuccessfully:

Quote:

That's all well and good, but which should I claim - business partner, or cousin? You're the one who should know which is better.
There's also this - "attached photo is my late brother and his wife to prove whom I am to them" - no idea about that!

Eventually I received a letter with attached pix in the form of a word document with pasted-in pix. My response:

Quote:

First off; "I discovered the said account details in my late partner bedroom in Berlin" - I'm sorry, but in this day and age that sentence carries an implication I am not going to let stand. I want that reworded so that it doesn't imply that I was his gay lover!

And then if you look at the bottom right-hand side there's the picture with "Dr and Mrs George Brumley Accident Victims" next to it. They're dead ringers for the Schrraners! What the Sam Fr1ck is that about?

His reply made me smile:

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please dear i am not a kid to cheat or betray you, the name appear there is not my fault and have explain to you and don't ask this again , if you can't take to my explaination then you can live because may be you are not the right person to share the money with me and i will wait for God time. But if you like then go ahead fill and send the form to the bank or live me alone because i have tried my best for my explaination. with my four kids dear i can't tell you lies or cheat you as my business partner.

I doubt if he smiled at this part of my reply:

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You are probably the most stupidly stubborn man that I've ever had dealings with - and after training Marine recruits I thought I'd seen the most boneheaded dunces that humanity had to offer. I was wrong.

He wasn't happy:

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DEAR FRIEND, SO DEAR YOU GET THE HEART TO INSULT ME THAT I AM SO STUPID? BUT WHY PLEASE IS IT BECAUSE I WANTED YOU AND I TO SHARE THE MONEY TOGETHER? THEN YOU ARE NOW INSULTING ME? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I SENIOR YOU IN AGE AND OTHER THINGS? I AM 50 YEARS FOR NOW AND I WORK WITH THE BANK FOR 28 YEARS NOW. OK SINCE YOU HAVE AGREET AND SENT THE FORM TO THE BANK TO GOD BE THE GLORY AMEN? I WILL MONITOR IT AND MAKE SURE THAT THE MONEY IS TRANSFER FAST BECAUSE I NEEDED IT WELL.

Neither was I:

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I said those things because they seem to be true. I told you things that you needed to know and you refused to listen. I almost threw in the towel because of that.
And you may be older, but let me ask you this - did you ever serve in your country's army? I spent eighteen years in the United States Marine Corps and rose to the rank of Major. I was decorated twice and wounded three times. I've driven APCs and piloted gunships. I've watched helpless as my friend and gunner was lifted from the wrecked cockpit of a Cobra, his face shredded by the impact of AAA. You sit secure in your bank and never once think of those who serve to preserve your freedom.
You should thank God for them - if God listens to you or any of us.

He ignored that and we moved on. There was a form to fill out, with five questions relating to the DBC, and one with my personal info.

Quote:

I don't have a scanner so I can't scan the form in after I fill it in. Please copy in the answers for me and send the completed form back to me so that I can then send it to the bank.

I sent him the answers to the last question.

His reply was to send back the answers, including the one I'd given him for the last question.

I replied:

Quote:

Just when I thought you'd hit bottom in IQ, you plumb new depths.
Holy snapping duckshit, I sent you the answers for a reason, you bonehead! I asked you to fill out the form and send it to me so I could send it to the bank! How can I make it simpler?

What does he do but send the same list of answers twice!

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No! NO NO NO! I am telling YOU to fill out the form! I have the gorram answers! For the love of Pete, THINK!

Some more exchanges later:

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I have recopy and send that correctly to the bank and also the bank will receive it tomorrow since today is holiday here and i don't know in your country if it is the same thing there. Just relax your self and wait and see what will happen. i will check back.

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I did tell you to send it to me so that I could send it to the bank... but no, you don't ever listen!

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BUT I HAVE SENT IT MY SELF TO THE BANK AND THE BANK WILL REACH YOU BY TOMORROW BECAUSE TODAY IS HOLIDAY HERE IN COUNTRY.

Things began to get briefer:

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When I had told you, more than once, NOT to. Have you EVER done what you're told?

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yes i have sent it to then bank this afternoon

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Which (again) I told you NOT to do. Why don't you listen to me?

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stop this again with me, the bank has sent you a letter of Approval today and i want to see it?

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I'm stressing this because you're being consistently dumb and disobedient, and for no gorram reason that I can state.

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stop insulting me for the last time and who is dumb it must be you not i

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Explain the logic behind that conclusion!

I've had stupid Lads before... but not that stupid and persistent!

Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 12:15 pm

The latest gem?

Quote:

WHY ARE TRYING TO INSULT ME ALL THE TIME OR DID YOU THINK THAT I AM YOUR BABY?
SINCE THE BANK SENT YOU A LETTER APPROVAL ON SATURDAY YOU CHANGE AND YOU CAN NOT SENT ME A COPY TILL TODAY BUT WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO BE SO GREEDY WITH ME NOW?
THINK WELL AS AN AMERICAN YOU DON'T SURPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT.

I'm not sanguine about getting a rational reply, but what the hell...

Quote:

If you had behaved intelligently and responsibly we'd have gotten along fine. Instead you've ignored my good advice all the way and been totally contrary! Why do that?
The bank has sent me nothing - zip - bubkus. I don't care what they told you! Will you believe me this time?
Another thing - "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO BE SO GREEDY WITH ME NOW" - that makes no sense. What have I got to be greedy with (or about)? Explain this!
Finally - "AS AN AMERICAN YOU DON'T SURPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT". You might want to explain that one too.

Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 12:43 pm

This guy must like the abuse, he keeps coming back for more! Laughing

I look forward to more of this.

Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 9:29 pm

Well, the bank got in touch, but it seemed to have got its email mixed up with penile enlargement spam and meds spams. It read thus:

Quote:

Dear Sir,
See the attchement file above download and get back to us with our demand before we will
fully transfer your fund.
thanks.
Central Bank Burkina Faso-ouaga-01

Turn it to a stick of pleasure.
How to be more skillful at bed.
Here!

fIpathname fah-bulous epitomical
fastflight endviINNeb fLldaclose
fddixpress extrememly ethirajulu
enthielten federspiel favourable

Online shop for health, beauty, diet, nutrition, fitness, baby and personal care products
Find health information on a variety of health topics including skin care, osteoporosis, and smoking, arthritis, heart health and cough and cold
erlenmeyer extramural extracting

exhibition espiritual extendsfdf
euroschool escadrille euornithic
esarhaddon estaminets enfeebling

The "attchement file" was a 1.5 Meg bitmap that is probably one of the most badly laid out Lad documents I've ever seen:

I don't know whether to tell the Lad that his bank is also trading in sex aids...

Meanwhile...

Quote:

MY GOOD FRIEND I TRUSTED YOU? BUT MY PROBLEM WITH YOU IS THAT YOU ARE TOO INSULTIVE EVEN SINCE I SENT YOU THIS PROPOSAL AND I WILL WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU NOW IF YOU ARE STILL INTERESTING IN THIS DEAL PLEASE FORWARD ME NOW WHAT YOU RECEIVE FROM THE BANK OR YOU LIVE ME ALONE PLEASE?

Hmm... insult him some more? Decisions, decisions...

Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 12:11 pm

Both a red and a blue seal of truth, plus a Burkinese postage stamp, and still you question its authenticity? Tut.

Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 12:33 pm

"This is an authentic document of Groupe Bank of Africa Burkina Faso"

Well that's us told!

However tread carefully here... take a look at the surname of the Bank Director!!! Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 9:58 pm

I sent the Lad the text of the "bank" email, including the spam:

Quote:

I got something from the bank - apparently. It ended up in my trash because it seems to be from the Central Bank of Burkina Faso and the Best Shop For Mans. It read thus:
**
[message snipped - see above for text]
**
There was an attachment, but my spam filters had stripped it off.
Is this normal for Burkina businesses?

The Lad replied:

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i don't blame you

To which I replied:

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Um... for what?

I then wrote to the bank:

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There was a problem with your message to me as it ended up diverted to my trash and the attachment was removed by my spam filters.
Please re-send your message in an acceptable format.

What I got was this - observe the date:

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OUR REF : .BOA/BF-XIX-TM/VOL.2007
YOUR REF : …………
DATE : 19/04/2007
FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPT./BANK TREASURY DEPT. RE-ACTIVATION OF ACCOUNT.
ATTN:.
SIR, IN REGARDS TO YOUR APPLICATION TO THIS ESTEEM BANK,WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR APPLICATION HAVE BEEN APPROVED BY THIS BANK AND YOU ARE RECOGNISED AS THE INHERITOR OF THE SAID FUND. BUT YOUR LATE COUSIN(MR ANDREAW SCHRRANER)ACCOUNT NUMBER, HAS BEEN VERY DORMANT AND INACTIVE FOR MORE THAN THREE(5) YEARS SINCE HIS DEATH AND CANNOT BE USED FOR ANY TRANSFER OR TRANSACTION UNLESS IT IS ACTIVATED. IN OTHER TO REACTIVATE YOUR LATE COUSIN ACCOUNT FOR EASY TRANSACTIONAL FLOW OF HIS FUND OF USD$18.5 MILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT,THE FOLLOWING MUST BE MET WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT ACCORDING TO THE INTERNATIONAL BANKING LAW OF (IMF): CLEARANCE RATE FROM THE BANK TREASURY:USD$520
REACTIVATION RATE OF THE ACCOUNT :USD$360
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO MAKE THIS PAYMENT IMMEDIATELY SO AS TO REACTIVATE HIS ACCOUNT IN OTHER TO ALLOW HIS FUND GO TO YOUR ACCOUNT FREELY.
YOU ARE TO MAKE THIS PAYMENT TO THE BANK’S CHIEF ACCOUNTANT’S NAME,MR ALBERT CLINTON,THROUGH THE FASTEST MEANS OF PAYMENT, WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSER OR MONEY GRAM. ONCE AGAIN,ACCEPT OUR SINCERE GRATITUDE ON THE LOST OF YOUR LATE COUSIN.
THANKS
DR. JONAS YOGO.
TREASURER

Less than impressed, I wrote back:

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I'm not going to send anything without formal paperwork. Please resubmit the original document in 24 hours once I've reset my spam filters.

Then tings went quiet for a bit - in fact a week - so I emailed the Lad:

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I told the bank to resubmit their paperwork but they never replied. Suggestions are welcome.

In rapid succession I got an error warning about the bank email, and this (emphasis added):

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stop playing with me as your baby because i am not your baby. the bank sent you the letter of approval and also instructed you re-activate the deceased man dormant account with $880 dollars and since then you run away from me and even put fear in me as if you have run away with the money. i have been trying here and there to see where i can raise the $880 and send to the bank for re-activating of the dormant before the fund will be transfer to your account. can you call me +226 75 34 82 50 or you give me your number to call you now ? I have raise so far part of money which is $500 and now you need to raise and send he balance of $380 before the bank will re-activate the dormant account and transfer the money to your account please. if you can send the money today, the bank gave you this name as our senior accountant ( MRS MAIMOUNA OUEDRAOGO) and the city is ouagadougou burkina faso. you can send it through any fastest means of sending money by western union or money gram please after this every thing will be over i promise you with the love of God. i will wait to hear from you soon

.

My reply was:

Quote:

I am not playing with you! Hell's teeth, you are such a gorram no-load - how do you manage to get out of bed without supervision?
I just received a message as follows:
----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<[email protected]>
----- Transcript of session follows -----
<[email protected]>... Deferred
Message could not be delivered for 5 days
Message will be deleted from queue
The bank's email account is dead. This does not look good.

I don't think he'll like that.

Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 12:57 pm

No, he didn't like that:

Quote:

my friend stop all this lies because the bank email address is function. they bank ask us to reactivate the dormant account and i have only $500 with me please try and send the balance sum of $380 either to the bank senior accountant mrs maim0una 0uedra0g0 or you can send it to me then i will go and pay and reactivate the account and the bank will transfer the fund today to your account. please try and send the $380 today by western union money transfer to city of ouagadougou,country burkina faso west africa. that is why the bank can not transfer the fund since.

My reply was curt:

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Take back that phrase "stop all these lies", and apologize, or the deal is over.

So was his:

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what kind of lies do you talk about?

So I told him:

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Are you serious? The lies I'm talking about are the ones you accused me of, BONEHEAD! Look here - "my friend stop all this lies because the bank email address is function". Do you want me to forward you the error message?