Major Happy to the Rescue!

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Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 2:46 pm

It’s been a while since I’ve wound any of the lads up so you’ll forgive me for being a tad rusty
Hope you enjoy!

A small shout of thanks to jxd & hacker9 for their EmailParser

Quote:

Sergeant Paul wrote:
To: Mr Happy
From: Sergeant Paul
Subject: This is my Life In Your Hands
Body:

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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 2008 16:16:48 +0300
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: This is my Life In Your Hands
X-PHP-Script: test.webgdesign.net//index.php for 82.128.23.17, 82.128.23.17
From: "SGT.Paul Sawyer T SSG MIL USA US" <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit

SGT.Paul Sawyer T SSG MIL USA U

SGT.Paul Sawyer T SSG MIL USA US

This is a personal Letter directed to you alone.I know you would be
surprised to read from someone
relatively unknown to you before. My name is SGT. Paul Sawyer, a member of
the
U.S. ARMY USARPAC Medical Team , which was deployed to Iraq in the
beginning of the war in Iraq. I would like to share some highly personal
classified information about my personal experience and role
which I played in the pursuit of my career serving under the U.S 1st
Armored which was at the fore-front of the war in Iraq.

Though, I would like to hold back certain information for
security reasons for now until you have find the time to visit the
BBC websites stated below to enable you have insight as to what I'm
intending to sharewith you, believing that it would be of your desired
interest
oneway or theother.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm

http://www.jonathanforeman.com/military/nyp_iraq/04192003_chest.html

Also, could you get back to me having visiting the above
website to enable us discuss in a more clarifying manner to the best of
your understanding. I must say that I'm very uncomfortable
sending this message to you without knowing truly if you would
misconstrue the importance and decides to go public. In this regards, I will
not hold back to say that the essence of this message is strictly for
mutual benefit
of you and I and nothing more.

I will be vivid and coherent in my next message in this
regards, meanwhile, could you send me a mail confirming you have
visited the site and that you have understood my intentions? I will await
your thoughts.

Thanks,

Best Regards

SGT. Paul Sawyer
This is my Life In Your Hands

---------------------

Seems like a nice chap stuck out in Iraq. Must help the Allies

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Sergeant Paul
From: Major Happy
Subject: This is my Life In Your Hands
Body:
Dear Sgt Sawyer,

As an ex-military man myself I understand your predicament. Its not long since I have learnt how to operate this blasted contraption. I'm not sure what you're requesting, but as a retired Major from her Majesty's Army I stand by to assist our ally in his time of crisis

Your

Major Happy (Retired)

---------------------

Quote:

Sergeant Paul wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Sergeant Paul
Subject: This is my Life In Your Hands
Body:
Top of the day to you.Good to hear from you.I have to go straight to the point.My intentions are for mutual benefit.I need to be convinced that what I intend to share with you would be respected with utmost secrecy.I am a fighting in IRAQ for the safety of all Americans and the world at large.I have access to some of the mentioned fund in the website you may have visited.
My superior officer,Command Sgt. Major Eric F. Cooke was among the soldiers that were assigned to count the funds.Unfortunatley,he lost his life in action somewhere in Baghdad, Iraq.Here is the ABC news website listed to confirm what I share with you.. http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=39173
May I say that by his death,I became accessible to part of the fund in question which I have secured safely somewhere in Europe.Do bear with me holding back some information at this point as I do not know if you may misunderstand my intentions.Before I take any step further,I need to be assured of your integrity and experience in matters of huge amount of money.
It is my intention to move this fund out of Europe to your care having in mind that the funds would be shared between us.I need to know your readiness for this highly classified transaction before I proceed any further.
regards,
Sgt.paul

---------------------

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Sergeant Paul
From: Major Happy
Subject: This is my Life In Your Hands
Body:
Sergeant,

As an old war horse myself I offer my honesty as both an officer and a gentleman. We are both decorated officers; you've served in Iraq and I've served in World War II, perhaps alongside your father. War changes a man and don't we both know it. Terrible terrible things we have seen and worst yet to do.
I noticed that you mentioned the phrase 'move it out of Europe' for one have never considered England to be part of Europe, but those bloody bureaucrats in charge have left our defences weak and welcomed Jerry and the frogs with open arms.
You must understand that I'm an elderly gentleman, 91 years of age, still fairly spry, and in a veterans home, so if there's any running about or lifting its best you're aware of this quite early in our dealings.
Now that we have our cards on the table and understand where each of us are coming from, how do we proceed?
I've dealt with top secret stuff before; I was in project Overlord you know!

Major Happy (Retired)

Overlord for those interested was a codename used for the Normandy Invasion by the Allies

--------------------

Quote:

Sergeant Paul wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Sergeant Paul
Subject: This is my Life In Your Hands
Body:
I had an attack this evening but not very serious.The secret of this transaction is now in your hands as long as you are the only one aware off it, except the Attorney. I too tight over here security wise.I will be deploy to Samara North East close to the Syrian border and will have no access to check on my e-mail untill i return to the greene zone.In this wise,I would advise you contact the attorney in Canada so that he will give you the guidelines on how to recieve the US$55.8M.
I have given you my life, destiny, career and everything, believing and trusting that you will never work against me. Here are the details of the Attorney in Canada:

Renaud Lee (Financial Consultant)
7 John Graham Court
Scarborough , ON
M1B 4V9 Canada
Tel: +1-780-702-8526
Email:[email protected]

When sending e-mail, ensure to reference this coded wording: LOS 200 so that he could identify you or if you are calling on phone, you MUST mention the code as well.I do feel that it is necessary to know what is involved in the consignment.All our calls are monitored from the U.S Military exchange room.Introduce yourself to Mr.Lee as my relation that wants to help me clear these trunks for security reasons.Waiting for your kind reply.

Thanks

Sgt.Paul

so….Nigerian posing as an American in Iraq, asking a Brit to chat to a lawyer in Canada. Pity I cant get airmiles on this
---------------------

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Sergeant Paul
From: Major Happy
Subject: This is my Life In Your Hands
Body:
Dear Sergeant Paul,

Thank you for your email. It's best to understand that the Syrians are not a bad bunch although some of their ideas about God are a bit pants. If they offer you a goat, it would be no mean insult for you to slice its neck in front of them, one of their customs don't you know.

So this Canadian, what's he like? Trustworthy chap is he? I don't like lawyers. Bunch of weasels who avoid draft issues if you ask me. Shakespeare didn't like them either so I believe, said they all should be shot or some such.

Right you keep your head down and keep safe. If you've been loyal to your troops your troops will be loyal to you, unwritten rule that, saved my backside a few times. I'll get onto this lawyer chappy.

Major Happy (retired)

---------------------

Now to the lawyer! I don’t like lawyers

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Renaud Lee (Esq)
From: Major Happy
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Dear Ronald Lee,

Let me just start by saying, I don't trust you legal types. You're more slippery than a spilt bottle of oil. You people are the reasons the world is in the state it is. Back in my day, when a man had a dispute he took it outside and settled his differences with his fist. If he involved one of you types he was considered a poofter.

Now to business. Sergeant Paul has requested we work together regarding bringing this consignment over. Obviously the consignment has to come to England, because that's where I am, you just deal with legal mumbo jumbo. I've sworn to Sergeant Paul that the consignment will remain safe until such time that he is able to collect. I'm 91 and not likely to squander it on loose women and hooch. I may be partial to a small port every now and then but even I would have trouble sinking that much port.

He has asked that this matter remain secret. He has then decided to invite a legal person in, so I've invited my own squad in, which comprises of Major Kenny 'Ginger' McKormick and Sergeant Eric 'Spudgun' Cartman. I've known these chaps for close to 60 years and Ginger took a bullet for me once, almost killed him, the bastards!

Now, how do we proceed from here, and keep the wording simple and nothing in latin.

By Jove, this is exciting, makes the blood pump to be actually doing something.

Major Happy (retired)

---------------------

Quote:

Renaud Lee (Esq) wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Renaud Lee (Esq)
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Sir,

Many thanks for your email of today.As the beneficiary of these trunks in my custody. I hereby ,request you to provide me with the exact Amount you are expecting . And your password word from YOUR PARTNER This is part of our security procedure.Moreso,reconfirm Your full legal name and current address.
Your Sincerely,
Renaud Lee(Esq)

---------------------

Quote:

Renaud Lee (Esq) wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Renaud Lee (Esq)
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Dear Mr Lee,
Thank you for responding so prompt. I know what you legal eagles are like for punctuality but I also know that you can only be trusted so far before you turn.

The password was LOS200, I put it in the subject field and was told to use it in all correspondence with yourself. Bloody hell man, couldnt you see that?
My full Name and Title is Major Iam Tiberius Happy (McD NSq, Retired) and my current address is Poppyfield Retirement Home for Ex-servicemen, 31 Bootle Street, Manchester.
I was under the impression that Sergeant Paul wanted these trunks to come to England. What are they doing in your posession then? I think something is afoot here, just like a bloody lawyer to make sure he has his hands on the money all the time. I have never met an honest lawyer yet. Thats 91 years and not one stroke of honesty, what makes you think I'll change my thoughts for you?

What type of name is 'Renaud'? Ginger said its French, I said Belgium. Don't like Belgiums! I got shot by a Belgiun once, back of the leg. I returned fire and shot his knee cap off!

Let us proceed with no more dillydallying

Major Happy (Retired)

---------------------

Quote:

Renaud Lee (Esq) wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Renaud Lee (Esq)
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Dear Sir,

I am sorry you provided the wrong details.I would advise you reconfirm from your partner before contacting me futher.I need the TRANSACTION CODE FOR THE DEPOSIT AND ALSO THE EXACT AMOUNT INVOLVED.

egards,

Renaud Lee(Esq)

---------------------

Quote:

Renaud Lee (Esq) wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Renaud Lee (Esq)
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Dear Serg. Paul,

I hope you get this email in time before you go out on squaddie duty, but I've just got this from your lawyer chappie.
I told him the amount was US$55.8M.
and the password was LOS200

Personally I think he's playing silly buggers. I don't trust lawyers as you know. Shoot the lot of them I say let God sort them out. Apparently thats not PeeCee enough these days but only because those devils say so

Can you get in touch with this lawyer chap and tell him to get his thumb out or is there a password you havent revealed yet?

Best Wishes, return in one piece

Major Happy (Retired)

---------------------

Quote:

Sergeant Paul wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Sergeant Paul
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Hello Major,
I am very grateful that you have decided to assist me in this project.We have been able to make a lot of progress THE TRANSACTION CODE IS:UK/FUS/22KG/LON FOR THE TWO TRUNKS.I would advise you work closely with the attorney so that he can prepare the memorandum of understanding (MOU) and send to you which you will sign for records purposes also to enable him clear these funds from the High commission and deliver or transfer to your bank account.

---------------------

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Sergeant Paul
From: Major Happy
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Right ho old boy,
I'll get onto your lawyer chap and give the code. How goes it in Iran? I know the blighters over there are giving our British troops some misery, but I know you Yanks are having a harder time. Reminds me a bit of taking the beach at Normandy. There was me Ginger and Spudgun under Hamish's command, of course I was a sergeant back then and Ginger and Spudgun were both my privates, thought to myself back then I dont mind being shot just dont shoot my privates, well, we cornered a couple of Nazi's and they surrendered straight away, no fight in the swines, at which point I'd lost half my platoon to the gun nest. Now I had a choice, I could either march them back through the battle which is what was required, but instead we told them. Run! we shouted at them Roust Roust or whatever it is in German. They new what we were telling them and what we were going to do. One of the blighters actually wet his pants like a baby. We shot the lot of them all seven. Terrible war it was, terrible. So remember, if its a choice between folowing the rules and getting yourself killed or breaking the rules and saving your comrades, then to hell with the rules.

Major Happy (Retired)

---------------------

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Renaud Lee (Esq)
From: Major Happy
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Allright Lee, I've got your code. The password is UK/FUS/22KG/LON
The sum of money is $55.8 million. Now stop bloody fooling around and send the money over
This is one mans hard work in Iran fighting for your freedom here so that you can go around in your fancy Japanese import, speaking on your mobile phone not caring a tinker's curse for anyone. Comprendy?

Major Happy (Retired)

---------------------

Quote:

Renaud Lee (Esq) wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Renaud Lee (Esq)
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Your Email Refers,

The funds like you already know were concealed in metalboxes and deposited with a vault firm.Be informed that I have revisited the Consignments with the High commission and they are still intact. It is very important you note that In accordance with the DIPLOMATIC CARGO Enforcement Policy,such CARGO'S Marked (DIPLOMATIC)the consignee must show a proof of change of ownership or a base civil penalty will be considered for a Severity violation.
Firstly, we must have to LEGALISE YOUR NAME first as the new beneficiary of the two trunks, and as soon as that is done the Royal High Court of Justice will issue to you the BENEFICIARY IDENTIFICATION CARD, DIPLOMATIC CARGO CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE AND AFFIDAVIT OF OWNERSHIP.I can assure you with this three documents from the Royal High Court and HER MAJESTY Court you can sue the vault firm to any International Law Court if they fail to deliver the two trunks to your address.I am giving you few working days to confirm these trunks in your custody after we have met the requirements in your delivery address if you can work with my directives.I willing to guide you with all diligence and legal processes to ensure the smooth perfect success of this transaction.
You should note that this project is highly capital intensive.I have put modalities legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly,it shall pass through all the Legal Laws of International financial transactions.From my Estimate,including procurement of the LEGAL Documents in your name as well as paying the vault firm the demurrages the consignments has accumulated for safekeeping fees.For smooth conclution of this deal without any futuristic problems with the Vault Firm or the Immigrations.I have my contacts in place and all you need do is to work accordingly.I have attached a copy of the Royal Court of Justice form that you are to fill out and send back immedaitely via fax or email. I will be sending all the original documents as they are made out via DHL or Fedex courier.I have attached a copy of my ID for your perusal.Do give me a call so that I will advise you on how to fill out the form to avoid making mistakes.
Regards,

---------------------

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Renaud Lee (Esq)
From: Major Happy
Subject: LOS200
Body:
LOS200

Slightly confused here. I dont know how to scan this document in. As you know I'm 91 years of age. The youngest of us is 87 and he doesnt have a clue either. How do you email this form to you. We've managed to print it off and we've filled it in.
I know how to use the fax machine, thats easy enough, but we're in a reitement home, if we use that Matron will know that something is up and start asking questions. As you know Sergeant Paul has asked for no others to be involved. How do we go about this?

Awaiting further orders

Major Happy & Co (Retired)

---------------------

Quote:

Renaud Lee (Esq) wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Renaud Lee (Esq)
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Dear Major,

I would advise you fax the form directly to the officer in charge there in London ob +44-700594-2044.Or better still scan and send back to me via email attachments.We must have the completed form returned before we forge ahead.

Renaud Lee

---------------------

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Renaud Lee (Esq) & Sergeant Paul
From: Major Happy
Subject: LOS200
Body:
Dear Mr lee & Sergeant Paul

We have managed to find a shop nearby who were prepared to scan the required document in including my photograph.
There was an interesting development at the shop, we was asked are you Nigerian. Apparently theres some dubious fellows who fleece people for money via email with silly schemes. I said you were not Nigerian but Canadian and shown them the drivers license you forwarded through. She said it doesnt mean a thing and you could have got it from anywhere and assured me to ask for proof that you are who you say you are.
What Im going to do then is ask you to provide such proof.
You've got my form as a good will gesture and I notice on the form that youre asking for some money. Well, we've had a whip round and managed to get that amount together, but its not leaving this home until we've seen some evidence to prove you are who you say you are.
I'll have you know that legal mumbo jumbo will not hold sway with me here and Im damn well not going to allow me or my fellow comrades to be shanghaid by a conman.
I didn’t live through World War 2 to allow some Nigerian to get his hands on my money.

Now you've got my form you can check my details out. Let’s check yours. If you're prepared to have your picture taken a I describe we'll proceed from there. Until that point these matters proceed no further!

Major Happy (Retired, but to be taken for a bloody fool!)

---------------------

Quote:

Sergeant Paul wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Sergeant Paul
Subject: LOS200
Body:
I am most disapointed to read this mail from you at this time we are at the verge of making things happen.Reciving this message with my present condition is causing me great pain.Right now I dont have any acess to money or anthing and this is why I have been pleading with you to assist me.I assure you that the 30% that I promised still stands please bail me out of this so that I can leave this place.How can you be involved in a transaction and still be doubting it?The politcal situation in Iraq is not a hidden story or news,it is everywhere in the news papers and media houses all
over the world.I have a proposal for you and you have every right to verify the truth before we proceed that was why I included thos vital information my previous emails.Please continue to be there for me in this trying times and be rest assured that you will live never to regret this cos i will make every single thing up to u.I look forward to meeting u face to face.I might not be able to write again untill few days time when I am chanced like now.The pressure here in Iraq is too much now and I pray I make it back home.Pls there is noting illegal here because these funds are in a secured place now.Pls work with the attorney so that we can have these funds moved to your care.There is absolutely no cause for Panic.I am very optimistic that wit u and Lee's help I will be outta here soon.Please make Renaud Lee feel very relaxed because we need one another as brothers and sister to make this a dream come true.Ur friend in the land of death,
Sgt.Paul
LOS200

---------------------

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Renaud Lee (Esq) & Sergeant Paul
From: Major Happy
Subject: LOS200
Body:
I've copied your lawyer chappie into this email so I can tell you both instead of typing two different emails, amazing this modern technology. What this person in the copier shop told us has shaken my belief in this operation to the core, and as a solider you will know you can't win a fight if you dont believe in it at some level. Now, all of us lads at this end in the retirement home have been very honest with you, we've filled in your forms, took them to the shop for scanning, and even had a whip round for the stamp duty, so you can see we're playing fair.
Now I think we can make a request off one of you and here it is. We want a photograph of one or both of you holding a sign stating on it clear writing "Trust Me, Iam Happy". I think that this small sample of proof is not much to ask. We've taken you at your word with us doing the running around. I'm not bothered about 30%, I'm 91. Buy our retirement home a decent TV and a snooker table and our expenses and we'll consider that payment enough.

Now me and the lads have taken a decision, if you can't provide us with the proof we require then the ￡2,500 we've collected will buy us the TV and a decent 2nd hand snooker table with enough left over for a day out for all of us at the Pudding Club. We've not been to the Pudding Club for over seven years. Only place I know where they still do a decent Spotted Dick.

You've made your requests
We've made ours

You need us, more than we need you

Major Happy (Retired) and the Chaps at the Poppyfields Ex-servicemen’s Retirement Home

---------------------

Quote:

Sergeant Paul wrote:
To: Major Happy
From: Sergeant Paul
Subject: LOS200
Body:
AFTER SEING UR PICS.I REALISES THAT YOU ARE A WALKING CORPSE,APPRANTLY SEEKING WHEOM TO CAST U FINALLY.I WILL LEAVE U BCOS U ARE ALREADY A DEAD MAN.

---------------------

Blimey! Get the bitch OOOOO! Lets see if I can prod a bit of life into this still…

Quote:

Major Happy wrote:
To: Sergeant Paul
From: Major Happy
Subject: LOS200
Body:
I say young man, there is certainly no call for that kind of talk.
As a superior officer to you there should be some respect.
It is now obvious to me that you were never serious in the first place.
Never mind, the chaps in the Home have all pulled together and showed their British Spirit and we shall use the money gathered to make our purchases and bookings.
I take it from the tone of your email that what you actually mean is that you wish to part ways at this juncture. Would have been nicer if you had managed to hold a civil tongue in your mouth.
As for the comment about being 'a walking corpse', I'm 91 years of age, I have led a wondrous life been witness to countless amazing and dreadful things. One of which is second sight. Might I suggest you guard your left shoulder well as I don’t wish you death.

From one walking corpse to another

Signing off

Major Iam Tiberius Happy, (Retired)

No reply yet, he may or may not. Plenty other lads asking for me though! Wink

Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:28 pm

Entertaining! Your army major character is great, and I hope he pops up again in future baits.
Pity it came to an abrupt end like that but I guess you just happened to get a lad who's wise to the "hold a sign for me" modality.

Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:17 pm

Now THAT was funny!

Quote:

I've invited my own squad in, which comprises of Major Kenny 'Ginger' McKormick and Sergeant Eric 'Spudgun' Cartman. I've known these chaps for close to 60 years and Ginger took a bullet for me once, almost killed him, the bastards!

Almost killed Kenny, the bastards!
Shot them Belgiuns and Germans all right. Laughing

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