Agnes always gets the lads upset

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Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Agn3s Skinn3r drives the lads nuts. Here's some snippets between Agnes and Mrs. (who I call ) concerning the money I need to transfer to open an account before Ms. G dies (I am in red):

Quote:

Dear beloved,

May the peace of the Lord be upon you and your entire household, I received an email from the bank informing me that you are going to make payment for the activation of the dormant account. My beloved, please you are my last hope in this mission, and I thank you for your willingness

My nurse came across my husband Certificate of Death when she was trying to tidy up, so I decide to scan it to you, my husband was such a caring man. I am happy that I will meet him very soon and never to depart each other. Please my beloved, I want to do your best and have this fund transferred to you before my death, though it is painful to know that I will soon die but God has a reason for all deeds on earth.

Please I want you to try your best, I have scan my husband Certificate of Death to you. Below are charity organisations that I have since enlisted for the fund , you can as well add about four( 4 ) reputable charity organisations from your home city to this list. After substracting your 20% and expenses incurred from the fund, you are to divide the fund by the numbers of charity organisations, the fund must shared among them equally.

listing of charitable organizations and a really crappy death certificate make up the remaining of the email. Agnes responds, and is somewhat confused as the bank seems to want something called "pounds" to open the account:

Quote:

I don't understand what is happening Mrs. G. The bank wants me to send them pounds of something. I don't know what they mean or what it is they want. Are you sure this is the bank that we should be dealing with?

The lad gets upset rather easily, and when he does he goes to all caps.

Quote:

I MADE YOU TO UNDERSTAND EARLIER THAT THE ACCOUNT IS DORMANT AND MUST BE ACTIVATED BEFORE THIS TRANSACTION CAN BE SUCCESSFUL BUT IF YOU KNOW YOU CAN NOT DO THIS, PLEASE LET ME KNOW SO I CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

Quote:

I understand that but they keep wanting pounds of something but they won't say what they want. The just keep saying that they want pounds.

I don't understand.

He seems to have calmed down:

Quote:

Dear beloved,

How are you today? the bank ask you to activate the dormant account with 850 Pounds, in London the money they use is called Pounds, every countries with different names of currency, OK?
Please contact them and get back to me as fast as you can because I want this transaction finalised before my death.

Remain blessed

I still don't understand:

Quote:

I'm sorry my dear but I'm not very good with money. Are you saying
that in London they measure their money based on how much it weighs?
I know I sound like an idiot but this is very confusing to me. If I
went out to Lubys restaurant in London and the bill was $25 would I
give them money that weighed 25 pounds? I can't imagine having to
carry cash around that weighed so much.

Quote:

Mrs. G, I hope you are okay. I'm sorry for so many questions but I want to fully understand what it is you want me to do.

Now we're back to all caps:

Quote:

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND? YOU ARE MAKING THE WHOLE THING LOOK STUPID. PLEASE GO AND ACTIVATE THE DORMANT ACCOUNT, WITH THE DOLLARS EQUIVALENT OF 1,600 DOLLARS SINCE YOU CLAIM NOT TO KNOW WHAT IS POUNDS IN UK CURRENCY.

PLEASE DO NOT MAKE JEST OF ME FOR I AM NOT FINDING IT FUNNY.

Quote:

Mrs. G, you are sick so I understand why you are being mean, but I am not making jest of anything. I was born and raised in Silver Peak and have never traveled any further than Las Vegas and I do not understand finance and I do not like being called stupid.

Look, I know that you are dying and I am very sorry for that but there
is no reason to be mean to me. I have money but I don't have pounds,
and I do not know what UK is. The bank has not been helpful at all.

I will go talk to the bank today and see what I can do.

We're still in all caps:

Quote:

PLEASE SEND YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO THE BANK, SO THEY CAN CALL AND EXPLAIN TO YOU BETTER. PLEASE, FOR YOU ARE MY LAST HOPE IN THIS TRANSACTION

I tried a hunch on this one. In his original email he sent me two phone numbers for the "bank." I figured that they were fake, so I told him they didn't work.

Quote:

I tried calling the number that the bank gave me but the call would not go through because the phone company said it was a bad number. What is going on Mrs. G?

Quote:

PLEASE WRITE THEM VIA EMAIL THEN, YOU ARE DELAYING THIS TRANSACTION.PLEASE SEND ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

I'm really starting to hate this lad. He yells at me, I yell at him:

Quote:

MRS G

WHY CAN'T I GET THE BANK ON THE PHONE WITH THE PHONE NUMBER THEY GAVE ME? I DO NOT TRUST THIS BANK AND I SUGGEST THAT MAYBE WE SWITCH TO ANOTHER ONE. I AM NOT DELAYING THE TRANSACTION, THE BANK IS.

He's settled down a bit. I knew the first phone numbers he sent me were phony.

Quote:

Dear beloved,

The bank wrote me and sent me the below phone numbers, please do your best and get back to me.

TEL: +xxxxx or +xxxxx

I'm hoping to call him in my sweetest little old lady voice on Dan's show.

What to do now? Simple. It's off to LAS VEGAS!!!!!

Quote:

Hi Mrs. G! You won't believe where I am! I am in Las Vegas and
it is so exciting! This is my first time here and there are lights
everywhere! I'm here with my sewing club, the Buzy B33z, and we are
selling our hand made quilts on the street to raise money to send sick
kids to summer camp! Isn't that the bees knees!

I played the nickel slots at a casino and won $50!!!!! The lights
started going off and I got so excited that I spilled my Tab all over
the floor. The casino folks were very nice about it. I put the $50
in with the money to go to the sick kids. Well, I kept out $10 for
myself but it was my nickel that won the money so I thought that was
okay.

We should be back in Silver Peak this weekend and I will try and call
you then. Unless I win a bunch more money and buy a house here
hahahahahahah!

He's not very happy with me, but at least he's not yelling anymore:

Quote:

you are a fool, why toy with me, if you can not help, why not let me know.what is my bisiness with you playing casino. you are a bastard

I realize that she's sick, and isn't herself:

Quote:

Mrs. G, there is no need for that type of language. My sewing group is here to sell quilts and raise money for sick kids. I would
have finished helping you before I left town but the bank gave me a
phone number that didn't work. Do you understand that? The bank gave
me a bad phone number.

I thought you would be excited for me that I won fifty dollars and
gave most of it to the children. Mrs. G I think you are getting
sicker and it is making you meaner.

I told you I would call you when I get back in town this weekend. Why
did you call me a bastard?

Quote:

Hello Mrs. G. I hope you are feeling better today.

We will pack up and leave for home in a couple of days. We have sold
a lot of quilts and have made a lot of money for the kids. It has
been fun being in Las Vegas! I don't think this town ever sleeps!

Last night I played the nickel slots but didn't win anything. Sylvia
W played the quarter slots and lost $40!!!!!!!!!!!! I kept
telling her that she had better stop but I think she got the gambling
fever!!!! I can see how they can build all of these hotels with
people like Sylvia coming around!!!!!!

We ate at a Country Inn breakfast buffet this morning and I think
we're going to Lubys for lunch. This is such a big place. I think I
saw three Perkins restaurants!!! I don't see how they all make it!

We should be back home on Sunday and I will give you a call so we can
sort this whole thing out. I'm sorry it has taken so long Mrs. G
but I want to make sure I do this right and the bank has been very
confusing and not very helpful.

So will I get a yelling email or a dear beloved email next? Agnes Sk1nner is by far my favorite baiting character.

Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:36 pm

i love it

Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:41 pm

It looks like you are having great fun with Agnes. She is obviously naive enough to be scammed, but also too naive to understand any and all modalities.

The mugu gives the impression that he has been baited before and he doesn't like it.

Master Baiter Joined: 05 May 2008 Posts: 104

She certainly made me laugh a goodly number of times in that short exchange. Hope she calls him up on the show Very Happy

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Update (red is me):

Quote:

Hello Mrs. G

I'm sorry, but we are not back in Silver Peak yet. We are still in
Vegas. We were going to come back last weekend but our quilt sale
only brough in $2,200 so we decided to stay an extra week. I'm very
sorry, but we are coming back this weekend for sure.

Sylvia W1ckers still has the gambling fever. Last night she lost $10
on the nickel slots. I think we need to keep her from the casinos as
she is losing money right and left. So far she is down $85 on the
trip! It's really sad.

We're off to Dennys for breakfast then we're going somewhere called
the Mirage and trying to sell some more quilts. We really need that
money to help the sick kids and send them to camps.

I hope you are felling better. Don't worry as I will send you the
money when I get back.

No response from him, so I send him a quick reminder:

Quote:

Mrs. G, are you still alive? Why don't you answer me?

I finally get an answer. I don't think he is very happy with me.

Quote:

PLEASE DO NOT ALOW ME PLACE A CURSE ON YOU, BECAUSE ANYTHING I SAY IT SHALL BE SO IN YOUR LIFE, SINCE YOU DO NOT WANT TO CONTACT THE BANK AND DO NOT WANT TO HELP ME, WHY NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.
I ASK YOU TO SEND ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER BUT YOU DID NOT, I GAVE YOU THE BANK PHONE NUMBER, YOU DID NOT CALL THEM.WHAT DO YOU WANT? BECAREFUL, DO NOT ALLOW ME PLACE A CURSE ON YOU.

Doesn't he understand that I am in Vegas?

Quote:

Mrs. G, I want to talk to your doctor. You are getting meaner and meaner and I know that is the sickness talking. They need to up your medication because nobody should be in that much pain and be that mean right before they die.

I told you that I was coming to Las Vegas with my sewing club to sell
our quilts to raise money for needy kids. I told you this. I'm sorry
we took an extra week but we still had a lot of quilts to sell and we
needed to raise more money. I want to to help you but the kids depend
on me as well. we are definitely coming home this weekend.

We sold quite a few quilts in front of the Mirage Hotel until the
hotel manager came out and told us if we didn't move we would get
arrested. He was very angry with us. So we moved somewhere else.

So far we have sold over $10,000 worth of quilts! Isn't that
exciting! We can send 200 sick kids to camp now! I'm so proud of
everyone.

I think we're going to try and sell some more today and then head home
Saturday. Before we go home I think we're going to try and see some
of the sights. We were told about a place called a "Bunny Ranch" that
seems like it could be fun. I've never heard of a ranch for bunnies,
so we're going to go by and take a look. I hope it's not one of those
tourist trap things hahahahahah!!

Mrs. G, I gave my phone number to the bank and they have not
called. I do not have a cell phone so I cannot call you until I get
home. What is up with this bank? I will call you on the number you
gave me just as soon as I get home, I promise.

I hope you are feeling better, and please give me the email address
and phone number of your doctor so I can talk to him. I am very
concerned about you.

I have GOT to call this lad on Dan's show. I can hardly wait for Agnes to tell him about her experience at the "Bunny Ranch."

Not quite a Newb Joined: 19 Jun 2008 Posts: 46

Agnes at the Bunny Ranch, that's hilarious!

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jan 2007 Posts: 2922

Nice work Jayhawk. Very Happy

Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:59 pm

cantankerous old biddy FTW

Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:28 pm

I love it!!! The BBSC modality was one of the best ever. I use it often now. LOL

Keep up - I want to hear about the bunny ranch. LMAO. OMG that's so funny.

Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:33 pm

Quote:

Are you saying
that in London they measure their money based on how much it weighs?

Man Jay, you really have an imagination. This is just plain hilarious!

Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:32 pm

Do they line up the "bunnies" at the ranch if you ring the bell only once? Seems like this lad never had to work in customer service.

Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:26 pm

I had an idea JJ - - what if sylvia saw the girl out on the street selling her hommade spices. And what if sylvia bought a ziplock bag of the spices to try in her brownies or something - and what if the police arrested sylvia for buying the spices? Sylvia could have a bad time in LV and you guys may have to spend your hard earned money to hire a lawyer and get sylvia out of jail.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

I like the idea, but I think some of the money will have to go to bailing the ladies out of jail after their trip to the Bunny Ranch. It's not going to end well for the ladies.

** Retired ** Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 750 Location: Air

Long Live 8gnes !!!!

This thread is a hoot ! Fantastic character JH, Im creased with laughter at every exchange Laughing

Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:16 am

Agnes is teh awesome. Smile

Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:53 pm

That Sylvia, always getting the into trouble.

Did Ethel get to make the trip too? Laughing

I love the BBSC going to Vegas. That phone call should be great, Agnes Wink

I also love how the lad lost the "sweet, dying woman" character pretty early and started to write in angry all caps, but still kept on trying to scam Agnes Laughing

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Agnes emails Mrs. G about her adventures at the Bunny Ranch.

For those of you that don't know, in certain parts of Nevada prostitution is legal, and there are, for want of a better word, "whorehouses" set up. The Bunny Ranch is one of these. With apologies to the Catholic Church, here's what Agnes Sent to Mrs. G:

Quote:

Mrs. G

How are you today! I hope you are feeling better. You have been pretty mean lately, and while I know that it’s because you are sick and dying it still makes me feel bad.

We are heading home today after spending the night in jail. How did that happen you may wonder? Well, I’ll tell you.

I told you that we were planning to stop by a place called the “Bunny Ranch” before we left and take some pictures of the bunnies to show the children back home. When we pulled up to the Bunny Ranch I thought we would see some bunny rabbits outside, but there were none to be found. So we went inside to ask.

I guess the Bunny Ranch is also a hotel, and we must have arrived at Happy Hour because there were lots of people down in the lobby drinking and talking. And let me tell you that some of the outfits these people were wearing wouldn’t cut the mustard back home in Silver Peak, I can promise you that.

Sylv1a W1ckers went up to ask the person running the front desk where the bunnies were while Ethel Sm1th and I started to walk around some. We had never seen a hotel that had bunnies so we were curious. Well, Ethel and I overheard someone telling a lady that we assumed was the head housecleaner that rooms 4,5 and 8 needed clean linen and bedspreads, and the head housekeeper said that they were out and the rooms would just have to make do. Naturally this attracted the attention of both myself and Ethel, as we still had lots of quilts out in the van, and everyone knows that quilts are much more attractive and look a whole lot better than bedspreads. So Ethel and I ran out to the van to get some of our quilts to show them and see if we could make another sale!

When we got back inside the Bunny Ranch our entire group was gone, and the head housekeeper was nowhere to be seen. So Ethel and I decided to go upstairs and see if we could find her. Our quilts are of a really good quality, and if they were out of bedspreads we just knew we could sell quite a few quilts to them.

We remembered that she said room 4 needed bedspreads and linen, so we decided to see if that was where the head housekeeper went to. We opened the door to room 4, and you won’t believe what we saw! There, bent over the bed, naked as a jailbird was our own Father Maxi, the priest from the Lady of Perpetual Suffering Church back home in Silver Peak. Not only was Father Maxi naked as the day he was born, but he was handcuffed to the bed, and he was being spanked by two nuns. We knew they were nuns because they were wearing nun habits, but not the full habits! No, these nuns were just wearing the headgear, and nothing else! They were naked as well, and they kept spanking Father Maxi, and saying “You’ve been a bad boy, haven’t you Father Maxi”, and Father Maxi just kept saying “Yes, punish me sister” over and over.

Ethel and I just stood there, not knowing what to do, when suddenly Father Maxi looked over and saw us. Ethel kinda whispered “Hi Father Maxi”, and Father Maxi got a real worried look on his face and screamed “Get those bitches out of here!”.

Ethel and I knew what we had to do, and we said “Don’t worry Father Maxi, we’ll get rid of them for you.” Mrs. G, I was raised that it isn’t proper to hit a nun, but to be honest these nuns weren’t from anywhere I knew of. Maybe they were from Los Angeles, but in Nevada our nuns aren’t naked and spanking the priest. So Ethel up and whacked one of the nuns upside the head and knocked her out cold. (Ethel always carries a heavy purse). By this time the other nun had gathered her wits about her and started heading towards Ethel, but I jumped on top of the nun and wrapped my quilt around her head. It was a New York quilt, with pictures of the Statue of Liberty on it, and I felt bad about using that quilt but what was I to do? With me holding the quilt around the nuns head Ethel starting whacking away at the nun with her purse. Ethel swings a mean purse, let me tell you. While this was going on we yelled “Run away Father Maxi”, but of course Father Maxi couldn’t run away as he was still handcuffed to the bed.

This nun was a tough bird and it took Ethel quite a few whacks with her purse before she was knocked out. While Ethel was whomping on the nun Father Maxi started crying, and saying things like “I’m a sinner” and “Oh no, oh no.” I tried to tell Father Maxi that it wasn’t his fault, it was the fault of the nuns, but I don’t think Father Maxi heard me, as he started crying louder and saying that he was going to Hell. Then Father Maxi really lost it, and started yelling “I will spend eternity in Hell Fire! Hell Fire!” but the part that came through the loudest was “Fire”, and suddenly everyone in the hall started yelling “Fire! Fire!” and we opened the door and there were all of these naked people running down the stairs, all yelling “Fire” and Father Maxi just kept yelling “Fire! Fire!” louder and louder.

We tried to calm the people down and tell them that it was just some bad nuns but they wouldn’t listen. At this point everyone was yelling “Fire” and trying to grab whatever clothes they could. Ethel had found the keys to Father Maxis handcuffs and just as we got him from the bed a very large man named Leroy grabbed us and told us we were in big time trouble.

I don’t know why the police arrested me and Ethel instead of those nuns, but they did and we spent the night in jail. They even took our picture at the police station. Ethel asked if they could mail her a copy, cause Ethel usually takes really bad pictures but this one was pretty good.

The bad news is that it cost us $5,000 to bail both Ethel and myself out of jail. The good news is that the Bunny Ranch said that they wouldn’t press charges as long as we agreed to never again come within 100 miles of the place. We didn’t get to see the bunnies, and we didn’t even get our quilts back. We tried to explain to the police officer what these two nuns were doing to Father Maxi, and that he should be out trying to find the nuns instead of arresting us, but he just kept laughing.

Ethel and I spent the night in jail, and it’s not fun like the movie “Ernest Goes To Jail.” My back is really hurting bad because of the mattress, and the blanket was very thin and I was cold all night. Normally Ethel and I would try and sell them one of our quilts, but in this case we thought the best of it.

We are heading home today and should be back late tonight. I promise I will call you in the morning. I just wanted to stop by the library and send you an email so that you would know what happened and so that you wouldn’t worry about me.

I promise I will call you tomorrow Mrs. Grunt and we will get everything taken care of. In the meantime please don’t die on me.

Agnes

Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 10:29 pm

I love it!

Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 10:45 pm

That was great Laughing

Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:39 pm

Oh, those poor sewing group ladies!

Smile

Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:19 am

Quote:

PLEASE DO NOT ALOW ME PLACE A CURSE ON YOU

OMG its one of those spiritual lads. Whats his email? Ive got a few curses of my own to try out and I want to see how he responds.

Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:50 am

Quote:

It was a New York quilt, with pictures of the Statue of Liberty on it, and I felt bad about using that quilt but what was I to do?

Very funny stuff! clapping

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

The number he gave to Agnes was a forwarded number, and a number Skypes is unable to call. That's why there was no call Sunday on Dan's show.

Agnes is in red

Quote:

Mrs. G, what is going on? I tried to call you on the phone number
that you gave me and it wouldn't go through. I just got a recording
saying that I cannot call something called a forwarding number!!!

Mrs. G, are you playing games with me? I want the phone number of
your doctor, and it needs to be a real phone number not the phony
phone numbers that I have been calling! I had a very bad week Mrs.
G and these games are not making it any better. Please give me a
phone number that works!!!!

Quote:

Mrs. G I want an answer. Why is it that the phone numbers I keep getting won't work?

Quote:

WHICH PHONE NUMBERS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

He yells at me, I yell at him. Agnes has not had a good week, and is not in the mood to play around.

Quote:

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE PHONE NUMBERS THAT YOU GAVE ME!! I TRY TO DIAL THEM AND I GET A MESSAGE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT BEING UNABLE TO COMPLETE A CALL TO A FORWARDED NUMBER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!! I HAVE
HAD A VERY DIFFICULT WEEK MRS. GRUNT AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WON'T GIVE ME A PHONE NUMBER THAT ACTUALLY WORKS!!!!

Agnes is also in the process of driving the assassin crazy. After sending him all of her money he wants a copy of the receipt. He of course says that he can't collect the money without it (a load of bs that the lads always use). Unfortunately Agnes sent him ALL of her money, and doesn't have enough money for a courier service. The Courier Service takes credit cards, but Agnes doesn't have a credit card. If the assassin can provide me with a credit card number ....

Eventually we will have exhausted every option and I'll mail him a copy of the receipt. I just hope I don't get confused and send him a flyer for our upcoming quilting bee instead.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

After several angry emails from Agnes I finally got the email address of the "doctor." We've gone back and forth a few times, and today I got this one:

Quote:

I see you as someone who does know what he doing, you are mad or somthing. She gave you a transaction and you can not handle it but instead you are after her health. Are aware that she has cancer with a short life span on earth, so why can't you carry out her mission instead of behaving stupid and funny.

Please for the last time, if you can not help do not bother to write me again. I beg you in the of God, do not write me again.

This guy cracks me up. Nothing left to do I guess but have Agnes send the money. She'll send it to that nice man in Chad that sent her the email.

Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:33 am

I've only just come in on this thread, and I think it's fantastic. You've cleared out my sinuses amazingly (you really don't want to see my keyboard, though) as I read through the Bunny Ranch episode.

There is just so much creative talent in this group - who needs comedy on TV when there is this sort of thing available which is so much more inventive and funny?

Agnes should definitely have her own show - or diary - she's a wonderful character, and needs to be developed.

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