The Dane Curse

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Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:32 pm

This was one of my earliest baits, and probably shows how much of a noob I was. It includes burning the Lads - something I wouldn't do now.

Note also that this is an early model Eliza Dane - placid and good-tempered. She would later change into the petulant and foul-mouthed Odin-worshipper that I think most readers prefer.

Comments are in bold. Most opening and closing phrases have been deleted.

Our Lads are�

Ola Jacobs, Barrister, of OLA JACOBS LAW FIRM AND ASSOCIATES
Tope Oluwadeji (Ms), at Union Bank � later transforms into a Mr., without explanation
Tessy Elegon (Mrs), Head of Legal Department, Union Bank of Nigeria

Versus

Eliza Dane, a 22-year-old agricultural student resident in Sydney, Australia; her name was derived from the Kylie Minogue/Nick Cave duet �They Call Me the Wild Rose�.

Title appropriated from Dashiell Hammett.
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Our story begins with what looks like the second in a series.
Hmm, a nameless man has died, and I am entitled to some of his hard-earned.
Love the motto, don�t you?
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12 October 2005
OLA JACOBS LAW FIRM AND ASSOCIATES
No. 19 Allen Street.
Ikeja,Lagos Nigeria.
Mail Address: [email protected]
Phone number:+234 8054229306
Motto: Equity and Justice
For your attention.
Sequel to your non response to our earlier Mail to you on behalf of the trustees and Executors to the Will of our late client. I wish to notify you that you were listed as a beneficiary to the total sum of 2,600,000.00GBP (Two million six hundred thousand british pounds) in the codicil and last testament of the deceased.
Until his death he was a major shareholder in big companies which included textile and construction companies here in Africa and dubai. He was a great philanthropist during his life time.He died on 9th January 2004 at the age of 68.He was buried on the 3rd of February.Even though he was a foreigner living and working here, he requested before his death that he be buried here in his words,"I regard here as My home and the people as my people".
We therefore reckoned that you can receive this funds as you are qualified by your name and identity.All the legal papers will be processed on your response.In your acceptance of this deal, we request that you kindly forward any proof of identities of yours, your current telephone and fax numbers and forwarding address to enable us file necessary documents at our high court probate division for the release of this sum of money.
Barr.Ola Jacobs Esq.
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It�s a fairly standard Dead Bank Customer letter � though for a change, he seems to have died of natural causes. Maybe they resealed the Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.
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Despite your comment about my "non reponse to [your] earlier email", I in fact did not receive any emails from you before this one. I would like you to restate what you said in that earlier message.
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Ah, the nameless man who died now has a name.
Oh, and M. Jacobs now wants the usual basic info
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18 October 2005
Thank you for your email concerning the inheritance and for your response to my email of mutual benefit,I have contacted you hoping that you are willing to assist in claiming the said funds from the bank were it is lodged/deposited.My name is Barr.Ola Jacobs. My late client Mr.Michael S. Dane.did not leave any record of his relatives, his last "WILL" gives me the power to nominate a beneficiary for this sum by codicil.
So I have contacted you because you bear the same surname as the testator and will be easier to present you rather than loose this amount, I will be preparing my client (LAST WILL TESTAMENT) with your name on it,so please see this informations below:
FULL NAME:
ADDRESS:
OCCUPATION:
DIRECT PHONE LINE NUMBER:
Once I`m done with this,you will hear from the Bank .Till I hear from you.
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Time passes. Eliza is worried.
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It's been over a week since your last message.
Have you given up on me?
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Barrister Jacobs sends a supposedly official but badly-spelled application form. Actually he was so proud of his handiwork that he sent it twice.
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02 November 2005
Compliment of the day to you, I have received your mail and am sorry for not write you all this while as I lost my father-in-law in a plane crash that happen here In Nigeria few weeks back. I have been in a state of depressed over the death of my father-in-law.
Please send this APPLICATION FOR RELEASE/TRANSFER to the Bank with required Personal and Banking information in the next 24hours or precisely today Also I have sent the bank some Documents and File containing your names and acknowledging you as the next of kin to my late client Mr.Michael S.Dane;this morning. Thanks Once again for agreeing to help make the transfer of the money a success.
Moreso, Feel free to ask me any question that you may/might be confront with. Please do endeavour to send the Application Form to the Bank as I have attached a copy of the Application Form therein my mail. I await your swift response as soon as you hear from the Bank.
--------------------------------------------
GENERAL MANAGER UNION BANK NIGERIA PLC
DEAR SIR,
APPLICATION FOR RELEASE/TRANSFER OF BALANCE ON ACCOUNT NO: B6012503 (LATE MR.MICHAEL S. DANE TO MY ACCOUNT. I HEREBY APPLY FOR THE RELEASE AND TRANSFER OF THE BALANCE ON THE ABOVE NAMED ACCOUNT.
I AM........ ............................................. THE NEXT OF KIN TO LATE MR.MICHAEL S. DANE WHO DIED SOME MONTHS AGO AFTER A BREIF ILLNESS.
THIS CLAIM IS BELATED BECAUSE THE DECEASED�S WILL WAS ONLY EXECUTED A WEEK AGO DUE TO SOME PROCESSES WE HAD TO UNDERGO. THE WILL REVEALED THE DECEASED HAD SOME BALANCE ON HIS ACCOUNT WITH YOUR BANK (ACCOUNT NO: B6012503) BY COPY OF THIS LETTER THE FUND IN THE STATED ACCOUNT TO THE TUNE OF 2,600,000.00 GREAT BRITHISH POUNDS SHOULD BE TRANSFERRED TO MY ACCOUNT.
BELOW IS MY BANKS/PEROSNAL DETAILS FOR THE TRANSFER:
NAME IN FULL:
CONTACT ADDRESS:
TEL:
FAX: --
EMAIL:
OCCUPATION:
ACCOUNT INFORMATIONS:
BANK:
ACCOUNT NUMBER:
ACCOUNT NAME:
ROUTING NUMBER:
BANK TEL/FAX NUMBER:
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Next day, the Bank enters the fray. By the way, note the date on the header.
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03 November 2005
UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC.
90 marina way, Victoria Island Lagos.
Tel :234 8056347485
Mr.Kola Babalola
Date:02/10/2005.
ATT:Eliza Dane,
We just received a fax from Barrister Ola Jacobs(Esq); that you are the NEXT OF KIN to our
late amiable customer Mr MICHAEL S.DANE; who died last year. We await your application for "Release and Transfer" to enble us transfer the money to your account.
Moreso, We are sorry for the untimely death of your relation and we do hope you accept our sympathy.
Sincerely,
Tope Oluwadeji(Ms)
For Kola Babalola (MR)
CC:GENERAL MANAGER (U.B.N plc)
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CONFIDENTAIL FROM UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC.
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended Solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. Dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail or the information herein by anyone other than the intended recipient, or an employee or agent Responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, is Prohibited.
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I don�t know why I did this � could have ended the whole thing
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There must be some mistake � I have (or had) no relative of that name.
Thank you for reading.
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03 November 2005
How are you today
Have you heard from the bank or have you sent the application to the bank
Please update me on how far you gone.
Hope to hear from you soonest.
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Damn it � it�s still on. Quick, stall him!
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Which bank? What application?
I haven't heard anything from you or anyone else on this whole business.
I thought you'd given up.
What happened?
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04 November 2005
Did you not received my mail, which I sent you two day back.
In my mail I told you that I lost my father-in-law in a plane crash here in Nigeria and since I have not been able to access my mail box.
your mail sound infuriating to me, but I sent you the application form and also I sent the bank, UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC a fax message few day back acknowledging you to the bank as the next of kin to my late client.
I want you to let me know if you are serious about the transaction and I didn"t gie up on before it was what happened to my father-in-law.
Hope to hear from you soonest.
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I'm sorry if you suffered a personal loss, but I got no application form from you. This is the first I heard since your original message. I assumed it had gone no further.
I did get a message from the Union Bank of Nigeria about being the Next of Kin of Michael Dane but I told them there must have been some mistake.
That wasn't the right thing, was it?
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05 November 2005
Thanks, I had received your mail and the content was well understood.
Well, The bank ( Union Bank of Nigeria Plc) contacted you in respect of the fax Message which I sent them acknowledging you as the next of kin to my late client Mr. Michael S. Dane and I thought you received the Application Form as I sent it on the 1st of November.
I want you to know that I really want you to help me and I believe as soon as the bank transfer the money (2.6 Million Pounds) to your account, All I want from the money his 40% and the remaining 60% will be yours and I intend to invest my 40% in a lucrative business venture in your country. I intend also to travel down to your country as soon as the funds has been transfered to your account.
I want you to know that I am a God fearing man, I have been in the law industry here in Nigeria for 12yrs now. Am married with 3 Kids, my wife is a Doctor.
Once again I have attached a copy of the Application Form therein in my mail and I want you to send it to the bank within the next 24hours, more so I want you to know you have to be fast as if not for the death of my wife father,by now the funds must have been transfer by the bank to your account. Hope to hear from you as soon as you send the application form to the bank( UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLS)
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Given that I replied to the bank thus - Dear Sir, There must be some mistake � I have (or had) no relative of that name. Thank you for reading. Yours Sincerely, Eliza Dane - would they believe me if I wrote to them now and said (in effect), "I made a mistake, I do have a relative of that name, I had no idea he was dead"?
Side note; do banks over there require details of how someone died before they release funds ("...DIED SOME MONTHS AGO AFTER A BREIF ILLNESS")?
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Barrister Jacobs now wants an answer to a question he hadn�t asked. Later he will get quite insistent on this point� He also reads too much into the point I made about the mention of how �Michael S. Dane� died. Fine by me � it gives Eliza a stick to beat him with later.
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07 November 2005
I have received your mail and also the mail you sent to the bank.
Well,I think the bank will accept your request and in effect to it I will again send the bank another fax message that it was a mistake on your path.
Moreso, you infer that if Banks here require details on how someone die. No they dont ask such questions before they release or transfer funds and also I want you to know that you can easily sue banks here to the law court, if they breach or fail to meet your demands. this can be done through the CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.which is the apex bank of Nigeria.
You fail to answer my question about your marital status in your mail. I had ask you in my mail;if you are married or still single?
Please send the application form to the bank again and tell them it was a mistake. we need not waste time as we need urgency now as far as the transaction is concerned.
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Well, I hope that you're right, or we'll all have been wasting our time...
I won't be able to send the form today as I don't have the banking details on hand. I mentioned the point about the manner of death because it was on the form that you supplied. Is it OK if I just leave it as "LATE MR.MICHAEL S. DANE" and cut out the words immediately thereafter? With regards to the question of if I'm married or single, you never asked that before. Why do you wish to know?
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Barrister Jacobs still wants to know if Eliza is married or single� and he wants Eliza�s phone number! He can�t have that!
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08 November 2005
I Have received your and the content therein is ok.
Moreso, you can use the word "LATE MR.MICHAEL S. DANE" as you as you have requested and I hope you will be able to get the banking details on time and send the Form to the Bank tomorrow so that they can start processing of the transfer and I believe within the next fews day the bank will transfer the funds to your nominated account.
Curiously, I asked if you are married to know your marital status and what do surmise regarding the question? Least I forget kindly provide me with your telephone number.
Hope to hear from you as soon as you mail the application form to the bank tomorrow.
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Bring on the Jealous Boyfriend.
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I'm glad I can get rid of that daft sentence � like I said, why does any bank need to know those details? I wasn't complaining about your question about my being married or single (if that's what you meant, that "what do surmise regarding the question" phrase has me a tad puzzled) � what threw me was the fact that you claimed to have asked me before when you hadn't. Then I realised that you hadn't asked a single question about me and what I do. That's amazingly incurious of you.
This segues neatly to an answer of sorts � I'd rather that you didn't have my phone number, at least for now. My boyfriend Nick, whom I hope to marry someday, is extremely possessive (his only real fault) and were I to receive calls from a strange man, it would upset him greatly.
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Now Barrister Jacobs has missed the point completely� what a gift.
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08 November 2005
I have received your mail. please I am rather becoming boring about you, please consult my earlier mail which I sent to you and you will see where I asked the question of your marital status and please if you know that you can"t carry on with the transaction kindly let me know.
Pertaining to your question "why does any bank need to know those details?" how will a bank transfer money to another account without having the account information, will it be possible?
if you know you can"t give out your account details, why not mail the bank that you will prefer they transfer the funds to you via courier service.
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Eliza gives Barrister Jacobs a serve. In light of later events, he took it rather calmly.
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It could be that you asked about my marital status in the first email you sent, which I didn't receive.
The first one I actually received began, "Sequel to your non response to our earlier Mail to you on behalf of the trustees and Executors to the Will of our late client..." Since there wasn't an earlier email as far as I knew, I replied, "Despite your comment about my "non reponse to [your] earlier email", I in fact did not receive any emails from you before this one". So if you asked all about me in the first one you sent � which I didn't receive - now you know why I didn't tell you all that. Because, as far as I knew, you didn't ask!
Anyway, since I wrote in my last message, "My boyfriend Nick, whom I hope to marry someday..." which should have make it absolutely clear.
Finally � what made you think I was getting cold feet about the deal?
You really know how to diss your clients, don't you? It should have been blindingly obvious to anyone with even half a brain that when I wrote "why does any bank need to know those details?" I was referring to the pointless detail about how Michael Dane died! Geez, I know that transferring money between banks means supplying account info! Just like the info I supplied to the Union Bank yesterday!
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The Bank returns to the fray. They must have fixed their computer�s date settings. Now for some details� and a clue; let�s see if they spot the 419. The phone numbers are useless (I checked) and there is no Westmoreland Grove in Glebe.
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09 November 2005.
UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC
90 marina way, Victoria Island Lagos
Tel: 234 8054172095
Mr.
ATTN: ,
***VERIFICATION PROCESS***
This is (Union Bank Of Nigeria Plc). This is to ackonwledge the receipt of your mail as well as your personal and banking information for the transfer of your late relation funds(2.6 million pounds) to your account and a copy of the WILL of your late relation( Mr. Micheal S.Dane) which declares you as the beneficiary of the funds from Barrister.Ola Jacobs (Esq).
you are advice to liaise with Account/Remittance the department to enable us release the said amount into your account.also provide for us the answers to these questions:
1.WHAT WAS LATE MR MICHEAL`S MOTHER'S NAME?
2.HOW OLD WAS MR MICHEAL`S THE YEAR HE DIED?
3.WHAT WAS HIS ATTORNEYS NAME?
4.WHEN DID HE MAKE THE DEPOSIT WITH THE BANK?
You are advice to provide us with a scan copy of your international passport or any form of Identification for verification process.Please note, if you cannot answer the questions correctly we will not be able to process your file, we will not be held liable for any delay or mistakes made by you. Send answers to the accounts department ([email protected]),and also a copy for immediate reconciliation to effect the transfer of your funds.
Thanks for your anticipated co-operation, please accept our sincere sympathy on the demise of your relation. We would not be held liable for any Erroneous payments.
Sincerely,
(Ms)
For (MR)
CC: GENERAL MANAGER (U.B.N plc)
CC: ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT (U.B.N plc)
CC: INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE (CBN)
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CONFIDENTAIL FROM UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC.
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended Solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. Dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail or the information herein by anyone other than the intended recipient, or an employee or agent Responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, is Prohibited.
GENERAL MANAGER UNION BANK NIGERIA PLC
TEL: +2348052433778 EMAIL:[email protected]
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DEAR SIR,
APPLICATION FOR RELEASE/TRANSFER OF BALANCE ON ACCOUNT NO: B6012503 (LATE MR.MICHAEL S. DANE TO MY ACCOUNT. I HEREBY APPLY FOR THE RELEASE AND TRANSFER OF THE BALANCE ON THE ABOVE NAMED ACCOUNT.
I AM..MS ELIZA DANE, THE NEXT OF KIN TO LATE MR.MICHAEL S. DANE. THIS CLAIM IS BELATED BECAUSE THE DECEASED�S WILL WAS ONLY EXECUTED A WEEK AGO DUE TO SOME PROCESSES WE HAD TO UNDERGO. THE WILL REVEALED THE DECEASED HAD SOME BALANCE ON HIS ACCOUNT WITH YOUR BANK (ACCOUNT NO: B6012503) BY COPY OF THIS LETTER THE FUND IN THE STATED ACCOUNT TO THE TUNE OF 2,600,000.00 GREAT BRITHISH POUNDS SHOULD BE TRANSFERRED TO MY ACCOUNT.
BELOW IS MY BANKS/PEROSNAL DETAILS FOR THE TRANSFER:
NAME IN FULL:
CONTACT ADDRESS: 35 Westmoreland Grove, Glebe
TEL: (02) 9649 3589
FAX: --
EMAIL: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
OCCUPATION: Student
ACCOUNT INFORMATIONS:
BANK: Westpac Bank
ACCOUNT NUMBER: G641 937 419
ACCOUNT NAME: Ms
ROUTING NUMBER: 33 007 457 141
BANK TEL/FAX NUMBER: (02) 9419 7681/(02) 9419 7516
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Another mistake here � he actually asked for 40% in the second message.
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Here's the latest from the Union Bank. Happy now?
Do you have the answers for questions 1, 2, and 4?
By the way � exactly what are you getting out of this? I looked back over your messages and I can't find any mention of a fee or cut or anything. Maybe it was in the first message I didn't get...
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Well, he forgot the percentage as well. That�s a relief.
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10 November 2005
I just received your mail and also the forwarded mail from the bank and am glad they have accepted your mail.
Well, you asked in your mail "what are you getting out of this? I looked back over your messages and I can't find any mention of a fee or cut or anything" I want you to know that I am not a greedy lawyer,all I want is whatever part of the money you are willing to give me after the bank has transfer the money to your account and If you give me 20% of the money I will accept it and I want you to know also that I am going to invest my share of the money in any lucrative business venture in your country. hope you will not blackmail me?
More so, pertaining to the question the bank has asked you, now Below are the answers to the questions:
1.WHAT WAS LATE MR MICHEAL`S MOTHER'S NAME?...........Mrs.Felicia Humpheries
2.HOW OLD WAS MR MICHEAL`S THE YEAR HE DIED?............68yrs old
3.WHAT WAS HIS ATTORNEYS NAME?.......................... Barrister Ola Jacobs Esq.
4.WHEN DID HE MAKE THE DEPOSIT WITH THE BANK?...........26th April,2000.
These are the correct answers to the questions which you should send it to the bank as soon as possible.
Hope to hear from you soonest.
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Time to take a chance� let�s see if they react to the wrong information.
After all, they did say that wrong answers would prevent the processing of my file�
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Here are the answers to your questions:
1.WHAT WAS LATE MR MICHEAL`S MOTHER'S NAME? Mrs. Felicity Humphrey
2.HOW OLD WAS MR MICHEAL`S THE YEAR HE DIED? 69 yrs old
3.WHAT WAS HIS ATTORNEYS NAME? Barrister Ola Jacobs Esq.
4.WHEN DID HE MAKE THE DEPOSIT WITH THE BANK? 25th April, 2001.
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Well, it seems that Nigerian banks don�t actually care what the answer is so long as you provide one. ===============================================
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail as well as the answers to the verification process question and the answers you provided are the same with the one on our file/record which your late relation used in opening the account with us. Hence the answers are correct. More so, we await your your I. D. and birth certificate or any other form of Identification for future reference.
Your funds are now been processed under the Nigeria constitution of 1999 section 4 subsection 18 and also with the Nigeria banking laws of 1979 Act.
However, You are to contact our LEGAL DEPARTMENT for the procurement of a LETTER OF PROBATE and RELEASE ORDER from the the federal ministry of Justice and the federal ministry of Finance as this two documents will enable us transfer your funds to your nominated account without any further delay. Our legal department is to assist you in procurement of these two vital documents from the federal ministry of justice and ministry of finance and you have to contact our legal department ([email protected]) within the next 24 hours or today.
As soon as you are able to procure the probate letter and the release order from our legal department, your funds will be transfer to your nominated account within the next 3 working days.
Please note that we do not have right to deduct from your funds as we are operating under a strong and secure banking laws governed by the CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. ===============================================
11 November 2005
HEAD OF LEGAL DEPARTMENT
LEGAL DEPARTMENT,
UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC
90 marina way, Victoria Island Lagos
Tell: 234 1 0833015712
Mrs.Tessy Elegon
Attn:Elizabeth Dane,
This is the legal department arm of the UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC and your File has been forwrded to us from our account department that our office is to assist you in getting a PROBATE LETTER from the Federal High Court as well as getting a Fund release order from the Ministry Of
Finance as a standing evidence to effect the transfer of Your late relations fund to your account.and also we have received your mail.
Our office demands next 2 hours for internal verifications. And if we are satisfied with this, we will communicate with you on how and the legal process will be accomplished.We will also be sending a staff now to the Federal High Court and the Ministry Of Finance to know what the cost will be. We will get back to you in the next 2 hours.
Sincerely,
Mrs.Tessy Elegon
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And here�s the first request for money. Western Union, too, not that anyone would be surprised by that�
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11 November 2005
***PROCESSING FEE***
We are satisfied with the internal verification and It will take us one(1)working day to procure the probate letter and release order from the federal ministry of Justice and ministry of Finance.It has been brought to the desk of the registrar incharge of probate division and also the head of currency operation;federal minsitry of finance. We had also find out how much it will cost for the procurement of the probate letter and release order from the two afformentioned ministries.
You are to pay the sum of $700 (SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS) to our account department as this money his meant for the procurement of these two vital documents. The money should be wired via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER to our account department within the next 48hours with the following information:
ACCOUNT OFFICER:Mr.Onaghise Smith
COUNTRY NAME:Nigeria
TEXT QUESTION:year
TEXT ANSWER:2005
COUNTRY CODE:234(If applicable).
You are to send your payment confirmation via email to our account department for
verification([email protected]).
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I don�t know why I sent this.
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The cheese is in place, BUT - the mouse is not biting.
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Fortunately Barrister Jacobs is too fixated on the $700� I wonder why the Lad brought in a sick daughter?
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12 November 2005
Compliment of the day to you. I have received your mail,But the content therein is not well understood. More so, I learnt from the mail from the legal department that they will be able to get the required documents in one working day and that you are to pay the sum of $700. I want you to know that the letter of probate and release order will enable the bank transfer the funds to your account as an evidence. the letter of probate and release order are very important documents.
Please I want you to explain what you mean by the word "The cheese is in place, BUT - the mouse is not biting." or is it an idiom? please clarify.
I will advice that you comply with the directives of the legal department of the bank and go ahead and make the payment to them to enable them get the douments;so that they can transfer the funds to your account. we done have to waste time as far as this transfer is concerned. it is for our benefit.
Today is Saturday here and I am at home; my eldest daughter is sick and I will be wait to hear from you now. How is your health? and your boyfriend hope he is in good state of health too?
Hope to hear from you now.
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Eliza is in damage control � OK, attack is the best form of defence in this case.
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I guess I could put it down as a burst of sarcasm. I should have been plainer. I will be from now on.
I've heard of bank charges, but $700? Is that normal for document recovery over there? I could understand that much if I'd asked for copies of the Dead Sea Scrolls or the Magna Carta, but these are two standard legal documents! They're not written in ink made from crushed rubies and illuminated with gold leaf, are they, so why this ludicrous fee? There's nothing like it here. Even FOI requests are never that steep! Please get in touch with the bank and ask them for a full accounting of this fee, then forward their explanation to me. I don't like being gouged. See to it.
I'm sorry for your daughter - I hope she recovers soon.
Nick is fine. Nick is always fine. ===============================================
Phew � crisis averted; they just want the $700. Wait � $500?
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12 November 2005.
We just received a mail from your late relations lawyer Barrister Ola Jacobs Esq. that you find the required charges of $700 unacceptable and that is not up to what is obtained in your country.
Madam, We are want you to know that; these documents are not in our possession and if it was in our possession we would have not ask you to pay any more.But these douments are to be procure by our legal department from the federal high court as well as ministry of finance.so try understand that we are have not unduly charged you or inflated the charges. However,in respect of your late relation lawyer, who happen to be a learned lawyer of high esteem, the general manager himself said you should pay the sum of $500 (FIVE HUNDREN DOLLARS) to our account departments for the two documents. Madam, We want you to know that your funds are already in progress and as soon as you make the payment, hence your funds will be transfer to your account with WESTPAC BANK OF AUSTRALIA within the next 3 working days. You are to make the payment via western union money transfer with the following information:
account officer: Mr.Onaghise Smith
destination:Nigeria
Destination code:234
text question:year
text answer:2005
We hope to hear from you as soon as you the payment and note the you have to make the payment on time so that our legal department will be able to procure the documents on Monday. als0 a copy of the probate will be sent to you.
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Keep up the new, snooty Eliza.
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I'm waiting for Mr Jacobs to get back to me about this matter. He should have told me about anything he agreed with you.
Perhaps he's been distracted by the illness of his daughter (mentioned in his last message to me).
Any negotiations should be via Mr Jacobs, not direct to me. If you do so, this whole matter has a much better chance of quick resolution.
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15 November 2005
Greetings to you . How are you today?
Well, I received your mail and I wrote to the bank as you directed me on saturday.
However, I just received a mail from Oluwadeji(Mr) who acts in the capacity of the General Manager of the bank, he said that the General Manager of the bank says that they have reduce the charges to $500 due to my plea in my mail and I want you to know that they are doing this in favour of the high position I am holding here in the law industry.
Now, I want you to know that $500 is reasonable for the procurement of the documents, I will advice that, you should know that these documents in question are very hard to be granted by the registra in the high court.also you have to make the payment of the $500 to the bank so that they move ahead and get the documents hence transfer the funds to your account. we can"t compare $500 to 2.6 million pounds and the bank has not even asked you to pay for any other charges and I believe they would have not demand any money from you if not for these documents.so try and make the payment of $500 to the bank if possible to day so that within the next few days they will transfer the funds to your account as it will take a working day for the probate letter to be procured.let say you make the payment today,they will get the documents tomorrow (Tuesday) by Firday the funds will be transfer to your account. hope you understand me.
My daughter, Linda Jacobs is getting better now.
Conclusively, Please mail me as soon as you make the payment to the bank, I would have call you during the weekend if I was in possession of your telepone number.
Get back to me as soon as you contact the bank today.
Always at your service,
Barrister Ola Jacobs Esq.
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Maintain the snooty Eliza and see how they react to an offer of a cheque.
Barrister Jacobs lets another insult pass over � he�ll not always be so forgiving.
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I'm fine, if a little bit peeved that you're backing the bank on this one.
Do they know exactly what is being done, so this is the price of their silence? I say this because I don't believe that these documents could be "hard to come by" � they're not antiques, they're perfectly standard forms, right? Why are they (and you) making this fuss about two scraps of paper?
If a local bank were to conjure up these sorts of charges they would be reported to the ombudsman right away. Now, I know it's probably not in our best interests to draw attention to ourselves, but I still resent the idea that just because we have a lot at stake, we have to pay up to every jumped-up little squirt with his hand out. You say, "the bank has not even asked you to pay for any other charges" � let's just wait and see, we're not out of the woods yet!
Well, rant over, I suppose I'll have to pay up. I'll get a cheque from the bank and send it by express post. Should I make it out to Mr Oluwadeji (specifically) (who I thought was a Mrs, in previous letters) or the Legal Department of the Union Bank (generally)?
PS I didn't give you my phone number for a reason � as I told you, I have a jealous boyfriend who would ask too many questions. Do keep up skippy!
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16 November 2005
I am in receipt of your mail and the content is well understood.
Well, I beleive the banking laws in your country may/might be different from our own here in Nigeria and yes I agree with you that this are forms, but legal forms.
Well, go ahead and make the payment on time, but the bank infer in their mail that you should make the payment through western union why are you now sending a cheque? you have to act according to the directives of the bank. moreso, make the payments with instruction giving to you by the bank. Mr.Oluwadeji, I think is a senior staff of the bank and may not be in charge of funds,. Please act accordingly to avoid complications.
Hope to hear from you soonest. my daughter is ok now and she had since returned to London where she is schooling.
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I don't care if these forms are signed by the Queen on England, the President of the United States, His Holiness the Pope, the Dalai Lama and the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem, they're still just bits of paper and it sticks in my throat that I have to pay out hundreds of dollars for bits of paper!
Also, what's with this "have to act according to the directives of the bank"? It's not their goddamn money! I'm paying the $500 by cheque, and if they don't like it, well, bad luck, that's how I'm going to pay it!
BTW, I notice the account officer is one "Onaghise Smith". Is that the right one to send the cheque to? Please let me know.
I'm glad your daughter is now OK.
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Barrister Jacobs leads with his chin. What a claim to make�
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16 November 2005
Well, I am in firm grip of your mail.
More so, my advice for you is that you should please take my advice as I know the bank will not entertaining your check, somethings ago my cousin in New York,send me a check worth $2,000 for my son birthday party and the check was rejected by my bank.I had to post the check back to him and he later send the money to me through MONEY GRAM MONEY TRANSFER.
so my dear,let us not prolong matters with the idea of you sending check.please just pay the money and let the bank do what they want to do and gets your funds transfer to your nominated account. hope you understand me. I want you to take my advice,$500 is not a big money, why not just go to any western union agent close to you and make the payment to the bank. I believe if you have not been delaying in making the payment by now the bank must have transfer the funds to your account.
Please be reasonable just go ahead and do what I have said to stop prolong the transfer.
Hope to hear from you
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It�s time to go for the jugular. You never let a chance like this go begging!
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Are you seriously telling me that there is a BANK THAT WILL NOT ACCEPT CHEQUES?
Are you totally insane? This is the stupidest thing I ever heard!
There�s a very simple reason why your cousin�s cheque got rejected � it bounced!
I am going to contact the bank with your� assertion and see what they say. I hope, for the sake of my sanity, that they tell me that you are blowing smoke.
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17 November 2005
I would like you to resspect my intergrity and never you use such word in you mail to me again,if you know you can"t afford the required money forget about the transfer and I will for someone who is willing to pay the money rather than you insult me. what you by"Are you totally insane? if you are insane am not. simple instructions is what you finding defficult.
I want you to know that I am not baby,am 53yrs, I have been in the law industry here for 2 decades now. I am very angry with the way you address me.
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You only get respect if you earn it, and your integrity is on the line if you try to tell me that banks won't take cheques. Small country stores without EFTPOS don't take cheques. A bank that won't take cheques makes about as much sense as a cardboard frypan.
I'll apologise if, and only if, the bank gets back to me and confirms what you said. Then I'll give them a serve because I'll know then that they are trying to rip us off.
How do I know this? Simple � a cheque has to be deposited and cashed, and that leaves a record; Western Union transfers don't leave any such trail. Why they would play for such low stakes makes no sense unless this is just the first of many attempts to gouge me for more cash.
You'll get an apology if it turns out that you got bad advice. If, on the other hand, you are the source, then I take nothing back.
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Mr. Ola Jacobs has claimed that you will not accept payment of fees for the release to me of the account of Mr Michael S. Dane (ACCOUNT NO: B6012503) if that payment is in the form of a cheque rather than a Western Union transfer.
Please confirm or deny this matter.
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Tope Oluwadeji has changed sex in between posts. How often does it happen?
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17 November 2005
We are in receipt of your mail as well. we would like you to know that Barrister Ola Jacobs is not a Banker, but a Lawyer of high repute and does not know the ethics of banking regulations as infer in his mail that Nigeria Banks do not accept cheques, bank here accept. maybe he takes our country to no develop country in terms of accepting of cheques.
Madam, why we deem it fit that you make the payment through western union money transfer is that it is fast and reliable, we accept cheques such as valid and authorised cheques.why we may reject cheques is that it takes us a period of 10 working days to verify the authenticity of a cheque from the bank where it is been send to us. unlike western union money transfer we can easily receive the money in a day business transaction and proceed with the transaction.
Madam, we are here to serve you better and release your funds to you as soon as you make the payment via western union transfer as we have made arrangement to transfer your funds to your account with WESTPACK BANK and it your payment information that is now delaying us from
transfering the funds.
Madam, We hope you are ok with our explainations regarding cheques.
Sincerely,
Oluwadeji(Mr)
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I'm aware that Mr. Jacobs is a lawyer not a banker, and his advice about the cheque made no sense. Now I read your comments on his advice, and you're making even less sense, and without the excuse of working outside your field.
Firstly: Westpac bank is one of Australia's oldest and best established banks. Its cheques are good.
That I can guarantee.
Secondly, "why we may reject cheques is that it takes us a period of 10 working days to verify the authenticity of a cheque from the bank where it is been send to us". Don't insult my intelligence. This is the 21st century. Authenticity should be � is � a matter of electronic confirmation. To turn down cheques because your system is sluggish makes about as much sense as a cardboard frypan.
Thirdly, why this obsession with speed? I don't care if the transaction takes a little longer than you expect. I don't need this money to pay off loan sharks!
Fourthly, using Western Union takes the matter outside the banking system, and I don't want to do that. I will pay using a cheque. End of argument.
Finally � before I send the cheque I want an invoice for this payment, and with that I want either a guarantee from you that with this payment all charges will have been paid, or a list of all charges that will be made for releasing this money to me.
I expect your answer soonest.
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Let�s be nice to Barrister Jacobs for a spell. Trust me, it won�t last.
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Well, the bank is insisting that I use Western Union, and coming up with all this bullshit about cheques taking too long. What a load of crap!
You're off the hook. You were badly advised. Let's put this behind us and move on, now that the bank has shown its colours (black, with a skull and crossbones � bloody pirates). I've told them to send me an invoice for the payment, and a guarantee that this is all they need payment-wise - or a list of what else they might charge. If they don't cc you, I'll forward their reply.
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18 November 2005
we are in receipt of your mail and we want you to know that this is a financial house and we use the fastest method of payment we deem fit and if you think you can not comeup with the payments via western union money transfer,hence you should leave your relations funds in our confines and we would also like you to know that by the end of November31st;if you are not been able to comply with our directives hence your late relations funds will be transfer to the Nigeria Government cuffer Account with the central bank of Nigeria.
Madam, we know this is the 21st century and banking laws are changing very day and we do electronic transfer. our bank is a first general bank like westpac bank of Australia, why are do not really accept cheque is that due to the high rate of scam cheques etc,nobody want his bank/business to run at loss.
Madam, the $500 is the only money that you are to pay as far as the transfer is concerned and we would have not asked you to pay any money if not for the letter of probate and release order.
More so, we are to carry out your trabsfer as soon as you ready to make the payment via Western Union transfer.
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Listen up! You cannot "transfer [the funds] to the Nigeria Government cuffer Account with the central bank of Nigeria". IT IS MY GODDAMNED MONEY! I don't care who you are or who you claim to be, YOU CANNOT JUST SEND MY MONEY ON!
And listen up again - "why are do not really accept cheque is that due to the high rate of scam cheques etc,nobody want his bank/business to run at loss". YOU ARE NOT SOME BACKROADS GARAGE! You're a bank. Banks verify cheques. Once the cheque's verified, you have the money in your coffers. Then and only then do you send me those papers and then arrange for the release of the funds. Simple, no risk, every i dotted and every t crossed.
I don't use Western Union because it has the least overwatch of any system around. So you will not be receiving a Western Union transfer. First you will send me a proper invoice, stating what the cheque is for (which Mr. Jacobs must OK). Then I'll send my cheque, you will cash it, and then we will go through the due process of getting the paperwork and releasing my funds. Done and dusted, all are happy. We get on with our lives. If you refuse, I will have to take action to force you to release the money I can't answer for the consequences to you. Your move.
PS I would rather communicate with MS Oluwadeji � at least there was none of this stupid bluster.
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18 November 2005
We are in receipt of your mail, once again if you know you are not yet ready to make the payments via Wetern Union transfer, please you are advice to leave the money in our confines as long as you are ready before November 31st.
Madam, you can"t compel us to follow your own directives, you are to follow our own directives, you are taking the transfer to be stressful to yourself. why can"t you simply follow our directives and hence will get your funds transfer to your nominate account instead of trying to be insultive and more knowledgeable.
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Do threats achieve anything?
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Don't get me started!
I have only tried to get what is mine � the money that is mine � and I find that it is in the hands of jumped-up little squirts trying to gouge me for money and retreating, whining. behind the shyster's mantra of "what's just a little money after all" when I challenge them.
Worse still, you expect me to believe this bullcocky about not accepting cheques. How on god's earth did you think I'd credit such unmitigated rubbish?
Had you simply agreed, I would have sent the cheque already (if begrudgingly) and you would have had your money, I would have had my money and all would be well. Instead all you have brought upon yourself is a world of trouble.
I intend forwarding all the correspondence to the Nigerian consulate along with a formal request for legal action to be taken, unless within 72 hours you do as I told you to do and send me the proper invoices. I'm surprised that you're willing to risk everything for so little.
Mr. Jacobs: please be ready to act for me in this.
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Apparently not.
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18 November 2005
We would like you to know that our bank his a registered bank with the Central bnak of Nigeria which is the apex bank here in Nigeria and we would be more happy if you report us to the Nigeria consulate in your country as we do not have business with them and I like you to also know that you are putting yourself in a world of trouble and not our bank.
Madam, as I said before and I am still telling you now again; whenever you ready to make the payment via Western Union let us know and you funds will gets to your account as soon as you are ready. it is only 3 working day. we will not entertaining any more complain from you as we have other customers to attend to who are more serious in their business transaction more than you. so stop mailing until you are ready to make the payments via Western Union.
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OK then � answer me this: how could my complaint get ME in trouble? It should be interesting to see what you can dream up.
PS The clock is ticking.
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Back to the lawyer...
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The bankers have dug their heels in and so have I.
Do me a favour, please � convey this proposal to them as I don't want to carry on this flame war.
If they send me a complete invoice spelling out what the money is needed for, then I'll send them their precious Western Union transfer. A regular email won't do � it has to be a proper form, whether an online version or a scanned hard copy. I prefer the latter.
I acknowledge that my words were harsh - you were quoting the bank and I ended up slugging the messenger; bad form on my part.
Now will you please tell those pirates that this is the only concession that I'm willing to make?
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21 November 2005
How are you today?
Well, I received your subsequent mail and your proposal.
However, I went to the bank this morning to see the General Manager of the bank; Mr.Kola Babalola regarding your proposal and he told that his subordinate at the information bank (Mr.) told him how you used harsh and barbaric word in your mail to the bank, I pleaded on your behalf as my client;he reluctantly accepted my plea. he told me that the bank does not owe you any responsiblity rather than for them to transfer your funds to your nominated account with westpack bank and that you do not have the right to tell them to come to an agreement with them as the required money his for the legal forms.also that you should that by the November 31st, if you are not been able to make the payment hence the funds (2.6 million pounds) will be transfer to the Nigeria government account. I want you to know that you have to follow the instructions of the bank and make the payment via Western Union, so that the bank transfer the funds to the your account, you should know that your idea of trying to be harsh on the bank is not good as the banks here are very strict, why not just make the payment and let them transfer the funds to your account.
More so, I want you to know that I will not open my eyes to see that the bank transfer the funds to the Nigeria government account, if you know you are not ready, kindly allow me to nominated another person you will be able and willing to pay the required $500 to the bank via W.U and I know that there alot of people you will very glad to have this kind of opportunity. I am saying this because November31st is not far again as today is 21st.
Dear Ms.Dane, for the sake of time why not go ahead and make the payment the today or tomorrow so that by Tuesday the bank will transfer the funds to your account.
I want you to know that I have tried my possible best for you has far as I am concerned.
Hope to hear from you soonest.
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I could have kept this going but things were sorta stuck� time to tell �em in unambiguous terms that they�ve been had, while using �mugu� a lot.
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Hi y'all
I hope it's been fun for you mugus 'cos it's sure been fun for me. I was hoping to string it out a bit further but you mugus got stuck in a rut. So, it's over. Didn't you mugus spot the 419s that I stuck in the (fake) address details that I provided? Didn't it occur to you mugus that the check question answers that I sent to the bank were wrong, three out of four? Didn't my reference to "The cheese is in place, BUT � the mouse is not biting" seem a little bit odd to you mugus? But then you mugus are so dumb, so thick, and so STUPID you'd lose a battle of wits with a teddy bear.
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Oh yeah, and Barrister Jacobs gets an apology � sort of.
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I'm sorry you're a lying loser 419 mugu. There, all done and dusted.
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Nowadays, I'd have kept it going a bit longer...

Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 5:43 am

hi,i really liked your bait,that sure would of screwed there little minds up,nice work Very Happy

Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 1:13 pm

Good to see an Aussie girl having a little fun

"Nigeria Government cuffer Account"

what is that ?

Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:36 am

go aussie go,lol