Somehow I don't think she's a real Christian

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Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:07 pm

Standard dying widow mail...

Quote:

It is my last wish to see that this money is invested to any organisation of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization,the poor and the motherless babies home where i come from.I want you God fearing, to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows.

I reply

Quote:

Dear Mrs Roder.
I am sorry but as a lifelong atheist I am unable to help you in this matter.
I hope that you are feeling better soon.

She gets back with page 2 of the script

Quote:

MY BELOVED,
I MUST SAY I AM VERY VERY HAPPY TO HAVE RECEIVED YOUR
EMAIL WHICH I WAS GOING THROUGH FASTING AND PRAYING
WHICH THE LORD ALMYTHY TOLD ME THAT YOU ARE THE ONE
WHO HIS GOING TO CARRY OUT THIS CONSIGNMENT AS IT HAS
BROUGHT LIFE INTO ME, THANKS A LOT AND
GOD BLESS YOU.YOU HAVE TO ONE THAT GOD HAS CHOSEN FOR THIS TRANSACTION YOU ARE BLESSED ALREADY

Hmmm...

Quote:

Mrs Rodder

Are you absolutely sure that you are feeling OK? I did state in my previous email to you that I am a committed atheist and in your reply you are going on about a god guiding me to you. I have to say that this is very unlikely. Are you sure they have not got you on morphine or something in that hospital?

However if you are absolutely certain that I am the right person to manage your wealth after your death I will gladly oblige. My intention would be to set up a fund to assist a poor and downtrodden section of the community who are normally referred to as furries who are much maligned because of their need to dress up as anthropomorphic animals. This fund I am proposing would exist to provide these unfortunate people with fursuits, vast quantities of alcoholic beverages, nasty foreign bestiality tapes and tickets to Anthrocon.

If you are happy with your funds being spent as I propose please get back to me and I will contact your barrister.

Kind regards

Quote:

MY DEAR BELOVED

CONTACT BARRISTER FRANK COPPER,HE WILL MAKE YOU THE BENNEFICIARY OF MY FUND LYING IN THE SECURITY COMPANY.

Rocking! Anyone in need of a new mongoose costume just let me know.

Rolling Eyes

Wannabe Baiter Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 84

Oh my. I believe this deserves a: ROFLMAO!!!!!

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:09 pm

You atheists and your gods confuse me Wink

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

I've never been able to put my faith in atheists.

Sounds like you could have a fun/frustrating time there.

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:14 pm

dying woman wrote:

THE LORD ALMYTHY

That proves it. She worships some god named Almythy.

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:40 pm

At some point in the bait, be sure to quote the Second Gospel of Peter, Chapter 4, verse 19, to her: "Lo, it is better to be a goat than to be insincere to your fellow man".

Bruin

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:12 am

Is that what a furry is? I'd been afraid to ask.

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:20 am

@Bruin - I am compiling quotations from the Book of Isaac, which are handy on these occasions. Some day I may provide the list as a resource for the community. It's strange, but many of Isaac's proverbs and prophecies are also caprine in nature.

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:36 am

My reply to the same lady's barrister:

Quote:

Dear Bannister

I have been given your name by your dying client, Mrs. Roder, who was infamous for the hospitality she offered between her thighs on her frequent visits to our country.

Now that the old bat is about to snuff it, I would like some of the loot. She has offered me 20%, but I think my role in this modality is worth much more, like 55%. What do you think?

Love
[male character]

I think we may have a really dumb one here.

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:45 am

Well, this is definitely one to watch. Great stuff. Laughing

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:15 am

Furries everywhere thank you for your generosity and support!! Laughing

Darn, I had a pic, but I can't attach it??

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:37 am

A Cancer letter that attracted the attention of included:

Quote:

I do not know why i chose you for this but i am of the believe that it is God's directions and he never failed me. The funds will be entirely in hands for management and i pray God gives you the wisdom to touch many lives of the poor in your country and outside your country.

Cammy replied:

Quote:

Please hold on for just a moment. I have to make some things clear.
You referred to "God's directions" and "i pray God" - if this means you are a Christian, then I should tell you that I'm not. I worship the Aesir, the Lords of Asgard, most notably Odin and Freyja. I'm willing to help the poor, trust me, but not in the name of Christianity. I hope you understand this. I never like to mislead, and especially not one in your position.

Her reply:

Quote:

What you said in the email is okay by me, all i want form you is to use the money a be a blessing to the poor incase i do not recover from this sickness.

Thereafter, until her untimely death, references to God were perfunctory.

Previously, had received a Cancer Letter including:

Quote:

Eliza i really sense you can help and i believe you are a God fearing Woman.Like the saying goes "the devil you know is better than the angel you don't know". I believe i have been able to explain why i contacted you and i pray the Lord gives you direction on how to go about everything.
I hope to here from you soon,so i will contact my lawyer to get in touch with you on the necessary take over process.And please assure me that you will act just as i have stated.
Thanks once more for your response.I await your reply
May Almighty God walk with you and guide you

.

Eliza replied:

Quote:

I'll be straight with you - I'm not a God-fearing woman in the sense you mean. I'm not a Christian. I give worship to Odin Alfadur of the Aesir - the gods worshipped by the Vikings and the Germanic tribes in past ages; the deities of our Aryan heritage.
I'll do all I can to help you - just understand that I can't do anything to assist Christian works. Charities are OK, like helping widows and orphans; but no missionary stuff.

But it was OK:

Quote:

Thanks for your help and sorry about the Christain thing what i meant was that i sense you have a kind heart.

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:54 pm

Thomas - My mistake!! My quote was from the Book of Isaac, and not from the Second Gospel of Peter. But, at least I was right with the rest of the citation: Chapter 4, verse 19!

Bruin

Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:07 am

A few quotations from the Book of Isaac which it would be nice if other people would use so that they become part of the lads' discourse:

A reason for not talking on the phone:

Isaac wrote:

"Thou shalt not converse with the stranger beyond the seas unless thou thereby see his face." [ch 4, v2]

Let me remind you of the words of the Book of Isaac (ch4 v11) referring to men who lead young women into the paths of unrighteousness (I've used this on a lad who fell in love with my female character and started making explicit suggestions to her:

Isaac wrote:

"Thou shalt be cast onto a steaming dung-heap, O thou wolf in sheep's clothing!"

Also the Letter of Saint Paul to the Elbonians (ch1 v14):

Paul to the Elbonians wrote:

"Hear this, O ye whose name is but a byword for depravity, for you will be kicked by an incontinent camel!"

Remember, as the Bible says in the Book of Isaac (I have no idea what these mean, but they sound good to me):

Isaac wrote:

"Honey tastes sweetest to him with the longest tongue"

and

Isaac wrote:

"Between the rocks shall ye discover the cradle of the golden child"

A quote from the Book of Isaac:

Isaac wrote:

"May your affairs prosper like the cedar, and those of your enemies wither as goat dung in the noon sun."

Is it not written in the Book of Isaac for use when replying to a Christian dying widow that:

Isaac wrote:

"He who helpeth the stranger across the seas shall enjoy the blessings of the Lord"

And for further good wishes (my personal favorite):

Isaac wrote:

"May the Lord set your enemies before you as on a dungheap, and the spirit of your foes be as urine in the wind."

But we need more...

Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:16 am

Quote:

Also the Letter of Saint Paul to the Elbonians (ch1 v14):

Surely you mean Saint Dilbert.

Wannabe Baiter Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 84

thomas-the-tank: Perfect! Do you have any links to a website with more quotes like these? One must be aware of all the holy guidelines in order to live his or her life in the proper righteous manner. Wink

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:01 am

No, no Web site for these (these are all of my own making). If I ever decide to write the Book of Isaac, or at least selections from it, I'll make them available.

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