Things your doctor says that make you laugh

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Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 3:47 pm

I damaged my coccyx (tailbone) from sitting virtually on the floor of a Marcos sportscar with hard suspension.

Eventually I went to my Doctor, who told me to give up smoking and drinking. Rolling Eyes

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:12 pm

I went to a county hospital (didn't have insurance at the time) and sat in the emergency room for 12 hours (not an urgent need, thank goodness).

First, after several hours I needed to use a bathroom. The bathroom in the waiting room was not wheelchair accessible. My friend and I went up and down several corridors looking for an accessible bathroom. Nada. We asked a security guard, who pointed down another corridor. We went, and - hooray - an accessible bathroom! -- Which was locked. We went back to the guard, who said, "How interesting." He wandered off to find the person with the key. Several minutes later, another guard took his place. He also was surprised that the door was locked and completely clueless as to what to do (this was at about 10 o'clock at night). Apparently the bathroom was only open during the day and early evening.

Finally, at 1:30 a.m. I saw a physician's assistant. He was looking at my eyes (the reason for my visit) and asked why I was in a wheelchair. Without saying a word, I lifted my right leg, which ends above the knee. I was now unimpressed with his powers of observation.

He did find me a (sort-of) accessible bathroom, though.

(That hospital building is being torn down now, BTW. It was built in the 1930's and not renovated since, so it had been immune from the ADA regulations.)

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:58 pm

Well if you listened to mine, I was supposed to be dead. About 15 years ago Rolling Eyes

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 06 Feb 2008 Posts: 720

My Dr said I havent seen you for a long time

I said yes I havent been well

Tommy Cooper circa 1970

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:19 pm

A woman goes to the doctor.

After examining her, he says: "I'm afraid you're terminally ill and you only have six months left to live."

She says: "ok, but I want to hear a second opinion."

He says: "fine, no problem; you're ugly too."

Bidibum, rim-shot! Wink

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:23 pm

...just a little prick. Very Happy

well, someone had to say it

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 06 Feb 2008 Posts: 720

Dr said go over to the window and poke your tongue out

I said why?

Dr I don’t like the lady next door

Circa the Dawn of time

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:04 pm

A guy goes into the Doctors
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?'
"Don't you start"

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:36 pm

'Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains'
'Pull yourself together'

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

'Doctor, I feel I'm a tepee in the morning and a marqee in the afternoon'
'Ah that's the problem, you're two tents'

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

PATIENT: "Doc, my arm hurts when I lift like this!"

DOCTOR: "Well then don't lift your arm you idiot".

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:15 pm

A man goes to the doctor and says
"Doctor, I broke my arm in three places"

And the doctor says
"well don't go back to those places"

A man goes to the doctor and says
'I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
And the doctor says
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:37 pm

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:51 pm

Is this the Henny Youngman thread?

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Simba wrote:

. . . 'It's not unusual.'

Go away Simba . . . . go far, far away . . . . Laughing

And as Henny says:

"Take my wife . . . please"

Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:31 am

I gave birth only once and I was so scared. When I get to the hospital the nurse tells me to take off my clothes and put that gown on. Rolling Eyes

When the doc came in to examine me, he pulled up the gown, started cracking up and said, "Sweetie don't you know you can't have a baby with underwear on?" Embarassed

I did the same thing when I broke my finger and I still don't understand what emergency would require cutting my undies off while operating on a finger. Shocked

Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:30 am

One week post-crainal surgery...surgeon tells me on release, "you won't remember very much for the next month or so...can you try to remember that? Shocked

(I didn't remember it...Mum told me about it later Laughing

)

Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:29 am

me - i`m ringing for my blood test result.
doctor receptionist -we can tell you the test is ok, but not if there is a problem.
me -what is it
doctor receptionist -we cant tell you.
me- can i speak to the doctor?
doctor receptionist - no
me-why not?
doctor receptionist -he`s away on holiday and isnt expected back for 2 weeks. it is not clinic policy for patients to contact doctors while they are away.!
me - can i speack to another doctor then?
doctor receptionist - errrr... we`ll have to see about that. ! Shocked

----
also they were giving me the same blood result for a test i did 6 months ago. !!

Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 2:49 pm

I know what you're talking about, Drew. My previous doctor's nurse would not tell me what my blood pressure was - she said the doctor would tell me. When I asked him, he looked at the paperwork, shuffled the papers, and reached for the monitor to take my bp again. Next time, I asked the nurse again, and again she would not tell me, saying it was office policy. What the heck? What's so confidential about one's blood pressure that they can't even tell the patient?

On another note - I'm laughing with joy because my [new] primary doctor took me off most of my meds, lowered the dosage of the ones I still have to take, and told me, "You're darn near normal." For over three years I've been over-medicated. Sheesh!

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:42 am

Doctor, I feel really ill. I said.

So do I. She said.

She is now retired.

clapping

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:03 am

Patient: Oh doctor I think I'm impotent.
Dr: Impotent? Take this Viagra and Prozac.
Patient: Prozac?
Dr: Yes. So if you don't get a ***k you won't give a ***k

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:55 am

Doctor Doctor, my lungs are bleeding and i can't stop coughing

Click

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:14 pm

A la "Malcolm in the Middle" (SPOILERS!!! lol):

Malcolm goes in to get appendix removed. Has to go in children's ward.

Doctor shows intern group where it hurts on him by poking his appendix with a pen.

Wakes us one night to a group of doctors putting a metal cage over his head and drawing an "x" on his forehead. Doctor checks chart. "Oops."

Malcolm feels better and tries to tell doctor that it wasn't appendicitis. Doctor won't listen.

Malcolm gets new blood test results from a doctor in 20s in exchange for a cup of his pee for a drug test.

On surgery table, gets put under. When doctor opens flap of gown on stomach, it says "Red blood cell count xxx, white cell count xxx... I will sue your ass for malpractice..." Doctor then asks for another blood test

Back at home, parents are pissed because he's supposed to be smart and why he couldn't figure out that he wasn't sick sooner.

LOL_sign

_____________________________________________________________
JOKES!!!

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

To all Mr. Bean lovers, and non-Mr. Bean lovers!
Bean in a waiting room: http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Iujt9-TyWo

Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 9:09 am

I work at a hospital for a while, a few co-workers told about this guy who came in to the E.R. with a glass bottle stuck up is arse.

Thats about all I can remember, I think that they had to break the glass to release the suction.

Lol I would of loved to be a fly on the wall while the questions are being asked

Doc- how did you get the bottle stuck in your arse
Patient- well....you see doc I was um............

Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 10:00 am

According to the ER doctor I know the answer is usually "I accidentally sat on it". There's a hilarious website somewhere with xrays of various 'foreign objects' that people accidentally sit on. I will try and find it.

Edit: Here it is. Probably NSFW. the live artillery shell is particularly impressive.

http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html

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