How to build a place in Nigeria

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Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:48 am

My lad is asking me for money to help with the construction of an HIV/AIDS center in Nigeria for an NGO. I have asked him for a 20-page report on construction, estimates, etc. and he's come back with 2 or 3 pages of hard work in putting together a load of crap to convince me to provide the money. I've thanked him for his excellent summary, and let him know that I expect the full report soon.

However, you should know what you need to build in Nigeria - construction standards there are very different to what we have here in Japan, and also probably different to the UK and US.

Quote:

The constructor gave me some of the lists of the materials needed for the building and we have gotten land because if you could re-collect in the last letter I sent to u I said that the government here had given us a land where the building will be build so out of the things will need for the building we have gotten land. These are the materials:
Sand
Stones
Blocks
Cements
Wools
Water
Laborers
Generator plants
Prints
Roofing sheets
Nails
Bubs
Tails
P.v.c pipe
Glasses
A.c Air condition

But I have yet to see the plans, so I don't know where the bubs and tails will go.

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:23 am

Ok. I haven't laughed this hard in yrs!

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:24 am

Tell them that your an architect and that they're plans are phony! Laughing

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:33 am

Or that you have BETTER plans. Involving Marshmellow insides. Laughing

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:36 am

Have them use lead paint and asbestos in your plans Twisted Evil

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:47 am

Oh this could go on for a few weeks, if I play my cards right. The money is coming from the here in Japan - about $200,000, so there's a real incentive for the lad to come up with whatever I demand. He's a very willing lad as well (see my pith helmet collection).

But as an example, floor plans in the West are usually shown from a top view, but in Japan, we need the detailed architects' drawings made as though you're looking upwards.

I don't think lead paint and asbestos are the way forward, though - what we need are appropriate certificates from the Ministry of Construction and the Ministry of Health certifying that the contractors are asbestos-free and have never handled lead paint in the past 5 years.

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:50 am

Photographs of potential construction sites are a prerequisite for any major building project.

And one of those architects models. Wink

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 6:01 am

@windypops - photos of site (together with lad holding appropriate sign) are a given, but I hadn't thought of architectural models. Excellent idea - I will make sure that appropriate models are constructed by all contractors bidding on this project.

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:58 am

I love that labourers are just lumped in with the rest of the materials.

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 24 Jun 2008 Posts: 13

This sounds like you could keep him going for weeks.
Cos of the amount of money involved you might be able to get to to dress as a morris dancer and send the pic to the Summer Trophy Challenge!

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:47 am

@TtT...

Big laugh here...
I'm pretty sure that wools, bubs and tails are worn by the labourers to create very formal looking work crew for the grand opening ceremonies. Cool

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:28 pm

Quote:

Generator plants

Do those need to be replanted every year or do they just come back to life?

Not quite a Newb Joined: 21 May 2008 Posts: 75

have you been to Africa? i genuinely think with that list you could probably reconstruct most of the buildings there Shocked

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:17 pm

haha great bait!

Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:34 pm

My lad pet claims he is an architect (he's the one in my avatar). Right now he's making the drawings for our house in Nigeria after we're married (I'm financing it of course Rolling Eyes

) . Maybe I can get him to work on your project too? The problem is that he's already been slapped for being irresponsible with his money so I don't know how well he'll do sticking to a budget.

It looks like you're going to have fun with this one. Enjoy it!

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 12:54 am

Obviously you've never heard of the new Craze in Nigerian Architecture. This s a picture I took the last time I was there!

*edit* u gotta click on the picture to see the labels Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 12:55 am

Update - the chairman of the NGO had to send his bio to the Trust in order to introduce himself. this is what I got:

Quote:

Chairman, N.G.O ON HIV/AIDS

I am the chairman of NGO ON HIV/AIDS, the worldwide services and solutions that help people HIV/AIDS to realize their full potential. Born on Oct. 28, 1955 , grew up in Seattle with his two sisters. Their father, Andrew, is a Seattle attorney. Their late mother, , was a schoolteacher, University of Washington regent.

I attended public elementary school and the private Lakeside School . There, I discovered an interest in people living with HIV/AIDS.

In 1973, I entered Harvard University as a freshman, where he lived down the hall from Steve Ballmer, In my junior year, I left Harvard to devote his energies to work with a organization where people are teach on how to on prevent of Aids.

In 1999, I wrote, a book that shows how problems on aids can be prevented and this had changed people way of thinking about Aids.

I have donated the proceeds of both books to non-profit organizations that support the use of technology in education and skills development on Aids.

In addition of my love for people, I founded a small organization which is developing people which are living with Aids.

What brought lead me to this was the passion I have for people living with Aids they way they are not taking care of them so I now said that all what we take I will help them to know that they too belongs to the world and they are part of us and life.

I got married on Jan. 3, 1994 , to Becky Andrew. We are blessed with three children. Am an avid reader, and enjoys playing golf and bridge.

Mr ,
Chairman

Well, my (female) character hit the roof at that, and demanded to know in an IM session with the lad what the hell the chairman was playing at. She said she could lose all credibility with her boss, and maybe even her job if this load of bad cut and paste crap (this was so bad I had no compunction about saying it was bad, without going into specifically why it is so bad), and demanded a hand-written letter of apology, which arrived:

My character's response to the lad, openly cc'ed to the chairman:

Quote:

Yesterday was really embarrassing. Your bloody chairman, , or whatever his name is, is a f***ing idiot (and yes, I am sending this message to him as well, because he should know what is happening). called me into his office and very nearly fired me because of his stupid fake biography. I have lost all credibility with him because of this, and I am really lucky to still have a job here with the Trust.

I've just picked up John's letter of apology, and I've removed it from mail before he sees it. He will go mad if he sees it in that state.

I told you to tell him that the message should be at least three pages long and should include his full biography (truthful this time and not copied from another biography - what a f***wit!!!) in standard format like a job application. Why the f*** didn't you tell him this? (this woman uses four-letter words a lot)

And the paper you used was crumpled and torn. That is a sign of complete disrespect to , and there is no way he would ever consider any application from someone like that. Does this chairman have no sense at all?

For God's sake, let's get this thing done properly. Then, if accepts the apology (and I really cannot tell if he will), we can move on to the next stage.

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 1:02 am

Quote:

I told you to tell him that the message should be at least three pages long and should include his full biography (truthful this time and not copied from another biography - what a f***wit!!!) in standard format like a job application. Why the f*** didn't you tell him this? (this woman uses four-letter words a lot)

Is she related my my primary persona ? They seem to have the same... lack of inhibition when it comes to expressing anger!

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 1:10 am

@yastreb - I think that may have a connection with your characters somewhere down the line and she certainly lets fly with her language when annoyed. She also has a penchant for sending topless photos (or sometimes photos with even fewer clothes) of herself to lads, who drool over her body.

This is especially helpful in promoting a relationship, I find, as the lads are then much more willing to accept the slaps she gives. "Once you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow". I don't use just this character, but she acts as a useful foil to my main male character from time to time, and occasionally (as in this one) she flies solo. She's leading a locked trunkbox scammer around by the **ck right now (which reminds me, his package must be moved from Interpol Security in Dunhuang, China to the regional distribution hub in Somalia).

Not quite a Newb Joined: 06 Apr 2008 Posts: 68

thomas-the-tank wrote:

I don't think lead paint and asbestos are the way forward, though - what we need are appropriate certificates from the Ministry of Construction and the Ministry of Health certifying that the contractors are asbestos-free and have never handled lead paint in the past 5 years.

Ack...De-educate the lads! You must have certificates indicating that they are only using lead-based paints because studies have recently shown (insert silly reason here) and so on.

Laughing

-DTGR

Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:49 am

@ TTT: Another brilliant bait. I love what you have done here! Thumbs up

I will be following this. Truly inspiring.

Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 12:21 am

Same lad, different bait...

The scheme continues - we are keeping the goats at the airport, and we need to fence them in. So the lad asks us (me and rootuser) how long the fences should be. Of course we don't know, so I ask him to talk to the airport manager:

lad wrote:

About the fences the height is 500cm long then the lenght will be 700cm

Hmmm.... Seems high enough, but a little short, maybe.

baiter wrote:

I have no idea what the hell he is talking about. I can understand a 5m high fence (500cm). But when he says 700cm for length, then I know he is smoking drugs.

He realizes he made a mistake and hastened to correct himself:

lad wrote:

sorry i made a mistake its is 5cm high and 10cm long sorry for that mistake.

Since this is the same lad responsible for the plans of this NGO center, I think we are going to see some very interesting developments.

Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 1:58 am

is this going to be like Spinal Tap and their polystyrene stonehenge that was 18" high instead of 18' ? Are we to see it inhabited by miniature dwarf AIDS patients? I do hope so.

Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 2:48 am

TtT, you're in a privileged group - you've been "Johnsoned"!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloody_Stupid_Johnson

Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 3:30 am

Let's see if he can be persuaded to create an entire design file for the building. Wiring diagrams, socket layouts, specs for protective devices, fault current calculations, earth bonding calculations, provisions for local earthing into dry ground, services bonding, structural steel bonding, backup power and failover circuits, uninterruptible supplies for servers and critical equipment and of course that old nightmare of comissioning new service heads and meters.

and none of this please

keep letting him get a bit more right each time he mails you back.

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