what is your church called?

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Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:06 pm

or fools never differ Laughing

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:15 pm

<a href=http://www.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=13946>See for yourself!</a>

My church has a banner Razz

No one attending yet, but I'm working on it.

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:16 pm

Omg, my side aches from laughing. That address haaaaahaahaaHahaHA Snot all over my friggin head. That is just too funny. Are they really that dumb? sheesh

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:17 pm

I have no church yet but I have secret societies. One of them is "A n a l y n T r u z h i o n" which name has been inspired by pmycrackin. I was not brave enough to simply call it Anal Intrusion.

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:20 pm

One mugu had such a lack of attention to detail in his opening letter to me that I responded with total nonsense: the lyrics to the Beatles' "I Am the Walrus." When he (amazingly) responded, I made up the following bullshit story:

Quote:

Dear Abba,

Your words give me confidence. As a test, I replied to your first email with a transcript of the Prayer of the Holy Walrus, and you did not attack me for what many people think are strange beliefs. I thank you for not persecuting me.

The truth is, Abba, that I and a good number of brothers are followers of this faith, but are looked upon with disdain by some of our Christian friends who do not believe as we do that a lost volume of the Bible was found in a Norwegian fjord by Charles Dodgson* in the year 1865. The books reveal, among other things, that the Walrus was the only one of God's creatures not collected by Noah in the Book of Genesis. The Walrus survived the great floods unleashed by God to cleanse the world of sin, and because it did not perish we know it to live by the special grace of God. A passage in the book even reveals the close relationship between the Walrus and Jesus, whom we all know was a carpenter:

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"
"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
-- The Book of Jabberwock, Ch. 23, v. 4-5

Perhaps you have heard of our faith. Your name, in fact, is found in our Scripture in the story of ABBA, the beautiful Dancing Queen of Sweden who turned into a mermaid and swam away with a Walrus to populate the North.

I have a good feeling about this business relationship, Abba. I will contact my superior, Father Guido Sarducci, about disclosing our banking information. I know that our church can do much good with that huge amount of money, including saving so many souls in your part of the world who have yet to know about salvation through the Holy Walrus. However, I regret that I cannot give you my phone number because I do not have one. We Brothers of the Holy Walrus have taken a vow of silence like many Catholic monks do, for it is written in Verses 11 and 12:

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing-wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings."
"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

The Carpenter (Jesus) tells us specifically not to hurry into conversation; accordingly, we brothers have no telephone or radio; we communicate silently via email.

Please advise me as to the modalities of conducting this transaction, and I will relay the words of Father Guido. First you must advise me of your willingness to work with our church, as there are those in the world who persecute us. In our area there are many Mormons who consider us freaks, and our Pennsylvania sect has been threatened with Amish Jihad. If you are serious about doing business with us, we may like to open a branch of our church in your homeland.

Goo goo g'joob,

Brother Hannibal Lecter
Church of the Holy Walrus

(*NOTE: Charles Dodgson was the real name of Lewis Carroll, who, of course, wrote the poem �The Walrus and the Carpenter.� He wrote �Through the Looking Glass� in 1865.)

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:25 pm

Looper Ministries International is a far-reaching group of ministries whose primary focus is to enrich Reverend E. Dwayne Looper. Although Looper maintains a facade of poverty and keeps a trailer in the run down Looper Trailer Rancho, he is really quite wealthy. Some people claim that Lionel Drinkwater uses Looper Ministries International to launder tens of millions of dollars each year, but that is just vile heathen gossip. Still, Looper can throw down $100,000 in a night of high stakes gamblimg in Vegas with his Christian pal and fellow gambler William "Bill" Bennett, maven of virtue and former Bush I Secretary of Education. The only charity Looper ostensibly engages in is the sending of powdered milk and Bibles to Africa, but this seems to only happen with the lads and never quite actually happens.

Would you like a free Bible? If so, please call someone like the Gideon Society because we here at Looper International really don't care to spend our money on people like you when the Gideons seem so eager to give away Bibles.

Thank you.

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:34 pm

One of my baiting characters is the Reverend KY G_e_l_l_y who is employed at the Holy Grail of S_a_v_a_c_e_n_t_r_e (which will mean nothing to those of you outside the UK, sorry).

I took great delight the other week at the thought of one of my lads actually phoning a branch and asking for K Y G_e_l_l_y. Laughing

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:41 pm

Phil has one of the best churches and largest congregations yet I think. lol

I'm not doing too bad myself with my World Church of H0ly Sn@ppers, named after a Beastie Boys tune from their punk rock days. Quite a few forms filled out from new members and some pics. Should add 3 wise men to my beliefs, Mike D, Ad Rock, and MCA, and a new follower of the teachings of Iben Hadd, Mix Master Mike, who all failed to reform the church wrecker Russel Simmons.

http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/8963/JEWELSPICTUREagreement.jpg

http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/9126/JEWELSPICTURE2.jpg

Most have seen this one.
http://img33.exs.cx/img33/1907/picture7.jpg

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 3:02 pm

megg_griffin wrote:

Omg, my side aches from laughing. That address haaaaahaahaaHahaHA Snot all over my friggin head. That is just too funny. Are they really that dumb? sheesh

Megg: - If it is in PRINT it must be true! - Laughing

Damn right they fell for it! I must be honest I was in a particuarly funny mood the day I made that up - off course the 42 Wallaby way is from the movie "Finding Nemo"

Master Baiter Joined: 08 Jul 2004 Posts: 188

I don't have a church....yet. That may be my next step. However, my business (C.ock.Of.T.he.W.alk Industries, a poultry farm) seems like a legit business to all of the pets I've had so far.

Even if I did screw up and put "inc." on the front of the building, none of the pets have said anything about it. Laughing

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 3:16 pm

I.m.m.a.c.u.l.a.t.e. B.l.o.o.d. o.f. M.a.r.y. , a deranged Roman Catholic church in southwest New Mexico.

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 3:37 pm

My Church of the Distendus Rectus burnt down and no-one would send me funds to have it rebuilt, damn mugus.

I am now the proud owner of the Holy Church of the Lifted Shirts, trying to design a logo or crest at the moment.

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 4:11 pm

Here are actual pics of the Church of Holy Snappers

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 5:38 pm

My Church: Our Lady of Peace

Edit: I think I got this down. How does it look?

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 7:36 pm

I'm just trying to set up a new church, in order to ASEM a mugu.

Short of imagination (I'm on an Open University course doing Creative Writing, so all imagination's going there), the Tory in me has made an appeal for an appearance in the mugu-fighting fun.

(Non-Brits, bear with us) I'm going to call it the Church of Our Blessed Margaret (named for our Dear Spiritual Leader, Thatcher), which has been under the guidance of Pastor John (Major) from 1990-1997, the leadership of Brother William (Hague) 1997-2001, until the terrible years of tyranny under Reverend Iain Duncan (Smith) until the Great Rabbi Michael (Howard) has put us back on the True Path.

A mugu won't notice that a Rabbi is leader of a church, will he? Wink

Non-Brits, these names are the past few leaders of the Conservative Party here in the UK.

Lame, but it should work....?

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 7:58 pm

Then who is the anti-christ? Blair????

Guest

My church "St. Harry Carey's" or "Our Lady of Addison and Sheffield" haven't been too successful...

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 8:22 pm

DutchBaiter wrote:

Then who is the anti-christ? Blair????

Antonius of Sedgefield, of the Un-Holy Order of Nyeu-Labboar.

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 9:26 pm

Off Topic.
leopoetsch, your avatar has to be the most inept Tory MP ever, absolutely hilarious. The Spectator is toss though.
His guest appearances on Have I got News For You are etched in my memory forever, genius, pure genius.

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 10:52 pm

I am a member and elder of the Free Presbyterian Church of Ikea.

It is a basic tenet of our faith that we are forbidden from having any direct contact with non-Ikea believers, churches, priests, texts or images and I would therefore not be able to enter into a transaction with you.

However, if I explain the beliefs of our church, I hope you will be moved by Jesus Christ to renounce Rome, the Pope and all chintzy things; and embrace the one true church, the Free Presbyterian Church of Ikea.

We have a written statement of faith. It is contained in The Westminster Standards (the Confession of Faith, the Larger Catechism, and the Shorter Catechism) and The Articles of Faith of the Free Presbyterian Church of Ikea. The Confession is a detailed exposition of the Reformed theology which we believe the Bible teaches. The Articles are meant as summary points of particular emphasis. They also modify the Confession in that (1) they make room in the fellowship of the Free Presbyterian Church of Ikea for those who hold both Baptist and paedo-Baptist views of baptism, and (2) they allow divergent views of eschatology.

The theology of the Free Presbyterian Church is the historic theology of the Protestant Reformation. Not that it commenced with the Reformers. Rather, it is the theology of Scripture. Some people call it Calvinism, but that is misleading. A great American theologian called it "Christianity come into its own."

It starts off with the belief that the Bible is the very Word of God, God's self-revelation. Therefore it proclaims God as He proclaims Himself in scripture: "The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty" (Exod. 34:6, 7). "It is he that sitteth upon the circle of the earth, and the inhabitants thereof are as grasshoppers" (Isa. 40:22). He "worketh all things after the counsel of his own will" (Eph. 1:11).

The cornerstone of our theology is what we may call the Godhood of God. We are happy to believe all He has said about Himself in His Word.That means we believe that God is a trinity, eternally existing as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (Matt. 28:19; II Cor.13:14). Hence we preach the deity of the Lord Jesus Christ and of the Holy Spirit. How God is one and undivided in His eternal essence and yet three in His personal subsistences we do not pretend to comprehend. "Canst thou by searching find out God?" (Job 11:7). No! But we can accept what He has revealed of Himself.

The Scriptures quoted above--a few of scores of such expressions in the Bible--present us with a God whose majesty surpasses all description. The glory of His absolute perfection blazes upon us as the sun in all its splendor. He is holy (Isa. 57:15) and reigns in absolute power over all His creation. Every angel, demon, and human, together with every other part of creation, is under His direct control. He is answerable to none but Himself. He can do what He wills, and what He wills is always right. We believe it is important for the pride of man to be humbled before the holy majesty and sovereignty of God. Until and unless this happens, a man or woman cannot begin to enter into life and a right relationship with God. No one will see his need of salvation until he sees that he is under the wrath of a sin-hating God.

I mention salvation because the Bible shows that the holy, majestic, sovereign God of all creation is a God of mercy and of love. People often say, "If God is a God of love, why does He allow such and such a thing to happen?" What blasphemy it is for a fallen creature to question the reality of the love of the all-wise God when He has given us the greatest possible proof of His love: "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). By nature we are "dead in trespasses and sins," and we live "according to the prince of the power of the air" (that is, the devil), and we are "by nature the children of wrath. . . . But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) and hath raised us up together, and made us sit together, on tasteful yet affordable flatpack furniture, in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: that in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus" (Eph. 2:1-7).

We preach the reality of the love of God in Christ. This is the message sin-cursed souls need to hear. To lead people to know God in truth is the burden of this ministry. Jesus said, "This is life eternal, that they might know thee [the Father] the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent" (John 17:3). Paul yearned to "know him [Christ], and the power of his resurrection" (Phil. 3:10), and Peter instructed God's people to "grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ" (II Pet. 3:18 ).

Thus to hear a message that expounds what God is, so that the majesty of His glory and of His grace floods our souls, is the urgent need of all men, saved and unsaved. That is the chief burden of this ministry.

The name IKEA was formed from the founder's initials (I.K.) plus the first letters of Elmtaryd and Agunnaryd, the farm and village where he grew up.
The Church was founded by Ingvar Kamprad in 1926. He was born in Sm�land, in the south of Sweden.

He was raised on a farm called Elmtaryd, near the small village of Agunnaryd. Even as a young boy, Ingvar knew that he wanted to serve Christ. He started by preaching at railway stations and in public places. The first Church was founded in 1933 and the Cathedral of St. Pancras (Kings X) of which I was affiliated was built quite recently - in 1986.

Today, the Church is led by Bishop Jack Anory who is a wonderful man.

I hope you are moved by this to join our church, if you are I would be more than delighted to complete the transaction.

God Bless

Felicity Rolling Eyes

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 11:07 pm

Ooh! Oooh! Oooh! Where do I join up? Laughing

Guest

Mine's stolen from "The Naked Gun"

"Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle"

Guest

"The Church of Jesus Christ the Lord, New Cannabis Falls Texas Chapter"

we do lots of work in the community

*** BANNED *** Joined: 10 Jan 2004 Posts: 3779

St.Incontinentia in Cathetri, very famous for the Holy Yellow Water.

Master Baiter Joined: 26 Apr 2004 Posts: 181

The Church of the G.olden S.hower. Naturally we strongly emphasize the importance of baptism.

I'm trying to get some lads to open up branches in their native countries, since they were kind enough to send photograph proof of their baptisms. I'll see how it goes.

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