Goofy stuff that YOU wrote

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Not quite a Newb Joined: 05 Jan 2008 Posts: 35

I had to give an excuse for not sending the WU transfer:

Quote:

Thank you so much for your quick responses, Sunday. However, I'm afraid I must break some bad news to you. I was unable to get down to the bank today because my sister was involved in an accident. You see, she was at the grocery store when she noticed an out of control shopping cart coming her way. She tried to get out of the way but failed. The cart had her cornered next to the orange stands. It rammed into her and the oranges began falling. She slipped on one of the oranges, and hit her head on the floor and fell unconscious as a result. She had to be rushed to the hospital, and I stayed with her. Therefore, I was unable to get to the bank today. I'm so sorry! I feel terrible. However, I will definitely get to the bank tomorrow. Hopefully my sister will be in better condition then. Once again, sorry for the delay, and hope this won't affect our partnership. Hope to hear from you soon.

Lad gave me his sympathy and said he was praying for her. Rolling Eyes

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 3:20 am

I'm just about to have my vlad have the following as passphrase for the -transfer.:

Quote:

When frogs fall from the shelf, bricks aren't far from the mating bear.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:56 am

Today one of my lads received word that he'll get some gifts.
Here's what I'll be sending:

Quote:

I am going to send you goods worth about 5000 USD. In addition to
those goods, which you are supposed to sell, I will include a
snow-shovel and an Eskimo-sled as gifts for yourself.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:25 pm

From one of my first, My man of the cloth was given a list he had to agree to before getting a hold of his trunk (ooo err missus) Wink

Quote:

1. I am a god fearing person, I'd be in the wrong job if I wasn't don't ya know, and you can fully entrust me with all your delicious money, I would never think of fleecing you of every cent.

2. After taking my percentage, in the form of a 60ft speedboat with appropriate buxom serving wenches, I promise to distribute the remaining money to any charity I can make up.

3. I will, upon contact by them, make further and speedy contact with said security company of whom I have no prior knowledge of but I am sure if they are recommended by your good self will be trustworthy and risky free.

4.I fully understand everything that has been mentioned so far, but cannot confirm I will understand everything that may be said in the future, I'm not Nostradamus my child.

5. No-one, and I repeat no-one, will know of our transaction until I have my beautiful boat and contracted my first STD.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 3:35 pm

I am trying to teach my lad new words:

Quote:

As a Pastor who has pastorised for the Lord all over W Africa I have never heard such nonsense in my life.

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 11:49 pm

A banker Lad supplied me with a crummy Next of Kin Claim Form and helpfully filled out the "Relationship" line with "COUSIN". I wrote back:

Quote:

Well, this may be the 21st century and all, but back in Charleston, that sort of blood tie just ain't right.

I had no idea that was a racist...

419Eater is my life Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 428

Oh, no! How terrible! The First Untied Bank of San Diego was destroyed by a suicide bomber! Laughing

Not quite a Newb Joined: 05 Jan 2008 Posts: 35

I introduce a new character after the other got into a tragic accident:

Quote:

Hello. I am writing you today by request of the love of my life, Moe Lester. He wanted me to write you to break the terrible news. Moe was admitted to the hospital on Thursday night after a horrific accident. You see, dear Moe and I took a trip to ToysRUs on Thursday. I have a daughter, and her birthday is coming up. Moe is such a sweetheart and wanted to buy a special surprise gift for her. Well, when we were there, Moe was taking a look inside a nice Fisher Price playhouse, when a large and very heavy Easy Bake Oven box fell from a shelf above! Someone walking near the shelf scrambled to get out of the way and shoved his shopping cart into the playhouse which housed Moe. The playhouse collapsed as a result. Poor Moe received a head injury and a fractured ulna. We are all very sad about this.

Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 2:45 am

I feel like this lad is in my face and I just mailed him with this:

Quote:

Can we slow down a tad, I'm getting dizzy!

*** BANNED *** Joined: 10 Jan 2004 Posts: 3779

Quote:

Dear Mariam, my love,

I will now go to the excellent restaurant here in the hotel and have a nice dinner. Oh well, I really wish you were here with me. We could walk through Amsterdam, enjoy some Grachten and visit the Rotlichtviertel where you could sit in a window and look at the passer-bys. Who knows, maybe you'll do it in the very near future so GOD will.

Do NOT try to imagine the merry widow Abacha in underwear.

Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:53 pm

A new bait I plan to publish just because it will be comedic no matter what, but here is my reply to when he wanted to use a lawyer:

Quote:

I do nae be likin this talk of a lawyer. I have learned in me life that ya cannae be trustin a lawyer. They will be tryin to throw ya in the prison hoose fur sure. I cannae be goin to da pris'n hoose. I have to be takin care of me family and me wife Jeannie. She is pregnant and if she found out I be consortin with lawyers and goin to the prison hoose, oh waily waily waily. It would be the crossin' o' the arms and the tappin' o' the feets. If I cannae be givin the explainin then it would the pursin' o' the lips. Crivens! Whats a man to do when face wit dat?

Rob

This will be my Nac Mac Feegle bait, partly inspired by Worf's Swedish Chef bait.

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:49 am

This is a line I just had to use after the Ladette complained about living in a refugee camp - so I wrote back:

Quote:

I saw refugee camps only in Somalia in 1993, and that was enough. They're hell on earth, even the best-run ones. You deserve to be somewhere else.

Somewhere hotter... and smelling of brimstone...

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:29 am

J3rrys needs to get his arse into gear:

Quote:

I must apologise for being unable to access the interweb thingy for a couple of days due to sewer rats chewing my udders and through cables, this caused untold havoc and a total blackpudding to boot. Though I must admit I am dissapointed not to find you in my box, no pictures or even a note asking if I am ok ? have you found somone else J3rry, If you have I would guard your dangly bits very carefully, for I am not a woman to be sherry trifled with.

Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 12:58 am

Lads get this line a lot from :

Quote:

I may be blonde but I'm not dumb

.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 09 Aug 2007 Posts: 593

This was my first template reply:

Quote:

Hello xxxx,

Thank you for contacting me. My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius. I am the commander of
the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor,
Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my
vengeance, in this life or the next.

As a soldier stationed in Vandali (Germania) it is with deep regret that I cannot help you
at this present time. You see I am very busy at the moment. Not only am I a soldier
currently studying the art of Gladiator combat, I am also the co-founder of a playing card
creation company, which specializes in the creation of hand made playing cards - for sale
to soldiers on active duty to prevent boredom whilst waiting for hand to hand combat. In
fact, we are currently recruiting people to help in the creation of these cards. We can
pay between $400 USD - $600 USD per card drawn. If you know anyone who may be interested
in facilitating the creation of said products, please let me know. My telephone number is:
206-203-1838

Thank you in advance,

Maximus Decimus Meridius
School of Gladiator Studies,
Vandali,
Germania

Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:40 am

Having sent a picture of Phil Keoghan (present of The Amazing Race) to a recent Lad, I couldn't help but add this:

Quote:

I do have one [picture] taken in Sydney last year... there were these twins from New York, Dustin and Kandice, and they took my survival class - well, after that they were going to Sydney, and invited me along. Well, I'm smiling, with reason; that was a week things were going on that most men only dream about; and I guess I should be ashamed of myself.

Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:46 pm

Okay, I confess, I learned how to make a lad weep Laughing

Quote:

Let me tell you a little of my story. I am an american girl. Year before last year I met a Nigerian man on the net, his name is Sam, and he was from Enugu. He made me love him. We met last summer in Benin (cotonou) and spent magical two weeks frolicking on the beach, shopping and clubbing. He wanted to marry me and take me home to his mother back in Enugu. I had a hard time getting a visa to Nigeria from Benin (I am an american) but finally they relented and gave it to me 2 days before I was due to go back home. So we just had enough time to cross at krake plage and go to Lagos...we stayed in Festec town for a day until my flight was due out from Mohammed Mortala so I took it to Spain and came home to the states. Before I went I promised Sam to help him with his business, so I wired him 30,000 dollars when I came home that he said he'd use for his business and to make new life for us....

Huh! Ever since then I only had 20 emails from Sam (in 4 months) when before he would write me every day, and the only time he writes me anymore is when he needs something. I've sent him clothes for christmas, new laptop and a new nokia n95 phone and sony camera that he wanted.... He didn't even remember our anniversary though he sent me a short note on valentines. He told me he was going to Ghana but that was over 2 weeks ago and last I heard he was in Accra. I haven't heard from him since.

I am starting to really think that Sam does not love me anymore. I am a nice woman, well educated, young, pretty, want children, have an excellent profession and a degree. But now I just feel so used and discarded? What igbo man would teach you to say "ahurum gi na anya" and then throw you away like dirty laundry?

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:34 am

It's not so much goofy stuff that I write it is what I say in real life. I will say things like "I sent for my weeks to shoes ago", or "why don't you go take a leaping fly". This usually happens when I am really tired or mad. My family has a catalogue of my bungled sayings and threaten to put one of them on my tombstone. Laughing

Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 11:44 am

The Gospel according to St. Popeye

Quote:

My position as Pastor of this Flock is in danger. Esther Shapir0 may no longer be the Church attorney. There may be other changes. I shall know more by Friday.

Until then, pray brother, pray like ye have never prayed before. I am Father 0. Vattag0o Siam. The fingerprint of the Fist I am. Thy shall be strong to thine finish. Thou shall eat divine spinach. And partake in a digital exam.

Once I learn more, I shall contact. Until then, behave like a red headed step child.

Quote:

Goodday father s1am,

Thanks for your mail, well i quite understand you sir, well i would like you to inform me about the new development sir like you asked i will pray sir, e-mail about the details as soon as it is done..

may the fist of the lord continue to bless you sir,

Barrister bernard roy

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 25 Feb 2008 Posts: 5

When writing to one of my vlads..
She mailed me asking if I didn't mind if she called me her "tiger"
I was not amused with that nickname, so I gave her one.
"Hello my sweet N4ta1ya,
I hope you are not against my calling you a succubus. Smile

It is a very cute name, that i once heard my grandfather call my estranged grandmother, who was really my uncle. Gertrude.

- Your tiger R1ch4rd"

Never called me Tiger again.

Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:16 pm

Quote:

Hey buddy, do you know what this means? I don't speak gibberish:

Nwanne na wewe,

which one you dey self you come de give me Belbenin make take call u I de fine my belle oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooH

Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:10 am

lost her temper with a Lad. I think I was trying to break a record for sustained obscenity.

Quote:

F*ck you and f*ck the goat who f*cked your mother, you f*cking excuse for a human being. There are f*cking child molesters who cross the street to avoid you. There are smarter creatures that you getting squashed on f*cking windscreens. There are cleaner creatures than you eating f*cking cowdung on cattle pastures. You and that f*cking turdburglar M1nderb1nder can go and suck your cocks and f*ck yourselves in the ass. Just be your f*cking stupid pissweak selves. I couldn't f*cking care about you any more. Why don't you do me and the world a f*cking favour and kill yourself?

His dismissive reply -

Quote:

Is good you have said out what you have in mind.i can understand that you are a joker

- earned something a little less fiery:

Quote:

I wasn't joking. I really want you to kill yourself. But don't shoot yourself in the head, you'll miss your brains every time. Just shove the gun up your ass and pull the trigger. You'll hit your brains dead-on AND die smiling. Ain't that a nice thought?

Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:43 am

^^ haha!

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

This thread is great!

I remembered this that I wrote a while ago, which really cracked me up.
My lad was questioning my sincerity, so I responded with this:

Quote:

When you doubted me, I was so upset. What kind of person would write you emails for months, lie to you about things, pretend things that aren't true, and just waste your time? What motivation would there be for doing that? It is the most ridiculous thing I have heard. I can't imagine who would ever do that. I thought that you thought I was that kind of person, and it made me truly sad.

Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 1:40 pm

I got one of those "I have a new partner in.... there's a check for you" letters in a name very close to an old bait, so replied:

Quote:

I don't give a hairy rat's arse about your lucky partner from Spain!
All I remember is that you promised me $7.5 million, and then you just stopped answering me! I sent you $5000, I even sent you some of my portfolio, and it's like you just dropped off the world!
Why did you do that? You'd said such nice things about me, too.
You made me cry. Why did you make me cry?

It triggered one of my most fiendish baits to date...

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